Walks...

Y'all, I just participated in my first organized walk that I can remember. This may or may not mean that I've participated in similar walks in the past, I just can't literally remember. I rock at donating, raising funds and awareness for the cause but when it comes to actually walking, I would rather sleep in, stay out late, transport rescue dogs or many other things than walk. Well, today was a cause that personally affects me, not that others haven't affected me through friends or family, but today was my first breast cancer walk ever.
What does this mean to me... It means I donated and walked for a cause that could have ended my life. It means for the first time I rolled my ass out of bed early on a Sunday after being out late, got dressed, grabbed Hazelnut and Chuck (soon to be ex husband) and met my kickass friend Lyndsay to walk for breast cancer. We walked to help fund breast cancer research, raise awareness, inspire women to get mammograms (especially those under 40), we walked to celebrate my life and survivorship and that of so many other women. We walked...
I had a tutu made for the event, props to Melanie Oliver, for making said tutu. I used a tutu for my stone goose to go around my black chow chow Hazelnut's neck so she, as a cancer survivor, would also enjoy a brisk Sunday walk. We all had pink on, signed petitions, wrote who we were supporting on signs and stickers (me, :-)), and took off with other survivors and supporters to cheers, screams, prayers and everything else people could do to show that breast cancer doesn't define us... Breast cancer is a disease that can be treated... Breast cancer can be researched the hell out of to find a cure... Breast cancer isnt everything, it's only something... Something we can conquer, rise against, and beat.
Did we walk the whole way, absolutely not. I'm hella out of shape and Hazelnut was tired, but we made it about half way. Prior to the walk I had the honor of being interviewed by a local news channel. They were looking for a recent survivor and being 5 months cancer free, I fit the bill. It was awesome to tell my story of being diagnosed, the past year, share photos and just be recognized as a recent survivor. It was amazing to be surrounded by other survivors, I heard my breast surgeon was even there, that's flipping awesome.
Today helped me realize I need to up my BC survivor game with shoes and pants appropriate for the event. It also helped me realize I'm straight out of shape and that needs to become a priority pronto. I can't thank Chuck and Lyndsay enough for joining me today. It was humbling knowing people in my life care about me enough to wake up early and walk. As a sucky waker upper, thank y'all for waking up early for me. It means the world.
To the rest of y'all, get your mammograms!!!!! Find a cause that makes you want to wake up early on a Sunday to walk. Find a fight worthy of your dollars and dedication. We all know I'm a huge supporter of rescue, but that doesn't mean other issues aren't close to my heart. If it isn't worth a tutu, keep it moving, you'll find your tutu event soon enough.

I'm there....

I am at the point where I just want to get in my car and drive. No destination in mind, just go. Leave my life for a few months and explore, feel, think, really consider my options, really review my life. I would obviously come back, I have a house and four dogs. However, just the thought of truly getting away is so enticing. The only things stopping me are money, my job, the house and my dogs. These are pretty big reasons why I can't just go, but this thought is present in my dreams.
I dreamed recently that I just shoved everything off my desk, screamed, "I'm fucking done!", transferred all of my money to my soon to be ex husband to care for the house and dogs and I got in my Escape, and escaped. I knew in my dream I would be back, but in that moment, I felt so free and capable of accomplishing anything. Yes, it was a dream, but dreams often are our subconscious working through issues lurking in the background. This dream wasn't realistic, I can't leave a great job with no money and just drive away. It doesn't work like that. I'm not a Kardashian, with money for no reason, able to get on my private jet and soar to a new destination. I'm Randi, owner of a Ford Escape, house in Grove City, program manager for local government, and dog mom to four furkids. My life is here, in the now, no matter how much I would love to take a break, it isn't in the cards.
I am sure many, many other people feel the same, possibly for better reasons. It would be nice if there was a pot of money available for this exact reason, to just take a hiatus from life, or at least current life. You would continue living...
For now, I just keep doing exactly that, living. Going through the motions, finding joy where I can. Exploring my current city, learning more at my job, figuring out where my part is in rescue and dealing with issues as they arise. My boss recently told me I live in a state of chaos, and she was so right. I am used to having my world swirling, constantly worrying about one thing or another. Never really having calm in my life, it is exhausting. Every time I think I am through one trial, there is another just waiting to take my time and resolve. At some point, I must be creating these situations, at some point I should have the opportunity to take control. I'm just not sure how. My life has always felt like a challenge, constantly battling foes, facing demons and working through a maze. It's a continuous game that I never win.
I need to work on how to get to the end through a less convoluted route. It's like the book, Who Moved My Cheese, there's a better way, I just need to find it.

On my own again...

Good morning peeps! It's Saturday, October 15th, and what an eventful week. My divorce papers were filed Monday, the refinance of the house was Tuesday and my new vinyl plank floors were delivered this morning. In my attempt to do shit on my own, I signed up for Beer and Donuts through the Columbus Craft Beer Alliance without Chuck. My goal was to come to an event I'm interested in to meet other people that are also interested in the same things. Turns out only couples are attending so I'm enjoying my beer and donuts solo which is fine.
I'm trying to do more on my own so it isn't always Chuck and Randi. For those that have gotten out of long term relationships, this should sound familiar. We are both working towards separation while remaining good friends. I'm excited and scared to be divorced, D Day is December 22nd.
I am nearly through with Herceptin, only two more infusions! I am looking forward to no longer planning a visit to the infusion center every three weeks. It's hard to believe it was a year ago this past Wednesday when I was diagnosed. So much has happened in the past year. I still have hot flashes and am on a higher dose of Effexor to combat them. I have crazy hair, it's short but puffy in the middle. I might need to get a trim...
I am starting to feel more normal but I still mention my cancer about once a week. I think it will be awhile before it isn't at the forefront of my thoughts. I attended a conference this week and it was nice not to be bald or newly diagnosed like last year. Although everyone I meet is always super supportive and nice, it's good to just be Randi.
Chuck is ready to date, and I'm happy for him, he deserves someone that makes him happy. I'm not ready, no idea when I will be, but I'll just trust my instincts and go with the flow. I feel like I have so much baggage that I just don't want to talk about. Trust is hard to offer, it feels like a daunting task to actually find someone to talk to especially when you're aware that there's a lot to say. A lot to discuss. A lot of judgment that could be involved. Just not in the mood.
For New Years Eve, I was planning to see my BFF in Florida but the flight cost was too much so Chuck suggested a party at the house. Originally, I really didn't want to ring in the new year with my ex husband, but where else would I be? Particularly if our friends are able to come over. These new floors should be enjoyed by everyone!
As usual, I'm taking it one minute at a time, one day, one week.

Dude, its October 4th

I am coming up on the first anniversary of finding out I had cancer, Oct 12th. It's been such a crazy year, it doesn't feel like a year has even passed. Time moved so slow during chemo and waiting for surgery, then being off work to recover. Now, it's October, I'm paying for my divorce attorney tomorrow, my floors are getting installed in two weeks and the refinance is hopefully going to be next week. My soon to be ex husband and I have had some good conversations that really needed to happen. We've decided that he and his son will live here through the school year. It will help us both financially, allow my stepson to continue his normal routine and I'll have a helper when I get my hysterectomy next year. I know I just posted about wanting everyone to move the hell out, but then reality kicks in and this just makes more sense. Now, my sister, her dog and the kittens need to roll. I love her but we are not compatible room mates, which is totally okay. I'm trying to help her find a decent apartment in a safe area for what she can afford. The rental market is cray cray, as Jillian would say, and it's hard to find the right place but I'm confident she will. The kittens have to be out in a week so I can keep the dogs in the basement while the floors are being installed. A rescue has said they'll take them, fingers crossed! Those poor girls are sick of being cooped up in a crate. I let them out when I feed them and they had no desire to go back in, I hope they have some freedom soon.
My anxiety is still out of whack, I really miss my cymbalta, but I think it'll get better once the next few weeks are done. My last post was about me having some good luck.... Well my damn appraisal came in $3,000 less than I needed which just sucks. These floors aren't paying for themselves but I'll figure something out, I always do. I'm still a mess at work, I'm trying to get myself together but some days it's just too much and too unhappy to go there. I'm an adult who has a big girl job with kickass benefits, absolutely no reason to complain. I just can't get back in the groove. It's really, really annoying.
I was supposed to start at the YMCA tonight for their LiveStrong program and totally didn't. You're only supposed to miss two classes and I already have a few conflicts so I'm gonna try again when it's offered next year. This doesn't mean I don't need to go, I totally do; I need to figure out a way to lose weight and get healthy. The hardest part is doing it. I know how to eat healthy, how to walk, hell I own a treadmill. I just don't have the motivation. My dresses are fitting a little tighter so that should help motivate me some.
I could really just use some time away.... Time to regroup.... Time to relax... Time to reflect...just time