Another week gone

I can't believe that it's going to be October soon. This past year has been so crazy; the anniversary of my first mammogram is this Friday, Sept 30th. I could have never imagined that I would be celebrating such a simple test that saved my life. I've been through a lot in my life and really feel it's time for me to have some fucking good luck. It's time for shit to go right, my worrying to decrease, my body to stop being stupid and my life to just get better.
I'm on track to refinance the house, fingers and toes crossed there aren't any issues!! The dogs and I are really needing this to go through, finding a rental that will take us will be so damn difficult if it comes to that. I purchased new floors last week and the household is working on getting ready for them to be installed. We agreed to remove the flooring downstairs and move furniture to help save money. We have to pack up stuff so it can be moved easily and remove the toilets, which sounds awful, but the installers don't even offer the option.
My house dynamic is still a hodge podge of me, four dogs, my soon to be ex husband, sister, her dog, my youngest stepson every other week, and two kittens in the basement. I can't wait for everyone to move out and it just be me and four dogs. I can already imagine being alone...
I plan to contact an attorney next week for the divorce to get that rolling, my union offers a legal plan which is super cheap and helpful.
My test results came back negative/normal for my colonoscopy and pap smear, such a huge sigh of relief. I really am cancer free, feels really good to think and say that out loud. I'm still muddling through life trying to get my work self together and not worry about the other stuff going on... I can't control the refinance, but I can be prepared for the floors. Once I know that the dogs and I have a definite place to live and a timeline can be established for occupants to move, it will be so nice.
Don't get me wrong, we all have a safe place to live as long as we need, but separation does the heart good. Divorce is difficult, emotional, time consuming and a million other things that can't be put into words. Figuring out a way to separate while still living together is not ideal, you're still doing many of the same things and going to the same places. My therapist suggested a timeline of separation so its easier for both parties and not so abrupt that it ruins the opportunity for friendship.
Friendship is key to both of us and we both agree that separation will help us get from marriage to ex's to friends. I also want to be friends with my sister as she starts to embark on her journey from housemate to living on her own. I can be very direct and even come off mean or uncaring at times, I'm hoping I don't lose my valued relationships as I transition from wife to friend, sister to friend, stepmom to friend, married to single, cancer girl to survivor and everything in between.
I'm really, really hopeful that my life is going to turn a corner and throw me a few aces. I will always try to help those less fortunate, but it'd be nice if I could have just a smidge of luck along the way.

7 a.m. Sunday

It has been 16 days since I announced my pending divorce. What have I been up to... Well, bought a new car, love her, named her Snow. Working on a refinance for the house so the dogs and I can stay, Chuck will be looking for a rental so he can move by the end of the year. My sister is also looking for a rental, so soon it will just be me and four dogs (assuming the kittens go to rescue). Yes, kittens, two females approximately 6-8 months old. They are unbelievably sweet, but have got to go. Hazelnut wants to eat them very badly so they have to live in a crate in the basement. Fingers crossed they have a new home soon.
If the refinance doesn't go through, then I will be on the rental market which totally scares me. I don't only have four dogs, two are chows, and considered restricted breeds at many places. I've contacted a few landlords and so far, no luck. If this option becomes reality, I will become an emailing fool with dog resumes in hand. It was hard renting before, I can't imagine now. I will probably be on the lookout for a room mate if we stay in the house, it's a good size for just me. That option seems pretty feasible.
I'm still talking to a therapist which I really enjoy and changed my pills to help with the depression and anxiety. Although I know this divorce is the right choice, I'm still living with my current husband and we are trying to find balance in the room mate/friend zone. We have known each other almost ten years, I don't want this friendship to be thrown away. I know we can save it. It's just going to take time and distance from each other. Finalizing the divorce and living separately will help immensely. I'm not saying it's going to be cake and roses, or in my case, pecan pie and craft beer; but, I am saying we both respect and like each other. We know each other's secrets, likes and dislikes.
I also don't want to throw away the relationship I have with my stepsons. I won't be their stepmom anymore, but being in their lives has definitely changed me for the better. I hope I've changed their's a little for the better too.
I am apprehensive about dating, or even the thought. I haven't been on a date since 1-20-07, when I met Chuck after meeting on MySpace. I read a story in Glamour magazine in the check out line yesterday about women who post in their online dating profile that they are breast cancer survivors. I love that. It's in your face, strong willed, fabulous women saying they've been through a lot but are open about their journey. The idea of sex is really scary, I haven't had much for a long time and it's been painful over the past year when I've tried. When I'm ready to date, there will be interesting conversations and I'm sure I'll meet some dicks.
I started this post at 7 a.m. today, the fluffies woke me up at 630 a.m. for breakfast and outside time. I'm starting out this week with a colonoscopy, woohoo! I can calm my fears about colon cancer. I had my pap last week and am anxiously awaiting those results. I'm hoping negative for those cancers also. One of the worst things about this damn journey is knowing your increased risk for other cancers. I try to not worry or focus on them, but it's hard. After all, a year ago I thought I was cancer free....

Deep breath....

I took a deep breath this week and told my husband I want a divorce. It was hard, it was emotionally draining, it was sad.... it was freeing. We went through this 3 years ago and reconciled, but we didn't really. He moved back into the bedroom but we didn't really. What we did was continue a cycle of being married, living together, but not living. We have known each other for over 9 years. We have been through loss of work, illness, medical issues, working different shifts, losing a home and buying a home, becoming a stepmom, me going through cancer, working full time and going to school full time, going to school while not working due to the course load. We have done it, we have survived, we have also realized that surviving isn't everything.

There is NEVER, a good time to say the words, "I ... Want... A... Divorce". There just isn't. What is a good time is when you finally say those words and the feeling of relief, freedom and just a sense of this is the right course of action comes over you. Ending a marriage sucks....a lot. Feelings are involved, emotions are high, decisions have to be made. But you know what?! It's worth it. I haven't felt so positive about my future happiness. That probably sounds really fucking mean, but I stand by it. I know in my heart and brain that this choice is right; although it will hurt, we will both come out on the other side better. By better, I mean better friends, better people, better to each other.

Going through cancer sucked!!!! It sucked for me, it sucked for my husband, it sucked for my friends and loved ones. However; it does make you realize and understand how truly fragile this life is. I haven't been happy for a long time, he has been happy to an extent but when we really talk, he knows it's the right choice. We love each other and want what's best for each other, but are not in love with each other. What does that mean? For me, wanting to French kiss my spouse; wanting to see them at the end of a day; not wanting them to see other people; feeling happiness due to that relationship.

I am in no way trying to disparage our marriage. We could continue on our path forever. However, this path isn't paved with the stones we both desire and deserve. We both deserve to have someone who loves us as much as we love. Tall order? If course... Life is a tall order. Life isn't guaranteed, life isn't  planned, life isn't a straight arrow. The twists and turns are what make it life.

I wanted to post tonight to calm the worriers, to squelch any rumors (not sure if there are, but covering the bases), to identify that life is life. Cancer Sucks. Being unhappy sucks more, at least for me. This new leg of the journey isn't going to be easy. We own a house. I have two stepsons. I have four dogs, where the fuck can we move to?

But... These things are not reasons to stay married. Everything happens for a reason, and this bump is another opportunity to rise above. Nobody is to blame... Nobody is to hate... Nobody is to feel sorry for... It will work out the way it should. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be awkward at times? Yes. Will we have to live together until our house sells? Unfortunately, Yes. Will we come out stronger? Absofuckinglutely

We are great friends and both of us want to retain that. We both want to support each other; we both want my stepsons to know they are loved; we both want me to find a place to live that will accept four dogs after the house sells, LOL. Most importantly, we both deserve, no, need happiness. We are fucking kickass people who have every right to love ourselves and our path in life. It'll all work out...

It will not be easy, there will be tears, beer, correction craft beer, definitely involved. In the end, Randi will be Randi again and that floats my heart...