I use to be a drinker. By this I mean I could out drink most people, out drink bartenders and surprise those around me with my alcohol intake. I am no longer this person. I want to be, and still try, but I can't. My tolerance is no longer what it use to be, my ability to do shots is severely impaired but I don't want to accept this. I still want to be Randi, whether it be drunk Randi or otherwise.
How do I reconcile the fact that I can't handle my liquor?! Easy, DON'T DRINK. It doesn't get easier than that. Stop it, you can't do what you use to and that's okay. I'm internalizing my fears about surgery and instead of talking about it like a normal person, I fall into my old habits of drinking. This isn't a surprise, but is a problem. Most people get upset when they talk about alcoholism, I for a fact am an alcoholic. This is just a fact, embarrassing, but true. I suck at accepting my current situation, I need to talk to someone about my concerns.
My husband, luckily, is always there to catch me but at some point he won't be. I hate recognizing my own faults, but this is one I need to come to terms with. I can't go to happy hour on my own, how sad is that?!! I need a watcher to make sure I don't make an ass out of myself, I needed this in my twenties but I'm 36 years old. If I can't face my own problems, there's an issue. I have an issue...
I'm going to try to talk to someone today, like a therapy person. I need help to get through this leg of my journey. You have no idea how much that pains me to say but I'm not strong enough to do this without guidance. I am not capable of making good choices anymore, I am stuck in my own cycle of mess. I'm just a hot mess, how do I cool off?
It takes a strong person to openly admit something like this! You're in my thoughts... Also, our EAP people are amazing! They also can pull strings with our insurance if needed.
ReplyDeleteThanks Melissa! I saw EAP today
ReplyDeleteThis one was challenging to read for me. Just as much as you don't want to admit it, neither do I. I applaud you for your courage. I am here and thinking of you always,
ReplyDeleteThanks Vi!
DeleteJust the first thought that ran through my head: you're like me-like the Asians (not all) that can't break down alcohol in your body fast enough. I get drunk on a couple of sips of wine. Let me tell you-saved me a ton of money over the years! No worries girl-I know drinking was a big part of your life and that's probably what's annoying-the fact that you are changing but not on your terms. But you will get better-so take it one day at a time-or as in your other post 15 mins at a time
ReplyDeleteThank you Ann!!
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