This post is in regards to my recent visit to a young breast cancer survivor symposium, if you are one of my nieces, nephews, or a friends parent, please note that there is cursing and some sexual content included. NSFW means not safe for work
I am one lucky bitch..... I have a village of individuals, friends, previous coworkers, family, and Facebook friends who have followed and supported me during my breast cancer journey. This village threw me a benefit, took me to appointments, sent words of encouragement, among many, many other things. This past weekend, I learned the difference between my village and my tribe. I attended a young survivor coalition symposium where 150 women gathered to share their stories, experiences, and feelings surrounding being a woman under 40 diagnosed with breast cancer. This organization is celebrating 20 years this year, and this was my first symposium. I am hesitant to attend anything breast cancer related, because I strive to be a positive person, and a lot of women have a lot of feels surrounding their diagnosis and journey and the event/meeting tends to be negative and fucking sad. I chose to attend this symposium due to the topics being discussed, specifically surrounding sex and body image issues. I learned that these women are my tribe, they understand this leg of my journey; they understand how I feel when I am scared of cancer coming back, or feeling uncomfortable with the changes in my body from surgeries resulting in scars.
I couldn't be happier that I chose to attend!!! The panels were informative and engaging, there was encouragement to ask questions, assist other women with their concerns, and just be yourself. I am blunt, loud, and curse; I am a no holds barred type of gal who isn't for everyone. However, I felt right at home with a variety of women, some shy, some shy. There are survivors that were diagnosed close to my diagnosis date, there were women with metastatic cancer, there were newly diagnosed women, and women over a decade out from diagnosis. We were different colored lanyards to identify our status so we could seek each other out. I really gained a lot from the sessions, I need to live my truth, I don't owe it to any man to discuss my diagnosis. I really struggle with this..... I want to be up front and talk about myself and my life, but some men don't want to be involved with a women who's gone through this. They aren't prepared for the physical, emotional, and mental scars; and that's okay!!! I am at times embarrassed to discuss my journey thus far, I don't want pity, or to hear, "But you made it!". I don't want anyone to look at my breasts and say but at least they look good! Every time I'm naked, it's a reminder of chemo, surgery, and pain.
At this symposium, a sex therapist suggested writing a letter to your breasts and/or body saying goodbye to the old and welcoming the new. She feels that identifying how your body, and it's parts, assist you in life is helpful for moving to the next stage. A woman discussed how she's always struggled with loving her stomach, but was able to identify what a wonderful cat throne it is. We had a short session of meditation, focusing on the part of our body that we really struggle with accepting. I thought it would be my mid section, but it was my right leg that is covered with dog bites that will never heal. My mid section is only seen by me, doctors, and lovers (or potential lovers). My leg however is seen everyday by everyone. It's ugly, and really mars my great legs. I catch people staring at it, wondering what the fuck happened. During this meditation session, I focused on the fact that I have legs; I can walk, run, and sit on them; I still look good in a dress, just not the same as before.
The same therapist suggested that during sex, if my partner is uncomfortable with my body, then I can wear lingerie and never take it off. I feel that this advice was helpful for other women, but for me that isn't an option. I don't want to have sex where I don't take my clothes off, unless it's really hot, and you're having to be quick. As I stated I am comfortable with my scars, they represent what I've gone through, and I can't wait to get tattoos to represent my journey and beautify myself. I am not a woman to wear clothing to cover myself up for someone else's benefit. Again, for some women, this isn't just an option, it could be a life saver for their sex life. There were many women at the symposium who haven't had sex since surgery because they are scared. How will their bodies feel? Will they have feeling? Will anything hurt? Will their partners be accepting? What if they only have one breast, or no breasts; will they still be seen as attractive? What if they had surgery to recreate breasts but there have been complications and their breasts aren't symmetrical? There are so many issues surrounding your body image after going through a traumatic ordeal.
There was also discussion surrounding women who haven't gone through what we've gone through, but have the same body image issues. Guys fall into this category too. Showing your most vulnerable self to a partner is scary as fuck. What if they notice that stretch mark, what if they hate my new belly button (I kind of wish I wouldn't have gotten one, it's just weird, and literally has no purpose other than me needing to clean it); what if they thought you were thinner but then you take off your shaper and they see rolls, and OMG fat....... I left this symposium with a renewed self worth, I don't it to anyone to discuss my scars unless I'm comfortable, and if they run, it's better to know now. If they want to see what I'm referring to, there are plenty of images on the internet. If they see these images and are horrified, then it's better we get that out of the way. I don't want to immediately discuss my stop along the journey concerning surgeries and chemo, and it's okay if I tell a guy that exact thing.
We discussed erotica, different lubricants, and that it's normal to be dry. We all need to be moisturized, from our skin to our interior. There were tears during this past weekend, women recognizing that what they've been experiencing is normal, and they aren't alone. My tribe of women have been through so much, but the healing starts with each one of us. Breast cancer is a small part of Randi, it does not define me. Yes, I am reminded daily; yes, others remind me; yes, when I look in the mirror I see hair that isn't mine, I see scars that shouldn't be there, I see a tattoo that I chose to get on my right wrist to remind me that I beat cancer, score is 1 Randi and 0 BC.
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