Thankful

This Thanksgiving on Facebook, I listed ten things I'm thankful for: my husband, family, friends, home, job, stepsons, health, my Mom, rescue and my dogs. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel as though I should have a renewed zest for life. I should be getting healthy, focusing on a bucket list, identifying things I've always wanted to do and setting goals. In reality, I wish I had enough money to take time off for chemo. Not a huge goal, but something I wish I could do.

In general, I'm not a person that wants a whole lot but having cancer does make me wish I had gotten life insurance and cancer insurance if I could. I have been thinking of ways to be happier like finding a job that makes me want to get up everyday and do my best. I have thought this would be by becoming a veterinarian, running a rescue or working for an organization focused on the well being of pets. Perhaps this dream job is still the right path, but definitely not one to pursue during cancer.

I have this feeling that I should be working towards a goal or accomplishment. It's hard to describe, but having a goal to get through cancer isn't cutting it. Maybe my last six years getting my degrees has placed a weird need to be working towards something. Or, maybe I need a hobby that is self fulfilling but not too time consuming or with deadlines.

I'm going to think on this weird feeling and try to figure out what my head and heart want during this frustrating cancer process. Waiting every two weeks, soon to be weekly, to go to chemo and feel bad for a week just sucks. I can't make concrete plans with friends because I might have to cancel due to how I'm feeling and that alone is frustrating. I'm not able to commit to a board or other venture for the same reason and although I love staying home to watch movies, I'm used to being much busier with a calendar to look forward to.

I know everyone understands and I'm focusing on me, but it is still frustrating to feel as though I should/could be doing more. Maybe I'll look into getting my JD, or another Masters, or train to run a marathon. I'll update once I figure it out.