Cancer Thoughts

Cancer just fucking sucks. There, I said it, there is nothing good about this awful disease. I am lucky to now be a survivor but a fellow rescuer recently passed away from terminal cancer. She was diagnosed early June 2016 and died a couple weeks later. I never met her personally but have known her through email and Facebook for many years. She was a great woman who rocked at rescue and from what I've heard was also a great person. RIP Sue Beedoo Bixler, I hope you're surrounded by loved ones both furry and non furry.

My hair is still coming in so people still want to tell me their cancer stories and want to know the type of cancer I had. I'm looking forward to not looking like a chemo patient. I'll always look like a cancer patient under my clothes due to the surgical scars; but it would be nice to have a beer without someone blessing me, touching or kissing my head, telling me about a family member who died of cancer or the hugs.

I found out this week that a previous coworker who beat cancer had it come back in full force. Stage 4 kidney. WTF?! Why can't cancer just leave us alone? Once is enough for a lifetime. My husband read of a woman who beat breast cancer and had a double mastectomy and then the cancer came back, stage 4 in her lungs. This is so unbelievably scary. I would like to not have to worry about a second cancer, but it'll always be in the back of my brain.

On the plus side I am finally able to wear bras! I dropped a cup size but am still a D cup (I thought I was a D before but I think I was a DD and just wore the wrong bras). It's been nice not having the sports bra straps showing in every shirt. I am able to go without spanx also but honestly my stomach hurt when I didn't wear them so spanx will remain a part of my wardrobe a little longer.

I saw my plastic surgeon on Friday and we talked about my upcoming revision surgery to clean up my breasts and stomach. Luckily I had a great surgery and only need a few things done like perking up my boobs (they feel and look like flat pancakes to me, not as round), smoothing my stomach incision (there are little flaps on each side) and possibly removing tissue from the left side of my breast if it isn't all swelling. I am personally opting to not have nipples reconstructed, it's nice to not worry about cold rooms or thin bras.

I plan to tattoo my breasts with a pretty garden of flowers instead. I feel like this will not only cover some scars, but will also be a way of making my constant cancer reminder into something beautiful. I currently feel very uncomfortable with my body, I'm hoping this gets better over time. My abdomen is just so ugly with a port, circular scars on my breasts, scars from the drains, scars from last year's stomach surgery and a giant stomach scar. I've never been a swimsuit model, but I've always felt comfortable naked. This is just going to take time.

I'm a little over a week from returning to work and starting to get a little anxious. I have been so focused on cancer that I wasn't at my best these past few months. I'm hoping that I can get back in the groove and enjoy my job again. I am not looking forward to going back to work, lottery please, but am appreciative for the time I've had off to focus on healing mentally and physically.

To my friends who are fighting cancer, I'm thinking of you. To those that have beaten cancer, I hope you never have to fight again.