Bananas per JBo

I've made the decision to quit my job so I can just be . . I'm going to travel, enjoy life, visit friends and family, check out some places I've never been, and open myself to new opportunities. I've been considering this leap for a few months. Although my job is fabulous in regards to pay and benefits, my soul needs a break. I've slept amazing since making this decision. My friends and family are mostly supportive, if anything they are happy that I'm happy.
I plan to be off for a few months and explore options that I've never considered previously. Consider places I could live and start fresh. I'm divorced, no kids, 4 dogs, hold a few degrees, solid work history, great references, and more important than anything, the support and love of those close to me. I've been working since I was 15, for the first time, I'm going to be off the work leash, focusing on me, my well being, mental health, and reflecting on who I am after the past few years.
I'm more than a breast cancer survivor, but I'm also a breast cancer survivor. I recognize that this decision isn't for everyone. I'll be pulling from my retirement to pay down debt incurred during my marriage, and funding my new adventures. I recognize that building those funds back up will be a challenge, but I also know I'm here today. I feel good about my decision, it's the right time to explore, feel, and enjoy life. I'll return to the work force, but I'm hoping to return in a different capacity. I'm going to look at jobs I would have never considered; once you're at the City, it's difficult to leave which is why I'm leaving now on a good note. No bridges are being burned, friendships will remain intact, Randi will get back to Randi.
If any of you are having heart palpitations, take a deep breath, and remember this is about me and my choices. This is the right decision for me. It's okay to be excited, worried, and scared for me. I appreciate all advice, job referrals, hugs, high fives, and pearls of wisdom. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have such a kick-ass support system.
Yes, I'll blog during my journey. Yes, y'all will know where I am. Yes, I'll be smart about my adventure, I'll check in, use my money wisely, and remember that timelines are important. Setting deadlines is necessary. I really have thought about this, I am ready for what's next for Randi L. Arnett.
In the words of JBo.... This is bananas!

It's lonely out here among the stars....

I am of the true belief that each of us changed the trajectory of the universe the day we were born. The stars were in a specific order the day we graced the world; the ocean tides were ebbing and flowing just for us that day. I don't know if I believe in fate, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I got cancer so another person wouldn't. I married my ex husband to help us both become better people. I work for my employer because it turns out, I'm very good at my job.

However, I don't know that I believe in true love, or love at first sight, or that there are pre determined people born to be our true love. Love is so all encompassing, it transcends physical attraction towards mutual respect, status, want of children, need for escape. I have been lucky to have met some wonderful men, and unlucky in having met some awful men. I'm an independent woman who appreciates her ability to survive on her own, with her own job, home, car, sense of self worth... I don't need, nor do I desire, a partner to make my life complete. I don't need a man to greet the sun each day, nor say good night to the moon each night.

In saying this, it's nice to wake up next to someone you're excited to talk to. It's exciting to roll over and see a smile meant just for you. I miss coming home to someone who wants to see me as much as I want to see them; bursting at the seams to explain our day, daydreaming of talking to each other about Facebook, emails, phone calls, text messages. I'm also realistic that I would like to start with a dinner, a cup of coffee, a movie, a show. I'd like a guy to respond to a message from an online dating app, to say, "Hello", at the local store with a look of intrigue, and no ring on his finger.

Obviously, I've been officially single more than six months. I've been seeking a partner to do stuff with; I've been hoping for a decent, fun loving guy to want more than sex. I am on multiple online dating sites including Tinder, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and FarmersOnly. I've paid for eHarmony, Zoosk, and Match. What have I learned? Everyone wants sex, everyone is interested in blowjobs, everyone says they want to date, meet a person, until a single female messages wanting the same things. I've never met so many men solely interested in literally one thing. I've never met so many men who are cruel, negatively inquiring, crude, truly awful creatures.

My foray into the dating world in my late 30's is the most disappointing journey I've ever been on. My lackluster approach moving forward is purely due to experience. If anyone knows a good guy, who I would realistically be attracted to, let me know. I know that you find someone when you quit looking. I just want a person to have fun with, more than once, more than one date.

The purpose of this post is that I'm lonely, not just for a partner to kiss and more.... I'm lonely for friends, companionship. I have amazing friends, they are supportive, loving, and kick-ass people. However, they are parents and spouses. They aren't available for a movie during the week, a comedy show on a Saturday night, or a walk on the Columbus Ale Trail. I am tired of lonely lunches, tickets for one, smiles that don't reach my eyes when I confirm I'm alone anywhere.

The universe changed the day I was born... Lives were forever affected...if only I could not feel so alone despite technology, friendship, and how awesome I am.

If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding

For me, meat is my meds and pudding is getting through life. I take 7 pills a day, an estrogen blocker to ensure my cancer is not fed, a baby aspirin to prevent other cancers due to my genetic predisposition to other cancers, a multi vitamin, a pill for night sweats, a pill for depression and anxiety, and a pill to control my thyroid. Lately, I am lacking in the area of taking most of these pills. Currently, I'm out of my depression/anxiety and my thyroid medication.

I have been making some poor choices; some professional, some personal. I am a pretty self aware person and recognize I've been making these choices, but haven't been focusing on making different choices. This week, I realized part of my issue is I haven't been eating my meat. I haven't kept up on my prescriptions and as much as it angers me, I need them to survive. I literally can't go through life without them; they keep me sane, able to make better choices, able to feel better about myself, others, everything.

I hate taking medicine, I will wait until a headache is so bad it affects me in other ways before I'll take Ibuprofen. I'm 38, as of last Monday, and it pisses me off to be so reliant on drugs; but at the end of the day, it just doesn't matter how I feel. I need to suck it up, grow up, and fill my pill box every two weeks like clockwork. I can't explain away everything on missing some of my pills, but I can attest that they sure as hell contribute.

I have 3 medications that have been added to my regimen due to cancer. It fucking sucks to take these pills, morning and/or night, each swallow again reminds me I can't go back. However, I need to start looking forward, I need to start remembering that new opportunities will also come out of cancer, it isn't all doom and gloom. I'm trying to find these opportunities as often as possible, I'm working to pull myself up by my bootstraps and march forward, looking forward to my pudding.

I feel pretty, oh so pretty...

I can't identify the last time I felt pretty, let alone beautiful. I wear dresses five days a week because I truly enjoy them and they make me feel pretty... until I look in a mirror and see this short hair, these scars on my legs, bruises that constantly seem to appear and this smile that never reaches my eyes. I felt prettier bald last year, my disease was in plain view.

There was no question why my pale, bald head was on display. No concern that I bruised and scarred easily, it was due to chemo. Strangers didn't judge me for my appearance; I received questioning and pitiful looks but no looks of disgust. I have never felt as unattractive as I have in 2017. I have never felt such an urge to explain why I look like I look.

From the hair to the legs to the unexplained bruising; the resting bitch face, look of sadness; the stomach, belly button, breasts and both sides of my chest. I had a guy look at my stomach scar this year in utter disgust and immediately want to get as far from me as possible. I have been told by at least one guy that he would never date a woman without nipples.

The sight of me naked disgusts me; my scars are so vibrant, so in your face... My once attractive legs are now only attractive from the back. My once voluptuous body is now a constant reminder that I can never go back. I can't exercise enough, can't have enough surgeries to improve this body known as mine.

Prior to intimacy, there now has to be a conversation; an explanation of what to expect under this dress. I have to hope that the opposite sex will somehow look past the obvious imperfections, in addition to the normal ones (stretch marks, extra weight, prior scars received previous to cancer).

I truly didn't expect, or consider the possibility of being treated the way I've been treated this year by men.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...most of the time, the eye is blue, behind a pair of glasses, with a prescription registered to Randi L. Arnett.