Big girl panties

There are so many times recently that I just don't want to.... Insert just about anything here, get up, go to work, clean, move from my chair.... During these times, I remind myself that as a functioning adult I often have to do these things regardless of my emotional state. I have to pull on my big girl panties, not the smaller seamless kind, the pairs used for periods, bloating and laundry days. I have to pull myself out of the funk and be responsible because that's what Adulting is.

I am currently wearing said panties as I re enter the work force like a normal human and wake up, drive, deal with traffic, park a few miles from work and shuttle into the office. These panties are forcing me to realize me not being fulfilled at work doesn't matter. Nobody is fulfilled, or at least a majority of society isn't.  We all recognize that work is a means to an end, it provides the financing needed to survive. Perhaps a part of that surviving involves some sort of fulfillment through volunteering, being a good parent, working part time at a start up, or your own business.

I'm currently seeking a second job, which flat out pisses me off, but it's a must if we are going to get a handle on our debt. My student loans are ridiculous and if I'm working I can't spend money, so that's a plus. We entered our marriage debt free except for our house and two cars. Over the past eight years, shit has happened that forced us to make different choices than we normally would have and now we have to pay for it. Literally

The worst part about a part time job is finding one with hours you want that pays half decent which I find annoying. I'm worth more than $10/hour, but finding a decent paying evening/some weekends job is hard. There just aren't that many. My other option is to continue searching for a full time job that pays better with the same benefits. I totally wish I could do sales, I know there's money to be had in that industry but I just don't care if a customer purchases an item or not. This is definitely not a good quality in a saleswoman.

These damn panties are going to need to keep me going as I return to the office full time, search for a second job, try to get mildly healthier and keep my positivity. I did see a therapist today, and she feels we can work together to get through this funk. For that, I am appreciative.... But I'm also appreciative that I haven't lost it and gotten in my Escape and driven to another city to start over as Maryanne Werther from Iowa with a clever back story.... Either way, I'm working towards getting through post cancer....