My love

I love you

What does this mean? For me you're important to me... You understand my proclivities.... You understand and appreciate my scars.... You want to see my face when you wake up... You want to hear my accomplishments.... You're appreciative of my failures.... You view my internal and external scars as signs that I've lived life ... You see my beauty when I don't... You view my insecurities as strength when  I can't... You see me as me.... You view my humor as your own .. You view my scars as a accomplishment instead of a deficit... You love me for me...

As a person, this would be ideal...a goal... As a breast cancer survivor, I can only hope. My brain, heart, and soul are your priority as yours are to mine.

We would be each others cake... And we would be satisfied eating each other.

Tribe vs Village- NSFW

This post is in regards to my recent visit to a young breast cancer survivor symposium, if you are one of my nieces, nephews, or a friends parent, please note that there is cursing and some sexual content included.  NSFW means not safe for work

I am one lucky bitch..... I have a village of individuals, friends, previous coworkers, family, and Facebook friends who have followed and supported me during my breast cancer journey.  This village threw me a benefit, took me to appointments, sent words of encouragement, among many, many other things.  This past weekend, I learned the difference between my village and my tribe.  I attended a young survivor coalition symposium where 150 women gathered to share their stories, experiences, and feelings surrounding being a woman under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer.  This organization is celebrating 20 years this year, and this was my first symposium.  I am hesitant to attend anything breast cancer related, because I strive to be a positive person, and a lot of women have a lot of feels surrounding their diagnosis and journey and the event/meeting tends to be negative and fucking sad.  I chose to attend this symposium due to the topics being discussed, specifically surrounding sex and body image issues.  I learned that these women are my tribe, they understand this leg of my journey; they understand how I feel when I am scared of cancer coming back, or feeling uncomfortable with the changes in my body from surgeries resulting in scars.

I couldn't be happier that I chose to attend!!!  The panels were informative and engaging, there was encouragement to ask questions, assist other women with their concerns, and just be yourself.  I am blunt, loud, and curse; I am a no holds barred type of gal who isn't for everyone.  However, I felt right at home with a variety of women, some shy, some shy. There are survivors that were diagnosed close to my diagnosis date, there were women with metastatic cancer, there were newly diagnosed women, and women over a decade out from diagnosis.  We were different colored lanyards to identify our status so we could seek each other out.  I really gained a lot from the sessions, I need to live my truth, I don't owe it to any man to discuss my diagnosis.  I really struggle with this..... I want to be up front and talk about myself and my life, but some men don't want to be involved with a women who's gone through this.  They aren't prepared for the physical, emotional, and mental scars; and that's okay!!! I am at times embarrassed to discuss my journey thus far, I don't want pity, or to hear, "But you made it!".  I don't want anyone to look at my breasts and say but at least they look good!  Every time I'm naked, it's a reminder of chemo, surgery, and pain.

At this symposium, a sex therapist suggested writing a letter to your breasts and/or body saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new.  She feels that identifying how your body, and it's parts, assist you in life is helpful for moving to the next stage.  A woman discussed how she's always struggled with loving her stomach, but was able to identify what a wonderful cat throne it is. We had a short session of meditation, focusing on the part of our body that we really struggle with accepting.  I thought it would be my mid section, but it was my right leg that is covered with dog bites that will never heal.  My mid section is only seen by me, doctors, and lovers (or potential lovers). My leg however is seen everyday by everyone.  It's ugly, and really mars my great legs.  I catch people staring at it, wondering what the fuck happened.  During this meditation session, I focused on the fact that I have legs;  I can walk, run, and sit on them; I still look good in a dress, just not the same as before.

The same therapist suggested that during sex, if my partner is uncomfortable with my body, then I can wear lingerie and never take it off.  I feel that this advice was helpful for other women, but for me that isn't an option.  I don't want to have sex where I don't take my clothes off, unless it's really hot, and you're having to be quick. As I stated I am comfortable with my scars, they represent what I've gone through, and I can't wait to get tattoos to represent my journey and beautify myself.  I am not a woman to wear clothing to cover myself up for someone else's benefit.  Again, for some women, this isn't just an option, it could be a life saver for their sex life.  There were many women at the symposium who haven't had sex since surgery because they are scared. How will their bodies feel?  Will they have feeling?  Will anything hurt?  Will their partners be accepting?  What if they only have one breast, or no breasts; will they still be seen as attractive?  What if they had surgery to recreate breasts but there have been complications and their breasts aren't symmetrical?  There are so many issues surrounding your body image after going through a traumatic ordeal.

There was also discussion surrounding women who haven't gone through what we've gone through, but have the same body image issues.  Guys fall into this category too.  Showing your most vulnerable self to a partner is scary as fuck.  What if they notice that stretch mark, what if they hate my new belly button (I kind of wish I wouldn't have gotten one, it's just weird, and literally has no purpose other than me needing to clean it); what if they thought you were thinner but then you take off your shaper and they see rolls, and OMG fat....... I left this symposium with a renewed self worth, I don't it to anyone to discuss my scars unless I'm comfortable, and if they run, it's better to know now. If they want to see what I'm referring to, there are plenty of images on the internet. If they see these images and are horrified, then it's better we get that out of the way.  I don't want to immediately discuss my stop along the journey concerning surgeries and chemo, and it's okay if I tell a guy that exact thing. 

We discussed erotica, different lubricants, and that it's normal to be dry. We all need to be moisturized, from our skin to our interior.  There were tears during this past weekend, women recognizing that what they've been experiencing is normal, and they aren't alone.  My tribe of women have been through so much, but the healing starts with each one of us.  Breast cancer is a small part of Randi, it does not define me.  Yes, I am reminded daily; yes, others remind me; yes, when I look in the mirror I see hair that isn't mine, I see scars that shouldn't be there, I see a tattoo that I chose to get on my right wrist to remind me that I beat cancer, score is 1 Randi and 0 BC.

Fucking dating

Don't do it.... Don't download that app... Don't give out your Kik name.... Just stop. Obviously, I have followed none of this advice. I've been on every dating app from Bumble, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, Zoosk, eHarmony, Match to Farmers Only. Yes, I do have a Kik account, it's a way to message and share photos without exchanging numbers. I have a Google phone number so I don't give out my real number. I have communicated with obvious spam, guys who only want one thing, or a few things, but not what I want. I have received multiple pics and videos of body parts that I haven't requested. I have worked to engage guys who are so boring, they admit they have nothing to say or contribute. I have questioned my beauty, heart, intelligence, sense of humor and sense of self worth.
I have tried to meet men for coffee, food, or drinks only to learn they will only meet if certain services are guaranteed. I have been solicited, yes, in that way, more than once. I am an expert on calling men out on multiple topics ranging from b.s. to spam to you obviously only want blank.
I have never felt so gross in my life then strangers only complimenting body parts, or providing their view of what I must be good at doing, or what I can provide them.
Caveat.... I only deal with dudes, but I hear chicks aren't much better sometimes.
Online dating and finding a job are synonymous; I'm putting my best foot out there to learn I'm not what they are looking for. I recently deleted every app from my phone because none have been useful. I've paid for sites, used free sites, downloaded recommended sites. I've tried smiling, rewriting my profile, giving the benefit of the doubt. I've felt uncomfortable, been told I'm fat, unattractive, crazy for doing dog and cat rescue, had nasty comments about my scars.
I have story after story of my negative experiences, and yet, I kept trying. Surely, there are decent guys who'd appreciate a woman like me. I'm cute, maybe even pretty, smart, independent, I don't want kids, great dog mom, lived some life, good sense of humor, etc., etc. However, in this hookup culture, these traits go out the window. Am I good in bed, or giving a blow or hand job, do I like anal, how big are my breasts, am I into threesomes, looking to date an open guy or couple, am I comfortable with BDSM, or being dominant, or submissive. On, and on, and on.
Dating in today's society is cruel, unrelenting, and just fucking tough. I've made my list of who I'm looking for and tossed it into the universe, hoping for a happy return. I am focusing on me, finding a job, and organically finding my person. For those still fighting the good fight online, I feel for you and hope your experience trumps mine positively 10 times over. I know my worth, and I'm fucking worth the right guy knowing that and appreciating me for all that I have to offer, including having a great smile and a love of TRex.

2 years...damn

I celebrated 2 years cancer free May 17, 2018!!! Can y'all fucking believe that?!!! I had new and old friends come celebrate with me, it was a joyous day and I felt on top of the world. Two years ago, I made it through my 13 hour surgery to be recliner ridden and in the most severe pain of my life. This year, there was no pain, but there were tears. I don't know any survivors of serious ailments who aren't taken aback that they were spared by this world. I don't know anyone who doesn't tear up when they start down the path of what if..... What if I never asked for my mammogram.... What if insurance hadn't of covered it.... What if I'd only gotten a regular mammogram and not a 3D mammogram.... What if I hadn't of had a supportive work place... What if I hadn't of had such an amazing support system.... What if.... What if.... What if
The important thing is, those what if's are in the past. I am lucky, grateful, and truly heartfelt at the support and love I've received. The world would be a different place without me in it, 😉.
I am grateful to my ex husband, best friends, acquaintances, family, and everyone in between and around the edges for being part of my village. Although May 17th is a milestone for me, it's still a regular day for most of the world. There aren't monuments dedicated to me; there aren't millions of people celebrating my life and victory over cancer; there wasn't a reporter on hand to document post cancer Randi. However.... There are people who have been affected by my diagnosis and recovery.... There are people who celebrate my life as I celebrate theirs.... I have been on TV twice talking about being diagnosed under 40.
Although this date will be special to me until the end of my time; what's been more special are the people that understand and appreciate the significance of the date. I've posted about the importance and memory of three dates associated with my breast cancer, I doubt there will ever be a year where they don't invoke strong emotions. As the survival years pass 2, 3, 10, etc., I am grateful to the people who have hopped on and off this train through its multiple stops. I'm still here bitches, where's our next stop?

It's been a minute....

I haven't posted nearly as often as I did during my cancer leg of my journey. I have failed at posting during my travels, but please know that I have enjoyed each new city and adventure I've been on. I've met amazing people, seen amazing places, and proved to myself that I am as independent as I've always thought. Traveling alone is scary, you are your own resource; as someone who routinely gets lost, the thought of having a dead phone while at dinner in a new location is terrifying. I get lost in Cbus, and have looped 270 more times than I care to admit.
I've stayed in hostels, utilized the app Couchsurfing, learned how to keep my phone charged, and relished the power of being polite and courteous, particularly when needing directions or information. In Seattle, I flew to an island and hiked and canoed while gazing at the luminescence of the ocean. I listened to the wave organ in San Francisco while watching the ships move past. I'm an expert mushroom hunter and sea lion observer from my stay in Oregon. I convinced a friend to take a boat around the bay to view gorgeous homes, sea life, and ocean tranquility in Maine. I fell in love with Austin, the people, the night life, food, and music. I continue to have a love affair with Boston and the ocean that holds my heart hostage, rocky and forbidding. I am still sweating from the humidity of Florida where my best friend forever resides.
The awe and grace of the Grand Canyon will forever take my breath away. I am a Vegas connoisseur after visiting twice within a few months and facing my fears jumping off a tower and riding rides at death defying heights at the top of hotels. I appreciate the beauty and awe inspiring architecture of an old city in Canada where I entered a basilica and left with a renewed passion for that which is old. I visited ruins and old towns in my birthplace in Arizona, and can attest to dry heat....it's fucking hot. I have seen family that I haven't seen for years and felt the love only family can offer, blood or otherwise.
If your heart has been pulling you to travel.... listen. There is so much beauty on this earth, and we only have so much time to view and appreciate. Don't keep that passport locked away, get some stamps, view some wonders of the world, break through your comfort zone. The world is waiting....

Universe

The universe is an ever expanding marvelous place where literally everything calls home. We often throw thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams out into the universe in hopes that it knows best. For some of us, this is equivalent to leaving fate in God's hands, for others, like myself, it's a part of us hoping fate is smiling and willing to provide direction, guidance, or a few million dollars our way. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason; I married to find one of my best friends, I developed cancer to prevent someone who wasn't as strong/didn't have insurance/ didn't have support from having to fight the disease, and my dogs came into my life to teach me love, patience, and strength.
I enjoy reading about the universe, and the multiple theories surrounding this vast space full of everything from goldilock planets to black holes. I too throw hope into the wind hoping the universe will boomerang back some guidance or assistance. Currently, I'm shooting thoughts for a great job, and a great guy into the dark in hopes of receiving some great things.
I have been through a lot in my 38, nearly 39 years, but currently it feels like the toughest test yet. I am hopeful that fate, the universe, the great turtle in the sky will grace me with some happiness and satisfaction, but I'm also realistic that I control my destiny. In this realization is the thought that I need to take the reigns and determine the best direction for my journey to continue.
Although I'm feeling at a loss currently, between my abilities and the mysterious universe, I am confident that a job worthy of my skills, talent, and education will manifest in the nick of time. I am hopeful that the next leg of my journey will be full of smiles, less tears, and reduced stress than the current leg. For those who still believe in destiny, know that I'm riding the same star as you through the galaxy.....past the Milky Way, avoiding black holes, and staying true to my hope that all of the positive thoughts are making their way through the comets and dark matter to return a little bit of light.

Austin vs Cbus

I returned from an awesome week in Austin, Texas knowing that relocating back to my home state was the absolute right choice for me!  I love the weather, the people, the vibe, the open mindedness, the lake, and dogs that were everywhere!!  I reconnected with a friend from high school and my favorite cousin and his fiance.  I met a couple of new friends and found a realtor I really like. We drove around the city looking at small rentals for the price of my current mortgage and discussing how big a yard my dogs need and how will I fit all of my shoes. It was a true testament to the amazingly hot housing market, including rental, in Austin.  I saw duplexes, single family homes, places that were 700 and 800 square feet.  Each visit made me wonder how I'm going to down size, there aren't basements and very few garages in that city.  Where would I store Christmas and my rescue stuff? 

I met such nice people at each bar and restaurant I visited.  I enjoyed walking around the lake seeing tons of people out being healthy, walking their dogs, running, and bicycling. It made me imagine myself enjoying the fresh air, walking, checking out new spots. I loved driving around the city in my rental car imagining myself driving during rush hour, going tubing on the lazy river nearby to Austin. I have always thought that I would return home, I've been in Ohio 18 years, and never admitted to myself that this place is home.  I've lived in my current home for the longest amount of time at one address, I can't believe I've made it through a few licenses not changing the address. I have made nearly every friend I have in Ohio, the thought of starting over to find new friends at 38 is scary as hell.  I have a friend who transfers with her job every few years and is resilient and makes new friends in each city she lives.  I know that I can do the same, but I'm trying to decide if I want to. 

Is my want to move to Austin because I've always told myself I would go home someday?  I'm trying to figure out why I haven't identified Ohio as home.  I can hike trails here, go to dog friendly restaurants, hang out with my friends, and keep my furniture and my house where my dogs are welcome.  I can continue working out, when I'm cleared to do so which feels like forever, I'm still in pain from surgery.  I am able to go to a professional hockey game, every now and then catch a Longhorns game when a sports channel has some sense, continue my work in rescue and transport to Mansfield, Ashland, and on occasion North Carolina, in Cbus. I'm watching The Mindy Project currently, highly recommend it's on Hulu, and the main characters fiance suggests moving to Austin and finding a weekly barbecue joint.  I am a pescatarian, there aren't too many bbq spots that welcome "my kind", lol.

I'm worried that I've been running since leaving my job and am very scared of returning to reality.  I've thoroughly enjoyed traveling, waking up whenever the fuck I want, reconnecting with family and friends, and seeing parts of this country I never thought I would.  I am concerned that I won't find a great job with great benefits that I truly enjoy.  Perhaps I'm just trying to keep running by moving to another city, and starting over, except I'd have to sell my house, downsize considerably, find a job, find a place that will take my dogs, leave most of my friends, identify that I'm from Ohio but really Dallas although I've been gone nearly two decades.  Cancer really fucked with my head, and I know that I wouldn't have made a lot of choices I've made if I hadn't gone through the journey.  However, I'm still positive that the journey has continued through twists and turns for a reason, I don't regret any of my decisions.

I'm not sure where I'll be in a month, the next quarter, or 2019. What I do know is that I'm going to continue being open to new experiences, feeling okay if I change my mind, comfortable with people questioning my choices, okay with feeling alone (although it feels pretty often), and moving into 2018 with fervor and excitement. Although my year started with another fucking surgery, obvious confusion about my future, and yet more fucking awful online dating experiences...... it's going to be okay, life is going to work out, and the next stop on my journey will present itself as the universe feels it needs to.

Austin city limits

I have really struggled with a plan on what to do since I left my job and started my hiatus.  I have talked about moving, selling my house, and starting over. I have nothing holding me in Columbus; the housing market is strong so selling my house should be easy, I don't have kids, I'm not married, I don't have a job to leave. I've talked about leaving Ohio since I arrived, I never in my wildest dreams imagined I'd be in this state for nearly two decades.  I have been extremely lucky to have had great jobs, met my best friends, been married, been a stepmother, become a home owner, and get involved in dog and cat rescue. I have had ups and downs, sideways adventures, heartbreak, heart revival, learned that I really can do anything from surviving cancer to earning a Master's degree. I am at a point where I need a change, I want to do something different, go somewhere new.

I've decided to leave Ohio and move to Austin, Texas.  I've missed my home state since I left at the age of 20, and although a good portion of the state is conservative and old white men rule, Austin has stayed weird and I love it.  I always have a great time when I visit, and I've said if I returned to Texas, it would be to Austin. I plan to apply to law school at UT, I could finally become a real longhorn!  Obviously there is a lot of planning to do, like find a job, a place to live, sell my house, tell my hot flashes to calm it down. I'm excited, scared, and ready for this next chapter.  Although I will miss everyone in Ohio, I'm a plane ride away, and it's going to be a couple of months before I roll out.  I'm going to start studying for the LSAT, I have study materials ordered and being shipped from Amazon.  I've always thought I wanted to be a veterinarian when I grow up, but really, I just want to help animals, and people in need. I feel being a lawyer will open up so many opportunities for me to make a difference in the areas I care about.  Mind you, being accepted to law school is hard..... being accepted to UT Austin is harder. I may move down there and never be accepted, but I know that moving from Ohio is definitely my next chapter.

I am flying to Austin at the end of the month, there's a law day at the university I would like to attend, and I want to wander around the city a little. I'll be staying at a hostel, this time I booked a co-ed room which will be interesting.  I am so excited to start this new adventure!!!

Travel, travel, travel

My last day at my job was August 4th, five months ago!  I can't believe that I actually followed through leaving a government job, traveling, and enjoying the hell out of myself during this hiatus.  I have been to Seattle, Oregon, San Francisco, Abilene and Austin Texas, Boston, Maine, New Hampshire, Florida, Montreal, Vegas x 2, and the Grand Canyon.  I loved the east and west coasts, that is the ocean I aspire to stare at and find my peace.  I was able to see friends, family, and meet new people.  I wouldn't say I have the travel bug, but I was proud of myself for staying in hostels, walking in new cities alone, seeing amazing art, sharing my pictures, and learning more about this great nation.  Although my BFF lives in Florida, it has been confirmed that it's much too hot there.  I loved Boston, but the cost of living is crazy, and those winters..... I loved Oregon, but where I would want to live is outside the city, slim pickings on jobs. I went mushroom picking, visited Crater Lake (despite a white out, the drive there and back was gorgeous), hiked along beaches, and saw life everywhere I turned from sea lions within reach to organisms in cracks within the beach along the ocean.  Seattle was a blast, I met a guy with a plane, and we went to an island with his dog and a friend to stay at his cabin.  I was in a canoe for the first time, rode in a small plane for the first time, and saw luminescence in the ocean for the first time (it's beautiful). I gambled one time in Vegas, and confirmed that I'm not a gambler, but I am a bit of a dare devil (confirmed by jumping off the Stratosphere). I was able to meet my favorite cousin and his fiancé in Austin and confirm how much I love that city. I can verify that Abilene isn't a place for single people, but the families that live there love it.  

I've been to a few concerts, met some local comedians and expanded my night outs to include comedy shows in craft stores. I have reflected on why I left the City, why I chose to jump into life with both feet, and a basic outline of a plan.  I have been able to get back involved in rescue, and have helped save the lives of quite a few puppies, dogs, cats, and kittens.  I have discovered that I'm not a good home body; I prefer to be out, meeting new people, learning about new experiences, discovering the city I've lived in for 17 years.  Columbus has grown exponentially since I moved here, the beer and food scenes are on point, the comedy scene is amazing, and there is always something to do.  It's been nice to travel knowing I have a home to return to, I don't think I could be a vagabond. I hate to admit it, but my traveling lifestyle will soon be behind me.  I have one more trip to Florida planned next week, otherwise I'm on the job boards, updating my resume, trying to find a position that would value me as much as I'd like to value the job and organization.  I don't know if I'll go back to government, or even stay in the same industry. I'd love to find a new challenge, something that uses my knowledge and experiences for the greater good. I'll settle for a position if I have to, money doesn't grow on trees after all, but I'm hoping to hold out as long as I can for the right position.  I'm extremely grateful for the past few months, traveling has been more fun than I imagined. 

New Year's Day

As I'm sitting here eating Jell-O and drinking vegetable broth, preparing for my colonoscopy and upper endoscopy tomorrow, my heart is heavy.  Today, the 1st day of 2018, a friend is grieving her husband who passed away suddenly yesterday, and another friend is across the country saying goodbye to his mother as she succumbs to cancer.  There are few to no words capable of describing what they are going through; it is hard to see those you care about suffer knowing you can do nothing for them.  The first day of a new year always feels like an opportunity to do anything to improve yourself, to take those to do's off the list and get them done, to take a hard look at your life and make a conscious choice to change what's negative, throw away toxic people, start taking charge of your health, begin looking for a job or career that fulfills your heart and soul.  This day is just a day, any one of us are capable of making these changes throughout the year, on a Wednesday, or in June.  The beginning of a new year feels like a fresh start, you've never lived in 2018 before, you've never woken up on this January 1st. I'm not one for resolutions, if you want to change, improve, make better choices, do it.  Don't wait for the start of a month, or a Monday, or a new year.  Look at yourself in the mirror and decide that today, this moment, is your chance.

I started this blog over 2 years ago, which seems insane to me.  I've continued to go through so much since the date I was diagnosed, and I continue to struggle and work through my failures and faults.  In 2018, my goal was to not have a surgery, however the opportunity presented itself to have a breast reduction and cut out some scar tissue that threatens my self-esteem daily.  This surgery is elective, to a point, I don't have to have it to cure cancer, or acid reflux, or prevent cancer.  This surgery is to improve my mental health, help me move past what cancer has done to my body.  I'm starting out 2018 with goals I've always had, improve myself, mentally, emotionally, physically.  This year, I am going to continue to evolve and identify what's important to me, reach on my tip toes to touch the stars that often feel just out of reach.  I have officially been single for a year, and I've learned a lot about how fragile I can be when a guy rejects me, ghosts on me, or is just plain mean to me. I value my self-confidence, it is one of my greatest qualities, and plan to continue being awesome into the New Year.

I hope that each of you were able to wake up this morning knowing you had another day ahead, another day to hug your loved ones, call those in your life who are far (physically or emotionally). If you have chosen to identify resolutions to yourself, keep them realistic, and actionable.  I will continue going to the gym, regardless of how much I truly hate working out; I will continue feeding my soul through volunteering and helping those who can't help themselves; I will continue searching for a career that makes me happy, and want to go to work each day; I will continue trying to be a good friend, daughter, sister; I will make 2018 a year to remember.