Family

I spoke to my stepmother today, she's my father's widow, who I don't think I've spoken to on the phone in a very long time.  It was a nice conversation, we talked a little about my recovery, her dogs, and her and her boyfriend visiting Ohio from Texas.  I was happy to reconnect with a family member. One thing cancer has taught me is that life is short, unexpected and the phrase "carpe diem" rings true. I personally have sucked at keeping in contact with family members since my father passed away going on 10 years ago.

I always felt that some of my father's family kept in contact simply for my Dad, they would never contact me when they came to town, or invite me to anything but that conversation could have gone both ways.  I could have tried harder to keep in touch and vice versa.  Today, it became clear that I don't want to continue holding grudges that aren't really there.  I realized that friending family on Facebook is an easy step to trying to reconnect, I am a cancer survivor which means I could have died.  That's pretty heavy.... but honestly, we're all going to die.  Whether it's by sickness, accident or what feels like boredom sometimes.  There is no reason not to reach out to family, even if they aren't the closest; you don't have to do holidays but maybe a Saturday at the pool, or casually catching up for dinner.

I followed up the phone call by sending friend requests to my uncle, his wife and both kids. We have always gotten along but have never been close. I always felt like an outsider. When I was young I would be reminded that my Dad adopted me when he married my mother which didn't feel like something that needed to be mentioned. As silly as this sounds, I never felt adopted, I was 3 at the time. As I've grown older it felt like this side of my family wasn't really family, we never celebrated together for holidays or birthdays and didn't go out of the way to see one another. I assume this is normal for many individuals and families.

I miss my Dad very much and always felt obligated to see his family while he was alive even though I considered them more like distant relatives. I hope they aren't offended reading this but I think they'll understand. As I'm moving through my post cancer journey, I'm trying to find myself in many ways and this step is definitely a part to be played. I feel good reaching out, even superficiality through social media, to connect and maybe begin communicating. I've spoken of the positives of having cancer, this is definitely one of them. I have been able to connect to some wonderful people via Facebook that have gone through cancer, known someone who has or are just supportive of my journey.

I've been told that my blog has also been helpful for those that aren't sure how I'm doing, how to reach out or are just curious of the whole thing. I logged in today to my blog and my page has 9410 views and 1 follower. I'm not sure if this means there are that many people interested or after one post they peace out and 1 lonely person actually follows every post. Either way I hope each of you gains something from my posts; even my personal ones that are more me having a personal moment more than discussing a cancer aspect. As I wind down and get ready for the sandman, I'm reminded of when I decided to start this blog and the sole intent being to chronicle my cancer journey. I'm happy and relieved that I'm still here able to chronicle cancer, chemo, surgery and beyond. It means I made it, I'm a survivor and a normal 37 year old woman with a new chapter in her book.

What am I doing?

I met an interesting fella last week, he started the conversation by asking if I wanted to see something cool. Of course I did! He showed me a picture of him and his daughters feeding hyenas in Ethiopia. I had to admit that the photo was pretty cool and led into a discussion about life and where it leads you. He reminded me that a job is an opportunity to fund what you really want to do. The job doesn't need to be your passion, but it can support that fire through providing resources whether they be monetary or otherwise.

I of course know this to be true; I've enjoyed being a part of the rescue community for eight years. I have been able to focus on my passion due to my great job. I'm still wrestling with becoming a veterinarian, is the school debt worth it? Is another six years focused on studies worth it? Am I able to do what I've been doing, working at a great place while spending my free time helping animals in need? Perhaps there's still a chance that a job will come along that matches my skills, education and passion with great pay and benefits. Or, maybe I'll get past this post cancer funk and embrace what I already have....

My stomach is continuing to heal, but I keep my spanx close at hand. I'm feeling better about my abdomen area, it's going to heal and not be as noticeable but it's going to take time. My best friend is moving away to Florida, where all Ohioans end up, in a couple weeks and that definitely has me bummed. Her family is able to realize their dream which makes me happy, but I'll miss being able to stop by and see them. I'm so lucky she was here during my journey from diagnosis to chemo to surgery. I love you Beth and am so glad flights are more reasonable and fly straight to your new home!!

I am going to a meeting for the Young Survivor Coalition, a group of women who have gone through breast cancer age 40 and under. I'm really interested if they are struggling emotionally and physically with getting back to work and regular life. I am worried that it will be a sad session of us talking about cancer, chemo and the other downers associated with BC. It will be my first attempt talking to other survivors in a group setting, wish me luck!

As a new week begins, I am reminding myself that I can still win the lottery, I have a few weeks to choose if I want to attend classes, I'll be meeting other young survivors, attending the State Fair, going to my best friends home for one last party, seeing another friend for her housewarming party, trying not to melt in this heat (don't be fooled that it's Ohio, it was 100 today) and putting one foot in front of the other in this post cancer journey.

90 Days

It's Wednesday, July 13th, and the beginning of a new lease on life. As of today I'm going to follow my blogs advice and quit drinking liquor for 90 days. Yes, I've said this before, but today really feels like a new chance to do things differently. I'm scheduled for classes to start my path of becoming a veterinarian, I've found a work out partner in Grove City, left a message to join the YMCA, and started back to work.

My husband, my biggest supporter, is behind me 1000%. I see myself in school for the next six years pursuing a long standing dream assuming I am smart enough and dedicated enough. I am also going liquor free, which means no whiskey nights, shots or stressed out happy hours that go from two beers to shots, shots, shots. I am embarking on a new journey, post cancer, of loving myself, getting in shape and pursuing a dream. I pulled up to the parking lot for work today and almost turned around, the thought of my cubicle was too depressing.

The thought of not enjoying what I am, what I do, is too depressing. I still know I'm awesome, but I have the opportunity to be more awesome and that's pretty awesome. I made it through my work day but my stomach was hurting by the end. Note to self, wear your spanx. I'm still kicking around the idea of writing a book, I have some funny stories that need to be shared. Stay tuned for how that's going...

I am incredibly grateful to my friends for always keeping me in check and calling my husband when needed. I am so lucky to have people in my life that I love as my family. I plan to keep this positive motivation going but warn you if you want to see me before school starts next month, get on the calendar. I thrived going to school, rescuing and working full time when I was in school previously but I had little time for much else. I'm really hopeful that that groove will continue as I will only be taking math and science courses instead of breezy easy business courses. I've also applied to volunteer at a local spay and neuter clinic, hopefully I can do a few days there a month. I have rescue experience but not vet office and this is a way to at least start. I'm getting tired thinking about my next few years already!

Crossroads

I am at a physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual crossroad. I've survived cancer, now what? Obviously I go back to work, back to rescue, back to life but I don't want to go back. At least not in the same way. I really want to start figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I am so blessed with my job and the ability to volunteer but I'm still missing something.

I am physically dreading returning to my cubicle in three days. It's stupid, I know this. There are people with no jobs, shitty jobs, lesser jobs, on and on. When I see myself in 5-10 years, it isn't in housing finance. I always assumed it would be involved in helping animals. Finding a position in a company with similar goals and vision; to help animals in need. I'm not having a post cancer crisis, I've felt this way for awhile. I am awesome gosh darnit, and I know I'm meant for more!!

I just don't know what more is. I've always wanted to be a vet, but it's a LOT of debt for relatively little pay. I'm currently toying with becoming a lawyer, having the opportunity to use my voice and knowledge to challenge breed specific legislation, help service animals, etc. I'm also considering writing a book that will obviously be published so I can pay off current debt (college ain't cheap folks). Is this a mid life crisis? I'm not buying a Ferrari or leaving Chuck for a 22 year old, but I can feel my creative juices needing an outlet.

When I found rescue 8 years ago, it literally filled a hole in my heart and soul. I finally found a way to help without being a vet. As I've gotten more involved in rescue I recognize I could never do it full time, but I know there's a way to rescue while having a full time job somehow still helping but not being emotionally drained by both.

Maybe I just need a job change, something more manageable than earning a doctorate. Sigh..... I just feel that at 37, I don't want to be 40/43/47 thinking these same thoughts and imagining the what ifs. I know few people who enjoy their jobs, but the ones I know make me envious. I'm not saying doing what you love and are passionate about is easy. It's still hard work, still takes dedication, but I imagine that passion helps get through some of the tough stuff.

While I'm having this existential breakdown, here's an update on post surgery Randi. My stomach incision is sore, it's still healing and on days when I do too much it's painful. I have successfully not napped in a week which I feel is impressive. The swelling on my right side under the armpit is less, it's still kind of numb, but better. The incisions on my breasts are doing really good, only a few scabs. My upcoming revision surgery should be pretty easy which makes me happy. I'm driving, doing housework and pretty much back to normal. I just need to pace myself and listen to my body. Spanx are still close by to help with the compression and are a huge help after a long day.

Post cancer Randi is obviously a little lost but I know I'll get back on track. Routine will help, getting a little more focus will definitely help. If y'all have suggestions on how to get my caboose back on track, I'm listening. The front of my train is chugging along, it just needs some course correction.

Beer and paranormal shows

I'm less than a week from returning to work and I'm choosing to drink and watch paranormal shows instead of going to bed.  I have that feeling where getting a little toasty sounds good and why not watch a show about crop circles?  I normally drink a few drinks a few nights a week, I have always enjoyed drinking but have gotten better at understanding my tolerance. When you don't have to get up early and are able to ignore any pains or aches, alcohol is a nice substitute.  I totally wish my best girl friends lived closer so we could meet and catch up at, 12:48 a.m.; because we would be around the corner from each other. The bummer is, we aren't, we're adults; with homes, kids, significant others, circumstances that prevent us from meeting on a Thursday at a common, local bar at 1:00 a.m.

When I was younger, getting a call at this time of the morning would mean that I would walk my Blueberry, get dressed (unless I was already dressed) and drive to a location where my friends were to drink, even for an hour or two, to catch up and be young.  Now that I'm older, 37, calling friends at 1:00 a.m. means something's wrong, I'm in trouble or worse. There is no, "Hey, get up, we're going drinking to catch up and talk about my current reason why I'm up so late"; obviously, if my marriage was asunder, dog died, I was fired, etc. my gf's would be up but on average, I would be greeted with" WTF Randi?!".  I understand this sentiment because if I was awoken with a phone call of non importance at 1:00 a.m. I would be PISSED.  My friends know not to call me, even in drunk form, when they really don't need anything.  I value my sleep, very much, but value my friendships more; when not used in vain.

I love that my friends have supported me through this journey to an extent that I expected, but was still surprised. My family has consisted of my friends, I'm lucky to have each of my ladies (and a few guys) that love me unconditionally regardless of my bitchiness, hair loss, sickness, and any other factor that make me unwheely at times. I appreciate that my personal family, outside of blood, has always accepted me as LOUD, crazy, poor decision making, lover of dogs (especially Blueberry) and all of the other reasons that make me, ME. This journey has been hard, difficult, weird and many other adjectives that I'm unable to articulate but drinking on a Thursday night at home really brings home how lucky I am.  If I chose to drive, safely, to a bar and called each of you, you would find a way to meet me to ensure I was safe, sane, and in a good place.  How many people have friends/loved ones who fit that bill?  Not many, I assume.

My Coco is "digging" her comfortable spot in front of me in the carpet, Gracie Mae has built her "nest" in the couch blanket, Hazelnut has made herself comfortable on the stairs and Pepper has snuggled up next to Chuck while I am typing in the living room, watching a movie about young kids developing time travel, while drinking another beer. I know how awesome my life is; I know how amazing my time has been thus far, I can never describe how fabulous my life will be but I am confident that post cancer will definitely rock more than cancer. Thanks to those that read my posts, support my decisions, support ME and recognize that we need to make today/tomorrow/Saturday count.  I survived cancer, how many people can say that?!  I assume thousands, millions? For me, I survived, and plan to keep surviving; each of you have made this possible.  Your life will always matter, will always make a difference in the trajectory of life, you matter. Look at your goals and go for them; look at how you want to save the world and fix it; look at how you want to make a difference and do it; what problems do you want to solve, what solution do you need to find, what wrong needs to be right?! Each of us has the answer. Stop just going to work; what do YOU want to do?! We all need a job to pay the mortgage, pay the car payment, provide dog food or childcare but how we meet these necessities is our choice. I'm at this crossroads; I have a kickass job, but is it what I want to do? NO, but that doesn't mean I leave my goals, it means I work to identify my goals/love/reason. I can't wait to identify how I meet my needs vs my goals; how have y'all?

Cancer Thoughts

Cancer just fucking sucks. There, I said it, there is nothing good about this awful disease. I am lucky to now be a survivor but a fellow rescuer recently passed away from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed early June 2016 and died a couple weeks later. I never met her personally but have known her through email and Facebook for many years. She was a great woman who rocked at rescue and from what I've heard was also a great person. RIP Sue Beedoo Bixler, I hope you're surrounded by loved ones both furry and non furry.

My hair is still coming in so people still want to tell me their cancer stories and want to know the type of cancer I had. I'm looking forward to not looking like a chemo patient. I'll always look like a cancer patient under my clothes due to the surgical scars; but it would be nice to have a beer without someone blessing me, touching or kissing my head, telling me about a family member who died of cancer or the hugs.

I found out this week that a previous coworker who beat cancer had it come back in full force. Stage 4 kidney. WTF?! Why can't cancer just leave us alone? Once is enough for a lifetime. My husband read of a woman who beat breast cancer and had a double mastectomy and then the cancer came back, stage 4 in her lungs. This is so unbelievably scary. I would like to not have to worry about a second cancer, but it'll always be in the back of my brain.

On the plus side I am finally able to wear bras! I dropped a cup size but am still a D cup (I thought I was a D before but I think I was a DD and just wore the wrong bras). It's been nice not having the sports bra straps showing in every shirt. I am able to go without spanx also but honestly my stomach hurt when I didn't wear them so spanx will remain a part of my wardrobe a little longer.

I saw my plastic surgeon on Friday and we talked about my upcoming revision surgery to clean up my breasts and stomach. Luckily I had a great surgery and only need a few things done like perking up my boobs (they feel and look like flat pancakes to me, not as round), smoothing my stomach incision (there are little flaps on each side) and possibly removing tissue from the left side of my breast if it isn't all swelling. I am personally opting to not have nipples reconstructed, it's nice to not worry about cold rooms or thin bras.

I plan to tattoo my breasts with a pretty garden of flowers instead. I feel like this will not only cover some scars, but will also be a way of making my constant cancer reminder into something beautiful. I currently feel very uncomfortable with my body, I'm hoping this gets better over time. My abdomen is just so ugly with a port, circular scars on my breasts, scars from the drains, scars from last year's stomach surgery and a giant stomach scar. I've never been a swimsuit model, but I've always felt comfortable naked. This is just going to take time.

I'm a little over a week from returning to work and starting to get a little anxious. I have been so focused on cancer that I wasn't at my best these past few months. I'm hoping that I can get back in the groove and enjoy my job again. I am not looking forward to going back to work, lottery please, but am appreciative for the time I've had off to focus on healing mentally and physically.

To my friends who are fighting cancer, I'm thinking of you. To those that have beaten cancer, I hope you never have to fight again.