The Holidays

It's been well over a month since my last blog post.  I would like to say that I've been busy globetrotting, rescuing, winning the lottery, falling in love or many of the other fabulous things I dream of. The reality is, I've been busy, depressed, anxious, lonely and in a place that has been hard to get out of.  I've tried climbing, hiding, medicating, crying and anything else I can think of, or not have to think of, in order to make it through.  I'm in a really weird place; going through a divorce, celebrating being over 6 months cancer free, adjusting to my new body, working through emotions of becoming single after a decade long relationship, working through my current living arrangement with my younger sister, soon to be ex-husband and youngest stepson, home renovations to make my house my home, feeling stalled at work with few options of advancement, and the other issues of daily life.

I am having an issue moving forward, just getting out of bed has become a personal chore. Luckily, I have made the decision to move forward to my next phase of medication for estrogen blocking allowing me to return to my beloved Cymbalta. The Effexor that I was on allowed me to take Tamoxifen, an estrogen blocker, but didn't work for my anxiety or depression.  The Effexor was supposed to help with my hot flashes, but I still sweat, carry a fan and am generally uncomfortable most of the time so it didn't make sense to remain on medication that wasn't helping.  The downside is I'm now on a monthly injection and daily medication throwing me into full blown menopause at the ripe age of 37.  It's been two weeks today since I've returned to Cymbalta, I am feeling better and trying to get out of bed on a daily basis.  This past week I returned home to Texas to help my Mother empty her 3 bedroom home to move most of her belongings to my house so she can fulfill her dream of selling her home and becoming a full time RVer. This is a crazy, fantabulous idea that I'm jealous of, worried about and excited for her to start her adventure.

This past week I flew home with my younger sister and we went through my Mom's entire house, garage and shed and drove back a 20' UHaul filled to the max with furniture, clothes, Christmas decorations, memories, memories and more memories. The visit was emotional, we went through childhood clothes, stuffed animals, schoolwork and so many other items that brought back good and bad times. I have made the drive to and/or from Texas to Ohio well over a dozen times in my life, but this may have been my last drive.  I regretted not taking my Blueberry's ashes with me, he currently rests on my mantle with the ashes of Teddy and Harlee, but I want to spread him on the drive between here and home.  He made the drive with me multiple times and it seemed fitting to spread him between his two homes, but alas I forgot to pack him. I am always excited when I land in Texas, it's my home, where I grew up, where I went to school, where I had my first boyfriend, fiancé, break up, apartment, etc., etc. Once my Mother is gone, will I visit anymore?  I don't know. I may not have any reason to which is weird and a little unsettling.  Ohio may officially become my home....

I am having a lot of issues surrounding getting dressed and feeling confident, which isn't like me, I normally have a smile and feel I'm an awesome woman.  Lately, I just feel ugly, manly and not attractive.  I hate my short hair, it isn't a style I would have ever chosen; it isn't a cut that I would have ever dared to try; it isn't hair that makes me feel confident, sexy or pretty; I miss my long hair. I appreciate everyone that feels the style makes me look attractive, but it just isn't me.  I hate my scars, I feel like I have more every day or they are getting darker and more noticeable.  My dog bites are reopening, probably because Pepper licks them at night, but it's annoying and they seem to not lighten or lessen.  My stomach scar is just as dark as it was when it appeared after my surgery in May.  My breasts are tender and hurt often, they aren't comfortable and the scars on one breast are deeper than the other.  I feel my drain scars every time I put on a bra. My right side is still tender and swollen, I'm awaiting permission from a doctor and insurance to start physical therapy to reduce the swelling and hopefully alleviate the pain.  I go to get checked for lymphedema every couple months and so far so good.

I finished my last infusion a couple of weeks ago, it's wonderful to know that I don't have to plan to go to have medicine injected into my port every three weeks.  However, I traded this infusion for a monthly injection, yeahhhh....  I need to reschedule my revision surgery to correct my reconstruction, it's a minor surgery but will still need time off work to complete.  I need to schedule my hysterectomy, I'm asked each time I see a doctor related to cancer when it's scheduled and I'm reminded that it needs to be sooner than later.  The likeliness of my cancer returning is strong and worrisome, I just need time to get this done.  I need vacation time, sick time, personal leave; you know, leave to take time off work but still get paid.  Every time I have a day available, it's used in one fashion or another.  I am working long days to make up for time taken off, whether it's because I'm sick, doing something for the house, going out of town, balancing doctor appointments; there just isn't enough time.

I am trying to stay positive, telling myself that my life is great; I even posted a list of why I'm thankful for the next month to remind myself of everything I have outside my desk.  The list is easy to fill, the reasons flow easily, I truly am a lucky bitch.  I just need to start each day reminding myself that I'm blessed, for those that suffer from depression or other issues, you know that even these healing thoughts don't always help you get out of bed, shower and get your day started.

I am excited about New Years, I'm flying to Boston to spend the weekend with two great friends in their beautiful home!!!  I have never visited the city and what a great way to start the New Year!!  I'm always telling myself that I'm lucky; I'm in a great place; I have amazing friends; I'm going through an amicable divorce that allows us to remain friends; I have an amazing Mom who is going through her own struggles but working to support me; I have a kickass job that allows flexibility, great pay, great benefits; I have a beautiful home that I'm making more beautiful with improvements; I have wonderful dogs that make my heart smile; I have hair; I have breasts; I am cancer free; I am alive.