Sisters

Sisters, sisters... There were never such devoted sisters. I have two sisters, an older and a younger. My older sister is living her life in Dayton and my younger sister lives with me. Having sisters is a blessing, and a curse. We aren't typical sisters.... same father, different mothers, age differences, distance, differing personalities, you know sister stuff. I am not the best sister, I get angry, frustrated, I don't communicate effectively, or sometimes at all.  I've gotten so used to my best friends being my sisters that I forget I have real ones. I don't let them know when I'm in the ER, meet someone new, have an amazing day, or an awful day.  They normally find out on Facebook.  Lately, it's been difficult to talk to my youngest sister, she drives me insane and raises an anger I haven't felt in years. She's often afraid to talk to me, which makes me feel fucking awful.

I am not emotional, hate tears, hate talking about feelings, terribly hate discussing my past, what makes me ache, hurts my heart, makes me feel.  My younger sister is the opposite, she is sensitive, emotional, so much like our mother. I don't know how to handle her sometimes, I don't know how to relate. She feels I'm being mean to her, and I feel that she's too sensitive. She thinks I'm a cruel person who curses too much, is too honest, too up front.  I think she's too easy to get hurt. Together we are fire and ice, I'm honestly not sure which is which sometimes.  It's frustrating to live with a person whom you love, and have been through a lot with (our childhood had some downs). I know that she holds a lot of our past over my head, I hold how she feels over her head.

I keep hoping we are going to have a great day, then we start out great, but by the end of the day, you'd think world war three was about to start. You'd think my face couldn't get any redder, her voice couldn't get any quieter.  I was hoping that we being together, in my home, would bring us close.  We haven't lived under the same roof for 20 years.  I left home early, had an entire life that she wasn't apart of; she did the same. I'm still hopeful that after a year, we will work through our anger, our love, our uncomfortableness.  I really think that every day we are getting better, until another road block comes up.  At the end of the day, I'm appreciative of her.  I'm glad she's my sister.  No matter how much she makes me pull out what hair, that I'm proud to have earned after chemo..... She's my sister. We have a past, but we also have a future.  I can never express to her how much she means to me, I can't say the words she needs to hear to know that I don't hate her.  I hope that she reads this blog and knows that I care about her.  She means a lot in my life, I am unable to thank her enough for supporting my journey even when it annoys her.  She wants to live her own life, and to be truthful, is a little jealous that I'm living mine.

Thank you Alta for watching my fluffies, Pepper who bites and pees and poops wherever he wants because he's a dick; Gracie Mae who craves human comfort; Hazelnut who can't drink, she somehow gets water on her tail; and Coco who eats when she wants. Thank you for caring for our home, it's my house, but our home.  Each of us adds to its feeling, I don't know if we can live together forever, but I wouldn't have been able to take this adventure without you.  I couldn't take this next step without knowing that even though you get so frustrated with me and are selfish at times, you still care.  I can't make this journey alone; I have my sister, my Mom, my ex-husband, best friend, friends, Facebook friends, and everyone reading this blog, liking my posts, reaching out on LinkedIn.

Thank you to my supporters.... my life is kickass, but it wouldn't be without my village.  Love y'all