2015, we had a time

2015 has been a year of ups and downs, positives and negatives and everything in between. I started the year with a nissen fundoplication, aka stomach surgery for my acid reflux. I was on a liquid diet for a couple months and excited that I could eat and drink again without vomiting acid! That excitement kept on going when Chuck and I flew to Texas to see my mother and sister in May and took Nate to Lego Land in Florida in July. I finished my MBA and graduated in September followed by a wedding between my friend Cat and her wonderful husband.

I'm still amazed that a passing comment by my ob/gyn led to me getting a mammogram that found stage two breast cancer. Thank you insurance for covering mammo's prior to the age of 40. I shudder to think how far the stage would have progressed if not for this life saving test.

My vocabulary and knowledge has broadened this year, from my stomach surgery to learning that I'm triple positive and what that entails. I've learned that vaginal ulcers are real, they hurt and are a side effect of my last round of chemo drugs. I've learned that I suck at healing while on chemo from dog bites to yeast infections, I'm on round three of Diflucan. My body has decided that having a yeast infection, vaginal ulcers and hemorrhoids at the same time is a gift that chemo keeps on giving.

As I look into 2016, I have surgery's to contemplate and yearly colonoscopy's to endure to ensure this cancer is one time only. I truly never considered that breast cancer would be in my future and its certainly made me think of things I should of done, cancer and life insurance, and things I have yet to do. I am holding onto the fact that I'm awesome and will take this journey to heart as I determine my next steps in my career, rescue, etc.

As always, I am truly thankful for my friends, family, husband, Mother and everyone else that has reached out to me. My appreciation knows no limits when I talk about my support system. I've learned that many women aren't so lucky, so please take to heart my thankfulness.

This New Years Eve, we are home, I'm hoping for no diarrhea and the wisdom of my loved ones to stay safe tonight as the alcohol flows. Peace out peeps

Next rounds of chemo

Chemo makes me tired with flu like symptoms. It just plain sucks and I feel like I have the constant flu with aches, chills, etc. I finished my first round of chemo meds and start my next round of new chemo meds next week. Good news is less nausea, bad news is continued fatigue and diarrhea. Like I need any more reason to hate the bathroom.

I still don't feel like I have cancer, I would never know if it weren't for the chemo. I have one of the better cancers, treatable, I have a plan of action and know I'm going to make it through but it still feels weird. My tagline is currently, "I got the cancer", what else do you say to people? I'm still working which is expected on this type of chemo but I really, really wish I could just take life off for the next year and do what I want to do on my good days instead of work.

My husband is amazing and picking up my slack with no complaints but it would be nice to help clean, laundry, etc. on my feel good days. Instead I'm at a desk, working.... It should come to no surprise to those who know me that there is always something I'd rather be doing than working. I truly believe we are meant to win the lottery, our marriage has seen the worst yet we keep trudging through. We deserve a flipping break, at least one years worth.

I'm not counting on 2016 to be this year as cancer will continue and lead the way to surgery's but maybe 2017 will be our year. It feels as though I'm just floating through life with no clear goals and its annoying. I refer back to an earlier post where I mentioned a marathon, I know that isn't realistic but I do need to have a realistic goal that would motivate me. Yes, I have cancer and I need to focus on me but I'm not getting younger and I just feel stagnant. Hard to explain I guess.

I think coming home from work, eating and going to bed is wearing on me like corduroy pants. Loud and annoying. I understand staying positive and living in the moment but it just feels like "meh" in the words of Lyndsay...

Benefit update

I have no words to describe how amazing and awesome today was!!!! My friends go beyond amazing, they are stupendous. The benefit was today and everything was more than I could imagine. Cat and Viola lead the charge followed by Beth, Lyndsay, Lisa, Nicki, Trisha, Salina and Teresa. These women are my best friends and it is no surprise that they threw one hell of a benefit to raise funds for me and my family.

The donations were great, the gift baskets were beautiful and Beths husband was kickass in getting the camper donated. There were so many great people that attended from my sister and her sons, to coworkers, former coworkers, more friends and everyone in between. I can't believe how many supporters I have on this journey. I've said it once and will continue saying it, I'm overwhelmed by the love.

Today started out with me being tired and ended with me being tired but for different reasons. My mouth hurts from smiling, my voice hurts from talking and my arms have never hugged so many. Thank you to everyone involved in making today a success, a thank you card can't hold my gratefulness.

Randi's chemo side effects

Chemotherapy is a necessary evil for those facing cancer, myself included. The treatments are rough on the body and cause varying side effects. Some are tolerable, some are less tolerable and some are plain gross.

Hairloss is one of the common side effects for breast cancer patients. This is frustrating, a little embarrassing, for some demeaning but a tolerable side effect. I have chosen to rock my bald head opposed to wearing a wig or scarf. I am very lucky that my head has a nice round shape, no divets, craters or lumps and brings out my blue eyes. I have some hats if needed to keep my noggin warm here in Ohio but mostly carry a hat in my purse instead of on my head. Yes, it immediately appears that I have cancer, or a wicked fashion sense, but I feel that wearing a scarf or wig would show the same thing.

Hairloss goes beyond my head, I don't have to shave my armpits anymore! I am pretty happy about this because I suck at shaving, I constantly cut myself or in some way cause bleeding. My leg hair isn't completely gone, but close enough so I don't have to shave. Now for the personal hairloss, my girly hair is pretty much gone. It's weird, that hair helps direct pee! I never thought about it until my coworker mentioned that one of her friends learned real quick how helpful that hair is in directing the flow.

Nausea is another common side effect, I've been very lucky and only had a few minor moments when I had to take some meds. Overall, I'm relieved that this side effect hasn't reared its ugly head, yet. I start new chemo drugs in a few weeks and new side effects may emerge.

Now, the gross... I have internal hemorrhoids that I learned of through my multiple colonscopies. They don't bother me, I didn't feel they were there until I started chemo. I now have butt periods, I don't know what else to call them. It sucks! I talked to my oncologist, and chemo flares my internal hemorrhoids so I get to bleed every time I potty. I felt like this was a side effect not discussed, if others have this issue, now you know.

Tired.... So tired. This is my main side effect. I was tired all of the time prior to chemo, but now I constantly feel drained. I receive a white blood cell injection the day after chemo and it wipes me out. I sleep the entire weekend after chemo and feel like I have the flu for a few days. This is what prevents me from making, and potentially breaking plans.

There it is, a quick and dirty overview of side effects from the current chemo. Overall, not that bad but still falls under #cancersucks.....

My benefit is Saturday

How many times in a lifetime does a person have a benefit thrown for them? For me, it's this Saturday, December 12th starting at noon at my friends bar, Triple Shotz (https://m.facebook.com/pages/Triple-Shotz-Cajun-Island-Cafe/629319480556877) at 2700 Brice Rd in Reynoldsburg, Ohio.

There will be amazing auction items including a camper, yes a camper donated by http://www.golittleguy.com/ through my friends RV dealership, http://www.haydocyairstream.com/index.php. A freaking camper has been donated to raffle off in my honor!!! WTF?! It is beyond amazing, overwhelming, exciting and scary that my story moved Little Guy to donate. It's crazy that my journey brought my friends together to organize an amazing benefit to help raise funds for when I'm on leave due to chemo or upcoming surgery's.

I am not a person who cries but this Saturday, how can I not being surrounded by those I love and who care so much about me. I don't know how to thank everyone involved from the board to the organizations and individuals who have donated. My husband and I are humbled at the outpouring of love and generosity. I really hope that I'm able to convey my appreciation because y'all are truly amazingly awesome peeps.

I hope that those reading this blog can come out for fun, prizes, hugs, tears and gratitude. I am pumped to show up around 3 p.m. with my husband in tow to greet so many exceptional friends and family. I'm not sure how to end this post but with thank you, I love you and I appreciate y'all. I am a very lucky woman

Thankful

This Thanksgiving on Facebook, I listed ten things I'm thankful for: my husband, family, friends, home, job, stepsons, health, my Mom, rescue and my dogs. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel as though I should have a renewed zest for life. I should be getting healthy, focusing on a bucket list, identifying things I've always wanted to do and setting goals. In reality, I wish I had enough money to take time off for chemo. Not a huge goal, but something I wish I could do.

In general, I'm not a person that wants a whole lot but having cancer does make me wish I had gotten life insurance and cancer insurance if I could. I have been thinking of ways to be happier like finding a job that makes me want to get up everyday and do my best. I have thought this would be by becoming a veterinarian, running a rescue or working for an organization focused on the well being of pets. Perhaps this dream job is still the right path, but definitely not one to pursue during cancer.

I have this feeling that I should be working towards a goal or accomplishment. It's hard to describe, but having a goal to get through cancer isn't cutting it. Maybe my last six years getting my degrees has placed a weird need to be working towards something. Or, maybe I need a hobby that is self fulfilling but not too time consuming or with deadlines.

I'm going to think on this weird feeling and try to figure out what my head and heart want during this frustrating cancer process. Waiting every two weeks, soon to be weekly, to go to chemo and feel bad for a week just sucks. I can't make concrete plans with friends because I might have to cancel due to how I'm feeling and that alone is frustrating. I'm not able to commit to a board or other venture for the same reason and although I love staying home to watch movies, I'm used to being much busier with a calendar to look forward to.

I know everyone understands and I'm focusing on me, but it is still frustrating to feel as though I should/could be doing more. Maybe I'll look into getting my JD, or another Masters, or train to run a marathon. I'll update once I figure it out.

No Hair Randi

Today is the day I've been dreading...my hair fell out in clumps in the shower this morning. I was really counting on it not falling out until the seventh day after chemo and shaving my head on black Friday. Instead, three days after chemo, I pulled my hand away with a significant amount of hair no longer attached.

I yelled for my husband Chuck and he came rushing into the bathroom and told me it would be okay. He asked if today was head shaving day and I said yes. As I finished showering, avoiding touching my hair, he called my BFF Beth and the plan was made to head to Saturdays.

I am not a fussy woman meaning I don't wear makeup, fix my hair, etc. but I do enjoy earrings and pedicures. The loss of my hair put in perspective why so many women fight pretty during this BC war. Other than my earrings, I don't have any other girly thing to do. My hair is gone, I don't see me picking up makeup, but I will continue to paint my nails as long as I can. Fighting pretty now has a whole new meaning.

As the hairstylist turned me around to see my exposed head, Beth and Chuck were right beside me with encouragement and jokes. Just what I needed and wanted in that moment. Today isn't a sad day, its just another leg in this journey, another notch in my BC belt, another day to remember as I inch closer to the finish line.

#cancersucks #baldisbeautiful

I miss Rescue Randi

Since being diagnosed with BC, it has been difficult to make plans knowing I may have to break them due to how I'm feeling or medical appointments. I had planned to get back involved in rescue after I graduated with my MBA in September and joined the board of a non profit offering support to rescues and pet owners, http://www.ohioanimalcompanion.org/. The opportunity seemed like a good fit to ease back into being on a board but not too overwhelming.

I attended one board meeting, received one task, and failed at said task. Luckily, the board is extremely understanding and would like for me to join again after BC. I am appreciative of them and glad they still value my knowledge and experience but it makes me feel like a slacker not helping pets in some way.

I learned about rescue seven years ago when I saw a Craigslist ad for www.stopthesuffering.org needing a foster for a red chow. Being a chow owner and lover, Chuck and I agreed to try fostering, which led to volunteering, which led to transporting, completing home visits, crossposting and becoming a board member. A piece of my soul was finally found through rescue. Needless to say, we became foster failures and the red chow, Coco, is sleeping beside me.

Rescue is one of the most rewarding experiences and one of the most heartbreaking. I love finding the perfect home for a dog, one that truly feels like forever. However, I hate why that dog needs a forever home. Sometimes, the pets past is circumstance, they were lost, or their owner died. But, most of the time, they are abused, unloved, unwanted. The treatment of pets makes my heart cry most days, but the rescuers that step up to save them is what keeps my faith in humanity.

Once I'm back to Randi and able to wear my multiple hats, I look forward to transporting, rescuing, completing home visits, etc. For now I know I have to focus on me and help with rescue in other ways. Don't shop, adopt! Spaying and neutering saves lives! If you can't adopt, foster; if you can't volunteer, donate!

Talk to me

In the words of Annie Lennox, "Talk to me like lovers do", minus the lovers part. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and caring people and they don't want to talk to me about their issues because they feel bad since I have BC. Not true! I am still Randi, I'm still partly judgy and that friend that tells it to you straight, whether or not you want to hear it.

I want all of my village peeps to remember that I care for you as much as you care for me. At this moment, I'm winning the Murphy Award as my friend Carla says, but don't think I won't be passing this trophy along at some point. Please still tell me when you've had a bad day, are sick, worried about bills, spouses, pets, where the next great beer tasting will be.

I love y'all and am here to listen, comment and offer suggestions for what you're going through. BC sucks, but it doesn't mean I want to stop being a good friend. Always remember, if you don't want to tell me, you probably should.

Angry Randi

When I was younger, anger was my number one go to emotion. I am familiar with its fire and others knew not to get close to the flames. As I've grown older, anger and I have learned to co-exist as long distance friends,  when needed we are there for each other. I have had time to grow up, work on my patience, compassion and frustration.

I am proud that I've grown to be a kind hearted woman that doesn't live with anger as my BFF. This weekend however, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel the fire deep inside and have a valid reason to unleash the flames. BC is fucking stupid, why does it exist?! I'm not going to say why me, because I truly believe that I'm strong enough to handle the journey but I am angry that anyone has to start the journey at all. To date I haven't really cried over the diagnosis but this weekend a few tears were shed over hair.

My BFF Beth offered to have her stylist dye my hair fantastically fun colors to celebrate my hair, and the oncoming loss. I received approval from work, picked out blue, pink and purple as my colors and mentally prepared myself that I still have control over my fucking hair!! The night before the appointment, my husband suggested I make sure I could dye my hair on chemo. The thought never occurred to me that I couldn't.

As we read the internet, it became clear that dying my hair wasn't safe and would only speed up my upcoming hair loss. I was pissed... How dare BC take this simple task away. How dare chemo not only cause me to go into menopause and feel like shit; it had to take away fun hair! I know that there are so many other things to be angry about, but this was my proverbial straw. I realize that this was really me being angry I have BC, it sucks, it isn't fair, why me....

Instead of letting me rant and rave on Facebook, my friends found silver linings, alternatives and made suggestions on how to change my hair without dye. It was heartwarming to see so many village peeps working to cheer me up but really I just wanted to be angry. My husband and Beth both immediately understood, but I think they both also knew the real cause of my anger.

Thank you to everyone who stepped up with encouragement, options and general positivity. Although I just wanted to be angry, y'all wouldn't let me. Very few people can say they are surrounded on possibly their darkest journey by light.

Angry Randi is still inside and will come out a few times on this journey, its good to know that there are so many that won't let her stay.

Keep Positive

Positivity is one of my tools to use to get through BC and is also the number one recommendation from others to help fight this journey. I have so many wonderful people sending me positive thoughts, notes, and cards that it makes me feel that there is no room for negativity. The first words out of most mouths when they find out about BC, is STAY POSITIVE!!!

I have to wonder, what if I don't? What if I remain realistic, my norm, and just rely on y'alls positivity to flow through the journey. Would it work? Or, do the positive thoughts really mean nothing other than improving my positivity which is the key to the stubborn door?

I still feel that there's no reason to worry about BC despite the potential risks. For instance, today my oncologist called and we are back on the waiting train for bone cancer. The biopsy came back from the Mayo  Clinic inconclusive. I either have benign enchondroma or low grade sarcoma which is like stage 1 cancer. The west siders might have been right, or very wrong.

I now have to go see a specialist at OSU, damn you Charlene, for further testing. I assume this means more bruising, more missed work, more worry and the need for more positive thoughts. I am extremely thankful that so many people are thinking of me, but I do wonder what I would be facing if they were just thoughts, not positive.

My one breakdown involved black walnut whiskey, coworkers and a designated drive home by my husband. I suppose I'm only allowed to be negative in the comfort of my home otherwise I'll be bombarded with positivity. Maybe I need to schedule a negative day so people know ahead of time, negativity has its place if only to highlight the positive.

Week seven is coming to a close with another question, another car on the waiting train and another week of no whiskey.  Stupid cancer

This dude is dying

http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/11/asia/new-zealand-jake-bailey-cancer-speech/

Before you read my blog, listen to this brave young man's speech.

As someone diagnosed within the past two months with cancer, this obviously resonates. Heed this young man's words, life is what you make it. My cancer isn't near as aggressive but still makes me stop and think. Reach out to loved ones, lost ones, lonely ones... Let your actions be a testament to who you are, not who you want to be. I am proud of my personal journey so far, I've made mistakes, but truly have few regrets. I would take some do overs, but overall my path has led me to the awesome person y'all know and love.

It still doesn't feel like I have cancer. I know I do on paper, and I have started chemo treatments but its still surreal. Listening to this speech made me pause... what do other people do when they learn? I was lucky to find out with my husband and best friend at my side, how many find out alone? Is learning you have three weeks compared to the unknown really that much different? I am 100% committed to beating BC and have the resources to do it (e.g. the husband and BFF mentioned, Randi's Village, a good job, health insurance, etc.).

I just texted my BFF that I plan to lose my hair in a couple weeks, would she want to dye her hair pink with me. It's weird... I'm planning to lose my hair. Very few people have the opportunity to do that. In talking openly about my journey, I hope that others will feel comfort that I'm doing okay, that others with cancer or survivors will find some humor and that overall I find some solace sharing.

As week seven continues, let's all remember that for now, the sun is going to shine tomorrow and I'm going to be here to enjoy it; except I live in Ohio.....

Dude, I'm not dying...

It never occurred to me that BC may kill me. It just never seemed like an option. I'm not sure if this is because I'm too awesome to let BC be the thing that takes me out or if I just decided internally, it's 2015, BC is completely curable. BC is so common anymore, someone knows an aunt, mom, friend, niece of a friend, etc. that has overcome BC except for me, and my friends.

As my BC is coming out, I'm learning that coworkers, peers and extended family of others have been through the many stages of BC. I can only think of my friends mom as the one person I knew, but I did not know her mom well and definitely wasn't in the fight with them. How weird that learning I have BC has opened these other doors to souls and voices I never heard talking before. It's like when I bought my Escape and suddenly there were all of these other Escapes on the road, you know what I mean.

My good friend's mother in law is a true fighter in the BC war and has gone through her journey with strength, faith and love. It didn't hit me til right now that she, could be me.  WTF yo?! I envision my journey as a long one but more than doable, then a peep will tell me I'll get through this. Of fucking course I'm getting through this, I seriously never considered otherwise. Is that weird?!

My husband was like, honey you're putting poison into your body on purpose for many months.... Again, chemo just seemed normal, not normal normal, but a term that is heard in conversation and not really considered.

As I start week 7 of the BC Journey, I am often reminded that this is a treacherous road with laughs at every turn, tears as we cross the hills and love as I work towards the finish line.

Tired.....

Thursday was my first chemo day and it went well minus a little nausea that night. Friday was literally one of the hardest days to wake up because I was soooooo tired but I'm proud of myself for making it through. I had my injection after work to increase my white blood cells since some are lost due to chemo. I was in bed, like a boss, at 817 p.m.

Saturday, I expected to be tired but not near as drained as I was. My loving husband was concerned about how much I was sleeping and concerned I wouldn't eat so he woke me a few times but it was out of love... Note to self, his love needs to stop interrupting my sleep.

Our good friends Cat and her husband Danny stopped by to help clean, give hugs, gifts and in general see how we were. You know you're good friends when a dirty house doesn't phase either party! I woke up at 330 p.m. to hang with them and eat then back to bed at 8 something. A productive day for my husband, a glimpse into my near future for me.

Sunday was a little better, up around 8 a.m., but still took a pretty long nap after. I feel like I have the flu, achy, tired, neck hurts, etc. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow so I can work at a decent pace.

In the words of Lili Von Shtupp..."I'm tired..."
(If you don't recognize this quote, go watch Blazing Saddles ASAP)

Chemo Log 1st Treatment

My first chemo appointment is today; I have mixed emotions, fear, anxiety, happiness to really start kicking cancers ass.... My husband shared an article from a woman with stage IV about what to expect on day 1 of chemo. Overall, the day wasn't long, she made it sound pretty easy and very boring. My imagination tells me that I will be sitting in a chair with a tube attached to my port covered in a blanket watching Netflix next to Chuck.

In a few minutes, I will learn if this is true and its kind of scary. What's not scary is that I don't have bone cancer!!! The spot on my leg definitely shouldn't be there, but it isn't cancerous. My body decided that a benign bone growth needed to happen so it made it so. The sample has been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion but I'm not concerned, although my pathology was completed on the west side of Cbus, I'm sure they got it right.

I am sick of waiting, waiting, waiting... I have had to wait for results, doctors and now to get back for chemo. I've been here an hour and successfully saw my oncologist and now I'm in the waiting area for infusion. I am the youngest person here by decades which is weird because it feels as though I hear about all ages having cancer. Maybe they are all at the James like Charlene says. (If you don't know about Charlene, let me know).

I'll follow up this blog with my actual experience, for now I'll keep waiting...

I'm almost done with my first treatment. Very underwhelming. I sit in a recliner in a big room with half walls separating our little areas with Chuck sitting next to me (his chair isn't near as comfy). I have a new chemo blanket made by a prior patient with love; she makes some every few months for new chemo patients. The nurse, Denise, is very nice and focuses on cleanliness to reduce chance of infection. I arrived at noon and its going on 3, nearly done. I will definitely bring some snacks next time and maybe my heating pad. This has been a good first visit, first stop on the five to six month long chemo train...

The good, the bad and the ugly

The Good- My coworkers, family and friends are AMAZING!!! My Care Calendar is full of those willing to drive me to appointments, Rally for Randi is off the ground and scheduled, fabulous peeps are donating to the rally and my gofundme, my coworkers gave me a huge care package last week, my Aunt Julie mailed me a care package.... I just have no intelligent words to express my emotions of gratitude, appreciation and love for everyone.

If cancer has done anything, its brought me closer to some wonderful people and forced my stubborn self to accept the help and love that is being offered.

I cut my hair last Saturday, and it looks awesome! I have been scared to cut it short for so many years and turns out my curls like being short!

The Bad- My port was placed today, and it hurts. Apparently cutting a hole above your clavicle is painful! I am seriously tired, way more than usual, and concerned about my tired level once chemo starts.

I'm still worried about money and missing work, but my health comes first. Hopefully it will all work out.

The Ugly- I may have bone cancer... The MRI results came back and my liver is fine (very surprising given my 20's) but my left knee is very worrisome per my oncologist. I'm scheduled for a bone biopsy tomorrow and need the results to be ready before my first chemo treatment. Like everything else, I'm trying not to worry, but I'm worried.

I can't change the name of my blog if needed, but I will say I have BBC if my biopsy is positive. I'm really tired of waiting for results, that's one of the hardest parts of my journey. So many issues come to mind when you're waiting... If I have bone and breast cancer will I have to do radiation, will they need to remove tumors from my knee, is it invasive, how the hell are the two connected?!

As week six starts, yet again, I'll be waiting by my phone hoping for good news and trying not to worry about the unknown. I will continue to shake my head because my hair feels cool and I will work to stay positive no matter how hard it feels sometimes.

Thanks to everyone who has me in their prayers and thoughts, part of a prayer chain and anything else y'all are doing to help me fight through this journey.

In times of sadness, let's all remember that T-Rex is unable to tie her shoes....

Who is more uncomfortable about my BC?

I attended a conference today for work and assumed most people didn't know about my BC so I intended not to talk about it. I'm the chair of a committee and when we met, I realized I may not be in attendance at the next meeting in a few months so I casually let them know I have BC and wasn't sure how I'd be feeling. It's uncomfortable for me because I don't want to make a big deal, but how do my associates feel?

They laughed a little and kept going with the conversation and we unofficially identified a vice chair to serve in my absence. Once we finished committee business, the new "vice chair" said she was sorry and that I was too young for this shit. I agreed and quickly explained that it came out of nowhere, I start chemo next week and this led to discussing benefits at my employer and if they were good. I gave her my blog info and was appreciative that she cared to ask questions, obviously we aren't close and have only met a handful of times, but how thoughtful for her to start the conversation.

Another associate at the conference asked how I was doing and that he'd seen on Facebook what was going on, nothing more needed to be said. I had a really good talk with another colleague who asked questions and didn't seem that uncomfortable. It was nice to talk to someone I know a little better and not feel that uncomfortable weight for either of us.

As I drove home this evening, I wondered if my non chalant attitude disturbs people, makes them uncomfortable or gives them an out to not discuss it if they don't want to. BC is a huge issue in my life now and dominates most of my thoughts; I am sure most people wish I never mentioned it but I'm not sure who they are.

There are other people who I believe would want to know, but in the professional world, how do I determine who's who? I would love to send an email to those I work closely with, and have for several years, if anything as an FYI. I would hate to be the last to find out someone I knew and worked with was going through a similar situation from another party. However, the question then becomes, would they feel obligated to contact me, send me well wishes, etc.? Or would I have made the right choice so it isn't awkward when we are in a meeting without my hair and going through chemo.

As I ponder the options, I also wonder who else is going through their own difficult journey that I know nothing about....

Benefits, gift cards and my village people

I need a word better than overwhelmed... I am so grateful and moved by the love, compassion, generosity and many other feels that I've encountered since announcing my BC. How can I thank so many wonderful people?!

I am a card giver and thank you note mailer but neither seems sufficient to adequately thank all of the people who are apart of my ever growing village. Chuck and I feel so uncomfortable with people focusing on us and offering to help in ways we would have never thought of but this feeling comes out of not knowing how to say thank you in the best possible way.

My friends are throwing a benefit for me, Rally for Randi, Hakuna Ma Tatas!!!! It will be Saturday, December 12th starting at noon at my friends bar, Triple Shotz (https://m.facebook.com/pages/Triple-Shotz-Cajun-Island-Cafe/629319480556877) at 2700 Brice Rd in Reynoldsburg, Ohio. I am so excited to thank all of my supporters and friends personally!!!  This is a wonderful idea, thought, gesture...

This week marks week five in my journey and I have already received donations, cards, flowers, hugs, tears, lunch, offers of gift cards during treatment and love from people I know and those that have gotten closer. This post is to thank all of y'all, to let you know what you mean to me and how you've inspired me to be happy and thankful despite BC.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” –GK Chesteron

Short Hairstyle

I've decided to take my husband's advice and cut my hair short before my first chemo appointment and donate my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (http://pantene.com/en-us/brandexperience/make-the-cut). A few friends are going to join me and assist in identifying a new style that will make me feel pretty but won't be so devastating when my hair starts falling out.  The more I've been reading women's stories and understanding the likeliness that I'll lose my hair the more concerned I am that chunks will start falling out with my current long hair and I'll kind of lose it aka wig out, LOL.

Luckily, I don't have any grey hair and it isn't dyed so it's perfect for donating and well over the required 8". The hair is used to make wigs for the American Cancer Society to help women as they lose hair to help them continue feeling beautiful. I am getting fitted for a wig on Friday but I won't be sure if I want one until the time comes.  I am so lucky to have friends who have offered to buy me a wig, offered resources of where to obtain a wig and those that have offered me wigs from other strong women that survived breast cancer.

I'm scheduled to cut my hair this coming Saturday, Halloween, and am excited and anxious with this new path of beauty.  I'm hoping that my eyebrows and eyelashes don't fall out, this isn't as common as the hair on your head loss, but it does happen to some women.  I don't wear makeup, if I lose my facial hair, I will have to learn makeup!!  I don't want to walk around without eyelashes and eyebrows, that just sounds awful. I'd be okay if I lose hair from stomach down, no more shaving, WOOHOO!! There are few advantages to BC, but this may be one of them.

I just spoke with my Mom on the phone, she's back in the Dallas area, and I miss her.  I wish she was here to help me and Chuck as we go through this journey.  She is so proud of my wonderful friends and glad that we have so much love over a thousand miles away to help us with support, driving, etc. It's always great talking to her, we are able to support each other and discuss our frustrations, concerns, wins and losses. I know that she misses me and knows that I love her, don't cry if you read this Mom!!

As another new week starts, I will be happy to almost be done with going to the hospital minus a few visits this week, and focus on starting chemo next week.  For those of you thinking, Randi it's just hair, it will grow back.... please know that I know this but it's just going to be awhile before that's relevant.

Chemo, wigs and ports

This week was another exciting adventure! I learned that I do not have cancer in my left breast or ovaries, uterus, etc. However, I did learn I need an MRI for my broken fibula, its not a torn meniscus as previously thought, and an MRI for my liver lesion (or pooling of blood or whatever is going on).

Our assumption is that neither is cancer related but cancer needs to be ruled out just in case. I will be starting chemo Nov 5th and will have injections the day after chemo for eight weeks then chemo every week for twelve weeks then an injection for the rest of the year.

How will I be receiving all of these fabulous chemicals?! Via a port installed in my chest, how fun does that sound?! At the same time I'll be losing my hair, sounds like nearly a guarantee, going through menopause, have flushed skin (to compliment my already red complexion), battling nausea and being more tired than usual. (Yes, that can really happen).

Insurance won't cover a wig but I'm still going for a fitting so I know my options. The many beautiful people who are donating to my Gofundme will be participating in funding my wig/scarf/hairpiece and I couldn't be more grateful. I currently have beautiful long brownish hair that I just throw into a clip/ponytail holder, but soon I'll have choices to color coordinate my head. That's a plus!!!!

My friends are amazing and waiting for our care calendar to become available so they can sign up for times to drive me to chemo, or getting my port installed or my haircut. I've decided that my husband is right, it will be easier to lose small amounts of hair compared to long chunks so pixie haircut here I come!!!

If you'd like to donate to help me when I have to take unpaid leave, like this past week, or cover items not covered by insurance I will be forever be grateful. This journey has many paths and I don't know which path I'm going down until it starts...

https://www.gofundme.com/4q6p7ucx

Throw it on the ground!

Whiskey is dangerous.... I love craft beer and have become a fan of whiskey but I fear whiskey isn't for me. My fabulous coworkers took me out to celebrate, me! It was so thoughtful and great, but I can't drink like I use to and totally made an ass out of myself.

Based on my husband's retelling of the evening, I threw the items from my table on the ground Lonely Island style! My angry self decided that cancer sucks and so does Randi when she realizes that she has cancer.

I am super strong and hate to cry so its difficult when others want to talk about what I'm going through because on whiskey I apparently let all of my guards down and get angry. Imagine a brown hair eyeglass wearing conservative dressing woman losing it around coworkers at a bar around the corner from work.... Not pretty but I feel last night was necessary for me.

Dr Lilly called with the good news that I don't have cancer anywhere else but I definitely need an MRI of my left knee and liver. Looks like I did something to my fibula and there is blood or liquid hanging out in my liver. Speaker phone is amazing, when you're too drunk to talk or listen, your doctor can give the news to you and your husband. Chuck texted me the phone call results because he knew I'd have no idea. I'm so lucky to have a husband that picks me up, listens to my doctor and explains to me what's happening in my world.

I don't see me drinking in excess any time soon but its good to know that my friends are always there to keep me safe, allow me to throw what I want on the ground and call my husband when needed...

It's too early in my journey to be this tired

I'm tired.... Today I had a CT scan completed of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and a bone scan. The bone scan worried me because they spent longer looking at my pelvis than they thought they would. When I left, I was tired and overwhelmed and just wanted to go home but I knew I had to "adult" and go to work.

I'm worried about paying our bills with me taking unpaid leave for appointments and leave to gather myself together. Chuck and I have had many challenges during our seven year marriage and we have always made it through financially but this time I'm really worried.

Luckily, my husband and job are both extremely supportive of me taking care of me and have faith that everything else will work out. That has been my personal mantra for years, but usually I'm the one working to make it work, not the one causing the issue.

I chose to come home and take a much needed nap to regroup and re-energize and missed a phone call from central scheduling at the hospital. What are they scheduling now?! I thought I had everything scheduled, guess I'll find out tomorrow. Supposedly, today's test results will be ready for my doctor tomorrow. Fingers crossed that nothing new was discovered today.

As this week continues, I need to remember that crying is okay, friends are available to talk and T-Rex can't give hugs...

Genetics and removing body parts

Today I went with my BFF Beth to genetics testing. I expected them to swab my cheek and tell me what the results would mean and leave. I was surprised to find out the appointment would take 60-90 minutes.

When I arrived my counselor began explaining about genes and how some have been linked to cancers. She made a family tree and I quickly realized I wasn't prepared for this line of questioning. I was very lucky to be adopted by my Dad when he married my Mom so I have never met my biological sperm donor making half of my tree a question mark.

As we began discussing my mom's family I realized I have no idea how many cousins I have, if any of them have medical issues or if my aunts and uncles suffer from cancers or diseases. I have zero idea about my Mom's dads family and little to no info on her mom's family. To assist, I called my Mom for assistance. She answered the phone in a rush trying to feed her pack of fluffies and called me back. You learn real quick how much I am my Mom's daughter when she's on the phone saying a curse word while yelling at a dog or two and working to remember information.

She knew how many cousins I have, medical issues related to her siblings (down to the number of colon polyps her sisters have had) but it got iffy when we went further up the proverbial tree.... Babcia (Polish for grandmother) had uterine and colon cancer which eventually put her in a coma and her siblings all passed from colon cancer.

What age did these great aunts and uncles pass away, no idea; did they have any kids, no idea; is there anyone alive to ask, no idea. At this point the counselor realized we had colon and uterine cancer to discuss and to her surprise my cancer polyps and breast cancer.

There are multiple genes that I could be positive for, currently they are betting I have Lynch Syndrome or BRCA 1 or 2. If I am positive for any of the genes listed, it pretty much means I have more information to determine if I remove ovaries, my uterus, get a complete hysterectomy or remove both breasts. Since I've opted for chemo, these results really won't matter until next year.

In a nutshell, it was an interesting visit and the least invasive but not really helpful for me at this time. The visit does prompt me to recommend that others find out their family medical history's and to determine if my mom, sister and the rest of the family need to be tested for the same genes I may have.

I'll let y'all know which body parts may be leaving once I learn the results. For now, I'll continue hoping that the main parts that make me female remain a little longer.....

Randi's cancer takes a village

I understand the need to ask for help, the importance of relying on loved ones to get through difficult times and I hate it. Perhaps it's pride, or stubbornness, or plain old embarrassment that I can't do everything I want to do when I want to do it because I'm weak in other areas.

Regardless of the reason, my independence is going to the side as the BC journey begins. I have had so many wonderful people offer to help in anyway, many whom I'm not particularly close to but know that they have good, true hearts. I have had offers to take me to appointments, sit with me at the hospital, get out of the house when needed, have home cooked meals, suggestions of different oils and therapies to use.

The use of Randi's village began last week when my husband and all time awesome best friend Beth sat with me waiting for the news to determine if I have cancer. As appointments began, they have both taken me or are taking me this week. I've had rescue peeps contact me offering to sit at appointments on their day off.

I'm only two weeks, going onto three, into the first leg and today I realized I need help getting Nate to school this week. I'm going to be scrambling to make my hours at work with at least 12 hours of testing during my workday. Luckily my BFF is willing and able to take him to school, this is a huge weight off of our shoulders.

I think as I continue to reduce my stubbornness, let go of some pride and realize embarrassment is silly; I will feel more comfortable accepting the help that is being offered. For those that are in my village, or looking to join, registration is free, payment is my awesomeness and time involved varies. I'm thinking of making some shirts, "Member of Randi's Village" on the front, T-Rex on the back working to tie a pink ribbon....

Nate, I have cancer

Kids constantly amaze and surprise with their understanding and love. My youngest stepson, Nate, is 11 and has been in my life for over 8 years. He is smart, funny, compassionate and an all around great kid. We have him every other week and he came over today to start our week.

We had dinner, watched a little of The Penguins movie and then had the BC talk. I wanted to tell him in person and answer any questions. Nate has heard of cancer before and knew several different kinds but not what cancer is. Chuck explained about the cells, my intended treatment and that it isn't contagious or his fault.

Nate knew BC is bad but there were no tears or questions. Columbus Monthly has an article on BC this month, October, BC awareness month. Nate flipped through the article and began eating a Slim Jim. As he chewed he said he wished the Slim Jim was cancer so he could eat it away. I told him to let us know if he has questions and that I may be sick over the next few months.

The BC talk went better than most of my friends when they found out. My oldest stepson, Ben, found out via Facebook and hasn't known what to say so we haven't talked. It's so weird telling my stepson that I feel fine but will be most likely sick over the next few months in order to feel better. It's also strange talking about breasts, or the removal of them, with an 11 year old.

I assume Nate will process and ask questions later. For now he's happily playing the WiiU..... If only I could do the same.

It hit me today....

I hate crying, a lot. I don't like the overwhelming feeling of emotions or the way crying gives you a headache and makes your nose run. Since Monday when BC was confirmed it hasn't felt real that this is a huge problem and truly life changing.

Yesterday's visit with Dr Lilly was exhausting. I have potential cancer in other places and next week is full of tests that I've never had. I'm still waiting to hear from the oncologist's office to schedule my consult. It's weird thinking I can't schedule my next few months because chemo might knock me down for a few. I'm going to be a chemo patient within a month of my mammogram, that's just crazy.

I had an overwhelming moment today at lunch thinking about all my testing and potential future. I took two Xanax to work through the start of a panic attack and tried to keep smiling. By the time I returned to the office I needed a break and a couple of hugs, luckily my coworkers kick ass and recognized the need. I hugged two great people and took a needed walk to get a caramel macchiato, it really helped.

As next week starts and my at least 12 hours of testing starts, I will continue to remind myself that a walk, laugh, hug or a moment are needed to get through this.

I am looking forward to my weekend, bad movies, good food and being surrounded by my husband and good friend are just what I need to start to process this first leg of the journey.

Dude, I have BC

It finally hit me today, Thursday, Oct 15, 2015; I have breast cancer. I met with my surgeon, Dr Lilly, and I have stage 2a on my right breast and potential cancer was found in my left breast after last night's MRI. WTF?!!! I now have cancer in both breasts?! The treatment plan is to start chemo ASAP, I'll be meeting an oncologist next week. I'm triple positive in my right breast and the cell type is invasive ductal carcinoma. This means, in my laymans terms, that I have cancer that digs growing bigger and NO estrogen for me.

As of tonight, no more birth control and I am now worried about getting uterine or ovarian cancer. The good news is we are considering removal of my tubes and ovaries which means NO MORE PERIODS.... The crowd goes wild!!!

I will be doing genetic testing on Monday to determine how susceptible I am to multiple cancers. The remainder of the week will consist of meeting with an oncologist, echo cardiogram, CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis, bone scan and ultrasound with biopsy of my left breast possibly followed by an MRI with biopsy.

Don't be jealous of my week! I also get to wrap my mind around no breasts. Even if the left breast is negative, my age and type of cancer points to a very strong likeliness of cancer in the future. The bright side is that I can hopefully do reconstruction at the same time as the double mastectomy and choose my breast size (within reason, sorry Chuck, no GG's).

Good news, I should only have to worry about FMLA the next few months due to BC. I can worry about disability next year when we discuss surgery. I am beyond lucky to have such supportive friends, family, coworkers and FB peeps. My husband is my main supporter, best friend and Love; I can't imagine going through this without him. I'm not as worried about my emotional state as I am my physical. I am looking forward to naps, losing weight and getting in shape as I work to throat punch this cancer and any others that come my way.

BC diagnosis

As a 36 year old woman with no family history of breast cancer, (hereafter referred to as BC), it never occurred to me to be concerned about going for a mammogram. My ob/gyn said it was an option if I wanted to do a baseline and my insurance confirmed that a mammo would be covered. So, on Sept 30, 2015, I spent a half hour being squeezed and squashed in a 3D mammo machine with every expectation of not returning for at least four years.

The following day, I received a phone call with concern that calcification was found in my mammo and a follow up diagnostic mammo and ultrasound were requested. I was told this was normal for baseline mammo's and that rarely was it to be a concern.

The following Tuesday, Oct 6, 2015, I found myself talking to two radiologists concerned about an abnormal mass and abnormal mass in the abnormal calcification. I was directed to contact a surgeon, and Dr Lilly was able to get me in that day. He was very professional and during the breast exam didn't notice anything extraordinary but was concerned about the films and results he had reviewed.

That Thursday, Oct 8, 2015, I found myself receiving another ultrasound that found another mass in my lymph node. Three biopsies occurred resulting in 21 samples and the waiting began.... The holiday weekend seemed to never end waiting for a phone call from Dr Lilly identifying if I had cancer or not. The call finally came after his long day in surgery at 6 p.m. Mon, Oct 13, 2015, and my loving and supportive husband and best friend were in the car to hear on speaker that both masses were cancerous but not the lymph node. (Yes, I totally saved the number he called from, I think it's his cell phone).

What a shock.... No obvious lumps, bumps or masses; no family history other than colon cancer and a lucky mammogram that was covered by insurance. The next waiting started to determine the type and stage. My MRI was tonight, Thurs, Oct 14, 2015 and I find out tomorrow what I'm up against. Monday I go for genetic testing to determine how susceptible I am to BC and what chemo is right for me. These past two weeks have been a whirlwind.

Chuck, my husband, and I are trying to be prepared while not over preparing. What type of leave are we eligible for, how are we going to financially cover the periods of work not covered, how do I tell my 11 year old stepson? How do I not over use the BC excuse to get out of doing stuff I don't want to do?