It's June 6, 2019 and I am in a bad place. I have been quietly dealing with my depression for months. I have been up and down at work, financially fucked myself, and wanted to secretly drink myself to death. My doctor is concerned about my liver levels, my blood pressure isn't controlled, my mental health is suffering. I schedule transports, Meals on Wheels, and other ways to help others to force myself to leave my house. Helping others has always been my passion, but I've lost my joy. I try to help everyone, but often feel alone when I need help.
I am divorced with a great ex husband, great friends, an amazing Mom, and I can't find anyone to help me when I put out the call.....other than Chuck. I help those who are in bad situations, those who need financial help, animals that can't speak for themselves..... people who need a hand up. My joy is lost.....my self purpose is cloudy. If I didn't have dogs, I would run away. Fuck these bills, fuck these student loans, fuck my constant feeling that if I can help, I should. So many are content not contributing to society.....so many sleep at night without the aid of whiskey....so many don't care if a friend needs help, if it inconveniences them, they don't lose an ounce of sleep, their brains and hearts don't consistently make them feel selfish.
I haven't taken my meds in months, I just don't care. I haven't felt like Randi in months, and I just don't care. I've seen my doctor, we talked about what I need to do.... I told her what I need to do. I need to get back on my medication, go see a therapist, realize that if I don't put on my oxygen mask, how can I put others' on? I know what I need to do; I know what steps to take; I recognize that depression has a grip on me. I know
I am so scared my cancer has returned, or will return. I've lost a few women in my cancer circle over the past year. It's so fucking hard to focus some days.....is that pain a concern, are those labs a concern, why have I had a nasty cough for over six months? Can I just give up and leave? No. Can I just stop paying my bills? No, but I have.
I'm suicidal in the way that I'm done with this stop on my journey.....not jump off a bridge way. I'm depressed and know I am because I'm more self aware than most. I'm resilient in the fact that I've always been able to figure it out.... I can't this time. The hole I've dug is too deep, the choices I've made are too long lasting. Where to go from here?
I have a plan. Therapist appointment scheduled Monday; going to talk to a bankruptcy attorney; stop using the bar as an outlet, get my ass out driving for Uber and Lyft to hustle. Work is getting better.... recognize that online dating isn't real, at least not for me, it's an outlet to share how fucked up being single today is. I have to put my oxygen mask on and be able to breathe before I can expect a partner to join this dumpster fire that is my life. However, dumpster fires can be extinguished and dumpsters can be replaced. I'm not a dumpster....it's a metaphor, lol.
I am really looking at starting a vlog, I'm looking at how to lose weight (I currently don't look great in a dress which is my cue), I'm looking at walking, finding a bike, in some way moving this body. I'm 40 in a few weeks, is that unconsciously bothering me? I didn't think so, but maybe. I'm trying kids.... Please know that I'm probably going to pop off the grid for a few to focus on getting Randi back. She's drowning, but she knows her life rafts. Don't send a search party.....don't organize an intervention.....I'll get myself back, it just may take a hot minute.
