First Cancer Survivor Group

Over three months after surgery and I visited my first cancer survivor group tonight.  I met a member of Young Survivors Coalition,  https://www.youngsurvival.org/, at an OSU cancer conference prior to my surgery and wasn't able to attend any meetings until tonight.  I really thought that I would hate joining a group of women discussing/complaining/talking about their cancer, but I was pleasantly surprised.  One of the most important things I've learned about cancer is that every single person has a different experience from chemo, to doctors, to surgery, to post cancer. Tonight, I heard from several women and each of them has different things to say, different feelings to share, different perspectives to hear. It was so nice to listen to women that are currently in chemo, recently out of cancer, a few years out of cancer, and everywhere in between.  I felt vindicated that my feelings aren't crazy, it makes sense to want to do something else and feel frustrated making it through cancer and trying to return to "regular life" and having issues adjusting.

There were discussions around doctor's appointments, how to find what feeds your soul, finding support for your spouse or loved one and "playing the Cancer card". Our meeting was at a local Cancer Support Community center, http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/, which I didn't even know existed and I learned about many resources for me and Chuck that are free.  The services extend beyond cancer survivors and spouses to other loved ones and supporters. I was of course loud and felt like I talked too much, but everything I said seemed to be familiar to the women in the room. Everything they said was familiar to me. I understood the feelings being expressed, I felt a connection to women I only met a half hour before during "social time" prior to the actual meeting starting. I saw myself in their eyes as they discussed being angry, upset, confused and unsure of next steps.  I really saw myself in the women who said "Fuck", soulmates (heart emoji)!  I heard them when they talked about how to focus on yourself during chemo, surgery and after and not feeling guilty for not responding to a text, email, phone call.  The "cancer card" is a viable reason not to do something, anything, that you would normally do.  The purpose of going through cancer is to focus on getting better; for many of us it's forced us to find inner strength, realize who our true friends and loved ones are, and not feel guilty for the little things. True friends understand that you really wanted to attend their party; real family knows that you're just too tired to return their voicemail; loved ones want to help but are aware that you may just need their thoughts and prayers.

I am still struggling with the everyday... the getting up, going to work, being a productive member of society but I'm getting better.  I'm trying to go into work with a positive attitude, and obviously looking good doing it. :-D  I am seeing a therapist to help work through my feelings, talk through my finances and in general just have a sounding board. I'm still on the border for vet school, it's always been a dream, but I'm also trying to be realistic regarding my ability and want to attend school the next 6+ years carrying a shitload of debt. Is being a vet still my dream, or one that I've had so long that I just don't know what I want to do?  I am still stuck with not wanting to live in my current cubicle forever, but at the same time I'm stuck with my job that rocks when you consider the flexibility, my bosses, and benefits.  How do I find the compromise?  No idea, but each week I feel that I have an answer that's different from last week.  I feel lost but am still trying to live in the moment and not get overwhelmed with the future.  

In the past week I sold my car to save my household money which was a REALLY hard decision.  I loved my car, and it was able to be used to transport rescue dogs which makes my heart happy. However, the $600+ we're saving on car payment, insurance, gas, maintenance also makes my heart happy; the savings won.... My husband and I are talking about selling our house during this seller's market and downsizing..... or at least getting a ranch style home which we would both love.  There are times I look in the mirror and can't believe I'm 37. I can't believe I'm 37 and unhappy with my job for no discernible reason and internally discussing what I want to be when I grow up.  The more people I talk to, the more I realize that we are all in this boat.  The logical part of us recognizes that the choices we've made are important, they sustain what we've come to love; the dreamer part of us still wants childhood dreams where mortgages, car payments, insurance, and retirement plans don't come into play.  

I am a dreamer, realist, pessimist, optimist, winner, loser, cancer survivor.... I am a wife, sister, daughter, stepmother, friend, best friend forever, coworker, wife and I appreciate all of the relationships I've found and those that have stayed with me during this difficult journey. I know that none of you can answer my questions regarding my life... I know that none of you can answer whether or not I should or shouldn't attend vet school... I also know that you love me and want what's best for me, and for that I can't thank you enough.  I assume I'll continue keeping on, keeping on as I work through my feelings and confusion; and it's good to know I'm not alone.  So many other people, cancer survivor or not, are in the same boat.... We are all just floating together in a wide open sea, I hope y'all have your floaties....