PTSD

Yesterday, during movie previews, a preview came on that made me teary eyed. I sat in the theater in near darkness, with tears running down my face, the movie is Thank You For Your Service, it comes out fall 2017.  No, I don't have PTSD, I am lucky to have never endured an event or events to cause this diagnosis. I was married to a man who served in the Army for nearly two decades, and he has PTSD.  We went through it together in the beginning of our relationship, and there were scary moments, sad moments, moments that don't have a name. This movie made me remember that my ex-husband and I had a lot of moments that helped define both of us. I remembered the times he saw dead soldiers in his sleep and had conversations, I remembered when he would lay on top of me to protect me from whatever he thought was breaking down our door, or doors.  I thought about the times that he cried so hard because he hated how he felt, he was so scared of what he would do in his sleep, when he wasn't conscious. He has often told me that I helped make him a better person, he's grown and changed into the man he is because of our relationship.

I feel that I failed him sometimes by ending our marriage, that I walked away from a person who knows me better than almost anyone. Although we are better off friends, I will always feel that I understand PTSD better than the person sitting next to me.  Than the audience that will sit watching Thank You For Your Service. This is a short blog, but the purpose of a blog is to share your thoughts, experiences, and words that flow from your fingertips. I'm not even sure why I felt the need to post this one, but that feeling yesterday in the old theater in Abilene brought back memories.