Tonight

It's nearly 1 a.m. and I woke my husband up whining with tears. I was snuggled in my recliner surrounded by Pepper and Gracie Mae when my mouth started watering and I immediately knew I needed to vomit. I began dry heaving, quickly put the dogs on the floor, threw my covers and pillows off, put the recliner upright and ran to the powder room (which luckily is only a few steps away).

I debated how to vomit, standing or sitting. Either way, the dry heaving brought tears to my eyes; my incision was on fire and hurt at every heave. I cried, heaved and nothing came out but some drool. For most people this wouldn't be that big a deal. For me, it's quite painful. I had stomach surgery January 2015 to eliminate my acid reflux and due to this surgery, I'm unable to vomit. I can only dry heave. At the same time, I peed myself trying to vomit and wanted to lay on the floor.

I have no idea what triggered the dry heaving, I ate pretty normally and have been drinking my water. My last drain was removed today (high five) but that shouldn't have affected anything. I walked up the stairs once I felt comfortable moving, after letting the dogs out because as other dog parents understand your dogs always want to go out. I laid on the bed and explained what happened and that I needed a new pair of underwear.

My husband kissed my forehead and asked what he could do. We agreed on gas pills and nausea medicine since I was burping often. The burping was just air, I didn't feel nauseous and wasn't sure how else he could help. So, I changed, came back downstairs and Chuck brought me a Sprite which always makes me feel better (maybe it's in my head, but Sprite helps). I got settled back in the recliner, dried my tears and thanked Chuck for his help.

WTF?! Why did this feeling come on so suddenly? I am obviously not comfy to begin with and added pain is not welcome. I don't know where the weird wanting to vomit feeling came from and hope it doesn't come back.

I am normally an early to bed kind of girl but since my schedule is anything but normal these days, I sleep when I'm tired and wake when I want. Very rarely in adult life do you get this type of freedom so I am taking advantage. Now, I'm still awake an hour later a little worried about going to sleep, but I feel the weird incident was just that, weird. I am a little addicted to watching shows dedicated to tiny houses, a current housing trend, and plan to finish this current episode and then hopefully drift off to sleep.

I'm lucky

I just lost both breasts, had reconstruction completed using my stomach tissue, and had three lymph nodes removed from my right side at the age of 36. I believe I'm 99% clear of cancer if I understood my breast surgeon correctly. I also believe that I have like a 2% chance of it coming back as breast cancer. I went through five months of aggressive chemo, multiple scans, biopsies and doctor appointments; all since October 2015.

I feel lucky that I have gone through all of this and whatever is in store for me in the future. I have great health insurance that has covered all of my visits, biopsies, scans, chemotherapy, mammograms (minus my first one that the hospital luckily covered, it was 3D and considered experimental by UHC). I have a wonderful employer that has allowed me to take the time off that I've needed, allowed me to work a flexible schedule, work from home when needed and given such amazing support from when I was diagnosed to now. I have an amazing husband who has been more scared than me at times but stood by my side to help me physically and emotionally.

I have amazing friends who threw a fricking benefit in my honor and started a Go Fund Me to ensure we could afford cancer. A trailer was raffled off, friends donated their bar as the location and friends and family contributed their time, money and other resources in my honor. I have a beautiful home where I am comfortable and safe and surrounded by love; furry and non furry. I have two reliable vehicles that have taken me to Riverside Hospital, Bing Cancer Center, Columbus Oncology, and a few other places safely. I've also had friends and family offer to drive me if needed, as far away as Indiana; thank you Molly.

I am relatively healthy which has helped me get through everything from chemo to surgery. I have a mostly positive attitude which has helped me smile through it all; helping myself and those supporting me. I have a kickass sense of humor allowing me to laugh when I need to, and when I don't. I can't imagine starting this journey in October 2005, I was 26 back then with only a few of the things I've listed available to younger me.

I am lucky. I imagine if some of the people in my life had to go through this journey as moms with busy schedules, little or no health insurance, little to no support, non working vehicles or no vehicle, jobs that wouldn't offer options or flexibility. How would they have faired? How much more difficult would this journey have been for them? I truly am the right person to have to undergo this journey. Do I wish I didn't have cancer; of course. Do I wish I didn't have to undergo surgery; absolutely. Do I still consider myself lucky; absofuckinglutely.

Bloody pockets

Today marks a week since I had the big surgery. It's been strange being relegated to our recliner but the dogs have loved having me downstairs and constantly available for pettings. My chi mix Pepper has become my chair companion which isn't like him. Normally he claims our king size bed for his own and only comes down for food and potty time.

My husband has been amazing making sure I'm eating, taking my pills and emptying my drains. He is also feeding the dogs full time and reminding me not to bend or lift my arms. I have six drains, two in my abdomen on each side, and two in each breast. Having such sweet drains attached means I have to constantly carry the drains wherever I go. The drains are bulky and fill with my blood and other bits throughout the day and I drain them twice a day. The drains are kept in pockets within my shirt that the hospital gave me, so I have bloody pockets 24 hours a day.

Showering is a possibility but I do need help from Chuck since I can't lift my arms. The drains move from pockets to a lanyard and hang around my neck. Not having hair is a plus when you can't lift your arms and unable to stand comfortably for long periods. One drain was able to be removed yesterday since it wasn't draining a lot, so I'm down to five.

The drains are irritating and I have to be careful not to pull them out. They are definitely itchy and I have to be cognizant when I'm scratching to not scratch too crazy. My abdomen and boobs are swollen and will be for awhile so I'm taking Ibuprofen in addition to my pain pills. My right arm is still a pain where the nodes were removed but on the bright side they were negative.

I have been watching Netflix, movies and catching up on my DVR. I try to walk a little each day around the house and plan to venture outside tomorrow. I can't be too strenuous to make sure I don't hurt my stitches, drains or cause too much drainage. I feel bad having Chuck take care of me. Normally we are a team, he cooks, I clean, he does laundry, I fold and put the clothes away. I really appreciate him and hope he knows.

Today is our 8 year wedding anniversary and normally I would have gotten him a card and we'd go to dinner. Today, I spent the day in my chair and Chuck cooked a delicious dinner, it was a very nice day. I truly am lucky to have him in my life, he understands my current limitations and doesn't make me feel bad that I can't help around the house. Hopefully once my drains are out I'll feel better and will be able to help around the house and maybe move from the recliner to my bed!

Boobs, belly button and burning

Well, surgery has been completed and I'm on the road to recovery. My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction was Tuesday, May 17th, and I was able to be discharged Friday. I loved the staff at Dublin Methodist, they were all great and extremely supportive. I saw all of my surgeons, and they were each positive about the surgery as a whole and pleased with my incisions and how the surgery sites look. I kept a smile on my face during my stay and the staff appreciated having a positive patient with a good outlook.

The surgery required incisions in both breasts to remove current tissue through my nipples which means I have big skin grafts where nipples would normally be. The tissue was replaced with tissue from my stomach leaving a long incision straight across my stomach with drain tubes on each side. Each breast has two drain tubes and the spots where the drains originate burn something awful.

On Tuesday my breast cancer surgeon and one of my plastic surgeons both wrote on my boobs in black marker. The breast surgeon literally put his initials on me, HA! The way the plastic surgeon marked made me think he would be scooping out my breast from the bottom, not through the nipple openings but I guess it makes more sense to ensure all of the tissue was removed and as much skin was left to make new boobs.

I have no idea what size breasts I have now, they are definitely smaller but also swollen and I'm thinking it will be a few weeks until I know. My husband has also commented that they are smaller, maybe a C cup? Since I've never had different boobs, it's weird having new ones that aren't really new, they are just made from a different part of me.

The incision sites BURN, it's like they are on fire and when I have to drain them the pulling on the tubes is a really strong burning sensation. This pain has been the worst and my major complaint, the nurses and doctors have indicated that my experience is in line with other patients. All types of stuff is draining out, blood, stringy stuff, fat, tissue... as I continue to drain, the color will change from red to a straw yellow color. What is going to drain that's yellow?!

My best friend and her husband brought me an awesome book, T Rex Trying, showing all of the things that T Rex tries to do. I took the book to the hospital and had visitors and staff sign. I'm kind of like a T Rex, walking hunched over with my arms at my sides unable to do a lot currently. My stuffed T Rex Mortimer, Morty for short, also accompanied me and was a welcome addition when I woke up in pain wanting a hug.

A new belly button was made since tissue was cut away, it's currently scabbed and I'm interested to see what it will look like once healed. The long incision is at the base of my stomach and I have to watch hiking my underwear or pants too high. I accidentally tucked one of my drain tubes in my underwear and it opened and spilled on me. Walking around with six drain tubes takes a little bit of care, luckily the hospital gave me a sweet blue soft button up that has pockets for my drains. I'll lose half of them this coming Friday and the rest the following week depending on how much continues to drain.

I'll be sponge bathing for a couple of weeks as I navigate the drains and my ability to stand for long periods. I have been incredibly itchy, from my incision sites to my back to my legs. It's partly from pain pills, partly from not being able to fully shower and partly from a lot of sitting and laying. Since I'm home, my dogs are very confused why I'm not going to bed or feeding them. Gracie Mae, beagle mix, and Pepper, chihuahua mix, both laid on my legs last night as I slept in our recliner.

I've completed my first 24 hours at home and so far so good. I'm surrounded with pillows and Chuck is fabulous as my helper. He's making sure I eat and distributing my pills. I'm very lucky to have him and couldn't ask for a better husband who is able and willing to help me get up and down, drain my tubes, comfort the dogs when they can't sit with me and all of the other tasks that comes with caring for post cancer Randi.

T minus 7 hours

Toenail polish has been removed....body has been cleansed with antiseptic cleanser....talked to my Mom...hugged my best friend, her family and my husband....jewelry has been removed...hospital bag has been packed, including Mortimer my dinosaur....hospital outfit has been picked out...now to somehow sleep.

I am laying in bed with two of my furkids, my other two are close by. Today has been a great day, although it started with two doctor appointments, it ended with hugs and I love yous. I had a great dinner and found two awesome pairs of heels, on sale, that I hope to wear soon.

It's nearly 11 p.m. and I have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for surgery at 7:50 a.m. Two of my best friends will be joining my husband in the morning to start the long wait known as surgery. Another great friend is letting my dogs out and feeding them tomorrow. Many other friends and family will be waiting anxiously by their phones and computers waiting for an update (I assume, because let's face it, I'm pretty awesome). Tomorrow will be a long day for us all, only I'll be asleep missing the action.

My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction is scheduled for 10-12 hours, longer than a day at work, a good nights sleep and about as long as a good Netflix marathon. I am as mentally prepared as possible, have centered myself and really tried to remember that the advantage of tomorrow is no... more...cancer. I may have to do radiation afterwards but the main event that has been building since October will finally play out.

My right wrist foretells the outcome, Randi 1, BC 0. Tattoos never lie after all.

SEX

First off, sex is a taboo topic... Second, my friends, coworkers, managers and others read this blog...Third, this blog post isn't meant to embarrass my husband or myself... Fourth, sex is important and changes after chemo... Fifth, don't continue reading if this topic makes you uncomfortable... Sixth, I hope this particular topic will help other survivors

I chose not to have sex after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been married for nearly eight years and have been with my husband for nine. Obviously a cancer diagnosis wasn't foreseen and the whirlwind of doctors, concern, worrying and chemo put a damper on my romance. When you're waiting for your diagnosis and to learn next steps, having romantic relations isn't a concern.

I started chemo within a couple weeks of diagnosis and thought about sex a few weeks in. However, I also thought about my chemo side effects and read how they might affect sex. There are stories of dryness, pain, tearing, etc. due to vaginal tissue being soft and similar to the tissue in your mouth. When I learned of my vaginal ulcers in the second month of chemo, it was compared to mouth ulcers that many patients get (again, similar tissue). Surprisingly, or not, sex sounded awful, scary and painful.

During cancer, you want comforted from those you love and in a relationship that comforting usually comes in the form of kissing, hugging and having sex. Even after I got through the vaginal ulcers and started my second round of chemo drugs I was still scared. My husband has been amazingly supportive and agreed that the potential pain wasn't worth it and we would try post chemo.

I am extremely lucky; my husband is beyond supportive and was more worried than me about how my body had been changed. Other women I've read about have sex, despite their discomfort, because they are afraid of losing their husband or their husband straying. I will say right now if that's a concern during cancer, please re evaluate your partner of choice. You need and deserve someone who is just as concerned, or more, of hurting you, making you uncomfortable or forcing you into a decision you don't want to make. Sex is important in relationships, but so is trust, love and all of the other fabulous things that make good partnerships great.

It's been over six weeks since chemo and my husband and I tried sex tonight. We are in the countdown til surgery and it's the last time we will be together with my current body. I was absolutely ready to give it a try and he was supportive of trying, stopping and doing whatever felt comfortable to me. First, my body has definitely changed. Positions don't feel the same, it's like there is a pressure or uncomfortableness that wasn't there before. I wonder if I became like a virgin again, each position just felt weird.

It didn't feel bad necessarily, but not right either. I had a little blood and discomfort after while using the restroom and feel that it was a good first try. We both needed to feel that closeness, but it would have been nice if it felt great. I plan to try again tomorrow, it's our last chance after all before I am down for a few months with a different body.

I personally recommend to women to try sex at your pace. If you're worried about the changes that have or are happening to your body, consult your doctor but more importantly listen to yourself. I can't imagine trying sex during chemo, you're tired, dehydrated, in danger of sores and more likely to get hurt. However, that's just me, chemo and cancer affects everyone differently. Your experience might be different, but remember it's your body and you know what's best.

Yes, I'm home from Myrtle and what better way to welcome me home... ;-)

48 Hours

Well, it's 48 hours until surgery and I'm on the road leaving Myrtle Beach headed to Columbus, Ohio. I have had a great vacation and am sorry to see it end because it means I'm that much closer to a scary long procedure. However, I do miss my husband and furkids. I haven't petted a dog in a week, that is so weird!! I have definitely enjoyed the time away and feel that it was a well deserved vacation.

I was able to swim, burn a little (despite using sunscreen), had some good beer, a few beachy drinks and good conversations with my traveling companions. I am so lucky to have good friends that allowed me to crash their vacation. A couple days I slept in super late but that's what my body wanted to do, and I listened.

The weather was beautiful, it only rained half a day on Friday, otherwise it was sunny and gorgeous. I am not a huge beach fan, don't like the feel of sand and ocean on my feet, but this visit I relished the feeling realizing I won't see the ocean again for awhile. I swam in the pools a few times and it was nice not having to worry about chlorine messing with my hair, ;-).

I'm riding in the back of a Prius feeling my anxiety rising as I head back home. I start tomorrow with a Herceptin infusion and blood draw, but I'll have my husband with me. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed but I'm only 48 hours out, so many things can happen on Tuesday. I'm thinking where is my living will and did I print out my will? I think I just saved it, better get that printed. Should I make a list of who Chuck needs to contact during my surgery Tuesday? How many updates do my friends and loved ones want? Will everyone be on pins and needles as I'm "under the knife" for 10-12 hours? I'll be knocked out but I know Chuck will be a mess. Thank you Cat for taking time off work to spend with him, he shouldn't be alone.

My Mom is no longer able to come up the week after surgery, my younger sister needed her while she was in the hospital and it's hard to be in two places when you're a thousand miles apart. My husband has taken time off so I'll still have a loved one home to help me around. Thank you to everyone who has offered to help, please know how much I appreciate you. During the next nine hours I'm going to rest, kick my feet up and enjoy the ride...

Randi's Vacation

I am spending the week before surgery in Myrtle Beach, SC. I couldn't have picked a better place to relax, sleep and get my head together before my big surgery next Tuesday. This is the last week to appreciate my boobs, they've always been with me but are slowly killing me. I still have no idea why I have cancer, maybe it was the decade plus that I smoked; maybe it's the alcohol I've consumed; maybe it's the hand full of hot dogs that I've eaten. I'll never know, but the important thing is that by opting for a double mastectomy, I'm able to literally cut out the cancer. Since I'm young and use to my 40D's, I'm also choosing reconstruction.

The method being used will remove tissue from my stomach and make new C cups that I can be proud of. It's so weird when I put on my bathing suit thinking this is the last time people can enjoy my natural cleavage... This is the last time I'll put on my bras. After surgery it might be easier to find bras, 40D isn't the most common size.

I am trying to use this week to come to terms with my cancer, come to terms with my fear and come to terms with myself. I can't stand the thought of worrying about this disease anymore. The removal of my breasts reduces my risk of cancer in one area, I still have to worry about it coming back elsewhere which just sucks.

I am a few days into this vacation, and really enjoying myself. I've sat on the beach, swam in a pool and had some good conversation. I slept late today which is always fabulous. I am really enjoying my time off work, hard to believe I know... I am going to thoroughly enjoy the rest of my vacation and feel okay if I have sad moments or feel angry. The whole purpose is to just be me...