Lynch Syndrome

Today I attended a conference/information session on Lynch syndrome, the genetic mutation I have that determines my likeliness to get cancer. It was very informative and nice to be around other people with the same condition. Some have had cancer, some haven't. Mostly Lynch throws colon cancer, uterine, ovarian and a few others but not breast.

I met a woman who also has breast cancer and Lynch syndrome, she's only 40 and also looking for a confidant to talk to.  We exchanged info and I'm hoping we will really talk. I met a young woman with Lynch who luckily hasn't had any cancer but very aware of her risks. I really enjoyed learning more about my risks and talking to others about chemo, cancer, hair growth, etc. I did receive confirmation that support groups can be depressing but might have found a young group that isn't.

I am proud of myself for going, when I woke up I thought about sleeping in. I had Pepper on one side and Gracie and Coco on the other but realized I'll be home bound for awhile and need to get out while I can. Also, I need to start pulling my head out of the sand about my medical stuff. If I'm entering this new state of acceptance, learning new info is a good step.

I felt really unlucky attending a medical event that I fit in both sessions but met another woman in the same boat which helped, I'm not alone. I'm not the only woman scared about surgery, losing her boobs, upset about her hair or trying to be preventative regarding other cancers. One of the topics was depression/stress and it's link to immunity, I thoroughly enjoyed that session. I also learned of some therapists that are learning a new way to approach helping cancer patients.

Although I am a breast cancer suffering Lynch syndrome having woman, it's okay.  A breast cancer survivor told me to take it 15 minutes at a time, then a day and so on. It's easy to become overwhelmed, and that's okay. It's easy to feel alone, and I'm not. It's easy to get scared, and realize it's a valid fear. I'm just gonna keep going with a positive attitude recognizing that I need to cry, yell and come to terms with my current situation. I'm just trying to make it without losing it, the "it" being all encompassing.

Therapy done right

I saw a counselor today, he was very nice, I've seen him before. Pretty much he recommended I attend a breast cancer support group, AA and a one on one counselor to see which is the best fit for me. I honestly have stayed away from a support group because I didn't want to be surrounded by "those people".... You know, other breast cancer having women.

My boss stated my situation perfectly today. I am finally having to accept that I have breast cancer. I have lived in a state of awareness refusing to move to the next state of acceptance. I just fucking hate that I have it, I hate talking about it, I hate living with an invisible disease that could kill me, I hate that there is no reason for me to have it, I hate that within a month of receiving my Masters I learned that my whole life would change for the worst, I hate that I can speak first hand about chemo, I really, really hate that my body is going to be forever changed this month.

I don't know how to travel gracefully between these states, why do tears have to be involved?!! I so hate crying but am coming to terms with the fact that this damn journey is partly a trail of tears. This stupid journey has so many twists and turns, I have no control!!! Man that pisses me off, I like control!

Today was a good day even though I cried, saw a therapist and had a profound realization that I in fact have breast cancer. I enjoyed a Dr Pepper, my favorite, had a bunch of kickass people reach out offering support and hugs and am going to look for a breast cancer support group. Thanks to y'all for reading my blog and letting me know you're there for me.

I am not allowed to drink anymore

I use to be a drinker. By this I mean I could out drink most people, out drink bartenders and surprise those around me with my alcohol intake. I am no longer this person. I want to be, and still try, but I can't. My tolerance is no longer what it use to be, my ability to do shots is severely impaired but I don't want to accept this. I still want to be Randi, whether it be drunk Randi or otherwise.

How do I reconcile the fact that I can't handle my liquor?! Easy, DON'T DRINK. It doesn't get easier than that. Stop it, you can't do what you use to and that's okay. I'm internalizing my fears about surgery and instead of talking about it like a normal person, I fall into my old habits of drinking. This isn't a surprise, but is a problem. Most people get upset when they talk about alcoholism, I for a fact am an alcoholic. This is just a fact, embarrassing, but true. I suck at accepting my current situation, I need to talk to someone about my concerns.

My husband, luckily, is always there to catch me but at some point he won't be. I hate recognizing my own faults, but this is one I need to come to terms with. I can't go to happy hour on my own, how sad is that?!! I need a watcher to make sure I don't make an ass out of myself, I needed this in my twenties but I'm 36 years old. If I can't face my own problems, there's an issue. I have an issue...

I'm going to try to talk to someone today, like a therapy person. I need help to get through this leg of my journey. You have no idea how much that pains me to say but I'm not strong enough to do this without guidance. I am not capable of making good choices anymore, I am stuck in my own cycle of mess. I'm just a hot mess, how do I cool off?

Girls Day

This past Saturday, I had the pleasure of having a girls day. What does this include? Lunch, pedicures and drinking with some of my best friends. We caught up on our lives, talked jobs, boys/men/spouses, cancer, things that made us laugh, the past, etc. As usual we were the loudest group everywhere we went, but in a good way. ;-)

Some friends stayed all day, others left when they had to but we were happy for the time together. Don't feel left out if you weren't invited, we all have circles of friends and this one is 7 people big. Not that we don't want to include others, we normally do, this was just one of those get togethers. As we meandered through the day, it became clear that cancer is on people's minds. I was asked about my cancer, received free drinks and kisses on my head. Somehow I'm an inspiration to others that I've never met, maybe it's being bald and beautiful.

Several of my friends were surprised how bold people can be telling their personal cancer stories, asking about mine and especially the head kissing. Luckily I'm an open person who doesn't mind telling my story although sometimes I don't want to hear yours. Cancer has forced me to embrace patience and enhance my listening look.... That's when it looks like I care but I won't remember what we talked about. I know, it's an awful truth, but I've always sucked at being a good listener. My husband and best friends will vouch for this with no shame.

Even though the purpose of the day was to get together and enjoy our friendship prior to surgery; cancer was a constant reminder for me that I'm literally going to be a new woman at the end summer. This isn't good or bad, just a fact. I'd like to think that if I had my hair it would be different, but honestly having cancer simply makes you different. I'm going through something none of my friends or family has which is a good thing. I don't want them to have first hand knowledge, but it does separate us.

I had a wonderful time Saturday, it was better than I imagined and was more fun than I planned. This was mostly due to the kickass, strong women I have in my life. The sunshine, pretty toes and Summer Shandy helped, but were definitely secondary. I want to thank all of my friends, supporters and others that help keep me positive and worry about me when I'm not looking. This journey has a large club car and I'm glad y'all are on it. Now onto the caboose of this leg of the journey. Surgery in three weeks...

No words

It isn't very often that I don't have something to say... Today was one of those days. A fellow rescuer had her husband's funeral today. He was in his early 40's and passed away suddenly last week. I had no words for her; I gave her a hug, complimented her shoes and stood staring at her husband in the casket. I've known them for over seven years through rescue. Although we aren't close, I know what good hearts they both have and just can't imagine her grief.

Having cancer has brought to light how fragile life truly is but I still don't worry about passing away from it. I don't think about the many women with my type of breast cancer who don't make it, it's too depressing and quite frankly overwhelming. As I stood in line to offer my condolences, it made me think of my husband losing me. He has a real fear of me passing away from cancer or the subsequent surgery's. He doesn't sleep well and tries not to share his concerns with me, but they slip out.

We have all heard carpe diem, YOLO and many other phrases related to seizing the day but nothing prepares you like losing a loved one. As I get closer to my surgery date I'm preparing my will and POA for healthcare to ensure my husband knows my wishes. I'm thinking of who would help take care of my dogs, who would want my fabulous shoes (size 8 1/2-9) or if my mother or sisters would want something specific.

Most of all, I thought of the words spoken at today's service describing a caring man, husband, brother and father. I only knew him through rescue but it was obvious how loved he was. I have become a different person than I ever thought through my love for rescue, my loving husband and life in general that I've built. I hope that if something does happen that I'll have loved ones tell funny stories and talk about my good heart. It won't matter that I have a good job, nice home or decent cars. The time and effort I've put into myself to help others will hopefully shine.

I urge y'all to call that friend you haven't spoken to in years, reach out to your parents, try new opportunities that scare you and most of all be a decent human that brings a little something to this crazy world. We aren't all rescuers, but we all have the ability to make a difference.

My heart goes out to Sarah and her family during this difficult time. Although I don't have the words to share my deepest sympathies, I hope that her loss can be our gain as we seize our days.

Post Chemo

Chemo is done, now the scary stuff. I hate to admit it but I'm scared. The next steps are scarier to me than chemo. I am scared to lose my boobs, go through surgery, develop new scars and have to worry about more cancer for the rest of my life. I don't want new breasts, I like mine. The worst part is that I don't have to undergo a bilateral mastectomy, I'm choosing to.

I have never had such a big surgery, last year was my first surgery and it was scary to consider being under anesthesia for a couple of hours. This time, I'll be under for at least seven hours. I've completed a POA for my healthcare, and considered what needs to be in my will. My husband constantly worries about me and I try to tell him not to. Worrying doesn't help, but it's hard not to.

My anxiety and depression are getting worse, I've always suffered from both and take medication to keep them at bay. I wish that I could just push through some days when I wake up feeling unsure and sad. Luckily, I have an understanding workplace, friends and husband who let me have a sad day or two when I need them. I feel that I do pretty good most days, I'm positive and smile and laugh. I don't feel like I have cancer which helps.

What doesn't help is when chemo side effects are present, currently my nails all look bruised and I'm hoping they don't fall off. My arms and face feel burned, and my face is more red than usual. I keep getting hot flashes on my head and arms which will hopefully subside soon. It also never helps when people tell me about their friend/family member/coworker who died from cancer. Example- well meaning family member knew a coworker who was cleared from breast cancer but died three months later from brain cancer. How do you respond to that?! Again, well meaning, goal was for me to obtain more tests to determine if cancer is elsewhere.

I have found myself crying yesterday and today with no desire to leave my house. I don't mind being productive inside, but I don't want to deal with anyone or have to hold back my tears. As I've said before, I hate crying, but I also know that it's healthy. I'm going through a lot and if my body says slow down and cry, I'm listening. I just hope it doesn't take hold and last too long.

On a happy note, I can get my teeth cleaned and a pedicure in a couple of weeks. The condition of my nails will determine when this is possible but at least it's on the horizon. Something to smile about, :-D