I hate crying, a lot. I don't like the overwhelming feeling of emotions or the way crying gives you a headache and makes your nose run. Since Monday when BC was confirmed it hasn't felt real that this is a huge problem and truly life changing.
Yesterday's visit with Dr Lilly was exhausting. I have potential cancer in other places and next week is full of tests that I've never had. I'm still waiting to hear from the oncologist's office to schedule my consult. It's weird thinking I can't schedule my next few months because chemo might knock me down for a few. I'm going to be a chemo patient within a month of my mammogram, that's just crazy.
I had an overwhelming moment today at lunch thinking about all my testing and potential future. I took two Xanax to work through the start of a panic attack and tried to keep smiling. By the time I returned to the office I needed a break and a couple of hugs, luckily my coworkers kick ass and recognized the need. I hugged two great people and took a needed walk to get a caramel macchiato, it really helped.
As next week starts and my at least 12 hours of testing starts, I will continue to remind myself that a walk, laugh, hug or a moment are needed to get through this.
I am looking forward to my weekend, bad movies, good food and being surrounded by my husband and good friend are just what I need to start to process this first leg of the journey.
My dearest Randi Lynn. The hardest part of this journey for me is that I am too far away to be one of those who will take you up and hug you and be there so you can unload if you need to or find a place that makes your heart smile and to smile with you.
ReplyDeleteNo history of BC leaves us all in a state of quandry. You have accomplished so very much, recently graduating from school and now this. I'm going to say it...its just not fair. Fair? This world if often NOT fair.
I remember with such appreciation and fondness and love how you and your sister and mom, came to me as soon as you could following Rachel's death. You were there for me in a profound way and it helped in a profound way even if you were not aware of it.
So, all these hundreds of miles away I am sending you my love. And if you need me to be there for anything, I will make it happen! Of course, I'm not likely to be your first choice but I hope you know it matters enough to me to find a way.
Sending you love and support and bunches of smiles across these miles. And when your heart feels so heavy that tears well up I have learned that if you physically look up, at the sky, the ceiling whatever and wherever, if you look up the tears stay at bay.
Lovingly yours,
Aunt Linda
Thank you so much Aunt Linda!!! I agree, this is all a shock. I appreciate your support despite the miles, I love and miss you!
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