Adulting

Adulting is a newer term used to identify when we've made a responsible decision, completed a task that probably sucks but needed to be done or many other times when ignoring the problem no longer felt like the right choice. We Adult every time we choose to go to work and save a sick day, pay off a credit card instead of using the available credit on new shoes and telling a friend that dress sucks. I have been Adulting for a while, but lately I feel as though I'm failing.

I had what my husband calls a sad day yesterday, full of anxiety and consisted of me curled in a ball in my bed all day. It's hard to explain anxiety/depression to anyone, including those you love, but it's an illness that I take  Cymbalta for and usually keep ahead. The realisation that my chemo is coming to an end and surgery decisions are going to be made is scary. My brain keeps dreaming that I have other types of cancer, that my MRI will discover  more cancer requiring radiation. I also dream that cancer will be found during my hysterectomy which is unlikely. I try not to worry about the unknown, but thoughts slip in.

I work to keep a positive attitude and not get bogged down in the unknown, it is easy to fall within this abyss and let worries become overwhelming. I strive to find a balance, a way to cope with the unknown while maintaining a positive outlook. I choose to Adult most days; I make it to work, pay bills, take care of the dogs, try to remember to say hello to friends, etc. I have definitely realised it can be worse in many, many ways from a worse cancer to having no support to having a lesser job with lower quality benefits and unsupportive management. The worse can go on and on, but so can the good from supportive friends/family/coworkers, great job with amazing benefits, a loving home and triple positive instead of triple negative breast cancer. Although my cancer is aggressive and invasive, by all accounts it has been contained.

I am hopeful that as the end of chemo nears and my next steps are identified, I'll be able to calm down my brain and silence the worry. I'm not good at waiting and cancer most definitely equals waiting. I will do better focusing and caring once my life has better direction and dates are set. Today, as I sit waiting for chemo to pour through my port, I look around at these women and men and wonder if they have the same fears, same frustrations, same anxiety or are they experiencing worse or better. How are they Adulting?