D-i-v-o-r-c-e-d

You read that right, I'm divorced... After 8 1/2 years, my marriage has officially ended. A decade long relationship has turned into a friendship. Although we both feel our marriage ended a few years ago, or longer, it became official at 8:31 a.m. today. For those that have never divorced, the amount of time it takes to get married is significantly longer. Our appointment was at 8:30, the judge asked a few yes or no questions from both of us, agreed to the divorce, signed the document and bam! No more husband and wife.

Although I can come off as a bitch, emotionless, hard and cold.... I do recognize that today is not an average day. A union has ended. My reign as stepmother has ended, at least officially. My partner is now a friend. My heart is free to search, wander... conquer. I totally high fived him after the hearing, I'm not sure what would have been appropriate but a high five is my go to.

I feel strange, excited, relieved, happy and a little sad. I still want the best for him and in a way am sorry I wasn't the best. 2016 has been such a roller coaster; cancer, chemo, becoming cancer free, big surgery, divorce, figuring out who I am again. Today, December 29th, I became a single woman heading to Boston to celebrate the new year. Today I moved from wife to friend. My status changed from stepmom to other mom as Nate describes me. I changed from living with my husband to living with a male room mate.

In true Randi fashion, I had coffee with a good friend and came to a bar for a beer and whiskey. It's nice being in an empty bar; I'm able to listen to the music, enjoy my IPA and blog in peace. I know that I will internally process my divorce at my own pace; I will work through any feelings that appear; I will grieve the old in hope of the new. I highly recommend marriage to those that want a partner in crime, a best friend who they love to kiss, a body they want to sleep next to, a person to grow old with after the body, and possibly mind, fail.

I am quite confident I shouldn't have gotten married, I think our relationship changed the minute I Do's were said. I'm just not marriage material I don't think. As I venture into dating, this is a fact I feel comfortable and confident in sharing. I was told recently that I can be intimidating, scary and hard to talk to. I come off as a my way or the highway kind of gal; this doesn't concern me. I am who I am. A friend yesterday told me that you either love me or are scared of me. I imagine many of you understand this sentiment. I am strong, stubborn, independent and for the most part know what I want. I like my coffee black, beer hoppy, whiskey straight and dresses A-line. I love craft beer, making a difference in dog and cat rescue, being a dog mom, a good friend and am proud that I'm loud. I am honest, up front, talkative and straight forward. I'm not for everyone, but not everyone is for me. I wear a smile more than a frown and would rather have a beer than argue.

I'm now classified as a young divorced breast cancer survivor. 2016 has changed me in ways I can't describe, and don't want to. I'm working towards going with the flow, loving myself and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I'm looking forward to 2017, how will my story change? What new chapters will be started and closed? As always, thank y'all for your love and support. I wish each of you a happy new year; be safe, but a little wild. End your 2016 chapter on a high note.

Online Dating

Dudes, online dating is cray cray!! That is the only way to describe millions of people trying to pick the best free site to meet "the one", a hook up, someone to date, someone to talk to, a friend. The number of sites out there is mind blowing, there are so many you've never heard of (and a few you don't want to hear about). I've talked to a few guys, if their profiles are true, and one guy on the phone. I've received two dick pics, one bottom pic, an option to be eaten (yeah like that, literally the first thing he sent as a message), a few opportunities for long term relationships long distance, a supposed military dude in Nigeria (is he a prince?), the disbelief that I don't want children, confusion why I don't want to jump into a long term anything, an option from a dude for a threesome and a few other surprises.

I was asked to be a side piece today, so that rocked. He was extremely polite and
seemingly honest about being married looking for someone he has chemistry with because he has little communication or intimacy in his current marriage. Although I appreciated his honesty, if that's what it is, I'm not a side piece. However, a friend pointed out I would have to build up to side piece status based on his messages.... I'm a damn good side piece, I don't work up to that status! ;-)

One dude contacted me and my sister and per her description, he thinks you're an item after the first date. I haven't talked to him since, he mysteriously never contacted me again.  I've chatted with a few guys only to find their profiles have been deleted a few minutes prior. I've sent messages to guys who may have something in common with me, and they don't respond but continue to view my profile.... It's a fine line between being open but not too open. I'm a talker and want to believe that most people are good (even after all I've seen in life and rescue). I want to trust that those I talk to online are genuinely looking for a friend, girlfriend, an opportunity. Supposedly I'm a guys pen pal now, he has emailed me a few times.... But his profile has since been deleted.

I chatted with a guy who asked if I found him attractive, I didn't, and said so politely but that I enjoy making new friends. He responded with, "Hmmm", and never responded again. I felt bad but didn't want to lie, I'm not good at it. I'm talking to an Army guy stationed in Boston. I enjoy chatting but there's always the possibility he isn't real. He has shared a couple videos of himself but it could be that he's downloading random videos. It's so weird to think that people do this, they purposefully try to trick people. He's seriously cute if that's him, but he's looking for long term; we are still chatting... I remember IMing and assuming everyone was honest. Now there are scams to pull at your heart strings, just be mean, extort money from well meaning souls looking for love and/or companionship.

I'm just chatting, seeing who's out there beyond the bar scene (let's face it, I hang out at the only two good places in GC). I'm 37, not 27, I have a career, home, dogs, scars, baggage and too tired for one night stands. I don't want a knight on a white horse, maybe an employed fella with a good sense of humor in a decent vehicle with a place to live. I don't need a savior, I'm independent, I'm smart, I'm not sending money to a Nigerian Prince but I need someone of substance, and who I'm attracted to, to message me or at least respond.

I've received messages from so many short guys, I'm 5'5; where are the dudes at least 5'10 (requirement changed from 6') without kids (or with older kids) ?! Where are the guys in Cbus, not Alabama, NY or Texas? I would like a cup of coffee, a movie date, someone to hit up a new brewery. I don't want to become a wife, mom, stepmom, long distance lover; I just want a local tallish dude with some decent attributes for a date. I've only been online for a few weeks, it's early but daunting to say the least.

As I continue to traverse my new path, I'm still optimistic, my new meds are finally kicking in and I'm open to new opportunities. I'm pretty open on my online profile and have a couple cute pics; I'm working on more, but most of my pics are of me with little to no hair. I'll keep updating y'all on my journey.....

The Holidays

It's been well over a month since my last blog post.  I would like to say that I've been busy globetrotting, rescuing, winning the lottery, falling in love or many of the other fabulous things I dream of. The reality is, I've been busy, depressed, anxious, lonely and in a place that has been hard to get out of.  I've tried climbing, hiding, medicating, crying and anything else I can think of, or not have to think of, in order to make it through.  I'm in a really weird place; going through a divorce, celebrating being over 6 months cancer free, adjusting to my new body, working through emotions of becoming single after a decade long relationship, working through my current living arrangement with my younger sister, soon to be ex-husband and youngest stepson, home renovations to make my house my home, feeling stalled at work with few options of advancement, and the other issues of daily life.

I am having an issue moving forward, just getting out of bed has become a personal chore. Luckily, I have made the decision to move forward to my next phase of medication for estrogen blocking allowing me to return to my beloved Cymbalta. The Effexor that I was on allowed me to take Tamoxifen, an estrogen blocker, but didn't work for my anxiety or depression.  The Effexor was supposed to help with my hot flashes, but I still sweat, carry a fan and am generally uncomfortable most of the time so it didn't make sense to remain on medication that wasn't helping.  The downside is I'm now on a monthly injection and daily medication throwing me into full blown menopause at the ripe age of 37.  It's been two weeks today since I've returned to Cymbalta, I am feeling better and trying to get out of bed on a daily basis.  This past week I returned home to Texas to help my Mother empty her 3 bedroom home to move most of her belongings to my house so she can fulfill her dream of selling her home and becoming a full time RVer. This is a crazy, fantabulous idea that I'm jealous of, worried about and excited for her to start her adventure.

This past week I flew home with my younger sister and we went through my Mom's entire house, garage and shed and drove back a 20' UHaul filled to the max with furniture, clothes, Christmas decorations, memories, memories and more memories. The visit was emotional, we went through childhood clothes, stuffed animals, schoolwork and so many other items that brought back good and bad times. I have made the drive to and/or from Texas to Ohio well over a dozen times in my life, but this may have been my last drive.  I regretted not taking my Blueberry's ashes with me, he currently rests on my mantle with the ashes of Teddy and Harlee, but I want to spread him on the drive between here and home.  He made the drive with me multiple times and it seemed fitting to spread him between his two homes, but alas I forgot to pack him. I am always excited when I land in Texas, it's my home, where I grew up, where I went to school, where I had my first boyfriend, fiancé, break up, apartment, etc., etc. Once my Mother is gone, will I visit anymore?  I don't know. I may not have any reason to which is weird and a little unsettling.  Ohio may officially become my home....

I am having a lot of issues surrounding getting dressed and feeling confident, which isn't like me, I normally have a smile and feel I'm an awesome woman.  Lately, I just feel ugly, manly and not attractive.  I hate my short hair, it isn't a style I would have ever chosen; it isn't a cut that I would have ever dared to try; it isn't hair that makes me feel confident, sexy or pretty; I miss my long hair. I appreciate everyone that feels the style makes me look attractive, but it just isn't me.  I hate my scars, I feel like I have more every day or they are getting darker and more noticeable.  My dog bites are reopening, probably because Pepper licks them at night, but it's annoying and they seem to not lighten or lessen.  My stomach scar is just as dark as it was when it appeared after my surgery in May.  My breasts are tender and hurt often, they aren't comfortable and the scars on one breast are deeper than the other.  I feel my drain scars every time I put on a bra. My right side is still tender and swollen, I'm awaiting permission from a doctor and insurance to start physical therapy to reduce the swelling and hopefully alleviate the pain.  I go to get checked for lymphedema every couple months and so far so good.

I finished my last infusion a couple of weeks ago, it's wonderful to know that I don't have to plan to go to have medicine injected into my port every three weeks.  However, I traded this infusion for a monthly injection, yeahhhh....  I need to reschedule my revision surgery to correct my reconstruction, it's a minor surgery but will still need time off work to complete.  I need to schedule my hysterectomy, I'm asked each time I see a doctor related to cancer when it's scheduled and I'm reminded that it needs to be sooner than later.  The likeliness of my cancer returning is strong and worrisome, I just need time to get this done.  I need vacation time, sick time, personal leave; you know, leave to take time off work but still get paid.  Every time I have a day available, it's used in one fashion or another.  I am working long days to make up for time taken off, whether it's because I'm sick, doing something for the house, going out of town, balancing doctor appointments; there just isn't enough time.

I am trying to stay positive, telling myself that my life is great; I even posted a list of why I'm thankful for the next month to remind myself of everything I have outside my desk.  The list is easy to fill, the reasons flow easily, I truly am a lucky bitch.  I just need to start each day reminding myself that I'm blessed, for those that suffer from depression or other issues, you know that even these healing thoughts don't always help you get out of bed, shower and get your day started.

I am excited about New Years, I'm flying to Boston to spend the weekend with two great friends in their beautiful home!!!  I have never visited the city and what a great way to start the New Year!!  I'm always telling myself that I'm lucky; I'm in a great place; I have amazing friends; I'm going through an amicable divorce that allows us to remain friends; I have an amazing Mom who is going through her own struggles but working to support me; I have a kickass job that allows flexibility, great pay, great benefits; I have a beautiful home that I'm making more beautiful with improvements; I have wonderful dogs that make my heart smile; I have hair; I have breasts; I am cancer free; I am alive.

Walks...

Y'all, I just participated in my first organized walk that I can remember. This may or may not mean that I've participated in similar walks in the past, I just can't literally remember. I rock at donating, raising funds and awareness for the cause but when it comes to actually walking, I would rather sleep in, stay out late, transport rescue dogs or many other things than walk. Well, today was a cause that personally affects me, not that others haven't affected me through friends or family, but today was my first breast cancer walk ever.
What does this mean to me... It means I donated and walked for a cause that could have ended my life. It means for the first time I rolled my ass out of bed early on a Sunday after being out late, got dressed, grabbed Hazelnut and Chuck (soon to be ex husband) and met my kickass friend Lyndsay to walk for breast cancer. We walked to help fund breast cancer research, raise awareness, inspire women to get mammograms (especially those under 40), we walked to celebrate my life and survivorship and that of so many other women. We walked...
I had a tutu made for the event, props to Melanie Oliver, for making said tutu. I used a tutu for my stone goose to go around my black chow chow Hazelnut's neck so she, as a cancer survivor, would also enjoy a brisk Sunday walk. We all had pink on, signed petitions, wrote who we were supporting on signs and stickers (me, :-)), and took off with other survivors and supporters to cheers, screams, prayers and everything else people could do to show that breast cancer doesn't define us... Breast cancer is a disease that can be treated... Breast cancer can be researched the hell out of to find a cure... Breast cancer isnt everything, it's only something... Something we can conquer, rise against, and beat.
Did we walk the whole way, absolutely not. I'm hella out of shape and Hazelnut was tired, but we made it about half way. Prior to the walk I had the honor of being interviewed by a local news channel. They were looking for a recent survivor and being 5 months cancer free, I fit the bill. It was awesome to tell my story of being diagnosed, the past year, share photos and just be recognized as a recent survivor. It was amazing to be surrounded by other survivors, I heard my breast surgeon was even there, that's flipping awesome.
Today helped me realize I need to up my BC survivor game with shoes and pants appropriate for the event. It also helped me realize I'm straight out of shape and that needs to become a priority pronto. I can't thank Chuck and Lyndsay enough for joining me today. It was humbling knowing people in my life care about me enough to wake up early and walk. As a sucky waker upper, thank y'all for waking up early for me. It means the world.
To the rest of y'all, get your mammograms!!!!! Find a cause that makes you want to wake up early on a Sunday to walk. Find a fight worthy of your dollars and dedication. We all know I'm a huge supporter of rescue, but that doesn't mean other issues aren't close to my heart. If it isn't worth a tutu, keep it moving, you'll find your tutu event soon enough.

I'm there....

I am at the point where I just want to get in my car and drive. No destination in mind, just go. Leave my life for a few months and explore, feel, think, really consider my options, really review my life. I would obviously come back, I have a house and four dogs. However, just the thought of truly getting away is so enticing. The only things stopping me are money, my job, the house and my dogs. These are pretty big reasons why I can't just go, but this thought is present in my dreams.
I dreamed recently that I just shoved everything off my desk, screamed, "I'm fucking done!", transferred all of my money to my soon to be ex husband to care for the house and dogs and I got in my Escape, and escaped. I knew in my dream I would be back, but in that moment, I felt so free and capable of accomplishing anything. Yes, it was a dream, but dreams often are our subconscious working through issues lurking in the background. This dream wasn't realistic, I can't leave a great job with no money and just drive away. It doesn't work like that. I'm not a Kardashian, with money for no reason, able to get on my private jet and soar to a new destination. I'm Randi, owner of a Ford Escape, house in Grove City, program manager for local government, and dog mom to four furkids. My life is here, in the now, no matter how much I would love to take a break, it isn't in the cards.
I am sure many, many other people feel the same, possibly for better reasons. It would be nice if there was a pot of money available for this exact reason, to just take a hiatus from life, or at least current life. You would continue living...
For now, I just keep doing exactly that, living. Going through the motions, finding joy where I can. Exploring my current city, learning more at my job, figuring out where my part is in rescue and dealing with issues as they arise. My boss recently told me I live in a state of chaos, and she was so right. I am used to having my world swirling, constantly worrying about one thing or another. Never really having calm in my life, it is exhausting. Every time I think I am through one trial, there is another just waiting to take my time and resolve. At some point, I must be creating these situations, at some point I should have the opportunity to take control. I'm just not sure how. My life has always felt like a challenge, constantly battling foes, facing demons and working through a maze. It's a continuous game that I never win.
I need to work on how to get to the end through a less convoluted route. It's like the book, Who Moved My Cheese, there's a better way, I just need to find it.

On my own again...

Good morning peeps! It's Saturday, October 15th, and what an eventful week. My divorce papers were filed Monday, the refinance of the house was Tuesday and my new vinyl plank floors were delivered this morning. In my attempt to do shit on my own, I signed up for Beer and Donuts through the Columbus Craft Beer Alliance without Chuck. My goal was to come to an event I'm interested in to meet other people that are also interested in the same things. Turns out only couples are attending so I'm enjoying my beer and donuts solo which is fine.
I'm trying to do more on my own so it isn't always Chuck and Randi. For those that have gotten out of long term relationships, this should sound familiar. We are both working towards separation while remaining good friends. I'm excited and scared to be divorced, D Day is December 22nd.
I am nearly through with Herceptin, only two more infusions! I am looking forward to no longer planning a visit to the infusion center every three weeks. It's hard to believe it was a year ago this past Wednesday when I was diagnosed. So much has happened in the past year. I still have hot flashes and am on a higher dose of Effexor to combat them. I have crazy hair, it's short but puffy in the middle. I might need to get a trim...
I am starting to feel more normal but I still mention my cancer about once a week. I think it will be awhile before it isn't at the forefront of my thoughts. I attended a conference this week and it was nice not to be bald or newly diagnosed like last year. Although everyone I meet is always super supportive and nice, it's good to just be Randi.
Chuck is ready to date, and I'm happy for him, he deserves someone that makes him happy. I'm not ready, no idea when I will be, but I'll just trust my instincts and go with the flow. I feel like I have so much baggage that I just don't want to talk about. Trust is hard to offer, it feels like a daunting task to actually find someone to talk to especially when you're aware that there's a lot to say. A lot to discuss. A lot of judgment that could be involved. Just not in the mood.
For New Years Eve, I was planning to see my BFF in Florida but the flight cost was too much so Chuck suggested a party at the house. Originally, I really didn't want to ring in the new year with my ex husband, but where else would I be? Particularly if our friends are able to come over. These new floors should be enjoyed by everyone!
As usual, I'm taking it one minute at a time, one day, one week.

Dude, its October 4th

I am coming up on the first anniversary of finding out I had cancer, Oct 12th. It's been such a crazy year, it doesn't feel like a year has even passed. Time moved so slow during chemo and waiting for surgery, then being off work to recover. Now, it's October, I'm paying for my divorce attorney tomorrow, my floors are getting installed in two weeks and the refinance is hopefully going to be next week. My soon to be ex husband and I have had some good conversations that really needed to happen. We've decided that he and his son will live here through the school year. It will help us both financially, allow my stepson to continue his normal routine and I'll have a helper when I get my hysterectomy next year. I know I just posted about wanting everyone to move the hell out, but then reality kicks in and this just makes more sense. Now, my sister, her dog and the kittens need to roll. I love her but we are not compatible room mates, which is totally okay. I'm trying to help her find a decent apartment in a safe area for what she can afford. The rental market is cray cray, as Jillian would say, and it's hard to find the right place but I'm confident she will. The kittens have to be out in a week so I can keep the dogs in the basement while the floors are being installed. A rescue has said they'll take them, fingers crossed! Those poor girls are sick of being cooped up in a crate. I let them out when I feed them and they had no desire to go back in, I hope they have some freedom soon.
My anxiety is still out of whack, I really miss my cymbalta, but I think it'll get better once the next few weeks are done. My last post was about me having some good luck.... Well my damn appraisal came in $3,000 less than I needed which just sucks. These floors aren't paying for themselves but I'll figure something out, I always do. I'm still a mess at work, I'm trying to get myself together but some days it's just too much and too unhappy to go there. I'm an adult who has a big girl job with kickass benefits, absolutely no reason to complain. I just can't get back in the groove. It's really, really annoying.
I was supposed to start at the YMCA tonight for their LiveStrong program and totally didn't. You're only supposed to miss two classes and I already have a few conflicts so I'm gonna try again when it's offered next year. This doesn't mean I don't need to go, I totally do; I need to figure out a way to lose weight and get healthy. The hardest part is doing it. I know how to eat healthy, how to walk, hell I own a treadmill. I just don't have the motivation. My dresses are fitting a little tighter so that should help motivate me some.
I could really just use some time away.... Time to regroup.... Time to relax... Time to reflect...just time

Another week gone

I can't believe that it's going to be October soon. This past year has been so crazy; the anniversary of my first mammogram is this Friday, Sept 30th. I could have never imagined that I would be celebrating such a simple test that saved my life. I've been through a lot in my life and really feel it's time for me to have some fucking good luck. It's time for shit to go right, my worrying to decrease, my body to stop being stupid and my life to just get better.
I'm on track to refinance the house, fingers and toes crossed there aren't any issues!! The dogs and I are really needing this to go through, finding a rental that will take us will be so damn difficult if it comes to that. I purchased new floors last week and the household is working on getting ready for them to be installed. We agreed to remove the flooring downstairs and move furniture to help save money. We have to pack up stuff so it can be moved easily and remove the toilets, which sounds awful, but the installers don't even offer the option.
My house dynamic is still a hodge podge of me, four dogs, my soon to be ex husband, sister, her dog, my youngest stepson every other week, and two kittens in the basement. I can't wait for everyone to move out and it just be me and four dogs. I can already imagine being alone...
I plan to contact an attorney next week for the divorce to get that rolling, my union offers a legal plan which is super cheap and helpful.
My test results came back negative/normal for my colonoscopy and pap smear, such a huge sigh of relief. I really am cancer free, feels really good to think and say that out loud. I'm still muddling through life trying to get my work self together and not worry about the other stuff going on... I can't control the refinance, but I can be prepared for the floors. Once I know that the dogs and I have a definite place to live and a timeline can be established for occupants to move, it will be so nice.
Don't get me wrong, we all have a safe place to live as long as we need, but separation does the heart good. Divorce is difficult, emotional, time consuming and a million other things that can't be put into words. Figuring out a way to separate while still living together is not ideal, you're still doing many of the same things and going to the same places. My therapist suggested a timeline of separation so its easier for both parties and not so abrupt that it ruins the opportunity for friendship.
Friendship is key to both of us and we both agree that separation will help us get from marriage to ex's to friends. I also want to be friends with my sister as she starts to embark on her journey from housemate to living on her own. I can be very direct and even come off mean or uncaring at times, I'm hoping I don't lose my valued relationships as I transition from wife to friend, sister to friend, stepmom to friend, married to single, cancer girl to survivor and everything in between.
I'm really, really hopeful that my life is going to turn a corner and throw me a few aces. I will always try to help those less fortunate, but it'd be nice if I could have just a smidge of luck along the way.

7 a.m. Sunday

It has been 16 days since I announced my pending divorce. What have I been up to... Well, bought a new car, love her, named her Snow. Working on a refinance for the house so the dogs and I can stay, Chuck will be looking for a rental so he can move by the end of the year. My sister is also looking for a rental, so soon it will just be me and four dogs (assuming the kittens go to rescue). Yes, kittens, two females approximately 6-8 months old. They are unbelievably sweet, but have got to go. Hazelnut wants to eat them very badly so they have to live in a crate in the basement. Fingers crossed they have a new home soon.
If the refinance doesn't go through, then I will be on the rental market which totally scares me. I don't only have four dogs, two are chows, and considered restricted breeds at many places. I've contacted a few landlords and so far, no luck. If this option becomes reality, I will become an emailing fool with dog resumes in hand. It was hard renting before, I can't imagine now. I will probably be on the lookout for a room mate if we stay in the house, it's a good size for just me. That option seems pretty feasible.
I'm still talking to a therapist which I really enjoy and changed my pills to help with the depression and anxiety. Although I know this divorce is the right choice, I'm still living with my current husband and we are trying to find balance in the room mate/friend zone. We have known each other almost ten years, I don't want this friendship to be thrown away. I know we can save it. It's just going to take time and distance from each other. Finalizing the divorce and living separately will help immensely. I'm not saying it's going to be cake and roses, or in my case, pecan pie and craft beer; but, I am saying we both respect and like each other. We know each other's secrets, likes and dislikes.
I also don't want to throw away the relationship I have with my stepsons. I won't be their stepmom anymore, but being in their lives has definitely changed me for the better. I hope I've changed their's a little for the better too.
I am apprehensive about dating, or even the thought. I haven't been on a date since 1-20-07, when I met Chuck after meeting on MySpace. I read a story in Glamour magazine in the check out line yesterday about women who post in their online dating profile that they are breast cancer survivors. I love that. It's in your face, strong willed, fabulous women saying they've been through a lot but are open about their journey. The idea of sex is really scary, I haven't had much for a long time and it's been painful over the past year when I've tried. When I'm ready to date, there will be interesting conversations and I'm sure I'll meet some dicks.
I started this post at 7 a.m. today, the fluffies woke me up at 630 a.m. for breakfast and outside time. I'm starting out this week with a colonoscopy, woohoo! I can calm my fears about colon cancer. I had my pap last week and am anxiously awaiting those results. I'm hoping negative for those cancers also. One of the worst things about this damn journey is knowing your increased risk for other cancers. I try to not worry or focus on them, but it's hard. After all, a year ago I thought I was cancer free....

Deep breath....

I took a deep breath this week and told my husband I want a divorce. It was hard, it was emotionally draining, it was sad.... it was freeing. We went through this 3 years ago and reconciled, but we didn't really. He moved back into the bedroom but we didn't really. What we did was continue a cycle of being married, living together, but not living. We have known each other for over 9 years. We have been through loss of work, illness, medical issues, working different shifts, losing a home and buying a home, becoming a stepmom, me going through cancer, working full time and going to school full time, going to school while not working due to the course load. We have done it, we have survived, we have also realized that surviving isn't everything.

There is NEVER, a good time to say the words, "I ... Want... A... Divorce". There just isn't. What is a good time is when you finally say those words and the feeling of relief, freedom and just a sense of this is the right course of action comes over you. Ending a marriage sucks....a lot. Feelings are involved, emotions are high, decisions have to be made. But you know what?! It's worth it. I haven't felt so positive about my future happiness. That probably sounds really fucking mean, but I stand by it. I know in my heart and brain that this choice is right; although it will hurt, we will both come out on the other side better. By better, I mean better friends, better people, better to each other.

Going through cancer sucked!!!! It sucked for me, it sucked for my husband, it sucked for my friends and loved ones. However; it does make you realize and understand how truly fragile this life is. I haven't been happy for a long time, he has been happy to an extent but when we really talk, he knows it's the right choice. We love each other and want what's best for each other, but are not in love with each other. What does that mean? For me, wanting to French kiss my spouse; wanting to see them at the end of a day; not wanting them to see other people; feeling happiness due to that relationship.

I am in no way trying to disparage our marriage. We could continue on our path forever. However, this path isn't paved with the stones we both desire and deserve. We both deserve to have someone who loves us as much as we love. Tall order? If course... Life is a tall order. Life isn't guaranteed, life isn't  planned, life isn't a straight arrow. The twists and turns are what make it life.

I wanted to post tonight to calm the worriers, to squelch any rumors (not sure if there are, but covering the bases), to identify that life is life. Cancer Sucks. Being unhappy sucks more, at least for me. This new leg of the journey isn't going to be easy. We own a house. I have two stepsons. I have four dogs, where the fuck can we move to?

But... These things are not reasons to stay married. Everything happens for a reason, and this bump is another opportunity to rise above. Nobody is to blame... Nobody is to hate... Nobody is to feel sorry for... It will work out the way it should. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be awkward at times? Yes. Will we have to live together until our house sells? Unfortunately, Yes. Will we come out stronger? Absofuckinglutely

We are great friends and both of us want to retain that. We both want to support each other; we both want my stepsons to know they are loved; we both want me to find a place to live that will accept four dogs after the house sells, LOL. Most importantly, we both deserve, no, need happiness. We are fucking kickass people who have every right to love ourselves and our path in life. It'll all work out...

It will not be easy, there will be tears, beer, correction craft beer, definitely involved. In the end, Randi will be Randi again and that floats my heart...

First Cancer Survivor Group

Over three months after surgery and I visited my first cancer survivor group tonight.  I met a member of Young Survivors Coalition,  https://www.youngsurvival.org/, at an OSU cancer conference prior to my surgery and wasn't able to attend any meetings until tonight.  I really thought that I would hate joining a group of women discussing/complaining/talking about their cancer, but I was pleasantly surprised.  One of the most important things I've learned about cancer is that every single person has a different experience from chemo, to doctors, to surgery, to post cancer. Tonight, I heard from several women and each of them has different things to say, different feelings to share, different perspectives to hear. It was so nice to listen to women that are currently in chemo, recently out of cancer, a few years out of cancer, and everywhere in between.  I felt vindicated that my feelings aren't crazy, it makes sense to want to do something else and feel frustrated making it through cancer and trying to return to "regular life" and having issues adjusting.

There were discussions around doctor's appointments, how to find what feeds your soul, finding support for your spouse or loved one and "playing the Cancer card". Our meeting was at a local Cancer Support Community center, http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/, which I didn't even know existed and I learned about many resources for me and Chuck that are free.  The services extend beyond cancer survivors and spouses to other loved ones and supporters. I was of course loud and felt like I talked too much, but everything I said seemed to be familiar to the women in the room. Everything they said was familiar to me. I understood the feelings being expressed, I felt a connection to women I only met a half hour before during "social time" prior to the actual meeting starting. I saw myself in their eyes as they discussed being angry, upset, confused and unsure of next steps.  I really saw myself in the women who said "Fuck", soulmates (heart emoji)!  I heard them when they talked about how to focus on yourself during chemo, surgery and after and not feeling guilty for not responding to a text, email, phone call.  The "cancer card" is a viable reason not to do something, anything, that you would normally do.  The purpose of going through cancer is to focus on getting better; for many of us it's forced us to find inner strength, realize who our true friends and loved ones are, and not feel guilty for the little things. True friends understand that you really wanted to attend their party; real family knows that you're just too tired to return their voicemail; loved ones want to help but are aware that you may just need their thoughts and prayers.

I am still struggling with the everyday... the getting up, going to work, being a productive member of society but I'm getting better.  I'm trying to go into work with a positive attitude, and obviously looking good doing it. :-D  I am seeing a therapist to help work through my feelings, talk through my finances and in general just have a sounding board. I'm still on the border for vet school, it's always been a dream, but I'm also trying to be realistic regarding my ability and want to attend school the next 6+ years carrying a shitload of debt. Is being a vet still my dream, or one that I've had so long that I just don't know what I want to do?  I am still stuck with not wanting to live in my current cubicle forever, but at the same time I'm stuck with my job that rocks when you consider the flexibility, my bosses, and benefits.  How do I find the compromise?  No idea, but each week I feel that I have an answer that's different from last week.  I feel lost but am still trying to live in the moment and not get overwhelmed with the future.  

In the past week I sold my car to save my household money which was a REALLY hard decision.  I loved my car, and it was able to be used to transport rescue dogs which makes my heart happy. However, the $600+ we're saving on car payment, insurance, gas, maintenance also makes my heart happy; the savings won.... My husband and I are talking about selling our house during this seller's market and downsizing..... or at least getting a ranch style home which we would both love.  There are times I look in the mirror and can't believe I'm 37. I can't believe I'm 37 and unhappy with my job for no discernible reason and internally discussing what I want to be when I grow up.  The more people I talk to, the more I realize that we are all in this boat.  The logical part of us recognizes that the choices we've made are important, they sustain what we've come to love; the dreamer part of us still wants childhood dreams where mortgages, car payments, insurance, and retirement plans don't come into play.  

I am a dreamer, realist, pessimist, optimist, winner, loser, cancer survivor.... I am a wife, sister, daughter, stepmother, friend, best friend forever, coworker, wife and I appreciate all of the relationships I've found and those that have stayed with me during this difficult journey. I know that none of you can answer my questions regarding my life... I know that none of you can answer whether or not I should or shouldn't attend vet school... I also know that you love me and want what's best for me, and for that I can't thank you enough.  I assume I'll continue keeping on, keeping on as I work through my feelings and confusion; and it's good to know I'm not alone.  So many other people, cancer survivor or not, are in the same boat.... We are all just floating together in a wide open sea, I hope y'all have your floaties....

Big girl panties

There are so many times recently that I just don't want to.... Insert just about anything here, get up, go to work, clean, move from my chair.... During these times, I remind myself that as a functioning adult I often have to do these things regardless of my emotional state. I have to pull on my big girl panties, not the smaller seamless kind, the pairs used for periods, bloating and laundry days. I have to pull myself out of the funk and be responsible because that's what Adulting is.

I am currently wearing said panties as I re enter the work force like a normal human and wake up, drive, deal with traffic, park a few miles from work and shuttle into the office. These panties are forcing me to realize me not being fulfilled at work doesn't matter. Nobody is fulfilled, or at least a majority of society isn't.  We all recognize that work is a means to an end, it provides the financing needed to survive. Perhaps a part of that surviving involves some sort of fulfillment through volunteering, being a good parent, working part time at a start up, or your own business.

I'm currently seeking a second job, which flat out pisses me off, but it's a must if we are going to get a handle on our debt. My student loans are ridiculous and if I'm working I can't spend money, so that's a plus. We entered our marriage debt free except for our house and two cars. Over the past eight years, shit has happened that forced us to make different choices than we normally would have and now we have to pay for it. Literally

The worst part about a part time job is finding one with hours you want that pays half decent which I find annoying. I'm worth more than $10/hour, but finding a decent paying evening/some weekends job is hard. There just aren't that many. My other option is to continue searching for a full time job that pays better with the same benefits. I totally wish I could do sales, I know there's money to be had in that industry but I just don't care if a customer purchases an item or not. This is definitely not a good quality in a saleswoman.

These damn panties are going to need to keep me going as I return to the office full time, search for a second job, try to get mildly healthier and keep my positivity. I did see a therapist today, and she feels we can work together to get through this funk. For that, I am appreciative.... But I'm also appreciative that I haven't lost it and gotten in my Escape and driven to another city to start over as Maryanne Werther from Iowa with a clever back story.... Either way, I'm working towards getting through post cancer....

Saturday phone calls

Today is a beautiful, hot, central Ohio Saturday and it started out awesome. My husband and I transported six sweet furbabies to safe havens, completed a home visit for a prospective dachshund adopter and drank a beer around 3 p.m. During our outing enjoying said beer, a restrictive number called, I of course hit ignore, and saw a voicemail flash on my phone.

As I listened, I heard the voice of my oncologist, calling me from home. I listened twice and learned that she wanted to talk about an estrogen blocker. My cancer is estrogen receptive and since I'm young(ish), my body produces quite a lot. She told me I have two options, the first is a monthly injection and daily pill that throws me straight into full on menopause. The side effects are awful including hot flashes and severe PMS symptoms like headaches and irritability. The other option is Tamoxifen, which can cause blood clots and uterine cancer.

Remember my post about Lynch syndrome? This genetic mutation causes colon, uterine and ovarian cancers (among others). So, yeah, I'm already prone to uterine cancer. This is a crappy decision. Luckily, I plan to have a full hysterectomy to reduce my chances of a few of these cancers early next year. So, I'm going to take Tamoxifen. I'll only be on it a few months, then after my full hysterectomy, I'll be on the other meds.

I also have to switch my anxiety/depression med from Cymbalta to Effexor. Cymbalta interacts with Tamoxifen which sucks. Hopefully Effexor will work as well, if needed my oncologist will adjust the dose as necessary. This stupid cancer will follow me around forever. I asked if I will have to see my oncologist forever, and she said yes. Sigh..... I knew the answer, and still asked.

I was thinking today that maybe I shouldn't have gotten my breast cancer tattoo on my wrist since I see it everyday. But to be honest, cancer is a firm, constant in my life. I can't help that, and am still hoping to help others going through this journey. This could be through conversation, my blog, my book (if I finish and it gets published), hugs or any other way. Either way, Saturday phone calls from cancer doctors suck....

15%

I saw my oncologist today and learned I have a 15% chance of my cancer coming back. This means I have an 85% chance of never seeing it again as a fellow survivor posted. I'll be honest, I expected more of a 3% chance, 15 feels high but my oncologist isn't worried so I'm not either. My friend Cat sent me a text with a great quote, "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that really isn't you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

This quote totally sums up my recent blog posts, now the question, "Who am I meant to be?" I feel like such a brat sometimes complaining about really nothing. Life isn't easy, fair or awesome all of the time. As my boss tells me, I just need to chill and live in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have, and how lucky I am that my cancer was caught early. I am working on trying to get back to life, albeit it's hard after focusing on cancer for 8 months.

My husband thought of a great title for my book, " My journey towards death and how Mortimer saved me". Mortimer is my stuffed TRex that my co-workers got me. He's been to every chemo and Herceptin appointment, and kept me company at the hospital. I try to selfie with him during my appointments, I'm always there for at least a couple hours so plenty of time. I am about 4 pages into my book and I'm just writing without an outline or really an idea of what I want to say other than talking about my cancer, telling funny stories and of course mentioning my dogs. It's very cathartic reliving the last almost year, especially trying to remember my feelings and the emotions I had, and still have.

I am very much realizing that I'm just a hot mess. I don't know what I want, where I want to go, what my heart desires, what my soul craves and that's just going to have to be okay for right now. I don't have to figure these questions out immediately, I have time. Thanks to my kickass cancer team, I have the rest of my life to develop new questions, find answers, don't find answers, find out who I'm meant to be. I just need to slow my roll....

I made it

I made it, I made it through the cancer journey that lasted less than a year. I made it through five months of chemo, a weekend anguishing over whether I had cancer, two months waiting for surgery, a 13 hour surgery, the loss and reconstruction of both breasts, a 2 month recovery including missing work and now onto the what if's. What if cancer comes back?  What if I have my colonoscopy and cancer is found?  What if I wait too long to have my hysterectomy and cancer forms, or has already formed?  What if I choose to start school again to become a veterinarian and learn I hate it or should I stick with business instead of math and science?  What if I can't afford my student loans, which I currently can't?  What if I make a mistake and take a new job that still leaves me feeling like I'm missing out on something?  What if I continue on my current path and crash and burn because I'm just not feeling like dealing with life, not the living part, the "living" part?  What if I just want to live, drink, be merry, be happy without working, without worrying about paying for the mortgage, the electric, my cars, my dogs, but wait then how do I pay for my beer?

I am so tired of this feeling of being in between rocks, I need to climb out, but can't find my footholds.  I am normally a direct person, I know what I want and I go for it. Currently, I am wishy washy, frustrated, annoyed and unsure how to get to my next stepping stone.  I feel a little paralyzed at the thought of moving forward but unsure how to take a new path.  I know my friends are supportive of any path that I choose and will help me get there, but first I need to pick a direction... Does this mean different job, continuing on with school, staying at my current great job, looking at getting a second job to help with those aforementioned student loans, getting back involved with rescue to the point that I use to be, continuing with my book idea (I'm a few pages in), screaming to the stars "What do I want to do?!!!". I just don't know and it's killing me emotionally.

I tried to go to a young cancer survivor's group last week but traffic was AWFUL due to a soccer game and teeny bopper concert so I missed the opportunity.  I was hoping to ask fellow young survivor's if they are experiencing the same thing, how did they move from focusing on literally trying to survive to going back to a cubicle/office/job?  I plan to ask at the next meeting, or send a message, or somehow communicate; hopefully I'm not the only one!  I have felt lost for a little while but cancer and turning 37 has really brought home that I am not entirely happy with my point in life which is stupid.  I have a great job, beautiful home, nice car, great husband, great friends; what is wrong with me?!  I did apply to be a bartender at a new brewery opening in GC and am hopeful they give me a call. I love craft beer and discussing it with other beer lovers.  It would be a good opportunity to get out of the house doing something I enjoy, make a little extra money and be close to home.

Internal Monologue:   Randi, get your shit together!  Your life is amazing, you're amazing, get out of this funk!  For those of you who suffer from any form of depression, I'm sure this sounds familiar. For those of you who don't, I'm sure this sounds familiar.....

Family

I spoke to my stepmother today, she's my father's widow, who I don't think I've spoken to on the phone in a very long time.  It was a nice conversation, we talked a little about my recovery, her dogs, and her and her boyfriend visiting Ohio from Texas.  I was happy to reconnect with a family member. One thing cancer has taught me is that life is short, unexpected and the phrase "carpe diem" rings true. I personally have sucked at keeping in contact with family members since my father passed away going on 10 years ago.

I always felt that some of my father's family kept in contact simply for my Dad, they would never contact me when they came to town, or invite me to anything but that conversation could have gone both ways.  I could have tried harder to keep in touch and vice versa.  Today, it became clear that I don't want to continue holding grudges that aren't really there.  I realized that friending family on Facebook is an easy step to trying to reconnect, I am a cancer survivor which means I could have died.  That's pretty heavy.... but honestly, we're all going to die.  Whether it's by sickness, accident or what feels like boredom sometimes.  There is no reason not to reach out to family, even if they aren't the closest; you don't have to do holidays but maybe a Saturday at the pool, or casually catching up for dinner.

I followed up the phone call by sending friend requests to my uncle, his wife and both kids. We have always gotten along but have never been close. I always felt like an outsider. When I was young I would be reminded that my Dad adopted me when he married my mother which didn't feel like something that needed to be mentioned. As silly as this sounds, I never felt adopted, I was 3 at the time. As I've grown older it felt like this side of my family wasn't really family, we never celebrated together for holidays or birthdays and didn't go out of the way to see one another. I assume this is normal for many individuals and families.

I miss my Dad very much and always felt obligated to see his family while he was alive even though I considered them more like distant relatives. I hope they aren't offended reading this but I think they'll understand. As I'm moving through my post cancer journey, I'm trying to find myself in many ways and this step is definitely a part to be played. I feel good reaching out, even superficiality through social media, to connect and maybe begin communicating. I've spoken of the positives of having cancer, this is definitely one of them. I have been able to connect to some wonderful people via Facebook that have gone through cancer, known someone who has or are just supportive of my journey.

I've been told that my blog has also been helpful for those that aren't sure how I'm doing, how to reach out or are just curious of the whole thing. I logged in today to my blog and my page has 9410 views and 1 follower. I'm not sure if this means there are that many people interested or after one post they peace out and 1 lonely person actually follows every post. Either way I hope each of you gains something from my posts; even my personal ones that are more me having a personal moment more than discussing a cancer aspect. As I wind down and get ready for the sandman, I'm reminded of when I decided to start this blog and the sole intent being to chronicle my cancer journey. I'm happy and relieved that I'm still here able to chronicle cancer, chemo, surgery and beyond. It means I made it, I'm a survivor and a normal 37 year old woman with a new chapter in her book.

What am I doing?

I met an interesting fella last week, he started the conversation by asking if I wanted to see something cool. Of course I did! He showed me a picture of him and his daughters feeding hyenas in Ethiopia. I had to admit that the photo was pretty cool and led into a discussion about life and where it leads you. He reminded me that a job is an opportunity to fund what you really want to do. The job doesn't need to be your passion, but it can support that fire through providing resources whether they be monetary or otherwise.

I of course know this to be true; I've enjoyed being a part of the rescue community for eight years. I have been able to focus on my passion due to my great job. I'm still wrestling with becoming a veterinarian, is the school debt worth it? Is another six years focused on studies worth it? Am I able to do what I've been doing, working at a great place while spending my free time helping animals in need? Perhaps there's still a chance that a job will come along that matches my skills, education and passion with great pay and benefits. Or, maybe I'll get past this post cancer funk and embrace what I already have....

My stomach is continuing to heal, but I keep my spanx close at hand. I'm feeling better about my abdomen area, it's going to heal and not be as noticeable but it's going to take time. My best friend is moving away to Florida, where all Ohioans end up, in a couple weeks and that definitely has me bummed. Her family is able to realize their dream which makes me happy, but I'll miss being able to stop by and see them. I'm so lucky she was here during my journey from diagnosis to chemo to surgery. I love you Beth and am so glad flights are more reasonable and fly straight to your new home!!

I am going to a meeting for the Young Survivor Coalition, a group of women who have gone through breast cancer age 40 and under. I'm really interested if they are struggling emotionally and physically with getting back to work and regular life. I am worried that it will be a sad session of us talking about cancer, chemo and the other downers associated with BC. It will be my first attempt talking to other survivors in a group setting, wish me luck!

As a new week begins, I am reminding myself that I can still win the lottery, I have a few weeks to choose if I want to attend classes, I'll be meeting other young survivors, attending the State Fair, going to my best friends home for one last party, seeing another friend for her housewarming party, trying not to melt in this heat (don't be fooled that it's Ohio, it was 100 today) and putting one foot in front of the other in this post cancer journey.

90 Days

It's Wednesday, July 13th, and the beginning of a new lease on life. As of today I'm going to follow my blogs advice and quit drinking liquor for 90 days. Yes, I've said this before, but today really feels like a new chance to do things differently. I'm scheduled for classes to start my path of becoming a veterinarian, I've found a work out partner in Grove City, left a message to join the YMCA, and started back to work.

My husband, my biggest supporter, is behind me 1000%. I see myself in school for the next six years pursuing a long standing dream assuming I am smart enough and dedicated enough. I am also going liquor free, which means no whiskey nights, shots or stressed out happy hours that go from two beers to shots, shots, shots. I am embarking on a new journey, post cancer, of loving myself, getting in shape and pursuing a dream. I pulled up to the parking lot for work today and almost turned around, the thought of my cubicle was too depressing.

The thought of not enjoying what I am, what I do, is too depressing. I still know I'm awesome, but I have the opportunity to be more awesome and that's pretty awesome. I made it through my work day but my stomach was hurting by the end. Note to self, wear your spanx. I'm still kicking around the idea of writing a book, I have some funny stories that need to be shared. Stay tuned for how that's going...

I am incredibly grateful to my friends for always keeping me in check and calling my husband when needed. I am so lucky to have people in my life that I love as my family. I plan to keep this positive motivation going but warn you if you want to see me before school starts next month, get on the calendar. I thrived going to school, rescuing and working full time when I was in school previously but I had little time for much else. I'm really hopeful that that groove will continue as I will only be taking math and science courses instead of breezy easy business courses. I've also applied to volunteer at a local spay and neuter clinic, hopefully I can do a few days there a month. I have rescue experience but not vet office and this is a way to at least start. I'm getting tired thinking about my next few years already!

Crossroads

I am at a physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual crossroad. I've survived cancer, now what? Obviously I go back to work, back to rescue, back to life but I don't want to go back. At least not in the same way. I really want to start figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I am so blessed with my job and the ability to volunteer but I'm still missing something.

I am physically dreading returning to my cubicle in three days. It's stupid, I know this. There are people with no jobs, shitty jobs, lesser jobs, on and on. When I see myself in 5-10 years, it isn't in housing finance. I always assumed it would be involved in helping animals. Finding a position in a company with similar goals and vision; to help animals in need. I'm not having a post cancer crisis, I've felt this way for awhile. I am awesome gosh darnit, and I know I'm meant for more!!

I just don't know what more is. I've always wanted to be a vet, but it's a LOT of debt for relatively little pay. I'm currently toying with becoming a lawyer, having the opportunity to use my voice and knowledge to challenge breed specific legislation, help service animals, etc. I'm also considering writing a book that will obviously be published so I can pay off current debt (college ain't cheap folks). Is this a mid life crisis? I'm not buying a Ferrari or leaving Chuck for a 22 year old, but I can feel my creative juices needing an outlet.

When I found rescue 8 years ago, it literally filled a hole in my heart and soul. I finally found a way to help without being a vet. As I've gotten more involved in rescue I recognize I could never do it full time, but I know there's a way to rescue while having a full time job somehow still helping but not being emotionally drained by both.

Maybe I just need a job change, something more manageable than earning a doctorate. Sigh..... I just feel that at 37, I don't want to be 40/43/47 thinking these same thoughts and imagining the what ifs. I know few people who enjoy their jobs, but the ones I know make me envious. I'm not saying doing what you love and are passionate about is easy. It's still hard work, still takes dedication, but I imagine that passion helps get through some of the tough stuff.

While I'm having this existential breakdown, here's an update on post surgery Randi. My stomach incision is sore, it's still healing and on days when I do too much it's painful. I have successfully not napped in a week which I feel is impressive. The swelling on my right side under the armpit is less, it's still kind of numb, but better. The incisions on my breasts are doing really good, only a few scabs. My upcoming revision surgery should be pretty easy which makes me happy. I'm driving, doing housework and pretty much back to normal. I just need to pace myself and listen to my body. Spanx are still close by to help with the compression and are a huge help after a long day.

Post cancer Randi is obviously a little lost but I know I'll get back on track. Routine will help, getting a little more focus will definitely help. If y'all have suggestions on how to get my caboose back on track, I'm listening. The front of my train is chugging along, it just needs some course correction.

Beer and paranormal shows

I'm less than a week from returning to work and I'm choosing to drink and watch paranormal shows instead of going to bed.  I have that feeling where getting a little toasty sounds good and why not watch a show about crop circles?  I normally drink a few drinks a few nights a week, I have always enjoyed drinking but have gotten better at understanding my tolerance. When you don't have to get up early and are able to ignore any pains or aches, alcohol is a nice substitute.  I totally wish my best girl friends lived closer so we could meet and catch up at, 12:48 a.m.; because we would be around the corner from each other. The bummer is, we aren't, we're adults; with homes, kids, significant others, circumstances that prevent us from meeting on a Thursday at a common, local bar at 1:00 a.m.

When I was younger, getting a call at this time of the morning would mean that I would walk my Blueberry, get dressed (unless I was already dressed) and drive to a location where my friends were to drink, even for an hour or two, to catch up and be young.  Now that I'm older, 37, calling friends at 1:00 a.m. means something's wrong, I'm in trouble or worse. There is no, "Hey, get up, we're going drinking to catch up and talk about my current reason why I'm up so late"; obviously, if my marriage was asunder, dog died, I was fired, etc. my gf's would be up but on average, I would be greeted with" WTF Randi?!".  I understand this sentiment because if I was awoken with a phone call of non importance at 1:00 a.m. I would be PISSED.  My friends know not to call me, even in drunk form, when they really don't need anything.  I value my sleep, very much, but value my friendships more; when not used in vain.

I love that my friends have supported me through this journey to an extent that I expected, but was still surprised. My family has consisted of my friends, I'm lucky to have each of my ladies (and a few guys) that love me unconditionally regardless of my bitchiness, hair loss, sickness, and any other factor that make me unwheely at times. I appreciate that my personal family, outside of blood, has always accepted me as LOUD, crazy, poor decision making, lover of dogs (especially Blueberry) and all of the other reasons that make me, ME. This journey has been hard, difficult, weird and many other adjectives that I'm unable to articulate but drinking on a Thursday night at home really brings home how lucky I am.  If I chose to drive, safely, to a bar and called each of you, you would find a way to meet me to ensure I was safe, sane, and in a good place.  How many people have friends/loved ones who fit that bill?  Not many, I assume.

My Coco is "digging" her comfortable spot in front of me in the carpet, Gracie Mae has built her "nest" in the couch blanket, Hazelnut has made herself comfortable on the stairs and Pepper has snuggled up next to Chuck while I am typing in the living room, watching a movie about young kids developing time travel, while drinking another beer. I know how awesome my life is; I know how amazing my time has been thus far, I can never describe how fabulous my life will be but I am confident that post cancer will definitely rock more than cancer. Thanks to those that read my posts, support my decisions, support ME and recognize that we need to make today/tomorrow/Saturday count.  I survived cancer, how many people can say that?!  I assume thousands, millions? For me, I survived, and plan to keep surviving; each of you have made this possible.  Your life will always matter, will always make a difference in the trajectory of life, you matter. Look at your goals and go for them; look at how you want to save the world and fix it; look at how you want to make a difference and do it; what problems do you want to solve, what solution do you need to find, what wrong needs to be right?! Each of us has the answer. Stop just going to work; what do YOU want to do?! We all need a job to pay the mortgage, pay the car payment, provide dog food or childcare but how we meet these necessities is our choice. I'm at this crossroads; I have a kickass job, but is it what I want to do? NO, but that doesn't mean I leave my goals, it means I work to identify my goals/love/reason. I can't wait to identify how I meet my needs vs my goals; how have y'all?

Cancer Thoughts

Cancer just fucking sucks. There, I said it, there is nothing good about this awful disease. I am lucky to now be a survivor but a fellow rescuer recently passed away from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed early June 2016 and died a couple weeks later. I never met her personally but have known her through email and Facebook for many years. She was a great woman who rocked at rescue and from what I've heard was also a great person. RIP Sue Beedoo Bixler, I hope you're surrounded by loved ones both furry and non furry.

My hair is still coming in so people still want to tell me their cancer stories and want to know the type of cancer I had. I'm looking forward to not looking like a chemo patient. I'll always look like a cancer patient under my clothes due to the surgical scars; but it would be nice to have a beer without someone blessing me, touching or kissing my head, telling me about a family member who died of cancer or the hugs.

I found out this week that a previous coworker who beat cancer had it come back in full force. Stage 4 kidney. WTF?! Why can't cancer just leave us alone? Once is enough for a lifetime. My husband read of a woman who beat breast cancer and had a double mastectomy and then the cancer came back, stage 4 in her lungs. This is so unbelievably scary. I would like to not have to worry about a second cancer, but it'll always be in the back of my brain.

On the plus side I am finally able to wear bras! I dropped a cup size but am still a D cup (I thought I was a D before but I think I was a DD and just wore the wrong bras). It's been nice not having the sports bra straps showing in every shirt. I am able to go without spanx also but honestly my stomach hurt when I didn't wear them so spanx will remain a part of my wardrobe a little longer.

I saw my plastic surgeon on Friday and we talked about my upcoming revision surgery to clean up my breasts and stomach. Luckily I had a great surgery and only need a few things done like perking up my boobs (they feel and look like flat pancakes to me, not as round), smoothing my stomach incision (there are little flaps on each side) and possibly removing tissue from the left side of my breast if it isn't all swelling. I am personally opting to not have nipples reconstructed, it's nice to not worry about cold rooms or thin bras.

I plan to tattoo my breasts with a pretty garden of flowers instead. I feel like this will not only cover some scars, but will also be a way of making my constant cancer reminder into something beautiful. I currently feel very uncomfortable with my body, I'm hoping this gets better over time. My abdomen is just so ugly with a port, circular scars on my breasts, scars from the drains, scars from last year's stomach surgery and a giant stomach scar. I've never been a swimsuit model, but I've always felt comfortable naked. This is just going to take time.

I'm a little over a week from returning to work and starting to get a little anxious. I have been so focused on cancer that I wasn't at my best these past few months. I'm hoping that I can get back in the groove and enjoy my job again. I am not looking forward to going back to work, lottery please, but am appreciative for the time I've had off to focus on healing mentally and physically.

To my friends who are fighting cancer, I'm thinking of you. To those that have beaten cancer, I hope you never have to fight again.

From cancer to cancer free

I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer October 12, 2015 and became cancer free May 17, 2016. I am still missing hair, but there is some fuzz coming in. The color is still debatable, possibly grey, blonde or dark blonde. My previous hair was reddish brown, long and curly. It is weird to officially think of myself as a survivor. I'm no longer a cancer patient, I went through the chemo and surgery to get to this point.

The state of my hair still causes people to want to hug me, say I'm beautiful, I'm brave, tell me their personal connection to cancer. I guess now I can say that prayers aren't needed, their support isn't necessary; I'm cured. I now fall into a new category of post cancer. I no longer have to worry about next steps, at least for that leg of the journey.

My next leg is recovery and moderate surgery to correct my breasts, stomach and under my arms. My surgery in May was major and will certainly leave scars. The revision surgery will even my body so although there are scars, I won't be misshapen. This next step is three months out; during that time I'm to recover the best I can. My stomach is starting to separate, but the plastic surgeon is keeping an eye on it. My right side of my breast and underarm are very painful. I'm hoping the swelling will go down, the pain will lessen and I will be able to sit/lay/walk comfortably soon.

I'm still stuck in the recliner; I long for the comfort of my bed. I'm three weeks away from returning to work, hopefully enough time to recover and sit at my desk for eight plus hours doing office work. I'm definitely not looking forward to that part of my normal routine. I'm a little addicted to watching shows dedicated to tiny houses and day dreaming of a little more simplicity in my life. I'm thinking of what I really want to be doing, and sitting in my cubicle for forty plus hours a week isn't it. I'm trying to reconcile the fact that I have a great job, with great pay and benefits, with the fact that I'm just not happy going there. However, the job is a necessary evil to pay for the house, the cars, the dogs, the cancer.

I am working to live in the moment, and enjoy my quiet days and nights as I heal, emotionally and physically. I am working to truly enjoy my life and understand what it means to get a second chance so to speak. I am working to appreciate all I have and recognize that only I can change my future path. I need to figure out how to start this next chapter, cancer free.

Tonight

It's nearly 1 a.m. and I woke my husband up whining with tears. I was snuggled in my recliner surrounded by Pepper and Gracie Mae when my mouth started watering and I immediately knew I needed to vomit. I began dry heaving, quickly put the dogs on the floor, threw my covers and pillows off, put the recliner upright and ran to the powder room (which luckily is only a few steps away).

I debated how to vomit, standing or sitting. Either way, the dry heaving brought tears to my eyes; my incision was on fire and hurt at every heave. I cried, heaved and nothing came out but some drool. For most people this wouldn't be that big a deal. For me, it's quite painful. I had stomach surgery January 2015 to eliminate my acid reflux and due to this surgery, I'm unable to vomit. I can only dry heave. At the same time, I peed myself trying to vomit and wanted to lay on the floor.

I have no idea what triggered the dry heaving, I ate pretty normally and have been drinking my water. My last drain was removed today (high five) but that shouldn't have affected anything. I walked up the stairs once I felt comfortable moving, after letting the dogs out because as other dog parents understand your dogs always want to go out. I laid on the bed and explained what happened and that I needed a new pair of underwear.

My husband kissed my forehead and asked what he could do. We agreed on gas pills and nausea medicine since I was burping often. The burping was just air, I didn't feel nauseous and wasn't sure how else he could help. So, I changed, came back downstairs and Chuck brought me a Sprite which always makes me feel better (maybe it's in my head, but Sprite helps). I got settled back in the recliner, dried my tears and thanked Chuck for his help.

WTF?! Why did this feeling come on so suddenly? I am obviously not comfy to begin with and added pain is not welcome. I don't know where the weird wanting to vomit feeling came from and hope it doesn't come back.

I am normally an early to bed kind of girl but since my schedule is anything but normal these days, I sleep when I'm tired and wake when I want. Very rarely in adult life do you get this type of freedom so I am taking advantage. Now, I'm still awake an hour later a little worried about going to sleep, but I feel the weird incident was just that, weird. I am a little addicted to watching shows dedicated to tiny houses, a current housing trend, and plan to finish this current episode and then hopefully drift off to sleep.

I'm lucky

I just lost both breasts, had reconstruction completed using my stomach tissue, and had three lymph nodes removed from my right side at the age of 36. I believe I'm 99% clear of cancer if I understood my breast surgeon correctly. I also believe that I have like a 2% chance of it coming back as breast cancer. I went through five months of aggressive chemo, multiple scans, biopsies and doctor appointments; all since October 2015.

I feel lucky that I have gone through all of this and whatever is in store for me in the future. I have great health insurance that has covered all of my visits, biopsies, scans, chemotherapy, mammograms (minus my first one that the hospital luckily covered, it was 3D and considered experimental by UHC). I have a wonderful employer that has allowed me to take the time off that I've needed, allowed me to work a flexible schedule, work from home when needed and given such amazing support from when I was diagnosed to now. I have an amazing husband who has been more scared than me at times but stood by my side to help me physically and emotionally.

I have amazing friends who threw a fricking benefit in my honor and started a Go Fund Me to ensure we could afford cancer. A trailer was raffled off, friends donated their bar as the location and friends and family contributed their time, money and other resources in my honor. I have a beautiful home where I am comfortable and safe and surrounded by love; furry and non furry. I have two reliable vehicles that have taken me to Riverside Hospital, Bing Cancer Center, Columbus Oncology, and a few other places safely. I've also had friends and family offer to drive me if needed, as far away as Indiana; thank you Molly.

I am relatively healthy which has helped me get through everything from chemo to surgery. I have a mostly positive attitude which has helped me smile through it all; helping myself and those supporting me. I have a kickass sense of humor allowing me to laugh when I need to, and when I don't. I can't imagine starting this journey in October 2005, I was 26 back then with only a few of the things I've listed available to younger me.

I am lucky. I imagine if some of the people in my life had to go through this journey as moms with busy schedules, little or no health insurance, little to no support, non working vehicles or no vehicle, jobs that wouldn't offer options or flexibility. How would they have faired? How much more difficult would this journey have been for them? I truly am the right person to have to undergo this journey. Do I wish I didn't have cancer; of course. Do I wish I didn't have to undergo surgery; absolutely. Do I still consider myself lucky; absofuckinglutely.

Bloody pockets

Today marks a week since I had the big surgery. It's been strange being relegated to our recliner but the dogs have loved having me downstairs and constantly available for pettings. My chi mix Pepper has become my chair companion which isn't like him. Normally he claims our king size bed for his own and only comes down for food and potty time.

My husband has been amazing making sure I'm eating, taking my pills and emptying my drains. He is also feeding the dogs full time and reminding me not to bend or lift my arms. I have six drains, two in my abdomen on each side, and two in each breast. Having such sweet drains attached means I have to constantly carry the drains wherever I go. The drains are bulky and fill with my blood and other bits throughout the day and I drain them twice a day. The drains are kept in pockets within my shirt that the hospital gave me, so I have bloody pockets 24 hours a day.

Showering is a possibility but I do need help from Chuck since I can't lift my arms. The drains move from pockets to a lanyard and hang around my neck. Not having hair is a plus when you can't lift your arms and unable to stand comfortably for long periods. One drain was able to be removed yesterday since it wasn't draining a lot, so I'm down to five.

The drains are irritating and I have to be careful not to pull them out. They are definitely itchy and I have to be cognizant when I'm scratching to not scratch too crazy. My abdomen and boobs are swollen and will be for awhile so I'm taking Ibuprofen in addition to my pain pills. My right arm is still a pain where the nodes were removed but on the bright side they were negative.

I have been watching Netflix, movies and catching up on my DVR. I try to walk a little each day around the house and plan to venture outside tomorrow. I can't be too strenuous to make sure I don't hurt my stitches, drains or cause too much drainage. I feel bad having Chuck take care of me. Normally we are a team, he cooks, I clean, he does laundry, I fold and put the clothes away. I really appreciate him and hope he knows.

Today is our 8 year wedding anniversary and normally I would have gotten him a card and we'd go to dinner. Today, I spent the day in my chair and Chuck cooked a delicious dinner, it was a very nice day. I truly am lucky to have him in my life, he understands my current limitations and doesn't make me feel bad that I can't help around the house. Hopefully once my drains are out I'll feel better and will be able to help around the house and maybe move from the recliner to my bed!

Boobs, belly button and burning

Well, surgery has been completed and I'm on the road to recovery. My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction was Tuesday, May 17th, and I was able to be discharged Friday. I loved the staff at Dublin Methodist, they were all great and extremely supportive. I saw all of my surgeons, and they were each positive about the surgery as a whole and pleased with my incisions and how the surgery sites look. I kept a smile on my face during my stay and the staff appreciated having a positive patient with a good outlook.

The surgery required incisions in both breasts to remove current tissue through my nipples which means I have big skin grafts where nipples would normally be. The tissue was replaced with tissue from my stomach leaving a long incision straight across my stomach with drain tubes on each side. Each breast has two drain tubes and the spots where the drains originate burn something awful.

On Tuesday my breast cancer surgeon and one of my plastic surgeons both wrote on my boobs in black marker. The breast surgeon literally put his initials on me, HA! The way the plastic surgeon marked made me think he would be scooping out my breast from the bottom, not through the nipple openings but I guess it makes more sense to ensure all of the tissue was removed and as much skin was left to make new boobs.

I have no idea what size breasts I have now, they are definitely smaller but also swollen and I'm thinking it will be a few weeks until I know. My husband has also commented that they are smaller, maybe a C cup? Since I've never had different boobs, it's weird having new ones that aren't really new, they are just made from a different part of me.

The incision sites BURN, it's like they are on fire and when I have to drain them the pulling on the tubes is a really strong burning sensation. This pain has been the worst and my major complaint, the nurses and doctors have indicated that my experience is in line with other patients. All types of stuff is draining out, blood, stringy stuff, fat, tissue... as I continue to drain, the color will change from red to a straw yellow color. What is going to drain that's yellow?!

My best friend and her husband brought me an awesome book, T Rex Trying, showing all of the things that T Rex tries to do. I took the book to the hospital and had visitors and staff sign. I'm kind of like a T Rex, walking hunched over with my arms at my sides unable to do a lot currently. My stuffed T Rex Mortimer, Morty for short, also accompanied me and was a welcome addition when I woke up in pain wanting a hug.

A new belly button was made since tissue was cut away, it's currently scabbed and I'm interested to see what it will look like once healed. The long incision is at the base of my stomach and I have to watch hiking my underwear or pants too high. I accidentally tucked one of my drain tubes in my underwear and it opened and spilled on me. Walking around with six drain tubes takes a little bit of care, luckily the hospital gave me a sweet blue soft button up that has pockets for my drains. I'll lose half of them this coming Friday and the rest the following week depending on how much continues to drain.

I'll be sponge bathing for a couple of weeks as I navigate the drains and my ability to stand for long periods. I have been incredibly itchy, from my incision sites to my back to my legs. It's partly from pain pills, partly from not being able to fully shower and partly from a lot of sitting and laying. Since I'm home, my dogs are very confused why I'm not going to bed or feeding them. Gracie Mae, beagle mix, and Pepper, chihuahua mix, both laid on my legs last night as I slept in our recliner.

I've completed my first 24 hours at home and so far so good. I'm surrounded with pillows and Chuck is fabulous as my helper. He's making sure I eat and distributing my pills. I'm very lucky to have him and couldn't ask for a better husband who is able and willing to help me get up and down, drain my tubes, comfort the dogs when they can't sit with me and all of the other tasks that comes with caring for post cancer Randi.

T minus 7 hours

Toenail polish has been removed....body has been cleansed with antiseptic cleanser....talked to my Mom...hugged my best friend, her family and my husband....jewelry has been removed...hospital bag has been packed, including Mortimer my dinosaur....hospital outfit has been picked out...now to somehow sleep.

I am laying in bed with two of my furkids, my other two are close by. Today has been a great day, although it started with two doctor appointments, it ended with hugs and I love yous. I had a great dinner and found two awesome pairs of heels, on sale, that I hope to wear soon.

It's nearly 11 p.m. and I have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for surgery at 7:50 a.m. Two of my best friends will be joining my husband in the morning to start the long wait known as surgery. Another great friend is letting my dogs out and feeding them tomorrow. Many other friends and family will be waiting anxiously by their phones and computers waiting for an update (I assume, because let's face it, I'm pretty awesome). Tomorrow will be a long day for us all, only I'll be asleep missing the action.

My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction is scheduled for 10-12 hours, longer than a day at work, a good nights sleep and about as long as a good Netflix marathon. I am as mentally prepared as possible, have centered myself and really tried to remember that the advantage of tomorrow is no... more...cancer. I may have to do radiation afterwards but the main event that has been building since October will finally play out.

My right wrist foretells the outcome, Randi 1, BC 0. Tattoos never lie after all.

SEX

First off, sex is a taboo topic... Second, my friends, coworkers, managers and others read this blog...Third, this blog post isn't meant to embarrass my husband or myself... Fourth, sex is important and changes after chemo... Fifth, don't continue reading if this topic makes you uncomfortable... Sixth, I hope this particular topic will help other survivors

I chose not to have sex after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been married for nearly eight years and have been with my husband for nine. Obviously a cancer diagnosis wasn't foreseen and the whirlwind of doctors, concern, worrying and chemo put a damper on my romance. When you're waiting for your diagnosis and to learn next steps, having romantic relations isn't a concern.

I started chemo within a couple weeks of diagnosis and thought about sex a few weeks in. However, I also thought about my chemo side effects and read how they might affect sex. There are stories of dryness, pain, tearing, etc. due to vaginal tissue being soft and similar to the tissue in your mouth. When I learned of my vaginal ulcers in the second month of chemo, it was compared to mouth ulcers that many patients get (again, similar tissue). Surprisingly, or not, sex sounded awful, scary and painful.

During cancer, you want comforted from those you love and in a relationship that comforting usually comes in the form of kissing, hugging and having sex. Even after I got through the vaginal ulcers and started my second round of chemo drugs I was still scared. My husband has been amazingly supportive and agreed that the potential pain wasn't worth it and we would try post chemo.

I am extremely lucky; my husband is beyond supportive and was more worried than me about how my body had been changed. Other women I've read about have sex, despite their discomfort, because they are afraid of losing their husband or their husband straying. I will say right now if that's a concern during cancer, please re evaluate your partner of choice. You need and deserve someone who is just as concerned, or more, of hurting you, making you uncomfortable or forcing you into a decision you don't want to make. Sex is important in relationships, but so is trust, love and all of the other fabulous things that make good partnerships great.

It's been over six weeks since chemo and my husband and I tried sex tonight. We are in the countdown til surgery and it's the last time we will be together with my current body. I was absolutely ready to give it a try and he was supportive of trying, stopping and doing whatever felt comfortable to me. First, my body has definitely changed. Positions don't feel the same, it's like there is a pressure or uncomfortableness that wasn't there before. I wonder if I became like a virgin again, each position just felt weird.

It didn't feel bad necessarily, but not right either. I had a little blood and discomfort after while using the restroom and feel that it was a good first try. We both needed to feel that closeness, but it would have been nice if it felt great. I plan to try again tomorrow, it's our last chance after all before I am down for a few months with a different body.

I personally recommend to women to try sex at your pace. If you're worried about the changes that have or are happening to your body, consult your doctor but more importantly listen to yourself. I can't imagine trying sex during chemo, you're tired, dehydrated, in danger of sores and more likely to get hurt. However, that's just me, chemo and cancer affects everyone differently. Your experience might be different, but remember it's your body and you know what's best.

Yes, I'm home from Myrtle and what better way to welcome me home... ;-)

48 Hours

Well, it's 48 hours until surgery and I'm on the road leaving Myrtle Beach headed to Columbus, Ohio. I have had a great vacation and am sorry to see it end because it means I'm that much closer to a scary long procedure. However, I do miss my husband and furkids. I haven't petted a dog in a week, that is so weird!! I have definitely enjoyed the time away and feel that it was a well deserved vacation.

I was able to swim, burn a little (despite using sunscreen), had some good beer, a few beachy drinks and good conversations with my traveling companions. I am so lucky to have good friends that allowed me to crash their vacation. A couple days I slept in super late but that's what my body wanted to do, and I listened.

The weather was beautiful, it only rained half a day on Friday, otherwise it was sunny and gorgeous. I am not a huge beach fan, don't like the feel of sand and ocean on my feet, but this visit I relished the feeling realizing I won't see the ocean again for awhile. I swam in the pools a few times and it was nice not having to worry about chlorine messing with my hair, ;-).

I'm riding in the back of a Prius feeling my anxiety rising as I head back home. I start tomorrow with a Herceptin infusion and blood draw, but I'll have my husband with me. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed but I'm only 48 hours out, so many things can happen on Tuesday. I'm thinking where is my living will and did I print out my will? I think I just saved it, better get that printed. Should I make a list of who Chuck needs to contact during my surgery Tuesday? How many updates do my friends and loved ones want? Will everyone be on pins and needles as I'm "under the knife" for 10-12 hours? I'll be knocked out but I know Chuck will be a mess. Thank you Cat for taking time off work to spend with him, he shouldn't be alone.

My Mom is no longer able to come up the week after surgery, my younger sister needed her while she was in the hospital and it's hard to be in two places when you're a thousand miles apart. My husband has taken time off so I'll still have a loved one home to help me around. Thank you to everyone who has offered to help, please know how much I appreciate you. During the next nine hours I'm going to rest, kick my feet up and enjoy the ride...

Randi's Vacation

I am spending the week before surgery in Myrtle Beach, SC. I couldn't have picked a better place to relax, sleep and get my head together before my big surgery next Tuesday. This is the last week to appreciate my boobs, they've always been with me but are slowly killing me. I still have no idea why I have cancer, maybe it was the decade plus that I smoked; maybe it's the alcohol I've consumed; maybe it's the hand full of hot dogs that I've eaten. I'll never know, but the important thing is that by opting for a double mastectomy, I'm able to literally cut out the cancer. Since I'm young and use to my 40D's, I'm also choosing reconstruction.

The method being used will remove tissue from my stomach and make new C cups that I can be proud of. It's so weird when I put on my bathing suit thinking this is the last time people can enjoy my natural cleavage... This is the last time I'll put on my bras. After surgery it might be easier to find bras, 40D isn't the most common size.

I am trying to use this week to come to terms with my cancer, come to terms with my fear and come to terms with myself. I can't stand the thought of worrying about this disease anymore. The removal of my breasts reduces my risk of cancer in one area, I still have to worry about it coming back elsewhere which just sucks.

I am a few days into this vacation, and really enjoying myself. I've sat on the beach, swam in a pool and had some good conversation. I slept late today which is always fabulous. I am really enjoying my time off work, hard to believe I know... I am going to thoroughly enjoy the rest of my vacation and feel okay if I have sad moments or feel angry. The whole purpose is to just be me...

Lynch Syndrome

Today I attended a conference/information session on Lynch syndrome, the genetic mutation I have that determines my likeliness to get cancer. It was very informative and nice to be around other people with the same condition. Some have had cancer, some haven't. Mostly Lynch throws colon cancer, uterine, ovarian and a few others but not breast.

I met a woman who also has breast cancer and Lynch syndrome, she's only 40 and also looking for a confidant to talk to.  We exchanged info and I'm hoping we will really talk. I met a young woman with Lynch who luckily hasn't had any cancer but very aware of her risks. I really enjoyed learning more about my risks and talking to others about chemo, cancer, hair growth, etc. I did receive confirmation that support groups can be depressing but might have found a young group that isn't.

I am proud of myself for going, when I woke up I thought about sleeping in. I had Pepper on one side and Gracie and Coco on the other but realized I'll be home bound for awhile and need to get out while I can. Also, I need to start pulling my head out of the sand about my medical stuff. If I'm entering this new state of acceptance, learning new info is a good step.

I felt really unlucky attending a medical event that I fit in both sessions but met another woman in the same boat which helped, I'm not alone. I'm not the only woman scared about surgery, losing her boobs, upset about her hair or trying to be preventative regarding other cancers. One of the topics was depression/stress and it's link to immunity, I thoroughly enjoyed that session. I also learned of some therapists that are learning a new way to approach helping cancer patients.

Although I am a breast cancer suffering Lynch syndrome having woman, it's okay.  A breast cancer survivor told me to take it 15 minutes at a time, then a day and so on. It's easy to become overwhelmed, and that's okay. It's easy to feel alone, and I'm not. It's easy to get scared, and realize it's a valid fear. I'm just gonna keep going with a positive attitude recognizing that I need to cry, yell and come to terms with my current situation. I'm just trying to make it without losing it, the "it" being all encompassing.

Therapy done right

I saw a counselor today, he was very nice, I've seen him before. Pretty much he recommended I attend a breast cancer support group, AA and a one on one counselor to see which is the best fit for me. I honestly have stayed away from a support group because I didn't want to be surrounded by "those people".... You know, other breast cancer having women.

My boss stated my situation perfectly today. I am finally having to accept that I have breast cancer. I have lived in a state of awareness refusing to move to the next state of acceptance. I just fucking hate that I have it, I hate talking about it, I hate living with an invisible disease that could kill me, I hate that there is no reason for me to have it, I hate that within a month of receiving my Masters I learned that my whole life would change for the worst, I hate that I can speak first hand about chemo, I really, really hate that my body is going to be forever changed this month.

I don't know how to travel gracefully between these states, why do tears have to be involved?!! I so hate crying but am coming to terms with the fact that this damn journey is partly a trail of tears. This stupid journey has so many twists and turns, I have no control!!! Man that pisses me off, I like control!

Today was a good day even though I cried, saw a therapist and had a profound realization that I in fact have breast cancer. I enjoyed a Dr Pepper, my favorite, had a bunch of kickass people reach out offering support and hugs and am going to look for a breast cancer support group. Thanks to y'all for reading my blog and letting me know you're there for me.