Post Chemo

Chemo is done, now the scary stuff. I hate to admit it but I'm scared. The next steps are scarier to me than chemo. I am scared to lose my boobs, go through surgery, develop new scars and have to worry about more cancer for the rest of my life. I don't want new breasts, I like mine. The worst part is that I don't have to undergo a bilateral mastectomy, I'm choosing to.

I have never had such a big surgery, last year was my first surgery and it was scary to consider being under anesthesia for a couple of hours. This time, I'll be under for at least seven hours. I've completed a POA for my healthcare, and considered what needs to be in my will. My husband constantly worries about me and I try to tell him not to. Worrying doesn't help, but it's hard not to.

My anxiety and depression are getting worse, I've always suffered from both and take medication to keep them at bay. I wish that I could just push through some days when I wake up feeling unsure and sad. Luckily, I have an understanding workplace, friends and husband who let me have a sad day or two when I need them. I feel that I do pretty good most days, I'm positive and smile and laugh. I don't feel like I have cancer which helps.

What doesn't help is when chemo side effects are present, currently my nails all look bruised and I'm hoping they don't fall off. My arms and face feel burned, and my face is more red than usual. I keep getting hot flashes on my head and arms which will hopefully subside soon. It also never helps when people tell me about their friend/family member/coworker who died from cancer. Example- well meaning family member knew a coworker who was cleared from breast cancer but died three months later from brain cancer. How do you respond to that?! Again, well meaning, goal was for me to obtain more tests to determine if cancer is elsewhere.

I have found myself crying yesterday and today with no desire to leave my house. I don't mind being productive inside, but I don't want to deal with anyone or have to hold back my tears. As I've said before, I hate crying, but I also know that it's healthy. I'm going through a lot and if my body says slow down and cry, I'm listening. I just hope it doesn't take hold and last too long.

On a happy note, I can get my teeth cleaned and a pedicure in a couple of weeks. The condition of my nails will determine when this is possible but at least it's on the horizon. Something to smile about, :-D