Cancer

Hey y'all, it's been awhile since I've posted.  Today's post is straight about cancer... I survived but a friend's husband and my sister's favorite boss did not in the past year.  Why did I survive when two fathers died?  We all had different stages and types of cancer but cancer knows no friends.  Cancer is a hammer, it sees nails everywhere and hits as hard as it can until the nail is pounded so hard it can't be driven anymore into the wood. This afternoon, my sister received the call that her favorite boss passed away from complications of his pancreatic cancer, he was stage 2.  Last year, a coworker/friend lost her husband after a cancer battle that lasted a few years.  I had stage 2 not even a year ago, but here I am.  I'm currently hating my job, drinking too much, enjoying too much sex and just trying to survive.  I celebrated my year anniversary of my last day of chemo, that was a huge achievement.  I'll be celebrating my year anniversary of being cancer free May 17th, that's still a couple months away.

Many don't understand why I do what I do, they don't understand that my personal gift of existence is hard to swallow.  My personal reason for surviving is difficult on a daily basis, I recently had the remainder of my woman parts removed.... everything.  I no longer have estrogen, breasts, cervix, ovaries, etc. but I'm getting used to my short hair and scars but they both bother me daily.  I am an absolute beautiful mess. I pay my bills, support my friends (I hope), support my family (again, I hope), try to be a good employee (although I've been told I've fallen flat in the past year), and still volunteer when I can.  I try to be a good dog mom, a good ex stepmom, a good friend, daughter, sister, best friend, coworker, I try to be a good homeowner, car owner, bill payer; I try to be good to my body, I recently started going to the gym (it's supposed to help with my hot flashes). I try to maintain a jovial manner in all conversations because nobody wants to hear my fears, depression, or sadness.

I'm surrounded by amazing people who love and care about me and would help me move a dead body, pick me up from the bar, feed my dogs, get me through a bad day.  However, I am still in a place of awe that I survived, I'm a fucking cancer survivor.  It hurts daily that I look in the mirror and see hair that I didn't choose, scars that I now have to explain, pain that I didn't want. I'm trying to survive in all the ways I can, every time I can make a show, a movie, a date; I feel lucky that I was able to attend, show up, participate.  I met with a fellow cancer survivor that had similar cancer to me and we both seem to feel the same.... how do we move on?  How do we not worry that every pain, ache, scar isn't a sign of another cancer?  How do we go to the multiple doctors that we will see for life and not worry that they found cancer in a blood test, tumor removal, scan?  It just fucking sucks to constantly be worried. It just sucks to be concerned that anything could be a sign of something worse.  I went for a fucking mammogram with no family history or signs to find out I had stage 2 aggressive breast cancer.  That will always fucking suck.

I've been online dating which is CRAZY, you have to have a sense of humor to make it through this shit.  The amount of dick pics I've received is crazy, the amount of times I've been offered to fuck, suck, blow is insane.  I'm sure there are decent guys online but I'm not sure how to find them.  When you message guys, they rarely reply, or when they do it's awful grammar, spelling, pictures, no attraction or straight up douche baggery. However I have a good sense of humor and appreciate dragging out conversations that go nowhere just to call bullshit.  I have met a few nice guys, emphasis on a FEW, out of the hundreds that I have messaged or swiped right or left on. I'm not sure if I'm looking for a guy to date, a guy to fuck, a guy to see movies, a guy to seriously date, my person.  I do know that I'd like to have someone to do stuff with and sleep with because damnit I enjoy sex, is that so wrong?  I don't want Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday night guys but man are they out there.  Single life is fun if you make it fun, don't get down if you haven't met the right person; be excited that you're alive able to date, able to choose, able to go to the movies, shows, dinners at your choosing whether by yourself or with another.

I'm alive, I'm surviving, I'm making it each day. Do I make poor choices, absofuckinglutely!!!!  I'm told often that my friends and family are glad I made it, good for me.  Yay.... I didn't choose cancer, I didn't choose chemo, I didn't choose short hair, I didn't choose to miss so much work, I didn't choose to be tired, I didn't choose to fall out of love with my ex husband, I didn't choose to change.... but I have chosen to live.  I've chosen to be me, loud mouth, cursing, curvy me.