Crossroads

I am at a physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual crossroad. I've survived cancer, now what? Obviously I go back to work, back to rescue, back to life but I don't want to go back. At least not in the same way. I really want to start figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. I am so blessed with my job and the ability to volunteer but I'm still missing something.

I am physically dreading returning to my cubicle in three days. It's stupid, I know this. There are people with no jobs, shitty jobs, lesser jobs, on and on. When I see myself in 5-10 years, it isn't in housing finance. I always assumed it would be involved in helping animals. Finding a position in a company with similar goals and vision; to help animals in need. I'm not having a post cancer crisis, I've felt this way for awhile. I am awesome gosh darnit, and I know I'm meant for more!!

I just don't know what more is. I've always wanted to be a vet, but it's a LOT of debt for relatively little pay. I'm currently toying with becoming a lawyer, having the opportunity to use my voice and knowledge to challenge breed specific legislation, help service animals, etc. I'm also considering writing a book that will obviously be published so I can pay off current debt (college ain't cheap folks). Is this a mid life crisis? I'm not buying a Ferrari or leaving Chuck for a 22 year old, but I can feel my creative juices needing an outlet.

When I found rescue 8 years ago, it literally filled a hole in my heart and soul. I finally found a way to help without being a vet. As I've gotten more involved in rescue I recognize I could never do it full time, but I know there's a way to rescue while having a full time job somehow still helping but not being emotionally drained by both.

Maybe I just need a job change, something more manageable than earning a doctorate. Sigh..... I just feel that at 37, I don't want to be 40/43/47 thinking these same thoughts and imagining the what ifs. I know few people who enjoy their jobs, but the ones I know make me envious. I'm not saying doing what you love and are passionate about is easy. It's still hard work, still takes dedication, but I imagine that passion helps get through some of the tough stuff.

While I'm having this existential breakdown, here's an update on post surgery Randi. My stomach incision is sore, it's still healing and on days when I do too much it's painful. I have successfully not napped in a week which I feel is impressive. The swelling on my right side under the armpit is less, it's still kind of numb, but better. The incisions on my breasts are doing really good, only a few scabs. My upcoming revision surgery should be pretty easy which makes me happy. I'm driving, doing housework and pretty much back to normal. I just need to pace myself and listen to my body. Spanx are still close by to help with the compression and are a huge help after a long day.

Post cancer Randi is obviously a little lost but I know I'll get back on track. Routine will help, getting a little more focus will definitely help. If y'all have suggestions on how to get my caboose back on track, I'm listening. The front of my train is chugging along, it just needs some course correction.