Yesterday, during movie previews, a preview came on that made me teary eyed. I sat in the theater in near darkness, with tears running down my face, the movie is Thank You For Your Service, it comes out fall 2017. No, I don't have PTSD, I am lucky to have never endured an event or events to cause this diagnosis. I was married to a man who served in the Army for nearly two decades, and he has PTSD. We went through it together in the beginning of our relationship, and there were scary moments, sad moments, moments that don't have a name. This movie made me remember that my ex-husband and I had a lot of moments that helped define both of us. I remembered the times he saw dead soldiers in his sleep and had conversations, I remembered when he would lay on top of me to protect me from whatever he thought was breaking down our door, or doors. I thought about the times that he cried so hard because he hated how he felt, he was so scared of what he would do in his sleep, when he wasn't conscious. He has often told me that I helped make him a better person, he's grown and changed into the man he is because of our relationship.
I feel that I failed him sometimes by ending our marriage, that I walked away from a person who knows me better than almost anyone. Although we are better off friends, I will always feel that I understand PTSD better than the person sitting next to me. Than the audience that will sit watching Thank You For Your Service. This is a short blog, but the purpose of a blog is to share your thoughts, experiences, and words that flow from your fingertips. I'm not even sure why I felt the need to post this one, but that feeling yesterday in the old theater in Abilene brought back memories.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Sisters
Sisters, sisters... There were never such devoted sisters. I have two sisters, an older and a younger. My older sister is living her life in Dayton and my younger sister lives with me. Having sisters is a blessing, and a curse. We aren't typical sisters.... same father, different mothers, age differences, distance, differing personalities, you know sister stuff. I am not the best sister, I get angry, frustrated, I don't communicate effectively, or sometimes at all. I've gotten so used to my best friends being my sisters that I forget I have real ones. I don't let them know when I'm in the ER, meet someone new, have an amazing day, or an awful day. They normally find out on Facebook. Lately, it's been difficult to talk to my youngest sister, she drives me insane and raises an anger I haven't felt in years. She's often afraid to talk to me, which makes me feel fucking awful.
I am not emotional, hate tears, hate talking about feelings, terribly hate discussing my past, what makes me ache, hurts my heart, makes me feel. My younger sister is the opposite, she is sensitive, emotional, so much like our mother. I don't know how to handle her sometimes, I don't know how to relate. She feels I'm being mean to her, and I feel that she's too sensitive. She thinks I'm a cruel person who curses too much, is too honest, too up front. I think she's too easy to get hurt. Together we are fire and ice, I'm honestly not sure which is which sometimes. It's frustrating to live with a person whom you love, and have been through a lot with (our childhood had some downs). I know that she holds a lot of our past over my head, I hold how she feels over her head.
I keep hoping we are going to have a great day, then we start out great, but by the end of the day, you'd think world war three was about to start. You'd think my face couldn't get any redder, her voice couldn't get any quieter. I was hoping that we being together, in my home, would bring us close. We haven't lived under the same roof for 20 years. I left home early, had an entire life that she wasn't apart of; she did the same. I'm still hopeful that after a year, we will work through our anger, our love, our uncomfortableness. I really think that every day we are getting better, until another road block comes up. At the end of the day, I'm appreciative of her. I'm glad she's my sister. No matter how much she makes me pull out what hair, that I'm proud to have earned after chemo..... She's my sister. We have a past, but we also have a future. I can never express to her how much she means to me, I can't say the words she needs to hear to know that I don't hate her. I hope that she reads this blog and knows that I care about her. She means a lot in my life, I am unable to thank her enough for supporting my journey even when it annoys her. She wants to live her own life, and to be truthful, is a little jealous that I'm living mine.
Thank you Alta for watching my fluffies, Pepper who bites and pees and poops wherever he wants because he's a dick; Gracie Mae who craves human comfort; Hazelnut who can't drink, she somehow gets water on her tail; and Coco who eats when she wants. Thank you for caring for our home, it's my house, but our home. Each of us adds to its feeling, I don't know if we can live together forever, but I wouldn't have been able to take this adventure without you. I couldn't take this next step without knowing that even though you get so frustrated with me and are selfish at times, you still care. I can't make this journey alone; I have my sister, my Mom, my ex-husband, best friend, friends, Facebook friends, and everyone reading this blog, liking my posts, reaching out on LinkedIn.
Thank you to my supporters.... my life is kickass, but it wouldn't be without my village. Love y'all
I am not emotional, hate tears, hate talking about feelings, terribly hate discussing my past, what makes me ache, hurts my heart, makes me feel. My younger sister is the opposite, she is sensitive, emotional, so much like our mother. I don't know how to handle her sometimes, I don't know how to relate. She feels I'm being mean to her, and I feel that she's too sensitive. She thinks I'm a cruel person who curses too much, is too honest, too up front. I think she's too easy to get hurt. Together we are fire and ice, I'm honestly not sure which is which sometimes. It's frustrating to live with a person whom you love, and have been through a lot with (our childhood had some downs). I know that she holds a lot of our past over my head, I hold how she feels over her head.
I keep hoping we are going to have a great day, then we start out great, but by the end of the day, you'd think world war three was about to start. You'd think my face couldn't get any redder, her voice couldn't get any quieter. I was hoping that we being together, in my home, would bring us close. We haven't lived under the same roof for 20 years. I left home early, had an entire life that she wasn't apart of; she did the same. I'm still hopeful that after a year, we will work through our anger, our love, our uncomfortableness. I really think that every day we are getting better, until another road block comes up. At the end of the day, I'm appreciative of her. I'm glad she's my sister. No matter how much she makes me pull out what hair, that I'm proud to have earned after chemo..... She's my sister. We have a past, but we also have a future. I can never express to her how much she means to me, I can't say the words she needs to hear to know that I don't hate her. I hope that she reads this blog and knows that I care about her. She means a lot in my life, I am unable to thank her enough for supporting my journey even when it annoys her. She wants to live her own life, and to be truthful, is a little jealous that I'm living mine.
Thank you Alta for watching my fluffies, Pepper who bites and pees and poops wherever he wants because he's a dick; Gracie Mae who craves human comfort; Hazelnut who can't drink, she somehow gets water on her tail; and Coco who eats when she wants. Thank you for caring for our home, it's my house, but our home. Each of us adds to its feeling, I don't know if we can live together forever, but I wouldn't have been able to take this adventure without you. I couldn't take this next step without knowing that even though you get so frustrated with me and are selfish at times, you still care. I can't make this journey alone; I have my sister, my Mom, my ex-husband, best friend, friends, Facebook friends, and everyone reading this blog, liking my posts, reaching out on LinkedIn.
Thank you to my supporters.... my life is kickass, but it wouldn't be without my village. Love y'all
The great state of Texas
When you tell people you're from Texas, they immediately conjure up images of cowboys, dust, horses, barbecue, and big, big, big. Although I was born in Tucson, Arizona, I'm from Dallas. All of my memories originate in or around the big D. I've lived in Ohio 18 years, but will always consider myself a Texan. I support everything Dallas, from the Stars to the Cowboys to the Rangers, even though I'm really a college football and hockey fan. I'm supportive of all Texas college football teams (unless they are playing Texas, then I support Texas, Hook 'Em!). My Mom recently moved from the Dallas area to Abilene in west Texas. I flew into DFW on my way to Abilene this past week, for the first time, I didn't stop. I didn't email/text/Facebook message friends from high school to meet for lunch or dinner. I landed where I've always felt like home, and immediately boarded another plane to visit my Mom. I can't explain how weird it feels to potentially never land at DFW and not stay.
I've been in Abilene for a few days, I arrived last Friday, and this town is different from Dallas and Columbus, Ohio. There are two movie theaters in this town, the new one and the old one. My Mother and I visited one of the two breweries in town this past Saturday, the chairs were uncomfortable, dogs were welcome, and the beer was okay. I spent Sunday in my pj's after taking Mom to the airport, and watched movies and Netflix all day. It was glorious, the dogs and I just hung out, it was nice to relax, not worry about plans or doing anything. Monday began with food at a deli downtown, hitting the bank, and showing up at the tattoo shop my Mom suggested only to stay for six hours. Yes, six hours..... I had a quote tattooed on my right shoulder, "I don't know how my story will end, but nowhere in the text will it ever read..."She gave up". I've been thinking about this quote for a while, it really sums up this chapter, and the next, and the next. I also had a vine of yellow roses updated on my lower back that I had tattooed when I was 25, 13 years ago, a tattoo that my friends lovingly purchased for me. It was my first tattoo; now I have seven. The tattoo artist also added significantly to the tattoo, it's much larger and no longer a lower back tattoo, now it's a back tattoo. I love it!
Tuesday in Abilene... after binge watching an awesome Netflix show Sunday to Monday, Crazyhead, I binge watched another awesome show, Defenders, on Tuesday. I watched The Dark Tower at the "old movie theater", had Italian at a pretty good local restaurant and ended the watching Redbox movies that night. Today's plan is to water my Mom's plants, check her P.O. Box, and visit the local museums. Yes, there are museums in Abilene! I'm not sure if they rock or not, but I'm immersing myself into the culture. I also booked my next adventure...... Cbus to San Fran to Oregon to Seattle back to Cbus. I'm excited for this next chapter!! I'm not sure how long my book will be, but each chapter signifies that I'm moving forward. I'm working on my next steps in my career. A friend is researching how to market my blog, I'm researching how to become a consultant, friends and family are contacting me with ideas of how to keep this adventure going (hopefully on someone else's dime).
I'm trying to decide who I am, am I a houser, a community development person, a rescuer, an adventurer, a lazy ass that pays for the YMCA but never goes. Am I a breast cancer survivor, a lousy roommate, sometimes a good friend, sometimes an awesome dog mom? Obviously, I'm everything, all the things, and sometimes none of the things. Post cancer Randi has gotten divorced, discovered that she needs to learn to cook at least a little, misses cuddling (until I get too hot), seeks adventure, wants to travel, desires more than a 9-5 in a safe/comfortable position, is looking forward to discovering who I am. I'm 38 and still figuring out who I am, what I want, where I want to go, what type of guy I'd like to be with. My ex-husband describes my physical type as either hot or a big bear looking dude, he identified that I'm on both ends of the spectrum regarding looks. I never really pay attention to who I'm attracted to, I just am, or I'm not. A smile is a huge turn on, intelligence and humor are important, having a job or being independently wealthy is pretty awesome, a car isn't as important nowadays with "green" being so environmentally conscious, finding me attractive is nice, loving dogs is even better, recognizing that you can make a difference in this world regardless of how you do it makes me smile.
Yes, I'm still online dating, and thinking of asking random guys on the street, in the store, at the bar if they are single. I'm considering having friends set up a table at a club and giving guys five minutes to get past them for the honor of talking to me. Although I'm traveling, figuring out who I am, having a partner would still be awesome. Feeling the flutter of butterflies at a look, text, or phone call would be ideal. As I'm traveling, blogging, thinking, discovering, I'm keeping my options open. Perhaps I'll be walking down the street in San Francisco and find a guy who also likes his coffee black, or I'll be in the movies with my bare feet up on the bar at my seat and look over to see a guy smiling back at me noticing my kickass pedicure. I'm trying to be self-aware, I suck at flirting, I am not the best at smiling back at a guy because I don't notice that they are smiling at me, or I assume they aren't smiling at me. I have no problem talking to people, male or female, I'm loud, I'm straight forward, I am told I can be intimidating, I am also told I'm awesome and fear that I'll outshine some guys. This isn't a conceited statement.... I mean that a lot of guys aren't as bold as I am. I feel like I would run them over with my personality. However I continue going about this thing called dating, I'm still enjoying my life, my adventure, writing my chapters as I go.
I've been in Abilene for a few days, I arrived last Friday, and this town is different from Dallas and Columbus, Ohio. There are two movie theaters in this town, the new one and the old one. My Mother and I visited one of the two breweries in town this past Saturday, the chairs were uncomfortable, dogs were welcome, and the beer was okay. I spent Sunday in my pj's after taking Mom to the airport, and watched movies and Netflix all day. It was glorious, the dogs and I just hung out, it was nice to relax, not worry about plans or doing anything. Monday began with food at a deli downtown, hitting the bank, and showing up at the tattoo shop my Mom suggested only to stay for six hours. Yes, six hours..... I had a quote tattooed on my right shoulder, "I don't know how my story will end, but nowhere in the text will it ever read..."She gave up". I've been thinking about this quote for a while, it really sums up this chapter, and the next, and the next. I also had a vine of yellow roses updated on my lower back that I had tattooed when I was 25, 13 years ago, a tattoo that my friends lovingly purchased for me. It was my first tattoo; now I have seven. The tattoo artist also added significantly to the tattoo, it's much larger and no longer a lower back tattoo, now it's a back tattoo. I love it!
Tuesday in Abilene... after binge watching an awesome Netflix show Sunday to Monday, Crazyhead, I binge watched another awesome show, Defenders, on Tuesday. I watched The Dark Tower at the "old movie theater", had Italian at a pretty good local restaurant and ended the watching Redbox movies that night. Today's plan is to water my Mom's plants, check her P.O. Box, and visit the local museums. Yes, there are museums in Abilene! I'm not sure if they rock or not, but I'm immersing myself into the culture. I also booked my next adventure...... Cbus to San Fran to Oregon to Seattle back to Cbus. I'm excited for this next chapter!! I'm not sure how long my book will be, but each chapter signifies that I'm moving forward. I'm working on my next steps in my career. A friend is researching how to market my blog, I'm researching how to become a consultant, friends and family are contacting me with ideas of how to keep this adventure going (hopefully on someone else's dime).
I'm trying to decide who I am, am I a houser, a community development person, a rescuer, an adventurer, a lazy ass that pays for the YMCA but never goes. Am I a breast cancer survivor, a lousy roommate, sometimes a good friend, sometimes an awesome dog mom? Obviously, I'm everything, all the things, and sometimes none of the things. Post cancer Randi has gotten divorced, discovered that she needs to learn to cook at least a little, misses cuddling (until I get too hot), seeks adventure, wants to travel, desires more than a 9-5 in a safe/comfortable position, is looking forward to discovering who I am. I'm 38 and still figuring out who I am, what I want, where I want to go, what type of guy I'd like to be with. My ex-husband describes my physical type as either hot or a big bear looking dude, he identified that I'm on both ends of the spectrum regarding looks. I never really pay attention to who I'm attracted to, I just am, or I'm not. A smile is a huge turn on, intelligence and humor are important, having a job or being independently wealthy is pretty awesome, a car isn't as important nowadays with "green" being so environmentally conscious, finding me attractive is nice, loving dogs is even better, recognizing that you can make a difference in this world regardless of how you do it makes me smile.
Yes, I'm still online dating, and thinking of asking random guys on the street, in the store, at the bar if they are single. I'm considering having friends set up a table at a club and giving guys five minutes to get past them for the honor of talking to me. Although I'm traveling, figuring out who I am, having a partner would still be awesome. Feeling the flutter of butterflies at a look, text, or phone call would be ideal. As I'm traveling, blogging, thinking, discovering, I'm keeping my options open. Perhaps I'll be walking down the street in San Francisco and find a guy who also likes his coffee black, or I'll be in the movies with my bare feet up on the bar at my seat and look over to see a guy smiling back at me noticing my kickass pedicure. I'm trying to be self-aware, I suck at flirting, I am not the best at smiling back at a guy because I don't notice that they are smiling at me, or I assume they aren't smiling at me. I have no problem talking to people, male or female, I'm loud, I'm straight forward, I am told I can be intimidating, I am also told I'm awesome and fear that I'll outshine some guys. This isn't a conceited statement.... I mean that a lot of guys aren't as bold as I am. I feel like I would run them over with my personality. However I continue going about this thing called dating, I'm still enjoying my life, my adventure, writing my chapters as I go.
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Vegas Baby
Freedom.... freedom let it ring!!! I'm free from the shackles of work, but not from responsibilities. I'm in Las Vegas, Nevada and it's my first time here. I'm not a gambler, other than my weekly lottery tickets. This city is BIG, I'm from Dallas and didn't understand what BIG meant until I arrived in this bustling city. I've been here a day and am in love with the people watching. All walks of life, different classes of society, and everything in between, converge to enjoy bright lights, bling, sparkles, money, love, and loss in the dessert.
I've visited the best buffet ever at Caesars, rode my first gondola at the Venetian, met an awesome bartender named CJ at Caesars, and an even more kick-ass bartender named Jennifer at the new Robert Irvine restaurant at the Tropicana. Jennifer has my heart, we are soul sisters over whiskey and IPA's, good times, and the journey that is life. I have felt the Vegas heat, currently carrying a wash cloth from my hotel room in my purse to wipe my sweat, and walked 8.5 miles so far sipping from the cup of life. Each Uber and Lyft driver have been fabulous and helped solidify the joys of this city.
I'm traveling with a friend of 20 years, and couldn't have asked for a better traveling companion. I'm complacent at the cost of everything from beer to liquor to cigarettes. It is what it is in this city. Although we booked a kickin' deal for our hotel and flight, food et al makes up the difference. I'm contemplating what the hell I'm going to do after my journey. Teresa has suggested I become a pharmaceutical rep, develop a few apps, no I'm not disclosing but they are ingenious ideas, among other options as I view my future options. Tinder continues to offer slices of maledom including meeting, in person, a nice guy who accompanied me as I tried new whiskey drinks, and has offered to tag along while I'm in Vegas. I was also offered to be dominated by another gent who offered to pull my hair from behind, give me a baby sans condom, and another who offered a Vegas fling. Oh Tinder, how I value your influence and confirmation that I can always get laid.
I'm ending my first night at a piano bar, drinking a Jack and Coke for $11.50 in a cup the size of a Turtle shot (if you don't know what that is, message me), listening to dueling pianos whilst my friend gambles, hopefully coming up roses. I am wearing a tank top, shorts, and flip flops; compared to my fellow women rocking everything from see through dresses to formal gowns and literally everything in between. I have posted about my insecurities, my legs are scarred, my self confidence often waivers, but in this city, who the fuck cares.
I'm excited for this to be my first trip in this new chapter. I'm excited to explore and learn about a new city sans job, sans significant other, sans caring. No one stares at my short hair, ahem it's kicking ass on its own being purple, pink, blue, and green, nobody knows I recently survived cancer, minus Jennifer who learned of my journey thus far.
I love bars, I love the anonimity, I love meeting new people, nay friends, discussing our lives, journeys, struggles and triumphs, and discovering, no, confirming, all of our paths converge for a reason. There's a reason I met Jennifer, there's a reason I met JC, he confirmed my need to visit Seattle and per him fall in love with that city. I'm enjoying, no, I'm fucking enjoying this first leg of my new chapter. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, this journey I'm on has stops for a reason, I'm not to the caboose yet.
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