Randi's Vacation

I am spending the week before surgery in Myrtle Beach, SC. I couldn't have picked a better place to relax, sleep and get my head together before my big surgery next Tuesday. This is the last week to appreciate my boobs, they've always been with me but are slowly killing me. I still have no idea why I have cancer, maybe it was the decade plus that I smoked; maybe it's the alcohol I've consumed; maybe it's the hand full of hot dogs that I've eaten. I'll never know, but the important thing is that by opting for a double mastectomy, I'm able to literally cut out the cancer. Since I'm young and use to my 40D's, I'm also choosing reconstruction.

The method being used will remove tissue from my stomach and make new C cups that I can be proud of. It's so weird when I put on my bathing suit thinking this is the last time people can enjoy my natural cleavage... This is the last time I'll put on my bras. After surgery it might be easier to find bras, 40D isn't the most common size.

I am trying to use this week to come to terms with my cancer, come to terms with my fear and come to terms with myself. I can't stand the thought of worrying about this disease anymore. The removal of my breasts reduces my risk of cancer in one area, I still have to worry about it coming back elsewhere which just sucks.

I am a few days into this vacation, and really enjoying myself. I've sat on the beach, swam in a pool and had some good conversation. I slept late today which is always fabulous. I am really enjoying my time off work, hard to believe I know... I am going to thoroughly enjoy the rest of my vacation and feel okay if I have sad moments or feel angry. The whole purpose is to just be me...