Good morning, it's Wednesday and I'm obviously going through some things. The biggest issue with a blog is that everyone who reads it wants to fix your issues. Friends and family want to address the concerns and offer solutions. My purpose for having a blog is to have an outlet for me. I write better than I talk and feel more comfortable writing my feelings than sharing them. Although I appreciate every one of you, please don't feel compelled to fix me. I know what my mistakes are, where my skeletons are hidden and who I'm making concerned/mad/upset. I'm fully aware that I'm on a dangerous path. This isn't a new road for me, I've been here before, but this time I have way more to lose.
I am juggling currently, not sure which ball will drop but knowing I can't keep juggling forever. I'm hoping once I'm through surgery, I'll be better. My mind will be more at ease, my dangerous ways will go to the side and my choices will be in more Randi fashion. I'm scattered, all over the place, not the Randi people are used to and appreciate. Currently, I hear whispers of is she drinking too much, is she okay, what's going on with her? I'll tell y'all what's going on with me, I'm scared. I suck at being scared. I've been scared for over a year now. Cancer fucks with you. It fucks with your mind, body and soul. Being told you have cancer with no signs is bad enough. Being told you might have all these other cancers is fucking ridiculous. I'm told I have a small chance of this cancer coming back but a huge chance of these other cancers popping up. And these cancers have little to no warning, but don't worry because having all of your lady parts removed will greatly reduce your chances. You still have to take an estrogen blocker for 5-10 years, and get yearly colonoscopies and an upper endoscopy every three years. You still see an oncologist til you're dead, but don't worry because you probably won't get cancer again.
What if I never chose to get a mammogram in 2015?! Would I have stage 3 or 4 breast cancer? Or would I have stayed at stage 2 until the cancer broke out into my lymph nodes. I know many of you don't understand me and my current state of mind. I wouldn't, it's different for everyone but it's really different when you've never had cancer. Those affected by cancer reading this blog can attest that everyday is truly an opportunity to live. Everyday is a new day in our books, an opportunity to start a new chapter. An opportunity to end a previous story and start a new one. I'm scared.... But I really am trying to not be. I'm trying to work through these feelings through therapy, surgery, beer and blogging. Please don't save me, I got this.
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