Scars

Internal, external, physical, emotional... I have all types of scars, they define me as a person and document my journey thus far. Some are from childhood, mistakes, poor choices, surgeries, heart breaks, loss, love. I know that at my base I'm a great person, but that doesn't mean I haven't worked hard to get here. I still do stupid shit, make bad choices, ignore problems, avoid issues. Lately, I've felt really positive about my trajectory of life but this week was hard. I had my port removed, missed a couple days of work due to being sick, realized I really need to address my debt and money habits and started thinking maybe I would like a relationship sooner than I was anticipating. I would like to wake up next to someone who wants me for me, accepts my flaws but applauds and supports my efforts to change/evolve/grow.

I'm not saying I want to get married or have someone move in, but it is nice rolling over and seeing someone you want in your bed beside you. I know that inside I'm going through a lot and outside I'm wearing a smile and putting my best foot forward. I'm scared about my hysterectomy in a few weeks, what type of woman will I be after? Will sex hurt again, will I still want sex, will my hot flashes get worse, will my moods swing or three million other things I haven't thought of. It's my third stomach surgery in as many years, just another scar on an abdomen full of them.

I was asked today to send a naked pic, online dating is weird y'all; in my youth, that would have been easy and fun to tease a guy who I'll probably never meet. Today I thought, do I explain my scars? Do I try to get a shot where my stomach scar isn't as noticeable? No, I'm not sending a naked pic, but it made me pause. When I look in the mirror I see a tired Randi. A Randi who could use a fucking break; no surgeries to worry about, no dating dilemmas, no dogs needing vet appointments, no guilt for drinking too much beer (yes, I know I do), no tears for my journey this past year, no money concerns, no sickness. I know this is all life, it just is what it is, but at some point you just feel drained. My pool is low, the water level isn't what it used to be.

Although I'm enjoying meeting new guys, having sex (safely) and laughing along the way, it would still be nice to be asked on a date. Does that even happen anymore? Or is it all dick pics and meeting over a beer or two? Chatting online is fun but I could really go for a genuine date. I love being told I'm sexy, pretty and cute based on my pics but nothing beats the genuine look in a man's eyes when he sees you and truly means, "you look beautiful". This is sappy stuff coming from me, but I can be a girl every now and again.

The port removal was akin to the end of an era as a friend described it today. I had that port 14 months, I of course have a scar but it was nice to think I don't need any more infusions. I don't have to see my oncologist for three months, no more monthly injections, just my daily estrogen blocker pill. The cancer era is coming to a close, it feels like it ruled my life forever ago, but also not so long ago.