What makes a woman?

As I'm coming closer to my full hysterectomy, I'm wondering, what makes a woman? It can't be breasts, mine are gone. It can't be a reproductive system, mine will soon be gone. It can't be estrogen, I'm on two blockers. Is it my smile? My shapely legs? My laugh? My feminine facial features? It can't be my attraction to guys, there are plenty of women attracted to guys, gals and in between. Perhaps it's my maternal nature....LOL. For those who know me, you know this definitely isn't it.

Perhaps it's how I make guys feel when they are around me, loved and safe. I feel more laughter is ensuing....I'm really struggling with still feeling like a woman after all I've been through and are going through. By definition, I feel like I'm losing what makes me female. I would say I know this is silly, but is it? In the span of less than two years, my body has changed and is continuing to change so much. My idea of where I'd be has been altered dramatically, perhaps not for the worse, but still altered.

I'm 37, divorced, trying to maintain a relationship with my stepsons (something I never thought I'd want), breast cancer survivor, full of scars, trying to date in this technological age, learning that worrying does no good and understanding that life really does go on. Life continues after battles of all kinds, heartbreaks, hurt, loss, love gone wrong and love gone right. I realize that my friends are my greatest weapon, they prop me up when needed and bring me down when required. A friend described me as being in a spiral currently, this couldn't be more true. Whether I'm spiraling up, spiraling down or just spinning remains to be seen.

All of my worries and fears are coming out in potentially destructive ways, nothing new to me or those close to me. I'm scared of a third abdominal surgery, of cancer being found, handling being divorced, living with my ex husband, stepson(s) and younger sister and being the landlord and housemom, helping my Mom during her transition, trying to stay ahead at work where I've been a rockstar for nearly a decade but am slowly losing this status. I justify my actions based on these and so many other worries, but sometimes actions aren't justifiable, you just do them to do them. Deep down you know better but you ignore that voice and just keep pushing hoping, knowing it'll work out. After all, it always does.

As I'm contemplating my feminity, I'll continue rocking my dresses and heels and smile when asked how I'm doing. Anything else would be unRandi like...