5 Years

Howdy y'all, it's been a few years. I had a breakthrough yesterday while celebrating my 5 year cancerversary. I had a fabulous day with my best friend, her husband, and both of my beautiful nieces. They worked to make my day special, hosting me in Florida, taking me out for drinks, I spent quality time with my nieces. I am so appreciative that friends, family, and all of FB wished me congratulations, reminded me how loved I am. This year is monumental, I'm significantly less likely to have cancer return, I'm eligible for life insurance again, I'm that much further from talking about my cancer often. Yesterday, I also had a realization......my survivors guilt is real. It's overwhelming, it has allowed me to justify my decisions. I have been on a downward spiral, I have been running to rock bottom with no fear.

I have been reckless with my health, my finances, my friendships, relationships, etc, etc. I realized that I don't understand why I'm here. So many in my life see me as a good person, a giving person, a person everyone can rely on. And, I am, I am all of these things. I truly enjoy helping others, so much, it's often a detriment to myself. I have this guilt that if I don't help when I'm capable, I'm a bad person. I don't know how to say No, I don't know how to not be the person people rely on. 

My depression has been crippling in recent years, it's been a constant companion. Anxiety has joined my circle as a stalker of my joy. Why am I here? Why did I beat cancer? Why did the universe alert me to push for a mammogram when there were no signs, no family history, no issues? Many of us have lost someone to cancer, particularly breast cancer. I lost a friend to a similar cancer as mine shortly after beating it. She chose not to be as aggressive, she didn't embrace the bald head, she wasn't willing to go through the aggressive chemo and didn't choose to lose both breasts. She was a wife and mother, and her journey ended with breast cancer; my journey continued. 

I need to climb out of this survivors guilt, I need to become the Randi I used to be. I have the capability of being truly happy, I have the ability to help others while not draining myself. I need to reset my boundaries, find a balance between being here for a reason and being here for me. I am so tired of being unhappy, not caring enough about me and my life. 

2021 Randi is going to face her fears, find ways to look up, and figure out how to get back to me. This journey is continuing for many reasons, only I can make them positive ones.