I made it

I made it, I made it through the cancer journey that lasted less than a year. I made it through five months of chemo, a weekend anguishing over whether I had cancer, two months waiting for surgery, a 13 hour surgery, the loss and reconstruction of both breasts, a 2 month recovery including missing work and now onto the what if's. What if cancer comes back?  What if I have my colonoscopy and cancer is found?  What if I wait too long to have my hysterectomy and cancer forms, or has already formed?  What if I choose to start school again to become a veterinarian and learn I hate it or should I stick with business instead of math and science?  What if I can't afford my student loans, which I currently can't?  What if I make a mistake and take a new job that still leaves me feeling like I'm missing out on something?  What if I continue on my current path and crash and burn because I'm just not feeling like dealing with life, not the living part, the "living" part?  What if I just want to live, drink, be merry, be happy without working, without worrying about paying for the mortgage, the electric, my cars, my dogs, but wait then how do I pay for my beer?

I am so tired of this feeling of being in between rocks, I need to climb out, but can't find my footholds.  I am normally a direct person, I know what I want and I go for it. Currently, I am wishy washy, frustrated, annoyed and unsure how to get to my next stepping stone.  I feel a little paralyzed at the thought of moving forward but unsure how to take a new path.  I know my friends are supportive of any path that I choose and will help me get there, but first I need to pick a direction... Does this mean different job, continuing on with school, staying at my current great job, looking at getting a second job to help with those aforementioned student loans, getting back involved with rescue to the point that I use to be, continuing with my book idea (I'm a few pages in), screaming to the stars "What do I want to do?!!!". I just don't know and it's killing me emotionally.

I tried to go to a young cancer survivor's group last week but traffic was AWFUL due to a soccer game and teeny bopper concert so I missed the opportunity.  I was hoping to ask fellow young survivor's if they are experiencing the same thing, how did they move from focusing on literally trying to survive to going back to a cubicle/office/job?  I plan to ask at the next meeting, or send a message, or somehow communicate; hopefully I'm not the only one!  I have felt lost for a little while but cancer and turning 37 has really brought home that I am not entirely happy with my point in life which is stupid.  I have a great job, beautiful home, nice car, great husband, great friends; what is wrong with me?!  I did apply to be a bartender at a new brewery opening in GC and am hopeful they give me a call. I love craft beer and discussing it with other beer lovers.  It would be a good opportunity to get out of the house doing something I enjoy, make a little extra money and be close to home.

Internal Monologue:   Randi, get your shit together!  Your life is amazing, you're amazing, get out of this funk!  For those of you who suffer from any form of depression, I'm sure this sounds familiar. For those of you who don't, I'm sure this sounds familiar.....