Thankful

This Thanksgiving on Facebook, I listed ten things I'm thankful for: my husband, family, friends, home, job, stepsons, health, my Mom, rescue and my dogs. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel as though I should have a renewed zest for life. I should be getting healthy, focusing on a bucket list, identifying things I've always wanted to do and setting goals. In reality, I wish I had enough money to take time off for chemo. Not a huge goal, but something I wish I could do.

In general, I'm not a person that wants a whole lot but having cancer does make me wish I had gotten life insurance and cancer insurance if I could. I have been thinking of ways to be happier like finding a job that makes me want to get up everyday and do my best. I have thought this would be by becoming a veterinarian, running a rescue or working for an organization focused on the well being of pets. Perhaps this dream job is still the right path, but definitely not one to pursue during cancer.

I have this feeling that I should be working towards a goal or accomplishment. It's hard to describe, but having a goal to get through cancer isn't cutting it. Maybe my last six years getting my degrees has placed a weird need to be working towards something. Or, maybe I need a hobby that is self fulfilling but not too time consuming or with deadlines.

I'm going to think on this weird feeling and try to figure out what my head and heart want during this frustrating cancer process. Waiting every two weeks, soon to be weekly, to go to chemo and feel bad for a week just sucks. I can't make concrete plans with friends because I might have to cancel due to how I'm feeling and that alone is frustrating. I'm not able to commit to a board or other venture for the same reason and although I love staying home to watch movies, I'm used to being much busier with a calendar to look forward to.

I know everyone understands and I'm focusing on me, but it is still frustrating to feel as though I should/could be doing more. Maybe I'll look into getting my JD, or another Masters, or train to run a marathon. I'll update once I figure it out.

No Hair Randi

Today is the day I've been dreading...my hair fell out in clumps in the shower this morning. I was really counting on it not falling out until the seventh day after chemo and shaving my head on black Friday. Instead, three days after chemo, I pulled my hand away with a significant amount of hair no longer attached.

I yelled for my husband Chuck and he came rushing into the bathroom and told me it would be okay. He asked if today was head shaving day and I said yes. As I finished showering, avoiding touching my hair, he called my BFF Beth and the plan was made to head to Saturdays.

I am not a fussy woman meaning I don't wear makeup, fix my hair, etc. but I do enjoy earrings and pedicures. The loss of my hair put in perspective why so many women fight pretty during this BC war. Other than my earrings, I don't have any other girly thing to do. My hair is gone, I don't see me picking up makeup, but I will continue to paint my nails as long as I can. Fighting pretty now has a whole new meaning.

As the hairstylist turned me around to see my exposed head, Beth and Chuck were right beside me with encouragement and jokes. Just what I needed and wanted in that moment. Today isn't a sad day, its just another leg in this journey, another notch in my BC belt, another day to remember as I inch closer to the finish line.

#cancersucks #baldisbeautiful

I miss Rescue Randi

Since being diagnosed with BC, it has been difficult to make plans knowing I may have to break them due to how I'm feeling or medical appointments. I had planned to get back involved in rescue after I graduated with my MBA in September and joined the board of a non profit offering support to rescues and pet owners, http://www.ohioanimalcompanion.org/. The opportunity seemed like a good fit to ease back into being on a board but not too overwhelming.

I attended one board meeting, received one task, and failed at said task. Luckily, the board is extremely understanding and would like for me to join again after BC. I am appreciative of them and glad they still value my knowledge and experience but it makes me feel like a slacker not helping pets in some way.

I learned about rescue seven years ago when I saw a Craigslist ad for www.stopthesuffering.org needing a foster for a red chow. Being a chow owner and lover, Chuck and I agreed to try fostering, which led to volunteering, which led to transporting, completing home visits, crossposting and becoming a board member. A piece of my soul was finally found through rescue. Needless to say, we became foster failures and the red chow, Coco, is sleeping beside me.

Rescue is one of the most rewarding experiences and one of the most heartbreaking. I love finding the perfect home for a dog, one that truly feels like forever. However, I hate why that dog needs a forever home. Sometimes, the pets past is circumstance, they were lost, or their owner died. But, most of the time, they are abused, unloved, unwanted. The treatment of pets makes my heart cry most days, but the rescuers that step up to save them is what keeps my faith in humanity.

Once I'm back to Randi and able to wear my multiple hats, I look forward to transporting, rescuing, completing home visits, etc. For now I know I have to focus on me and help with rescue in other ways. Don't shop, adopt! Spaying and neutering saves lives! If you can't adopt, foster; if you can't volunteer, donate!

Talk to me

In the words of Annie Lennox, "Talk to me like lovers do", minus the lovers part. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and caring people and they don't want to talk to me about their issues because they feel bad since I have BC. Not true! I am still Randi, I'm still partly judgy and that friend that tells it to you straight, whether or not you want to hear it.

I want all of my village peeps to remember that I care for you as much as you care for me. At this moment, I'm winning the Murphy Award as my friend Carla says, but don't think I won't be passing this trophy along at some point. Please still tell me when you've had a bad day, are sick, worried about bills, spouses, pets, where the next great beer tasting will be.

I love y'all and am here to listen, comment and offer suggestions for what you're going through. BC sucks, but it doesn't mean I want to stop being a good friend. Always remember, if you don't want to tell me, you probably should.

Angry Randi

When I was younger, anger was my number one go to emotion. I am familiar with its fire and others knew not to get close to the flames. As I've grown older, anger and I have learned to co-exist as long distance friends,  when needed we are there for each other. I have had time to grow up, work on my patience, compassion and frustration.

I am proud that I've grown to be a kind hearted woman that doesn't live with anger as my BFF. This weekend however, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel the fire deep inside and have a valid reason to unleash the flames. BC is fucking stupid, why does it exist?! I'm not going to say why me, because I truly believe that I'm strong enough to handle the journey but I am angry that anyone has to start the journey at all. To date I haven't really cried over the diagnosis but this weekend a few tears were shed over hair.

My BFF Beth offered to have her stylist dye my hair fantastically fun colors to celebrate my hair, and the oncoming loss. I received approval from work, picked out blue, pink and purple as my colors and mentally prepared myself that I still have control over my fucking hair!! The night before the appointment, my husband suggested I make sure I could dye my hair on chemo. The thought never occurred to me that I couldn't.

As we read the internet, it became clear that dying my hair wasn't safe and would only speed up my upcoming hair loss. I was pissed... How dare BC take this simple task away. How dare chemo not only cause me to go into menopause and feel like shit; it had to take away fun hair! I know that there are so many other things to be angry about, but this was my proverbial straw. I realize that this was really me being angry I have BC, it sucks, it isn't fair, why me....

Instead of letting me rant and rave on Facebook, my friends found silver linings, alternatives and made suggestions on how to change my hair without dye. It was heartwarming to see so many village peeps working to cheer me up but really I just wanted to be angry. My husband and Beth both immediately understood, but I think they both also knew the real cause of my anger.

Thank you to everyone who stepped up with encouragement, options and general positivity. Although I just wanted to be angry, y'all wouldn't let me. Very few people can say they are surrounded on possibly their darkest journey by light.

Angry Randi is still inside and will come out a few times on this journey, its good to know that there are so many that won't let her stay.

Keep Positive

Positivity is one of my tools to use to get through BC and is also the number one recommendation from others to help fight this journey. I have so many wonderful people sending me positive thoughts, notes, and cards that it makes me feel that there is no room for negativity. The first words out of most mouths when they find out about BC, is STAY POSITIVE!!!

I have to wonder, what if I don't? What if I remain realistic, my norm, and just rely on y'alls positivity to flow through the journey. Would it work? Or, do the positive thoughts really mean nothing other than improving my positivity which is the key to the stubborn door?

I still feel that there's no reason to worry about BC despite the potential risks. For instance, today my oncologist called and we are back on the waiting train for bone cancer. The biopsy came back from the Mayo  Clinic inconclusive. I either have benign enchondroma or low grade sarcoma which is like stage 1 cancer. The west siders might have been right, or very wrong.

I now have to go see a specialist at OSU, damn you Charlene, for further testing. I assume this means more bruising, more missed work, more worry and the need for more positive thoughts. I am extremely thankful that so many people are thinking of me, but I do wonder what I would be facing if they were just thoughts, not positive.

My one breakdown involved black walnut whiskey, coworkers and a designated drive home by my husband. I suppose I'm only allowed to be negative in the comfort of my home otherwise I'll be bombarded with positivity. Maybe I need to schedule a negative day so people know ahead of time, negativity has its place if only to highlight the positive.

Week seven is coming to a close with another question, another car on the waiting train and another week of no whiskey.  Stupid cancer

This dude is dying

http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/11/asia/new-zealand-jake-bailey-cancer-speech/

Before you read my blog, listen to this brave young man's speech.

As someone diagnosed within the past two months with cancer, this obviously resonates. Heed this young man's words, life is what you make it. My cancer isn't near as aggressive but still makes me stop and think. Reach out to loved ones, lost ones, lonely ones... Let your actions be a testament to who you are, not who you want to be. I am proud of my personal journey so far, I've made mistakes, but truly have few regrets. I would take some do overs, but overall my path has led me to the awesome person y'all know and love.

It still doesn't feel like I have cancer. I know I do on paper, and I have started chemo treatments but its still surreal. Listening to this speech made me pause... what do other people do when they learn? I was lucky to find out with my husband and best friend at my side, how many find out alone? Is learning you have three weeks compared to the unknown really that much different? I am 100% committed to beating BC and have the resources to do it (e.g. the husband and BFF mentioned, Randi's Village, a good job, health insurance, etc.).

I just texted my BFF that I plan to lose my hair in a couple weeks, would she want to dye her hair pink with me. It's weird... I'm planning to lose my hair. Very few people have the opportunity to do that. In talking openly about my journey, I hope that others will feel comfort that I'm doing okay, that others with cancer or survivors will find some humor and that overall I find some solace sharing.

As week seven continues, let's all remember that for now, the sun is going to shine tomorrow and I'm going to be here to enjoy it; except I live in Ohio.....

Dude, I'm not dying...

It never occurred to me that BC may kill me. It just never seemed like an option. I'm not sure if this is because I'm too awesome to let BC be the thing that takes me out or if I just decided internally, it's 2015, BC is completely curable. BC is so common anymore, someone knows an aunt, mom, friend, niece of a friend, etc. that has overcome BC except for me, and my friends.

As my BC is coming out, I'm learning that coworkers, peers and extended family of others have been through the many stages of BC. I can only think of my friends mom as the one person I knew, but I did not know her mom well and definitely wasn't in the fight with them. How weird that learning I have BC has opened these other doors to souls and voices I never heard talking before. It's like when I bought my Escape and suddenly there were all of these other Escapes on the road, you know what I mean.

My good friend's mother in law is a true fighter in the BC war and has gone through her journey with strength, faith and love. It didn't hit me til right now that she, could be me.  WTF yo?! I envision my journey as a long one but more than doable, then a peep will tell me I'll get through this. Of fucking course I'm getting through this, I seriously never considered otherwise. Is that weird?!

My husband was like, honey you're putting poison into your body on purpose for many months.... Again, chemo just seemed normal, not normal normal, but a term that is heard in conversation and not really considered.

As I start week 7 of the BC Journey, I am often reminded that this is a treacherous road with laughs at every turn, tears as we cross the hills and love as I work towards the finish line.

Tired.....

Thursday was my first chemo day and it went well minus a little nausea that night. Friday was literally one of the hardest days to wake up because I was soooooo tired but I'm proud of myself for making it through. I had my injection after work to increase my white blood cells since some are lost due to chemo. I was in bed, like a boss, at 817 p.m.

Saturday, I expected to be tired but not near as drained as I was. My loving husband was concerned about how much I was sleeping and concerned I wouldn't eat so he woke me a few times but it was out of love... Note to self, his love needs to stop interrupting my sleep.

Our good friends Cat and her husband Danny stopped by to help clean, give hugs, gifts and in general see how we were. You know you're good friends when a dirty house doesn't phase either party! I woke up at 330 p.m. to hang with them and eat then back to bed at 8 something. A productive day for my husband, a glimpse into my near future for me.

Sunday was a little better, up around 8 a.m., but still took a pretty long nap after. I feel like I have the flu, achy, tired, neck hurts, etc. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow so I can work at a decent pace.

In the words of Lili Von Shtupp..."I'm tired..."
(If you don't recognize this quote, go watch Blazing Saddles ASAP)

Chemo Log 1st Treatment

My first chemo appointment is today; I have mixed emotions, fear, anxiety, happiness to really start kicking cancers ass.... My husband shared an article from a woman with stage IV about what to expect on day 1 of chemo. Overall, the day wasn't long, she made it sound pretty easy and very boring. My imagination tells me that I will be sitting in a chair with a tube attached to my port covered in a blanket watching Netflix next to Chuck.

In a few minutes, I will learn if this is true and its kind of scary. What's not scary is that I don't have bone cancer!!! The spot on my leg definitely shouldn't be there, but it isn't cancerous. My body decided that a benign bone growth needed to happen so it made it so. The sample has been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion but I'm not concerned, although my pathology was completed on the west side of Cbus, I'm sure they got it right.

I am sick of waiting, waiting, waiting... I have had to wait for results, doctors and now to get back for chemo. I've been here an hour and successfully saw my oncologist and now I'm in the waiting area for infusion. I am the youngest person here by decades which is weird because it feels as though I hear about all ages having cancer. Maybe they are all at the James like Charlene says. (If you don't know about Charlene, let me know).

I'll follow up this blog with my actual experience, for now I'll keep waiting...

I'm almost done with my first treatment. Very underwhelming. I sit in a recliner in a big room with half walls separating our little areas with Chuck sitting next to me (his chair isn't near as comfy). I have a new chemo blanket made by a prior patient with love; she makes some every few months for new chemo patients. The nurse, Denise, is very nice and focuses on cleanliness to reduce chance of infection. I arrived at noon and its going on 3, nearly done. I will definitely bring some snacks next time and maybe my heating pad. This has been a good first visit, first stop on the five to six month long chemo train...

The good, the bad and the ugly

The Good- My coworkers, family and friends are AMAZING!!! My Care Calendar is full of those willing to drive me to appointments, Rally for Randi is off the ground and scheduled, fabulous peeps are donating to the rally and my gofundme, my coworkers gave me a huge care package last week, my Aunt Julie mailed me a care package.... I just have no intelligent words to express my emotions of gratitude, appreciation and love for everyone.

If cancer has done anything, its brought me closer to some wonderful people and forced my stubborn self to accept the help and love that is being offered.

I cut my hair last Saturday, and it looks awesome! I have been scared to cut it short for so many years and turns out my curls like being short!

The Bad- My port was placed today, and it hurts. Apparently cutting a hole above your clavicle is painful! I am seriously tired, way more than usual, and concerned about my tired level once chemo starts.

I'm still worried about money and missing work, but my health comes first. Hopefully it will all work out.

The Ugly- I may have bone cancer... The MRI results came back and my liver is fine (very surprising given my 20's) but my left knee is very worrisome per my oncologist. I'm scheduled for a bone biopsy tomorrow and need the results to be ready before my first chemo treatment. Like everything else, I'm trying not to worry, but I'm worried.

I can't change the name of my blog if needed, but I will say I have BBC if my biopsy is positive. I'm really tired of waiting for results, that's one of the hardest parts of my journey. So many issues come to mind when you're waiting... If I have bone and breast cancer will I have to do radiation, will they need to remove tumors from my knee, is it invasive, how the hell are the two connected?!

As week six starts, yet again, I'll be waiting by my phone hoping for good news and trying not to worry about the unknown. I will continue to shake my head because my hair feels cool and I will work to stay positive no matter how hard it feels sometimes.

Thanks to everyone who has me in their prayers and thoughts, part of a prayer chain and anything else y'all are doing to help me fight through this journey.

In times of sadness, let's all remember that T-Rex is unable to tie her shoes....