The problem with a blog

Good morning, it's Wednesday and I'm obviously going through some things. The biggest issue with a blog is that everyone who reads it wants to fix your issues. Friends and family want to address the concerns and offer solutions. My purpose for having a blog is to have an outlet for me. I write better than I talk and feel more comfortable writing my feelings than sharing them. Although I appreciate every one of you, please don't feel compelled to fix me. I know what my mistakes are, where my skeletons are hidden and who I'm making concerned/mad/upset. I'm fully aware that I'm on a dangerous path. This isn't a new road for me, I've been here before, but this time I have way more to lose.

I am juggling currently, not sure which ball will drop but knowing I can't keep juggling forever. I'm hoping once I'm through surgery, I'll be better. My mind will be more at ease, my dangerous ways will go to the side and my choices will be in more Randi fashion. I'm scattered, all over the place, not the Randi people are used to and appreciate. Currently, I hear whispers of is she drinking too much, is she okay, what's going on with her? I'll tell y'all what's going on with me, I'm scared. I suck at being scared. I've been scared for over a year now. Cancer fucks with you. It fucks with your mind, body and soul. Being told you have cancer with no signs is bad enough. Being told you might have all these other cancers is fucking ridiculous. I'm told I have a small chance of this cancer coming back but a huge chance of these other cancers popping up. And these cancers have little to no warning, but don't worry because having all of your lady parts removed will greatly reduce your chances. You still have to take an estrogen blocker for 5-10 years, and get yearly colonoscopies and an upper endoscopy every three years. You still see an oncologist til you're dead, but don't worry because you probably won't get cancer again.

What if I never chose to get a mammogram in 2015?! Would I have stage 3 or 4 breast cancer? Or would I have stayed at stage 2 until the cancer broke out into my lymph nodes. I know many of you don't understand me and my current state of mind. I wouldn't, it's different for everyone but it's really different when you've never had cancer. Those affected by cancer reading this blog can attest that everyday is truly an opportunity to live. Everyday is a new day in our books, an opportunity to start a new chapter. An opportunity to end a previous story and start a new one. I'm scared.... But I really am trying to not be. I'm trying to work​ through these feelings through therapy, surgery, beer and blogging. Please don't save me, I got this.

What makes a woman?

As I'm coming closer to my full hysterectomy, I'm wondering, what makes a woman? It can't be breasts, mine are gone. It can't be a reproductive system, mine will soon be gone. It can't be estrogen, I'm on two blockers. Is it my smile? My shapely legs? My laugh? My feminine facial features? It can't be my attraction to guys, there are plenty of women attracted to guys, gals and in between. Perhaps it's my maternal nature....LOL. For those who know me, you know this definitely isn't it.

Perhaps it's how I make guys feel when they are around me, loved and safe. I feel more laughter is ensuing....I'm really struggling with still feeling like a woman after all I've been through and are going through. By definition, I feel like I'm losing what makes me female. I would say I know this is silly, but is it? In the span of less than two years, my body has changed and is continuing to change so much. My idea of where I'd be has been altered dramatically, perhaps not for the worse, but still altered.

I'm 37, divorced, trying to maintain a relationship with my stepsons (something I never thought I'd want), breast cancer survivor, full of scars, trying to date in this technological age, learning that worrying does no good and understanding that life really does go on. Life continues after battles of all kinds, heartbreaks, hurt, loss, love gone wrong and love gone right. I realize that my friends are my greatest weapon, they prop me up when needed and bring me down when required. A friend described me as being in a spiral currently, this couldn't be more true. Whether I'm spiraling up, spiraling down or just spinning remains to be seen.

All of my worries and fears are coming out in potentially destructive ways, nothing new to me or those close to me. I'm scared of a third abdominal surgery, of cancer being found, handling being divorced, living with my ex husband, stepson(s) and younger sister and being the landlord and housemom, helping my Mom during her transition, trying to stay ahead at work where I've been a rockstar for nearly a decade but am slowly losing this status. I justify my actions based on these and so many other worries, but sometimes actions aren't justifiable, you just do them to do them. Deep down you know better but you ignore that voice and just keep pushing hoping, knowing it'll work out. After all, it always does.

As I'm contemplating my feminity, I'll continue rocking my dresses and heels and smile when asked how I'm doing. Anything else would be unRandi like...

Scars

Internal, external, physical, emotional... I have all types of scars, they define me as a person and document my journey thus far. Some are from childhood, mistakes, poor choices, surgeries, heart breaks, loss, love. I know that at my base I'm a great person, but that doesn't mean I haven't worked hard to get here. I still do stupid shit, make bad choices, ignore problems, avoid issues. Lately, I've felt really positive about my trajectory of life but this week was hard. I had my port removed, missed a couple days of work due to being sick, realized I really need to address my debt and money habits and started thinking maybe I would like a relationship sooner than I was anticipating. I would like to wake up next to someone who wants me for me, accepts my flaws but applauds and supports my efforts to change/evolve/grow.

I'm not saying I want to get married or have someone move in, but it is nice rolling over and seeing someone you want in your bed beside you. I know that inside I'm going through a lot and outside I'm wearing a smile and putting my best foot forward. I'm scared about my hysterectomy in a few weeks, what type of woman will I be after? Will sex hurt again, will I still want sex, will my hot flashes get worse, will my moods swing or three million other things I haven't thought of. It's my third stomach surgery in as many years, just another scar on an abdomen full of them.

I was asked today to send a naked pic, online dating is weird y'all; in my youth, that would have been easy and fun to tease a guy who I'll probably never meet. Today I thought, do I explain my scars? Do I try to get a shot where my stomach scar isn't as noticeable? No, I'm not sending a naked pic, but it made me pause. When I look in the mirror I see a tired Randi. A Randi who could use a fucking break; no surgeries to worry about, no dating dilemmas, no dogs needing vet appointments, no guilt for drinking too much beer (yes, I know I do), no tears for my journey this past year, no money concerns, no sickness. I know this is all life, it just is what it is, but at some point you just feel drained. My pool is low, the water level isn't what it used to be.

Although I'm enjoying meeting new guys, having sex (safely) and laughing along the way, it would still be nice to be asked on a date. Does that even happen anymore? Or is it all dick pics and meeting over a beer or two? Chatting online is fun but I could really go for a genuine date. I love being told I'm sexy, pretty and cute based on my pics but nothing beats the genuine look in a man's eyes when he sees you and truly means, "you look beautiful". This is sappy stuff coming from me, but I can be a girl every now and again.

The port removal was akin to the end of an era as a friend described it today. I had that port 14 months, I of course have a scar but it was nice to think I don't need any more infusions. I don't have to see my oncologist for three months, no more monthly injections, just my daily estrogen blocker pill. The cancer era is coming to a close, it feels like it ruled my life forever ago, but also not so long ago.