15%

I saw my oncologist today and learned I have a 15% chance of my cancer coming back. This means I have an 85% chance of never seeing it again as a fellow survivor posted. I'll be honest, I expected more of a 3% chance, 15 feels high but my oncologist isn't worried so I'm not either. My friend Cat sent me a text with a great quote, "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that really isn't you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

This quote totally sums up my recent blog posts, now the question, "Who am I meant to be?" I feel like such a brat sometimes complaining about really nothing. Life isn't easy, fair or awesome all of the time. As my boss tells me, I just need to chill and live in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have, and how lucky I am that my cancer was caught early. I am working on trying to get back to life, albeit it's hard after focusing on cancer for 8 months.

My husband thought of a great title for my book, " My journey towards death and how Mortimer saved me". Mortimer is my stuffed TRex that my co-workers got me. He's been to every chemo and Herceptin appointment, and kept me company at the hospital. I try to selfie with him during my appointments, I'm always there for at least a couple hours so plenty of time. I am about 4 pages into my book and I'm just writing without an outline or really an idea of what I want to say other than talking about my cancer, telling funny stories and of course mentioning my dogs. It's very cathartic reliving the last almost year, especially trying to remember my feelings and the emotions I had, and still have.

I am very much realizing that I'm just a hot mess. I don't know what I want, where I want to go, what my heart desires, what my soul craves and that's just going to have to be okay for right now. I don't have to figure these questions out immediately, I have time. Thanks to my kickass cancer team, I have the rest of my life to develop new questions, find answers, don't find answers, find out who I'm meant to be. I just need to slow my roll....