Deep breath....

I took a deep breath this week and told my husband I want a divorce. It was hard, it was emotionally draining, it was sad.... it was freeing. We went through this 3 years ago and reconciled, but we didn't really. He moved back into the bedroom but we didn't really. What we did was continue a cycle of being married, living together, but not living. We have known each other for over 9 years. We have been through loss of work, illness, medical issues, working different shifts, losing a home and buying a home, becoming a stepmom, me going through cancer, working full time and going to school full time, going to school while not working due to the course load. We have done it, we have survived, we have also realized that surviving isn't everything.

There is NEVER, a good time to say the words, "I ... Want... A... Divorce". There just isn't. What is a good time is when you finally say those words and the feeling of relief, freedom and just a sense of this is the right course of action comes over you. Ending a marriage sucks....a lot. Feelings are involved, emotions are high, decisions have to be made. But you know what?! It's worth it. I haven't felt so positive about my future happiness. That probably sounds really fucking mean, but I stand by it. I know in my heart and brain that this choice is right; although it will hurt, we will both come out on the other side better. By better, I mean better friends, better people, better to each other.

Going through cancer sucked!!!! It sucked for me, it sucked for my husband, it sucked for my friends and loved ones. However; it does make you realize and understand how truly fragile this life is. I haven't been happy for a long time, he has been happy to an extent but when we really talk, he knows it's the right choice. We love each other and want what's best for each other, but are not in love with each other. What does that mean? For me, wanting to French kiss my spouse; wanting to see them at the end of a day; not wanting them to see other people; feeling happiness due to that relationship.

I am in no way trying to disparage our marriage. We could continue on our path forever. However, this path isn't paved with the stones we both desire and deserve. We both deserve to have someone who loves us as much as we love. Tall order? If course... Life is a tall order. Life isn't guaranteed, life isn't  planned, life isn't a straight arrow. The twists and turns are what make it life.

I wanted to post tonight to calm the worriers, to squelch any rumors (not sure if there are, but covering the bases), to identify that life is life. Cancer Sucks. Being unhappy sucks more, at least for me. This new leg of the journey isn't going to be easy. We own a house. I have two stepsons. I have four dogs, where the fuck can we move to?

But... These things are not reasons to stay married. Everything happens for a reason, and this bump is another opportunity to rise above. Nobody is to blame... Nobody is to hate... Nobody is to feel sorry for... It will work out the way it should. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be awkward at times? Yes. Will we have to live together until our house sells? Unfortunately, Yes. Will we come out stronger? Absofuckinglutely

We are great friends and both of us want to retain that. We both want to support each other; we both want my stepsons to know they are loved; we both want me to find a place to live that will accept four dogs after the house sells, LOL. Most importantly, we both deserve, no, need happiness. We are fucking kickass people who have every right to love ourselves and our path in life. It'll all work out...

It will not be easy, there will be tears, beer, correction craft beer, definitely involved. In the end, Randi will be Randi again and that floats my heart...