Angry Randi

When I was younger, anger was my number one go to emotion. I am familiar with its fire and others knew not to get close to the flames. As I've grown older, anger and I have learned to co-exist as long distance friends,  when needed we are there for each other. I have had time to grow up, work on my patience, compassion and frustration.

I am proud that I've grown to be a kind hearted woman that doesn't live with anger as my BFF. This weekend however, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel the fire deep inside and have a valid reason to unleash the flames. BC is fucking stupid, why does it exist?! I'm not going to say why me, because I truly believe that I'm strong enough to handle the journey but I am angry that anyone has to start the journey at all. To date I haven't really cried over the diagnosis but this weekend a few tears were shed over hair.

My BFF Beth offered to have her stylist dye my hair fantastically fun colors to celebrate my hair, and the oncoming loss. I received approval from work, picked out blue, pink and purple as my colors and mentally prepared myself that I still have control over my fucking hair!! The night before the appointment, my husband suggested I make sure I could dye my hair on chemo. The thought never occurred to me that I couldn't.

As we read the internet, it became clear that dying my hair wasn't safe and would only speed up my upcoming hair loss. I was pissed... How dare BC take this simple task away. How dare chemo not only cause me to go into menopause and feel like shit; it had to take away fun hair! I know that there are so many other things to be angry about, but this was my proverbial straw. I realize that this was really me being angry I have BC, it sucks, it isn't fair, why me....

Instead of letting me rant and rave on Facebook, my friends found silver linings, alternatives and made suggestions on how to change my hair without dye. It was heartwarming to see so many village peeps working to cheer me up but really I just wanted to be angry. My husband and Beth both immediately understood, but I think they both also knew the real cause of my anger.

Thank you to everyone who stepped up with encouragement, options and general positivity. Although I just wanted to be angry, y'all wouldn't let me. Very few people can say they are surrounded on possibly their darkest journey by light.

Angry Randi is still inside and will come out a few times on this journey, its good to know that there are so many that won't let her stay.