Who is more uncomfortable about my BC?

I attended a conference today for work and assumed most people didn't know about my BC so I intended not to talk about it. I'm the chair of a committee and when we met, I realized I may not be in attendance at the next meeting in a few months so I casually let them know I have BC and wasn't sure how I'd be feeling. It's uncomfortable for me because I don't want to make a big deal, but how do my associates feel?

They laughed a little and kept going with the conversation and we unofficially identified a vice chair to serve in my absence. Once we finished committee business, the new "vice chair" said she was sorry and that I was too young for this shit. I agreed and quickly explained that it came out of nowhere, I start chemo next week and this led to discussing benefits at my employer and if they were good. I gave her my blog info and was appreciative that she cared to ask questions, obviously we aren't close and have only met a handful of times, but how thoughtful for her to start the conversation.

Another associate at the conference asked how I was doing and that he'd seen on Facebook what was going on, nothing more needed to be said. I had a really good talk with another colleague who asked questions and didn't seem that uncomfortable. It was nice to talk to someone I know a little better and not feel that uncomfortable weight for either of us.

As I drove home this evening, I wondered if my non chalant attitude disturbs people, makes them uncomfortable or gives them an out to not discuss it if they don't want to. BC is a huge issue in my life now and dominates most of my thoughts; I am sure most people wish I never mentioned it but I'm not sure who they are.

There are other people who I believe would want to know, but in the professional world, how do I determine who's who? I would love to send an email to those I work closely with, and have for several years, if anything as an FYI. I would hate to be the last to find out someone I knew and worked with was going through a similar situation from another party. However, the question then becomes, would they feel obligated to contact me, send me well wishes, etc.? Or would I have made the right choice so it isn't awkward when we are in a meeting without my hair and going through chemo.

As I ponder the options, I also wonder who else is going through their own difficult journey that I know nothing about....

Benefits, gift cards and my village people

I need a word better than overwhelmed... I am so grateful and moved by the love, compassion, generosity and many other feels that I've encountered since announcing my BC. How can I thank so many wonderful people?!

I am a card giver and thank you note mailer but neither seems sufficient to adequately thank all of the people who are apart of my ever growing village. Chuck and I feel so uncomfortable with people focusing on us and offering to help in ways we would have never thought of but this feeling comes out of not knowing how to say thank you in the best possible way.

My friends are throwing a benefit for me, Rally for Randi, Hakuna Ma Tatas!!!! It will be Saturday, December 12th starting at noon at my friends bar, Triple Shotz (https://m.facebook.com/pages/Triple-Shotz-Cajun-Island-Cafe/629319480556877) at 2700 Brice Rd in Reynoldsburg, Ohio. I am so excited to thank all of my supporters and friends personally!!!  This is a wonderful idea, thought, gesture...

This week marks week five in my journey and I have already received donations, cards, flowers, hugs, tears, lunch, offers of gift cards during treatment and love from people I know and those that have gotten closer. This post is to thank all of y'all, to let you know what you mean to me and how you've inspired me to be happy and thankful despite BC.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” –GK Chesteron

Short Hairstyle

I've decided to take my husband's advice and cut my hair short before my first chemo appointment and donate my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (http://pantene.com/en-us/brandexperience/make-the-cut). A few friends are going to join me and assist in identifying a new style that will make me feel pretty but won't be so devastating when my hair starts falling out.  The more I've been reading women's stories and understanding the likeliness that I'll lose my hair the more concerned I am that chunks will start falling out with my current long hair and I'll kind of lose it aka wig out, LOL.

Luckily, I don't have any grey hair and it isn't dyed so it's perfect for donating and well over the required 8". The hair is used to make wigs for the American Cancer Society to help women as they lose hair to help them continue feeling beautiful. I am getting fitted for a wig on Friday but I won't be sure if I want one until the time comes.  I am so lucky to have friends who have offered to buy me a wig, offered resources of where to obtain a wig and those that have offered me wigs from other strong women that survived breast cancer.

I'm scheduled to cut my hair this coming Saturday, Halloween, and am excited and anxious with this new path of beauty.  I'm hoping that my eyebrows and eyelashes don't fall out, this isn't as common as the hair on your head loss, but it does happen to some women.  I don't wear makeup, if I lose my facial hair, I will have to learn makeup!!  I don't want to walk around without eyelashes and eyebrows, that just sounds awful. I'd be okay if I lose hair from stomach down, no more shaving, WOOHOO!! There are few advantages to BC, but this may be one of them.

I just spoke with my Mom on the phone, she's back in the Dallas area, and I miss her.  I wish she was here to help me and Chuck as we go through this journey.  She is so proud of my wonderful friends and glad that we have so much love over a thousand miles away to help us with support, driving, etc. It's always great talking to her, we are able to support each other and discuss our frustrations, concerns, wins and losses. I know that she misses me and knows that I love her, don't cry if you read this Mom!!

As another new week starts, I will be happy to almost be done with going to the hospital minus a few visits this week, and focus on starting chemo next week.  For those of you thinking, Randi it's just hair, it will grow back.... please know that I know this but it's just going to be awhile before that's relevant.

Chemo, wigs and ports

This week was another exciting adventure! I learned that I do not have cancer in my left breast or ovaries, uterus, etc. However, I did learn I need an MRI for my broken fibula, its not a torn meniscus as previously thought, and an MRI for my liver lesion (or pooling of blood or whatever is going on).

Our assumption is that neither is cancer related but cancer needs to be ruled out just in case. I will be starting chemo Nov 5th and will have injections the day after chemo for eight weeks then chemo every week for twelve weeks then an injection for the rest of the year.

How will I be receiving all of these fabulous chemicals?! Via a port installed in my chest, how fun does that sound?! At the same time I'll be losing my hair, sounds like nearly a guarantee, going through menopause, have flushed skin (to compliment my already red complexion), battling nausea and being more tired than usual. (Yes, that can really happen).

Insurance won't cover a wig but I'm still going for a fitting so I know my options. The many beautiful people who are donating to my Gofundme will be participating in funding my wig/scarf/hairpiece and I couldn't be more grateful. I currently have beautiful long brownish hair that I just throw into a clip/ponytail holder, but soon I'll have choices to color coordinate my head. That's a plus!!!!

My friends are amazing and waiting for our care calendar to become available so they can sign up for times to drive me to chemo, or getting my port installed or my haircut. I've decided that my husband is right, it will be easier to lose small amounts of hair compared to long chunks so pixie haircut here I come!!!

If you'd like to donate to help me when I have to take unpaid leave, like this past week, or cover items not covered by insurance I will be forever be grateful. This journey has many paths and I don't know which path I'm going down until it starts...

https://www.gofundme.com/4q6p7ucx

Throw it on the ground!

Whiskey is dangerous.... I love craft beer and have become a fan of whiskey but I fear whiskey isn't for me. My fabulous coworkers took me out to celebrate, me! It was so thoughtful and great, but I can't drink like I use to and totally made an ass out of myself.

Based on my husband's retelling of the evening, I threw the items from my table on the ground Lonely Island style! My angry self decided that cancer sucks and so does Randi when she realizes that she has cancer.

I am super strong and hate to cry so its difficult when others want to talk about what I'm going through because on whiskey I apparently let all of my guards down and get angry. Imagine a brown hair eyeglass wearing conservative dressing woman losing it around coworkers at a bar around the corner from work.... Not pretty but I feel last night was necessary for me.

Dr Lilly called with the good news that I don't have cancer anywhere else but I definitely need an MRI of my left knee and liver. Looks like I did something to my fibula and there is blood or liquid hanging out in my liver. Speaker phone is amazing, when you're too drunk to talk or listen, your doctor can give the news to you and your husband. Chuck texted me the phone call results because he knew I'd have no idea. I'm so lucky to have a husband that picks me up, listens to my doctor and explains to me what's happening in my world.

I don't see me drinking in excess any time soon but its good to know that my friends are always there to keep me safe, allow me to throw what I want on the ground and call my husband when needed...

It's too early in my journey to be this tired

I'm tired.... Today I had a CT scan completed of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and a bone scan. The bone scan worried me because they spent longer looking at my pelvis than they thought they would. When I left, I was tired and overwhelmed and just wanted to go home but I knew I had to "adult" and go to work.

I'm worried about paying our bills with me taking unpaid leave for appointments and leave to gather myself together. Chuck and I have had many challenges during our seven year marriage and we have always made it through financially but this time I'm really worried.

Luckily, my husband and job are both extremely supportive of me taking care of me and have faith that everything else will work out. That has been my personal mantra for years, but usually I'm the one working to make it work, not the one causing the issue.

I chose to come home and take a much needed nap to regroup and re-energize and missed a phone call from central scheduling at the hospital. What are they scheduling now?! I thought I had everything scheduled, guess I'll find out tomorrow. Supposedly, today's test results will be ready for my doctor tomorrow. Fingers crossed that nothing new was discovered today.

As this week continues, I need to remember that crying is okay, friends are available to talk and T-Rex can't give hugs...

Genetics and removing body parts

Today I went with my BFF Beth to genetics testing. I expected them to swab my cheek and tell me what the results would mean and leave. I was surprised to find out the appointment would take 60-90 minutes.

When I arrived my counselor began explaining about genes and how some have been linked to cancers. She made a family tree and I quickly realized I wasn't prepared for this line of questioning. I was very lucky to be adopted by my Dad when he married my Mom so I have never met my biological sperm donor making half of my tree a question mark.

As we began discussing my mom's family I realized I have no idea how many cousins I have, if any of them have medical issues or if my aunts and uncles suffer from cancers or diseases. I have zero idea about my Mom's dads family and little to no info on her mom's family. To assist, I called my Mom for assistance. She answered the phone in a rush trying to feed her pack of fluffies and called me back. You learn real quick how much I am my Mom's daughter when she's on the phone saying a curse word while yelling at a dog or two and working to remember information.

She knew how many cousins I have, medical issues related to her siblings (down to the number of colon polyps her sisters have had) but it got iffy when we went further up the proverbial tree.... Babcia (Polish for grandmother) had uterine and colon cancer which eventually put her in a coma and her siblings all passed from colon cancer.

What age did these great aunts and uncles pass away, no idea; did they have any kids, no idea; is there anyone alive to ask, no idea. At this point the counselor realized we had colon and uterine cancer to discuss and to her surprise my cancer polyps and breast cancer.

There are multiple genes that I could be positive for, currently they are betting I have Lynch Syndrome or BRCA 1 or 2. If I am positive for any of the genes listed, it pretty much means I have more information to determine if I remove ovaries, my uterus, get a complete hysterectomy or remove both breasts. Since I've opted for chemo, these results really won't matter until next year.

In a nutshell, it was an interesting visit and the least invasive but not really helpful for me at this time. The visit does prompt me to recommend that others find out their family medical history's and to determine if my mom, sister and the rest of the family need to be tested for the same genes I may have.

I'll let y'all know which body parts may be leaving once I learn the results. For now, I'll continue hoping that the main parts that make me female remain a little longer.....

Randi's cancer takes a village

I understand the need to ask for help, the importance of relying on loved ones to get through difficult times and I hate it. Perhaps it's pride, or stubbornness, or plain old embarrassment that I can't do everything I want to do when I want to do it because I'm weak in other areas.

Regardless of the reason, my independence is going to the side as the BC journey begins. I have had so many wonderful people offer to help in anyway, many whom I'm not particularly close to but know that they have good, true hearts. I have had offers to take me to appointments, sit with me at the hospital, get out of the house when needed, have home cooked meals, suggestions of different oils and therapies to use.

The use of Randi's village began last week when my husband and all time awesome best friend Beth sat with me waiting for the news to determine if I have cancer. As appointments began, they have both taken me or are taking me this week. I've had rescue peeps contact me offering to sit at appointments on their day off.

I'm only two weeks, going onto three, into the first leg and today I realized I need help getting Nate to school this week. I'm going to be scrambling to make my hours at work with at least 12 hours of testing during my workday. Luckily my BFF is willing and able to take him to school, this is a huge weight off of our shoulders.

I think as I continue to reduce my stubbornness, let go of some pride and realize embarrassment is silly; I will feel more comfortable accepting the help that is being offered. For those that are in my village, or looking to join, registration is free, payment is my awesomeness and time involved varies. I'm thinking of making some shirts, "Member of Randi's Village" on the front, T-Rex on the back working to tie a pink ribbon....

Nate, I have cancer

Kids constantly amaze and surprise with their understanding and love. My youngest stepson, Nate, is 11 and has been in my life for over 8 years. He is smart, funny, compassionate and an all around great kid. We have him every other week and he came over today to start our week.

We had dinner, watched a little of The Penguins movie and then had the BC talk. I wanted to tell him in person and answer any questions. Nate has heard of cancer before and knew several different kinds but not what cancer is. Chuck explained about the cells, my intended treatment and that it isn't contagious or his fault.

Nate knew BC is bad but there were no tears or questions. Columbus Monthly has an article on BC this month, October, BC awareness month. Nate flipped through the article and began eating a Slim Jim. As he chewed he said he wished the Slim Jim was cancer so he could eat it away. I told him to let us know if he has questions and that I may be sick over the next few months.

The BC talk went better than most of my friends when they found out. My oldest stepson, Ben, found out via Facebook and hasn't known what to say so we haven't talked. It's so weird telling my stepson that I feel fine but will be most likely sick over the next few months in order to feel better. It's also strange talking about breasts, or the removal of them, with an 11 year old.

I assume Nate will process and ask questions later. For now he's happily playing the WiiU..... If only I could do the same.

It hit me today....

I hate crying, a lot. I don't like the overwhelming feeling of emotions or the way crying gives you a headache and makes your nose run. Since Monday when BC was confirmed it hasn't felt real that this is a huge problem and truly life changing.

Yesterday's visit with Dr Lilly was exhausting. I have potential cancer in other places and next week is full of tests that I've never had. I'm still waiting to hear from the oncologist's office to schedule my consult. It's weird thinking I can't schedule my next few months because chemo might knock me down for a few. I'm going to be a chemo patient within a month of my mammogram, that's just crazy.

I had an overwhelming moment today at lunch thinking about all my testing and potential future. I took two Xanax to work through the start of a panic attack and tried to keep smiling. By the time I returned to the office I needed a break and a couple of hugs, luckily my coworkers kick ass and recognized the need. I hugged two great people and took a needed walk to get a caramel macchiato, it really helped.

As next week starts and my at least 12 hours of testing starts, I will continue to remind myself that a walk, laugh, hug or a moment are needed to get through this.

I am looking forward to my weekend, bad movies, good food and being surrounded by my husband and good friend are just what I need to start to process this first leg of the journey.

Dude, I have BC

It finally hit me today, Thursday, Oct 15, 2015; I have breast cancer. I met with my surgeon, Dr Lilly, and I have stage 2a on my right breast and potential cancer was found in my left breast after last night's MRI. WTF?!!! I now have cancer in both breasts?! The treatment plan is to start chemo ASAP, I'll be meeting an oncologist next week. I'm triple positive in my right breast and the cell type is invasive ductal carcinoma. This means, in my laymans terms, that I have cancer that digs growing bigger and NO estrogen for me.

As of tonight, no more birth control and I am now worried about getting uterine or ovarian cancer. The good news is we are considering removal of my tubes and ovaries which means NO MORE PERIODS.... The crowd goes wild!!!

I will be doing genetic testing on Monday to determine how susceptible I am to multiple cancers. The remainder of the week will consist of meeting with an oncologist, echo cardiogram, CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis, bone scan and ultrasound with biopsy of my left breast possibly followed by an MRI with biopsy.

Don't be jealous of my week! I also get to wrap my mind around no breasts. Even if the left breast is negative, my age and type of cancer points to a very strong likeliness of cancer in the future. The bright side is that I can hopefully do reconstruction at the same time as the double mastectomy and choose my breast size (within reason, sorry Chuck, no GG's).

Good news, I should only have to worry about FMLA the next few months due to BC. I can worry about disability next year when we discuss surgery. I am beyond lucky to have such supportive friends, family, coworkers and FB peeps. My husband is my main supporter, best friend and Love; I can't imagine going through this without him. I'm not as worried about my emotional state as I am my physical. I am looking forward to naps, losing weight and getting in shape as I work to throat punch this cancer and any others that come my way.

BC diagnosis

As a 36 year old woman with no family history of breast cancer, (hereafter referred to as BC), it never occurred to me to be concerned about going for a mammogram. My ob/gyn said it was an option if I wanted to do a baseline and my insurance confirmed that a mammo would be covered. So, on Sept 30, 2015, I spent a half hour being squeezed and squashed in a 3D mammo machine with every expectation of not returning for at least four years.

The following day, I received a phone call with concern that calcification was found in my mammo and a follow up diagnostic mammo and ultrasound were requested. I was told this was normal for baseline mammo's and that rarely was it to be a concern.

The following Tuesday, Oct 6, 2015, I found myself talking to two radiologists concerned about an abnormal mass and abnormal mass in the abnormal calcification. I was directed to contact a surgeon, and Dr Lilly was able to get me in that day. He was very professional and during the breast exam didn't notice anything extraordinary but was concerned about the films and results he had reviewed.

That Thursday, Oct 8, 2015, I found myself receiving another ultrasound that found another mass in my lymph node. Three biopsies occurred resulting in 21 samples and the waiting began.... The holiday weekend seemed to never end waiting for a phone call from Dr Lilly identifying if I had cancer or not. The call finally came after his long day in surgery at 6 p.m. Mon, Oct 13, 2015, and my loving and supportive husband and best friend were in the car to hear on speaker that both masses were cancerous but not the lymph node. (Yes, I totally saved the number he called from, I think it's his cell phone).

What a shock.... No obvious lumps, bumps or masses; no family history other than colon cancer and a lucky mammogram that was covered by insurance. The next waiting started to determine the type and stage. My MRI was tonight, Thurs, Oct 14, 2015 and I find out tomorrow what I'm up against. Monday I go for genetic testing to determine how susceptible I am to BC and what chemo is right for me. These past two weeks have been a whirlwind.

Chuck, my husband, and I are trying to be prepared while not over preparing. What type of leave are we eligible for, how are we going to financially cover the periods of work not covered, how do I tell my 11 year old stepson? How do I not over use the BC excuse to get out of doing stuff I don't want to do?