If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding

For me, meat is my meds and pudding is getting through life. I take 7 pills a day, an estrogen blocker to ensure my cancer is not fed, a baby aspirin to prevent other cancers due to my genetic predisposition to other cancers, a multi vitamin, a pill for night sweats, a pill for depression and anxiety, and a pill to control my thyroid. Lately, I am lacking in the area of taking most of these pills. Currently, I'm out of my depression/anxiety and my thyroid medication.

I have been making some poor choices; some professional, some personal. I am a pretty self aware person and recognize I've been making these choices, but haven't been focusing on making different choices. This week, I realized part of my issue is I haven't been eating my meat. I haven't kept up on my prescriptions and as much as it angers me, I need them to survive. I literally can't go through life without them; they keep me sane, able to make better choices, able to feel better about myself, others, everything.

I hate taking medicine, I will wait until a headache is so bad it affects me in other ways before I'll take Ibuprofen. I'm 38, as of last Monday, and it pisses me off to be so reliant on drugs; but at the end of the day, it just doesn't matter how I feel. I need to suck it up, grow up, and fill my pill box every two weeks like clockwork. I can't explain away everything on missing some of my pills, but I can attest that they sure as hell contribute.

I have 3 medications that have been added to my regimen due to cancer. It fucking sucks to take these pills, morning and/or night, each swallow again reminds me I can't go back. However, I need to start looking forward, I need to start remembering that new opportunities will also come out of cancer, it isn't all doom and gloom. I'm trying to find these opportunities as often as possible, I'm working to pull myself up by my bootstraps and march forward, looking forward to my pudding.