D-i-v-o-r-c-e-d

You read that right, I'm divorced... After 8 1/2 years, my marriage has officially ended. A decade long relationship has turned into a friendship. Although we both feel our marriage ended a few years ago, or longer, it became official at 8:31 a.m. today. For those that have never divorced, the amount of time it takes to get married is significantly longer. Our appointment was at 8:30, the judge asked a few yes or no questions from both of us, agreed to the divorce, signed the document and bam! No more husband and wife.

Although I can come off as a bitch, emotionless, hard and cold.... I do recognize that today is not an average day. A union has ended. My reign as stepmother has ended, at least officially. My partner is now a friend. My heart is free to search, wander... conquer. I totally high fived him after the hearing, I'm not sure what would have been appropriate but a high five is my go to.

I feel strange, excited, relieved, happy and a little sad. I still want the best for him and in a way am sorry I wasn't the best. 2016 has been such a roller coaster; cancer, chemo, becoming cancer free, big surgery, divorce, figuring out who I am again. Today, December 29th, I became a single woman heading to Boston to celebrate the new year. Today I moved from wife to friend. My status changed from stepmom to other mom as Nate describes me. I changed from living with my husband to living with a male room mate.

In true Randi fashion, I had coffee with a good friend and came to a bar for a beer and whiskey. It's nice being in an empty bar; I'm able to listen to the music, enjoy my IPA and blog in peace. I know that I will internally process my divorce at my own pace; I will work through any feelings that appear; I will grieve the old in hope of the new. I highly recommend marriage to those that want a partner in crime, a best friend who they love to kiss, a body they want to sleep next to, a person to grow old with after the body, and possibly mind, fail.

I am quite confident I shouldn't have gotten married, I think our relationship changed the minute I Do's were said. I'm just not marriage material I don't think. As I venture into dating, this is a fact I feel comfortable and confident in sharing. I was told recently that I can be intimidating, scary and hard to talk to. I come off as a my way or the highway kind of gal; this doesn't concern me. I am who I am. A friend yesterday told me that you either love me or are scared of me. I imagine many of you understand this sentiment. I am strong, stubborn, independent and for the most part know what I want. I like my coffee black, beer hoppy, whiskey straight and dresses A-line. I love craft beer, making a difference in dog and cat rescue, being a dog mom, a good friend and am proud that I'm loud. I am honest, up front, talkative and straight forward. I'm not for everyone, but not everyone is for me. I wear a smile more than a frown and would rather have a beer than argue.

I'm now classified as a young divorced breast cancer survivor. 2016 has changed me in ways I can't describe, and don't want to. I'm working towards going with the flow, loving myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm looking forward to 2017, how will my story change? What new chapters will be started and closed? As always, thank y'all for your love and support. I wish each of you a happy new year; be safe, but a little wild. End your 2016 chapter on a high note.

Online Dating

Dudes, online dating is cray cray!! That is the only way to describe millions of people trying to pick the best free site to meet "the one", a hook up, someone to date, someone to talk to, a friend. The number of sites out there is mind blowing, there are so many you've never heard of (and a few you don't want to hear about). I've talked to a few guys, if their profiles are true, and one guy on the phone. I've received two dick pics, one bottom pic, an option to be eaten (yeah like that, literally the first thing he sent as a message), a few opportunities for long term relationships long distance, a supposed military dude in Nigeria (is he a prince?), the disbelief that I don't want children, confusion why I don't want to jump into a long term anything, an option from a dude for a threesome and a few other surprises.

I was asked to be a side piece today, so that rocked. He was extremely polite and
seemingly honest about being married looking for someone he has chemistry with because he has little communication or intimacy in his current marriage. Although I appreciated his honesty, if that's what it is, I'm not a side piece. However, a friend pointed out I would have to build up to side piece status based on his messages.... I'm a damn good side piece, I don't work up to that status! ;-)

One dude contacted me and my sister and per her description, he thinks you're an item after the first date. I haven't talked to him since, he mysteriously never contacted me again.  I've chatted with a few guys only to find their profiles have been deleted a few minutes prior. I've sent messages to guys who may have something in common with me, and they don't respond but continue to view my profile.... It's a fine line between being open but not too open. I'm a talker and want to believe that most people are good (even after all I've seen in life and rescue). I want to trust that those I talk to online are genuinely looking for a friend, girlfriend, an opportunity. Supposedly I'm a guys pen pal now, he has emailed me a few times.... But his profile has since been deleted.

I chatted with a guy who asked if I found him attractive, I didn't, and said so politely but that I enjoy making new friends. He responded with, "Hmmm", and never responded again. I felt bad but didn't want to lie, I'm not good at it. I'm talking to an Army guy stationed in Boston. I enjoy chatting but there's always the possibility he isn't real. He has shared a couple videos of himself but it could be that he's downloading random videos. It's so weird to think that people do this, they purposefully try to trick people. He's seriously cute if that's him, but he's looking for long term; we are still chatting... I remember IMing and assuming everyone was honest. Now there are scams to pull at your heart strings, just be mean, extort money from well meaning souls looking for love and/or companionship.

I'm just chatting, seeing who's out there beyond the bar scene (let's face it, I hang out at the only two good places in GC). I'm 37, not 27, I have a career, home, dogs, scars, baggage and too tired for one night stands. I don't want a knight on a white horse, maybe an employed fella with a good sense of humor in a decent vehicle with a place to live. I don't need a savior, I'm independent, I'm smart, I'm not sending money to a Nigerian Prince but I need someone of substance, and who I'm attracted to, to message me or at least respond.

I've received messages from so many short guys, I'm 5'5; where are the dudes at least 5'10 (requirement changed from 6') without kids (or with older kids) ?! Where are the guys in Cbus, not Alabama, NY or Texas? I would like a cup of coffee, a movie date, someone to hit up a new brewery. I don't want to become a wife, mom, stepmom, long distance lover; I just want a local tallish dude with some decent attributes for a date. I've only been online for a few weeks, it's early but daunting to say the least.

As I continue to traverse my new path, I'm still optimistic, my new meds are finally kicking in and I'm open to new opportunities. I'm pretty open on my online profile and have a couple cute pics; I'm working on more, but most of my pics are of me with little to no hair. I'll keep updating y'all on my journey.....