Boob discussion

Met with Dr T my plastic surgeon and feel good about my reconstruction. He was patient and talked about my three options. He is supportive of doing flap surgery which will use my abdominal fat and tissue (I have plenty to spare) to make my new breasts. It's a seven to ten hour surgery that will occur mid to late May.

Dr T has a 98% success rate with this surgery and only does breast reconstruction. I did learn that at the time of surgery Dr Lilly, my breast surgeon, will test a few lymph nodes for cancer. If negative, no radiation, so unless something weird happened and my MRI shows more cancer I shouldn't have to worry about radiation.

I'm pretty trusting but I also feel that since Dr Lilly recommended Dr T I can feel comfortable. I of course had to wait for over an hour, but as I've said, cancer equals waiting. Dr T said that I'll go down a cup size which is my intention. The recovery time will be 4-6 weeks and then I can get my hysterectomy. The nice thing is that my Ob/Gyn can go through the same incision which is less scarring.

Today was scary, talking to another surgeon was concerning but I'm glad that it was positive and allowed me to ask questions. Surprisingly Chuck didn't have a lot of questions and I think he also feels good about the plan. I know this won't be my last boob post...

1st leg nearly completed

My breast cancer started September 30, 2015 when I went for my first mammogram. On that day I never could have imagined that five months later, I would be 12 chemo treatments down and scheduling appointments with surgeons. Although these five months haven't necessarily flown by, they have gone quicker than anticipated. I can't believe March is next week and I'll find out the status of my cancer at the end of the month.

I'm beginning to let people know that I'll be out for a few months around the end of April. When did I go from its just a baseline mammogram to I'm changing my body forever and hoping for no radiation?! It's weird and scary but I'm also ready for the next leg of my journey. I have four chemo treatments left, then I'll be planning the removal of both of my breasts, reconstruction surgery and a hysterectomy.

That's a lot for my next leg, I think I'm going to make it a few legs like in transporting for rescue. My next leg is the MRI, surgery consultations and determining if radiation is needed. The third leg will be my double mastectomy and either radiation or reconstruction. My fourth leg will be the hysterectomy and in between I'll still be receiving infusions of Herceptin for the next year every three weeks.

My dreams continue to focus on me finding out I have more than one cancer. This may continue for the rest of my life or end once I get through surgery and have my next colonoscopy. I have read two stories this week of women with stage 2 breast cancer, like me, who have cancer come back as stage four after their mastectomies in different areas of their body. This is beyond scary and heart pounding.

I hate the thought that I'll have to continually check other parts of my body for cancer, forever, but at least I'll be more aware of body changes, symptoms, etc. Hopefully this is a one time opportunity to punch cancer in the throat, but if the opportunity rises again I'm sure I'll be up for the challenge.

I meet with my plastic surgeon tomorrow to discuss my boobs; I'm nervous about the conversation but glad I'll be able to learn of my options. Currently I plan to drop from a D cup to a C, maybe I can wear button downs, but I also may choose to forego new ones altogether. The more I read, the more I learn of women that have had bad experiences with reconstruction and wish they had gone a different route.

As I sign off and hope for better dreams tonight. I leave y'all with the thought that maybe we shouldn't save the tatas, maybe we should focus on saving the women (and men) going through this journey instead. It's tough, rigorous, expensive, scary and actually focused on killing the tatas for the betterment of the traveler.

Adulting

Adulting is a newer term used to identify when we've made a responsible decision, completed a task that probably sucks but needed to be done or many other times when ignoring the problem no longer felt like the right choice. We Adult every time we choose to go to work and save a sick day, pay off a credit card instead of using the available credit on new shoes and telling a friend that dress sucks. I have been Adulting for a while, but lately I feel as though I'm failing.

I had what my husband calls a sad day yesterday, full of anxiety and consisted of me curled in a ball in my bed all day. It's hard to explain anxiety/depression to anyone, including those you love, but it's an illness that I take  Cymbalta for and usually keep ahead. The realisation that my chemo is coming to an end and surgery decisions are going to be made is scary. My brain keeps dreaming that I have other types of cancer, that my MRI will discover  more cancer requiring radiation. I also dream that cancer will be found during my hysterectomy which is unlikely. I try not to worry about the unknown, but thoughts slip in.

I work to keep a positive attitude and not get bogged down in the unknown, it is easy to fall within this abyss and let worries become overwhelming. I strive to find a balance, a way to cope with the unknown while maintaining a positive outlook. I choose to Adult most days; I make it to work, pay bills, take care of the dogs, try to remember to say hello to friends, etc. I have definitely realised it can be worse in many, many ways from a worse cancer to having no support to having a lesser job with lower quality benefits and unsupportive management. The worse can go on and on, but so can the good from supportive friends/family/coworkers, great job with amazing benefits, a loving home and triple positive instead of triple negative breast cancer. Although my cancer is aggressive and invasive, by all accounts it has been contained.

I am hopeful that as the end of chemo nears and my next steps are identified, I'll be able to calm down my brain and silence the worry. I'm not good at waiting and cancer most definitely equals waiting. I will do better focusing and caring once my life has better direction and dates are set. Today, as I sit waiting for chemo to pour through my port, I look around at these women and men and wonder if they have the same fears, same frustrations, same anxiety or are they experiencing worse or better. How are they Adulting?