Tribe vs Village- NSFW

This post is in regards to my recent visit to a young breast cancer survivor symposium, if you are one of my nieces, nephews, or a friends parent, please note that there is cursing and some sexual content included.  NSFW means not safe for work

I am one lucky bitch..... I have a village of individuals, friends, previous coworkers, family, and Facebook friends who have followed and supported me during my breast cancer journey.  This village threw me a benefit, took me to appointments, sent words of encouragement, among many, many other things.  This past weekend, I learned the difference between my village and my tribe.  I attended a young survivor coalition symposium where 150 women gathered to share their stories, experiences, and feelings surrounding being a woman under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer.  This organization is celebrating 20 years this year, and this was my first symposium.  I am hesitant to attend anything breast cancer related, because I strive to be a positive person, and a lot of women have a lot of feels surrounding their diagnosis and journey and the event/meeting tends to be negative and fucking sad.  I chose to attend this symposium due to the topics being discussed, specifically surrounding sex and body image issues.  I learned that these women are my tribe, they understand this leg of my journey; they understand how I feel when I am scared of cancer coming back, or feeling uncomfortable with the changes in my body from surgeries resulting in scars.

I couldn't be happier that I chose to attend!!!  The panels were informative and engaging, there was encouragement to ask questions, assist other women with their concerns, and just be yourself.  I am blunt, loud, and curse; I am a no holds barred type of gal who isn't for everyone.  However, I felt right at home with a variety of women, some shy, some shy. There are survivors that were diagnosed close to my diagnosis date, there were women with metastatic cancer, there were newly diagnosed women, and women over a decade out from diagnosis.  We were different colored lanyards to identify our status so we could seek each other out.  I really gained a lot from the sessions, I need to live my truth, I don't owe it to any man to discuss my diagnosis.  I really struggle with this..... I want to be up front and talk about myself and my life, but some men don't want to be involved with a women who's gone through this.  They aren't prepared for the physical, emotional, and mental scars; and that's okay!!! I am at times embarrassed to discuss my journey thus far, I don't want pity, or to hear, "But you made it!".  I don't want anyone to look at my breasts and say but at least they look good!  Every time I'm naked, it's a reminder of chemo, surgery, and pain.

At this symposium, a sex therapist suggested writing a letter to your breasts and/or body saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new.  She feels that identifying how your body, and it's parts, assist you in life is helpful for moving to the next stage.  A woman discussed how she's always struggled with loving her stomach, but was able to identify what a wonderful cat throne it is. We had a short session of meditation, focusing on the part of our body that we really struggle with accepting.  I thought it would be my mid section, but it was my right leg that is covered with dog bites that will never heal.  My mid section is only seen by me, doctors, and lovers (or potential lovers). My leg however is seen everyday by everyone.  It's ugly, and really mars my great legs.  I catch people staring at it, wondering what the fuck happened.  During this meditation session, I focused on the fact that I have legs;  I can walk, run, and sit on them; I still look good in a dress, just not the same as before.

The same therapist suggested that during sex, if my partner is uncomfortable with my body, then I can wear lingerie and never take it off.  I feel that this advice was helpful for other women, but for me that isn't an option.  I don't want to have sex where I don't take my clothes off, unless it's really hot, and you're having to be quick. As I stated I am comfortable with my scars, they represent what I've gone through, and I can't wait to get tattoos to represent my journey and beautify myself.  I am not a woman to wear clothing to cover myself up for someone else's benefit.  Again, for some women, this isn't just an option, it could be a life saver for their sex life.  There were many women at the symposium who haven't had sex since surgery because they are scared. How will their bodies feel?  Will they have feeling?  Will anything hurt?  Will their partners be accepting?  What if they only have one breast, or no breasts; will they still be seen as attractive?  What if they had surgery to recreate breasts but there have been complications and their breasts aren't symmetrical?  There are so many issues surrounding your body image after going through a traumatic ordeal.

There was also discussion surrounding women who haven't gone through what we've gone through, but have the same body image issues.  Guys fall into this category too.  Showing your most vulnerable self to a partner is scary as fuck.  What if they notice that stretch mark, what if they hate my new belly button (I kind of wish I wouldn't have gotten one, it's just weird, and literally has no purpose other than me needing to clean it); what if they thought you were thinner but then you take off your shaper and they see rolls, and OMG fat....... I left this symposium with a renewed self worth, I don't it to anyone to discuss my scars unless I'm comfortable, and if they run, it's better to know now. If they want to see what I'm referring to, there are plenty of images on the internet. If they see these images and are horrified, then it's better we get that out of the way.  I don't want to immediately discuss my stop along the journey concerning surgeries and chemo, and it's okay if I tell a guy that exact thing. 

We discussed erotica, different lubricants, and that it's normal to be dry. We all need to be moisturized, from our skin to our interior.  There were tears during this past weekend, women recognizing that what they've been experiencing is normal, and they aren't alone.  My tribe of women have been through so much, but the healing starts with each one of us.  Breast cancer is a small part of Randi, it does not define me.  Yes, I am reminded daily; yes, others remind me; yes, when I look in the mirror I see hair that isn't mine, I see scars that shouldn't be there, I see a tattoo that I chose to get on my right wrist to remind me that I beat cancer, score is 1 Randi and 0 BC.

Fucking dating

Don't do it.... Don't download that app... Don't give out your Kik name.... Just stop. Obviously, I have followed none of this advice. I've been on every dating app from Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Zoosk, eHarmony, Match to Farmers Only. Yes, I do have a Kik account, it's a way to message and share photos without exchanging numbers. I have a Google phone number so I don't give out my real number. I have communicated with obvious spam, guys who only want one thing, or a few things, but not what I want. I have received multiple pics and videos of body parts that I haven't requested. I have worked to engage guys who are so boring, they admit they have nothing to say or contribute. I have questioned my beauty, heart, intelligence, sense of humor and sense of self worth.
I have tried to meet men for coffee, food, or drinks only to learn they will only meet if certain services are guaranteed. I have been solicited, yes, in that way, more than once. I am an expert on calling men out on multiple topics ranging from b.s. to spam to you obviously only want blank.
I have never felt so gross in my life then strangers only complimenting body parts, or providing their view of what I must be good at doing, or what I can provide them.
Caveat.... I only deal with dudes, but I hear chicks aren't much better sometimes.
Online dating and finding a job are synonymous; I'm putting my best foot out there to learn I'm not what they are looking for. I recently deleted every app from my phone because none have been useful. I've paid for sites, used free sites, downloaded recommended sites. I've tried smiling, rewriting my profile, giving the benefit of the doubt. I've felt uncomfortable, been told I'm fat, unattractive, crazy for doing dog and cat rescue, had nasty comments about my scars.
I have story after story of my negative experiences, and yet, I kept trying. Surely, there are decent guys who'd appreciate a woman like me. I'm cute, maybe even pretty, smart, independent, I don't want kids, great dog mom, lived some life, good sense of humor, etc., etc. However, in this hookup culture, these traits go out the window. Am I good in bed, or giving a blow or hand job, do I like anal, how big are my breasts, am I into threesomes, looking to date an open guy or couple, am I comfortable with BDSM, or being dominant, or submissive. On, and on, and on.
Dating in today's society is cruel, unrelenting, and just fucking tough. I've made my list of who I'm looking for and tossed it into the universe, hoping for a happy return. I am focusing on me, finding a job, and organically finding my person. For those still fighting the good fight online, I feel for you and hope your experience trumps mine positively 10 times over. I know my worth, and I'm fucking worth the right guy knowing that and appreciating me for all that I have to offer, including having a great smile and a love of TRex.

2 years...damn

I celebrated 2 years cancer free May 17, 2018!!! Can y'all fucking believe that?!!! I had new and old friends come celebrate with me, it was a joyous day and I felt on top of the world. Two years ago, I made it through my 13 hour surgery to be recliner ridden and in the most severe pain of my life. This year, there was no pain, but there were tears. I don't know any survivors of serious ailments who aren't taken aback that they were spared by this world. I don't know anyone who doesn't tear up when they start down the path of what if..... What if I never asked for my mammogram.... What if insurance hadn't of covered it.... What if I'd only gotten a regular mammogram and not a 3D mammogram.... What if I hadn't of had a supportive work place... What if I hadn't of had such an amazing support system.... What if.... What if.... What if
The important thing is, those what if's are in the past. I am lucky, grateful, and truly heartfelt at the support and love I've received. The world would be a different place without me in it, 😉.
I am grateful to my ex husband, best friends, acquaintances, family, and everyone in between and around the edges for being part of my village. Although May 17th is a milestone for me, it's still a regular day for most of the world. There aren't monuments dedicated to me; there aren't millions of people celebrating my life and victory over cancer; there wasn't a reporter on hand to document post cancer Randi. However.... There are people who have been affected by my diagnosis and recovery.... There are people who celebrate my life as I celebrate theirs.... I have been on TV twice talking about being diagnosed under 40.
Although this date will be special to me until the end of my time; what's been more special are the people that understand and appreciate the significance of the date. I've posted about the importance and memory of three dates associated with my breast cancer, I doubt there will ever be a year where they don't invoke strong emotions. As the survival years pass 2, 3, 10, etc., I am grateful to the people who have hopped on and off this train through its multiple stops. I'm still here bitches, where's our next stop?

It's been a minute....

I haven't posted nearly as often as I did during my cancer leg of my journey. I have failed at posting during my travels, but please know that I have enjoyed each new city and adventure I've been on. I've met amazing people, seen amazing places, and proved to myself that I am as independent as I've always thought. Traveling alone is scary, you are your own resource; as someone who routinely gets lost, the thought of having a dead phone while at dinner in a new location is terrifying. I get lost in Cbus, and have looped 270 more times than I care to admit.
I've stayed in hostels, utilized the app Couchsurfing, learned how to keep my phone charged, and relished the power of being polite and courteous, particularly when needing directions or information. In Seattle, I flew to an island and hiked and canoed while gazing at the luminescence of the ocean. I listened to the wave organ in San Francisco while watching the ships move past. I'm an expert mushroom hunter and sea lion observer from my stay in Oregon. I convinced a friend to take a boat around the bay to view gorgeous homes, sea life, and ocean tranquility in Maine. I fell in love with Austin, the people, the night life, food, and music. I continue to have a love affair with Boston and the ocean that holds my heart hostage, rocky and forbidding. I am still sweating from the humidity of Florida where my best friend forever resides.
The awe and grace of the Grand Canyon will forever take my breath away. I am a Vegas connoisseur after visiting twice within a few months and facing my fears jumping off a tower and riding rides at death defying heights at the top of hotels. I appreciate the beauty and awe inspiring architecture of an old city in Canada where I entered a basilica and left with a renewed passion for that which is old. I visited ruins and old towns in my birthplace in Arizona, and can attest to dry heat....it's fucking hot. I have seen family that I haven't seen for years and felt the love only family can offer, blood or otherwise.
If your heart has been pulling you to travel.... listen. There is so much beauty on this earth, and we only have so much time to view and appreciate. Don't keep that passport locked away, get some stamps, view some wonders of the world, break through your comfort zone. The world is waiting....

Universe

The universe is an ever expanding marvelous place where literally everything calls home. We often throw thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams out into the universe in hopes that it knows best. For some of us, this is equivalent to leaving fate in God's hands, for others, like myself, it's a part of us hoping fate is smiling and willing to provide direction, guidance, or a few million dollars our way. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason; I married to find one of my best friends, I developed cancer to prevent someone who wasn't as strong/didn't have insurance/ didn't have support from having to fight the disease, and my dogs came into my life to teach me love, patience, and strength.
I enjoy reading about the universe, and the multiple theories surrounding this vast space full of everything from goldilock planets to black holes. I too throw hope into the wind hoping the universe will boomerang back some guidance or assistance. Currently, I'm shooting thoughts for a great job, and a great guy into the dark in hopes of receiving some great things.
I have been through a lot in my 38, nearly 39 years, but currently it feels like the toughest test yet. I am hopeful that fate, the universe, the great turtle in the sky will grace me with some happiness and satisfaction, but I'm also realistic that I control my destiny. In this realization is the thought that I need to take the reigns and determine the best direction for my journey to continue.
Although I'm feeling at a loss currently, between my abilities and the mysterious universe, I am confident that a job worthy of my skills, talent, and education will manifest in the nick of time. I am hopeful that the next leg of my journey will be full of smiles, less tears, and reduced stress than the current leg. For those who still believe in destiny, know that I'm riding the same star as you through the galaxy.....past the Milky Way, avoiding black holes, and staying true to my hope that all of the positive thoughts are making their way through the comets and dark matter to return a little bit of light.