It's lonely out here among the stars....

I am of the true belief that each of us changed the trajectory of the universe the day we were born. The stars were in a specific order the day we graced the world; the ocean tides were ebbing and flowing just for us that day. I don't know if I believe in fate, but I do believe everything happens for a reason. I got cancer so another person wouldn't. I married my ex husband to help us both become better people. I work for my employer because it turns out, I'm very good at my job.

However, I don't know that I believe in true love, or love at first sight, or that there are pre determined people born to be our true love. Love is so all encompassing, it transcends physical attraction towards mutual respect, status, want of children, need for escape. I have been lucky to have met some wonderful men, and unlucky in having met some awful men. I'm an independent woman who appreciates her ability to survive on her own, with her own job, home, car, sense of self worth... I don't need, nor do I desire, a partner to make my life complete. I don't need a man to greet the sun each day, nor say good night to the moon each night.

In saying this, it's nice to wake up next to someone you're excited to talk to. It's exciting to roll over and see a smile meant just for you. I miss coming home to someone who wants to see me as much as I want to see them; bursting at the seams to explain our day, daydreaming of talking to each other about Facebook, emails, phone calls, text messages. I'm also realistic that I would like to start with a dinner, a cup of coffee, a movie, a show. I'd like a guy to respond to a message from an online dating app, to say, "Hello", at the local store with a look of intrigue, and no ring on his finger.

Obviously, I've been officially single more than six months. I've been seeking a partner to do stuff with; I've been hoping for a decent, fun loving guy to want more than sex. I am on multiple online dating sites including Tinder, Okcupid, Plenty of Fish, and FarmersOnly. I've paid for eHarmony, Zoosk, and Match. What have I learned? Everyone wants sex, everyone is interested in blowjobs, everyone says they want to date, meet a person, until a single female messages wanting the same things. I've never met so many men solely interested in literally one thing. I've never met so many men who are cruel, negatively inquiring, crude, truly awful creatures.

My foray into the dating world in my late 30's is the most disappointing journey I've ever been on. My lackluster approach moving forward is purely due to experience. If anyone knows a good guy, who I would realistically be attracted to, let me know. I know that you find someone when you quit looking. I just want a person to have fun with, more than once, more than one date.

The purpose of this post is that I'm lonely, not just for a partner to kiss and more.... I'm lonely for friends, companionship. I have amazing friends, they are supportive, loving, and kick-ass people. However, they are parents and spouses. They aren't available for a movie during the week, a comedy show on a Saturday night, or a walk on the Columbus Ale Trail. I am tired of lonely lunches, tickets for one, smiles that don't reach my eyes when I confirm I'm alone anywhere.

The universe changed the day I was born... Lives were forever affected...if only I could not feel so alone despite technology, friendship, and how awesome I am.