Tonight

It's nearly 1 a.m. and I woke my husband up whining with tears. I was snuggled in my recliner surrounded by Pepper and Gracie Mae when my mouth started watering and I immediately knew I needed to vomit. I began dry heaving, quickly put the dogs on the floor, threw my covers and pillows off, put the recliner upright and ran to the powder room (which luckily is only a few steps away).

I debated how to vomit, standing or sitting. Either way, the dry heaving brought tears to my eyes; my incision was on fire and hurt at every heave. I cried, heaved and nothing came out but some drool. For most people this wouldn't be that big a deal. For me, it's quite painful. I had stomach surgery January 2015 to eliminate my acid reflux and due to this surgery, I'm unable to vomit. I can only dry heave. At the same time, I peed myself trying to vomit and wanted to lay on the floor.

I have no idea what triggered the dry heaving, I ate pretty normally and have been drinking my water. My last drain was removed today (high five) but that shouldn't have affected anything. I walked up the stairs once I felt comfortable moving, after letting the dogs out because as other dog parents understand your dogs always want to go out. I laid on the bed and explained what happened and that I needed a new pair of underwear.

My husband kissed my forehead and asked what he could do. We agreed on gas pills and nausea medicine since I was burping often. The burping was just air, I didn't feel nauseous and wasn't sure how else he could help. So, I changed, came back downstairs and Chuck brought me a Sprite which always makes me feel better (maybe it's in my head, but Sprite helps). I got settled back in the recliner, dried my tears and thanked Chuck for his help.

WTF?! Why did this feeling come on so suddenly? I am obviously not comfy to begin with and added pain is not welcome. I don't know where the weird wanting to vomit feeling came from and hope it doesn't come back.

I am normally an early to bed kind of girl but since my schedule is anything but normal these days, I sleep when I'm tired and wake when I want. Very rarely in adult life do you get this type of freedom so I am taking advantage. Now, I'm still awake an hour later a little worried about going to sleep, but I feel the weird incident was just that, weird. I am a little addicted to watching shows dedicated to tiny houses, a current housing trend, and plan to finish this current episode and then hopefully drift off to sleep.

I'm lucky

I just lost both breasts, had reconstruction completed using my stomach tissue, and had three lymph nodes removed from my right side at the age of 36. I believe I'm 99% clear of cancer if I understood my breast surgeon correctly. I also believe that I have like a 2% chance of it coming back as breast cancer. I went through five months of aggressive chemo, multiple scans, biopsies and doctor appointments; all since October 2015.

I feel lucky that I have gone through all of this and whatever is in store for me in the future. I have great health insurance that has covered all of my visits, biopsies, scans, chemotherapy, mammograms (minus my first one that the hospital luckily covered, it was 3D and considered experimental by UHC). I have a wonderful employer that has allowed me to take the time off that I've needed, allowed me to work a flexible schedule, work from home when needed and given such amazing support from when I was diagnosed to now. I have an amazing husband who has been more scared than me at times but stood by my side to help me physically and emotionally.

I have amazing friends who threw a fricking benefit in my honor and started a Go Fund Me to ensure we could afford cancer. A trailer was raffled off, friends donated their bar as the location and friends and family contributed their time, money and other resources in my honor. I have a beautiful home where I am comfortable and safe and surrounded by love; furry and non furry. I have two reliable vehicles that have taken me to Riverside Hospital, Bing Cancer Center, Columbus Oncology, and a few other places safely. I've also had friends and family offer to drive me if needed, as far away as Indiana; thank you Molly.

I am relatively healthy which has helped me get through everything from chemo to surgery. I have a mostly positive attitude which has helped me smile through it all; helping myself and those supporting me. I have a kickass sense of humor allowing me to laugh when I need to, and when I don't. I can't imagine starting this journey in October 2005, I was 26 back then with only a few of the things I've listed available to younger me.

I am lucky. I imagine if some of the people in my life had to go through this journey as moms with busy schedules, little or no health insurance, little to no support, non working vehicles or no vehicle, jobs that wouldn't offer options or flexibility. How would they have faired? How much more difficult would this journey have been for them? I truly am the right person to have to undergo this journey. Do I wish I didn't have cancer; of course. Do I wish I didn't have to undergo surgery; absolutely. Do I still consider myself lucky; absofuckinglutely.

Bloody pockets

Today marks a week since I had the big surgery. It's been strange being relegated to our recliner but the dogs have loved having me downstairs and constantly available for pettings. My chi mix Pepper has become my chair companion which isn't like him. Normally he claims our king size bed for his own and only comes down for food and potty time.

My husband has been amazing making sure I'm eating, taking my pills and emptying my drains. He is also feeding the dogs full time and reminding me not to bend or lift my arms. I have six drains, two in my abdomen on each side, and two in each breast. Having such sweet drains attached means I have to constantly carry the drains wherever I go. The drains are bulky and fill with my blood and other bits throughout the day and I drain them twice a day. The drains are kept in pockets within my shirt that the hospital gave me, so I have bloody pockets 24 hours a day.

Showering is a possibility but I do need help from Chuck since I can't lift my arms. The drains move from pockets to a lanyard and hang around my neck. Not having hair is a plus when you can't lift your arms and unable to stand comfortably for long periods. One drain was able to be removed yesterday since it wasn't draining a lot, so I'm down to five.

The drains are irritating and I have to be careful not to pull them out. They are definitely itchy and I have to be cognizant when I'm scratching to not scratch too crazy. My abdomen and boobs are swollen and will be for awhile so I'm taking Ibuprofen in addition to my pain pills. My right arm is still a pain where the nodes were removed but on the bright side they were negative.

I have been watching Netflix, movies and catching up on my DVR. I try to walk a little each day around the house and plan to venture outside tomorrow. I can't be too strenuous to make sure I don't hurt my stitches, drains or cause too much drainage. I feel bad having Chuck take care of me. Normally we are a team, he cooks, I clean, he does laundry, I fold and put the clothes away. I really appreciate him and hope he knows.

Today is our 8 year wedding anniversary and normally I would have gotten him a card and we'd go to dinner. Today, I spent the day in my chair and Chuck cooked a delicious dinner, it was a very nice day. I truly am lucky to have him in my life, he understands my current limitations and doesn't make me feel bad that I can't help around the house. Hopefully once my drains are out I'll feel better and will be able to help around the house and maybe move from the recliner to my bed!

Boobs, belly button and burning

Well, surgery has been completed and I'm on the road to recovery. My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction was Tuesday, May 17th, and I was able to be discharged Friday. I loved the staff at Dublin Methodist, they were all great and extremely supportive. I saw all of my surgeons, and they were each positive about the surgery as a whole and pleased with my incisions and how the surgery sites look. I kept a smile on my face during my stay and the staff appreciated having a positive patient with a good outlook.

The surgery required incisions in both breasts to remove current tissue through my nipples which means I have big skin grafts where nipples would normally be. The tissue was replaced with tissue from my stomach leaving a long incision straight across my stomach with drain tubes on each side. Each breast has two drain tubes and the spots where the drains originate burn something awful.

On Tuesday my breast cancer surgeon and one of my plastic surgeons both wrote on my boobs in black marker. The breast surgeon literally put his initials on me, HA! The way the plastic surgeon marked made me think he would be scooping out my breast from the bottom, not through the nipple openings but I guess it makes more sense to ensure all of the tissue was removed and as much skin was left to make new boobs.

I have no idea what size breasts I have now, they are definitely smaller but also swollen and I'm thinking it will be a few weeks until I know. My husband has also commented that they are smaller, maybe a C cup? Since I've never had different boobs, it's weird having new ones that aren't really new, they are just made from a different part of me.

The incision sites BURN, it's like they are on fire and when I have to drain them the pulling on the tubes is a really strong burning sensation. This pain has been the worst and my major complaint, the nurses and doctors have indicated that my experience is in line with other patients. All types of stuff is draining out, blood, stringy stuff, fat, tissue... as I continue to drain, the color will change from red to a straw yellow color. What is going to drain that's yellow?!

My best friend and her husband brought me an awesome book, T Rex Trying, showing all of the things that T Rex tries to do. I took the book to the hospital and had visitors and staff sign. I'm kind of like a T Rex, walking hunched over with my arms at my sides unable to do a lot currently. My stuffed T Rex Mortimer, Morty for short, also accompanied me and was a welcome addition when I woke up in pain wanting a hug.

A new belly button was made since tissue was cut away, it's currently scabbed and I'm interested to see what it will look like once healed. The long incision is at the base of my stomach and I have to watch hiking my underwear or pants too high. I accidentally tucked one of my drain tubes in my underwear and it opened and spilled on me. Walking around with six drain tubes takes a little bit of care, luckily the hospital gave me a sweet blue soft button up that has pockets for my drains. I'll lose half of them this coming Friday and the rest the following week depending on how much continues to drain.

I'll be sponge bathing for a couple of weeks as I navigate the drains and my ability to stand for long periods. I have been incredibly itchy, from my incision sites to my back to my legs. It's partly from pain pills, partly from not being able to fully shower and partly from a lot of sitting and laying. Since I'm home, my dogs are very confused why I'm not going to bed or feeding them. Gracie Mae, beagle mix, and Pepper, chihuahua mix, both laid on my legs last night as I slept in our recliner.

I've completed my first 24 hours at home and so far so good. I'm surrounded with pillows and Chuck is fabulous as my helper. He's making sure I eat and distributing my pills. I'm very lucky to have him and couldn't ask for a better husband who is able and willing to help me get up and down, drain my tubes, comfort the dogs when they can't sit with me and all of the other tasks that comes with caring for post cancer Randi.

T minus 7 hours

Toenail polish has been removed....body has been cleansed with antiseptic cleanser....talked to my Mom...hugged my best friend, her family and my husband....jewelry has been removed...hospital bag has been packed, including Mortimer my dinosaur....hospital outfit has been picked out...now to somehow sleep.

I am laying in bed with two of my furkids, my other two are close by. Today has been a great day, although it started with two doctor appointments, it ended with hugs and I love yous. I had a great dinner and found two awesome pairs of heels, on sale, that I hope to wear soon.

It's nearly 11 p.m. and I have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for surgery at 7:50 a.m. Two of my best friends will be joining my husband in the morning to start the long wait known as surgery. Another great friend is letting my dogs out and feeding them tomorrow. Many other friends and family will be waiting anxiously by their phones and computers waiting for an update (I assume, because let's face it, I'm pretty awesome). Tomorrow will be a long day for us all, only I'll be asleep missing the action.

My bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction is scheduled for 10-12 hours, longer than a day at work, a good nights sleep and about as long as a good Netflix marathon. I am as mentally prepared as possible, have centered myself and really tried to remember that the advantage of tomorrow is no... more...cancer. I may have to do radiation afterwards but the main event that has been building since October will finally play out.

My right wrist foretells the outcome, Randi 1, BC 0. Tattoos never lie after all.

SEX

First off, sex is a taboo topic... Second, my friends, coworkers, managers and others read this blog...Third, this blog post isn't meant to embarrass my husband or myself... Fourth, sex is important and changes after chemo... Fifth, don't continue reading if this topic makes you uncomfortable... Sixth, I hope this particular topic will help other survivors

I chose not to have sex after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been married for nearly eight years and have been with my husband for nine. Obviously a cancer diagnosis wasn't foreseen and the whirlwind of doctors, concern, worrying and chemo put a damper on my romance. When you're waiting for your diagnosis and to learn next steps, having romantic relations isn't a concern.

I started chemo within a couple weeks of diagnosis and thought about sex a few weeks in. However, I also thought about my chemo side effects and read how they might affect sex. There are stories of dryness, pain, tearing, etc. due to vaginal tissue being soft and similar to the tissue in your mouth. When I learned of my vaginal ulcers in the second month of chemo, it was compared to mouth ulcers that many patients get (again, similar tissue). Surprisingly, or not, sex sounded awful, scary and painful.

During cancer, you want comforted from those you love and in a relationship that comforting usually comes in the form of kissing, hugging and having sex. Even after I got through the vaginal ulcers and started my second round of chemo drugs I was still scared. My husband has been amazingly supportive and agreed that the potential pain wasn't worth it and we would try post chemo.

I am extremely lucky; my husband is beyond supportive and was more worried than me about how my body had been changed. Other women I've read about have sex, despite their discomfort, because they are afraid of losing their husband or their husband straying. I will say right now if that's a concern during cancer, please re evaluate your partner of choice. You need and deserve someone who is just as concerned, or more, of hurting you, making you uncomfortable or forcing you into a decision you don't want to make. Sex is important in relationships, but so is trust, love and all of the other fabulous things that make good partnerships great.

It's been over six weeks since chemo and my husband and I tried sex tonight. We are in the countdown til surgery and it's the last time we will be together with my current body. I was absolutely ready to give it a try and he was supportive of trying, stopping and doing whatever felt comfortable to me. First, my body has definitely changed. Positions don't feel the same, it's like there is a pressure or uncomfortableness that wasn't there before. I wonder if I became like a virgin again, each position just felt weird.

It didn't feel bad necessarily, but not right either. I had a little blood and discomfort after while using the restroom and feel that it was a good first try. We both needed to feel that closeness, but it would have been nice if it felt great. I plan to try again tomorrow, it's our last chance after all before I am down for a few months with a different body.

I personally recommend to women to try sex at your pace. If you're worried about the changes that have or are happening to your body, consult your doctor but more importantly listen to yourself. I can't imagine trying sex during chemo, you're tired, dehydrated, in danger of sores and more likely to get hurt. However, that's just me, chemo and cancer affects everyone differently. Your experience might be different, but remember it's your body and you know what's best.

Yes, I'm home from Myrtle and what better way to welcome me home... ;-)

48 Hours

Well, it's 48 hours until surgery and I'm on the road leaving Myrtle Beach headed to Columbus, Ohio. I have had a great vacation and am sorry to see it end because it means I'm that much closer to a scary long procedure. However, I do miss my husband and furkids. I haven't petted a dog in a week, that is so weird!! I have definitely enjoyed the time away and feel that it was a well deserved vacation.

I was able to swim, burn a little (despite using sunscreen), had some good beer, a few beachy drinks and good conversations with my traveling companions. I am so lucky to have good friends that allowed me to crash their vacation. A couple days I slept in super late but that's what my body wanted to do, and I listened.

The weather was beautiful, it only rained half a day on Friday, otherwise it was sunny and gorgeous. I am not a huge beach fan, don't like the feel of sand and ocean on my feet, but this visit I relished the feeling realizing I won't see the ocean again for awhile. I swam in the pools a few times and it was nice not having to worry about chlorine messing with my hair, ;-).

I'm riding in the back of a Prius feeling my anxiety rising as I head back home. I start tomorrow with a Herceptin infusion and blood draw, but I'll have my husband with me. I'm trying not to get overwhelmed but I'm only 48 hours out, so many things can happen on Tuesday. I'm thinking where is my living will and did I print out my will? I think I just saved it, better get that printed. Should I make a list of who Chuck needs to contact during my surgery Tuesday? How many updates do my friends and loved ones want? Will everyone be on pins and needles as I'm "under the knife" for 10-12 hours? I'll be knocked out but I know Chuck will be a mess. Thank you Cat for taking time off work to spend with him, he shouldn't be alone.

My Mom is no longer able to come up the week after surgery, my younger sister needed her while she was in the hospital and it's hard to be in two places when you're a thousand miles apart. My husband has taken time off so I'll still have a loved one home to help me around. Thank you to everyone who has offered to help, please know how much I appreciate you. During the next nine hours I'm going to rest, kick my feet up and enjoy the ride...

Randi's Vacation

I am spending the week before surgery in Myrtle Beach, SC. I couldn't have picked a better place to relax, sleep and get my head together before my big surgery next Tuesday. This is the last week to appreciate my boobs, they've always been with me but are slowly killing me. I still have no idea why I have cancer, maybe it was the decade plus that I smoked; maybe it's the alcohol I've consumed; maybe it's the hand full of hot dogs that I've eaten. I'll never know, but the important thing is that by opting for a double mastectomy, I'm able to literally cut out the cancer. Since I'm young and use to my 40D's, I'm also choosing reconstruction.

The method being used will remove tissue from my stomach and make new C cups that I can be proud of. It's so weird when I put on my bathing suit thinking this is the last time people can enjoy my natural cleavage... This is the last time I'll put on my bras. After surgery it might be easier to find bras, 40D isn't the most common size.

I am trying to use this week to come to terms with my cancer, come to terms with my fear and come to terms with myself. I can't stand the thought of worrying about this disease anymore. The removal of my breasts reduces my risk of cancer in one area, I still have to worry about it coming back elsewhere which just sucks.

I am a few days into this vacation, and really enjoying myself. I've sat on the beach, swam in a pool and had some good conversation. I slept late today which is always fabulous. I am really enjoying my time off work, hard to believe I know... I am going to thoroughly enjoy the rest of my vacation and feel okay if I have sad moments or feel angry. The whole purpose is to just be me...

Lynch Syndrome

Today I attended a conference/information session on Lynch syndrome, the genetic mutation I have that determines my likeliness to get cancer. It was very informative and nice to be around other people with the same condition. Some have had cancer, some haven't. Mostly Lynch throws colon cancer, uterine, ovarian and a few others but not breast.

I met a woman who also has breast cancer and Lynch syndrome, she's only 40 and also looking for a confidant to talk to.  We exchanged info and I'm hoping we will really talk. I met a young woman with Lynch who luckily hasn't had any cancer but very aware of her risks. I really enjoyed learning more about my risks and talking to others about chemo, cancer, hair growth, etc. I did receive confirmation that support groups can be depressing but might have found a young group that isn't.

I am proud of myself for going, when I woke up I thought about sleeping in. I had Pepper on one side and Gracie and Coco on the other but realized I'll be home bound for awhile and need to get out while I can. Also, I need to start pulling my head out of the sand about my medical stuff. If I'm entering this new state of acceptance, learning new info is a good step.

I felt really unlucky attending a medical event that I fit in both sessions but met another woman in the same boat which helped, I'm not alone. I'm not the only woman scared about surgery, losing her boobs, upset about her hair or trying to be preventative regarding other cancers. One of the topics was depression/stress and it's link to immunity, I thoroughly enjoyed that session. I also learned of some therapists that are learning a new way to approach helping cancer patients.

Although I am a breast cancer suffering Lynch syndrome having woman, it's okay.  A breast cancer survivor told me to take it 15 minutes at a time, then a day and so on. It's easy to become overwhelmed, and that's okay. It's easy to feel alone, and I'm not. It's easy to get scared, and realize it's a valid fear. I'm just gonna keep going with a positive attitude recognizing that I need to cry, yell and come to terms with my current situation. I'm just trying to make it without losing it, the "it" being all encompassing.

Therapy done right

I saw a counselor today, he was very nice, I've seen him before. Pretty much he recommended I attend a breast cancer support group, AA and a one on one counselor to see which is the best fit for me. I honestly have stayed away from a support group because I didn't want to be surrounded by "those people".... You know, other breast cancer having women.

My boss stated my situation perfectly today. I am finally having to accept that I have breast cancer. I have lived in a state of awareness refusing to move to the next state of acceptance. I just fucking hate that I have it, I hate talking about it, I hate living with an invisible disease that could kill me, I hate that there is no reason for me to have it, I hate that within a month of receiving my Masters I learned that my whole life would change for the worst, I hate that I can speak first hand about chemo, I really, really hate that my body is going to be forever changed this month.

I don't know how to travel gracefully between these states, why do tears have to be involved?!! I so hate crying but am coming to terms with the fact that this damn journey is partly a trail of tears. This stupid journey has so many twists and turns, I have no control!!! Man that pisses me off, I like control!

Today was a good day even though I cried, saw a therapist and had a profound realization that I in fact have breast cancer. I enjoyed a Dr Pepper, my favorite, had a bunch of kickass people reach out offering support and hugs and am going to look for a breast cancer support group. Thanks to y'all for reading my blog and letting me know you're there for me.

I am not allowed to drink anymore

I use to be a drinker. By this I mean I could out drink most people, out drink bartenders and surprise those around me with my alcohol intake. I am no longer this person. I want to be, and still try, but I can't. My tolerance is no longer what it use to be, my ability to do shots is severely impaired but I don't want to accept this. I still want to be Randi, whether it be drunk Randi or otherwise.

How do I reconcile the fact that I can't handle my liquor?! Easy, DON'T DRINK. It doesn't get easier than that. Stop it, you can't do what you use to and that's okay. I'm internalizing my fears about surgery and instead of talking about it like a normal person, I fall into my old habits of drinking. This isn't a surprise, but is a problem. Most people get upset when they talk about alcoholism, I for a fact am an alcoholic. This is just a fact, embarrassing, but true. I suck at accepting my current situation, I need to talk to someone about my concerns.

My husband, luckily, is always there to catch me but at some point he won't be. I hate recognizing my own faults, but this is one I need to come to terms with. I can't go to happy hour on my own, how sad is that?!! I need a watcher to make sure I don't make an ass out of myself, I needed this in my twenties but I'm 36 years old. If I can't face my own problems, there's an issue. I have an issue...

I'm going to try to talk to someone today, like a therapy person. I need help to get through this leg of my journey. You have no idea how much that pains me to say but I'm not strong enough to do this without guidance. I am not capable of making good choices anymore, I am stuck in my own cycle of mess. I'm just a hot mess, how do I cool off?

Girls Day

This past Saturday, I had the pleasure of having a girls day. What does this include? Lunch, pedicures and drinking with some of my best friends. We caught up on our lives, talked jobs, boys/men/spouses, cancer, things that made us laugh, the past, etc. As usual we were the loudest group everywhere we went, but in a good way. ;-)

Some friends stayed all day, others left when they had to but we were happy for the time together. Don't feel left out if you weren't invited, we all have circles of friends and this one is 7 people big. Not that we don't want to include others, we normally do, this was just one of those get togethers. As we meandered through the day, it became clear that cancer is on people's minds. I was asked about my cancer, received free drinks and kisses on my head. Somehow I'm an inspiration to others that I've never met, maybe it's being bald and beautiful.

Several of my friends were surprised how bold people can be telling their personal cancer stories, asking about mine and especially the head kissing. Luckily I'm an open person who doesn't mind telling my story although sometimes I don't want to hear yours. Cancer has forced me to embrace patience and enhance my listening look.... That's when it looks like I care but I won't remember what we talked about. I know, it's an awful truth, but I've always sucked at being a good listener. My husband and best friends will vouch for this with no shame.

Even though the purpose of the day was to get together and enjoy our friendship prior to surgery; cancer was a constant reminder for me that I'm literally going to be a new woman at the end summer. This isn't good or bad, just a fact. I'd like to think that if I had my hair it would be different, but honestly having cancer simply makes you different. I'm going through something none of my friends or family has which is a good thing. I don't want them to have first hand knowledge, but it does separate us.

I had a wonderful time Saturday, it was better than I imagined and was more fun than I planned. This was mostly due to the kickass, strong women I have in my life. The sunshine, pretty toes and Summer Shandy helped, but were definitely secondary. I want to thank all of my friends, supporters and others that help keep me positive and worry about me when I'm not looking. This journey has a large club car and I'm glad y'all are on it. Now onto the caboose of this leg of the journey. Surgery in three weeks...

No words

It isn't very often that I don't have something to say... Today was one of those days. A fellow rescuer had her husband's funeral today. He was in his early 40's and passed away suddenly last week. I had no words for her; I gave her a hug, complimented her shoes and stood staring at her husband in the casket. I've known them for over seven years through rescue. Although we aren't close, I know what good hearts they both have and just can't imagine her grief.

Having cancer has brought to light how fragile life truly is but I still don't worry about passing away from it. I don't think about the many women with my type of breast cancer who don't make it, it's too depressing and quite frankly overwhelming. As I stood in line to offer my condolences, it made me think of my husband losing me. He has a real fear of me passing away from cancer or the subsequent surgery's. He doesn't sleep well and tries not to share his concerns with me, but they slip out.

We have all heard carpe diem, YOLO and many other phrases related to seizing the day but nothing prepares you like losing a loved one. As I get closer to my surgery date I'm preparing my will and POA for healthcare to ensure my husband knows my wishes. I'm thinking of who would help take care of my dogs, who would want my fabulous shoes (size 8 1/2-9) or if my mother or sisters would want something specific.

Most of all, I thought of the words spoken at today's service describing a caring man, husband, brother and father. I only knew him through rescue but it was obvious how loved he was. I have become a different person than I ever thought through my love for rescue, my loving husband and life in general that I've built. I hope that if something does happen that I'll have loved ones tell funny stories and talk about my good heart. It won't matter that I have a good job, nice home or decent cars. The time and effort I've put into myself to help others will hopefully shine.

I urge y'all to call that friend you haven't spoken to in years, reach out to your parents, try new opportunities that scare you and most of all be a decent human that brings a little something to this crazy world. We aren't all rescuers, but we all have the ability to make a difference.

My heart goes out to Sarah and her family during this difficult time. Although I don't have the words to share my deepest sympathies, I hope that her loss can be our gain as we seize our days.

Post Chemo

Chemo is done, now the scary stuff. I hate to admit it but I'm scared. The next steps are scarier to me than chemo. I am scared to lose my boobs, go through surgery, develop new scars and have to worry about more cancer for the rest of my life. I don't want new breasts, I like mine. The worst part is that I don't have to undergo a bilateral mastectomy, I'm choosing to.

I have never had such a big surgery, last year was my first surgery and it was scary to consider being under anesthesia for a couple of hours. This time, I'll be under for at least seven hours. I've completed a POA for my healthcare, and considered what needs to be in my will. My husband constantly worries about me and I try to tell him not to. Worrying doesn't help, but it's hard not to.

My anxiety and depression are getting worse, I've always suffered from both and take medication to keep them at bay. I wish that I could just push through some days when I wake up feeling unsure and sad. Luckily, I have an understanding workplace, friends and husband who let me have a sad day or two when I need them. I feel that I do pretty good most days, I'm positive and smile and laugh. I don't feel like I have cancer which helps.

What doesn't help is when chemo side effects are present, currently my nails all look bruised and I'm hoping they don't fall off. My arms and face feel burned, and my face is more red than usual. I keep getting hot flashes on my head and arms which will hopefully subside soon. It also never helps when people tell me about their friend/family member/coworker who died from cancer. Example- well meaning family member knew a coworker who was cleared from breast cancer but died three months later from brain cancer. How do you respond to that?! Again, well meaning, goal was for me to obtain more tests to determine if cancer is elsewhere.

I have found myself crying yesterday and today with no desire to leave my house. I don't mind being productive inside, but I don't want to deal with anyone or have to hold back my tears. As I've said before, I hate crying, but I also know that it's healthy. I'm going through a lot and if my body says slow down and cry, I'm listening. I just hope it doesn't take hold and last too long.

On a happy note, I can get my teeth cleaned and a pedicure in a couple of weeks. The condition of my nails will determine when this is possible but at least it's on the horizon. Something to smile about, :-D

Final Chemo

My final chemotherapy is tomorrow, March 24, 2016. First off, FUCKIN' A!!!!! It has been five months of going to my oncologist's office to infuse poison into my body to combat breast cancer. When I first learned of my need for chemo, I was prepared for tiredness, nausea and the unknown. Luckily, the chemo train has only encountered a few unknowns. For the most part, tiredness and fatigue have been constant companions.

I didn't realize how life changing being on chemo would be. It's like you're in a secret club, only other chemo patients, and your oncologist, understand what you're going through. Terms like chemo brain become a joke, because it's real, and if you don't laugh you'll cry. I tend to be scattered brain at times, but on chemo it's hard to focus let alone multi task. As a person who prides herself on being able to take on multiple tasks and excel at juggling a busy schedule, chemo slowed me way down. Planning for a dinner seemed like a chore, trying to commit to a rescue event became a challenge.

I am thoroughly looking forward to my very last chemo appointment tomorrow with pride and awe. I did it.... I made it through five months and sixteen rounds of chemo. This is where kicking cancers ass comes into play. I still have my job, my friends, my rescue community and family; I don't believe anyone has felt alienated and I still feel like Randi. I know that I still have Herceptin infusions through the end of the year which has a few side effects but the worst is behind me.

My wonderfully fantastic niece Sidney made me a poster to proudly display tomorrow for my last chemo day. I couldn't be more thankful of her taking the time to focus on me and making me smile. At 13, I imagine hearing your aunt has breast cancer is overwhelming and she has been a supporter. I have seen many women on Facebook proudly display their similar posters and truly didn't understand the big deal. Now that it's my turn, I get it, I survived... I'm able to talk about my experience with a smile and a hug if needed to a newbie boarding the chemo train.

The only setback may be my low white blood cell count but I'm not even throwing that to the universe. I am confident I will show up with my poster, blanket and T-Rex Mortimer ready for pictures and congratulations. March 24th will become a date I remember and hopefully my last time I enter chemo into my Google Calendar. Thanks to everyone who has cheered along the way; your support has been invaluable in getting to this point. Look for me on Facebook, I plan to check in around 2 tomorrow and hopefully post my selfie, including my poster and Mortimer, once my blood test comes back good to go.

Almost time to schedule my pedicure...

Showers

I normally LOVE showers! I feel that the best way to start my day is a shower; I feel clean and awake. I am not one to skip a shower. I prefer to be late and get my shower in than on time not feeling clean. However, since cancer I have missed at least one shower a week. I am now a person that is content waking up and moving seamlessly from my bed to my chair and a half with no showering. It's weird, frustrating and worth talking about.

Now when I shower, I am reminded that I have cancer. I don't have pretty hair to wash, I don't have hair to shave and I'm using mild cleansers on my dry, sensitive skin that I wouldn't normally use. I no longer have the beautiful smell of my shampoo and conditioner or my fruity shower gel. The constant smells that are never changing just linger after my shower. The feel of my head is sad, I miss my hair. Although I don't traditionally fix my hair, I now know that I do enjoy the feel of it in my hands and down my back.

My eyebrows are pretty much gone so I also have no desire to wash my face. It just feels sensitive and smooth instead of clean after a good wash. My hair is starting to come back on my legs, but since I bleed just looking at a razor, I'm not shaving yet. I also still have this damn dog bite that won't heal and can't imagine putting a razor so close to my already open sore.

I realized today that I need to renew my license in June, and it will be a picture of my red face with no hair. This is disheartening.... I know it's just my license, but nobody wants a picture reminding them of a difficult journey for the next four years. A quick solution is to lose my license once I'm looking better, thank you husband for the suggestion.

I guess the good news in this shower situation is that I'll be bathing lightly after my surgeries so I'm kind of getting use to not showering which will help. I am trying not to get ahead, but I'm hoping by fall I will enjoy showering again. I want to feel clean and pretty everyday like I use to. I appreciate everyone that tells me I'm beautiful and strong, but really I just want to enjoy my shower again.

Boob discussion

Met with Dr T my plastic surgeon and feel good about my reconstruction. He was patient and talked about my three options. He is supportive of doing flap surgery which will use my abdominal fat and tissue (I have plenty to spare) to make my new breasts. It's a seven to ten hour surgery that will occur mid to late May.

Dr T has a 98% success rate with this surgery and only does breast reconstruction. I did learn that at the time of surgery Dr Lilly, my breast surgeon, will test a few lymph nodes for cancer. If negative, no radiation, so unless something weird happened and my MRI shows more cancer I shouldn't have to worry about radiation.

I'm pretty trusting but I also feel that since Dr Lilly recommended Dr T I can feel comfortable. I of course had to wait for over an hour, but as I've said, cancer equals waiting. Dr T said that I'll go down a cup size which is my intention. The recovery time will be 4-6 weeks and then I can get my hysterectomy. The nice thing is that my Ob/Gyn can go through the same incision which is less scarring.

Today was scary, talking to another surgeon was concerning but I'm glad that it was positive and allowed me to ask questions. Surprisingly Chuck didn't have a lot of questions and I think he also feels good about the plan. I know this won't be my last boob post...

1st leg nearly completed

My breast cancer started September 30, 2015 when I went for my first mammogram. On that day I never could have imagined that five months later, I would be 12 chemo treatments down and scheduling appointments with surgeons. Although these five months haven't necessarily flown by, they have gone quicker than anticipated. I can't believe March is next week and I'll find out the status of my cancer at the end of the month.

I'm beginning to let people know that I'll be out for a few months around the end of April. When did I go from its just a baseline mammogram to I'm changing my body forever and hoping for no radiation?! It's weird and scary but I'm also ready for the next leg of my journey. I have four chemo treatments left, then I'll be planning the removal of both of my breasts, reconstruction surgery and a hysterectomy.

That's a lot for my next leg, I think I'm going to make it a few legs like in transporting for rescue. My next leg is the MRI, surgery consultations and determining if radiation is needed. The third leg will be my double mastectomy and either radiation or reconstruction. My fourth leg will be the hysterectomy and in between I'll still be receiving infusions of Herceptin for the next year every three weeks.

My dreams continue to focus on me finding out I have more than one cancer. This may continue for the rest of my life or end once I get through surgery and have my next colonoscopy. I have read two stories this week of women with stage 2 breast cancer, like me, who have cancer come back as stage four after their mastectomies in different areas of their body. This is beyond scary and heart pounding.

I hate the thought that I'll have to continually check other parts of my body for cancer, forever, but at least I'll be more aware of body changes, symptoms, etc. Hopefully this is a one time opportunity to punch cancer in the throat, but if the opportunity rises again I'm sure I'll be up for the challenge.

I meet with my plastic surgeon tomorrow to discuss my boobs; I'm nervous about the conversation but glad I'll be able to learn of my options. Currently I plan to drop from a D cup to a C, maybe I can wear button downs, but I also may choose to forego new ones altogether. The more I read, the more I learn of women that have had bad experiences with reconstruction and wish they had gone a different route.

As I sign off and hope for better dreams tonight. I leave y'all with the thought that maybe we shouldn't save the tatas, maybe we should focus on saving the women (and men) going through this journey instead. It's tough, rigorous, expensive, scary and actually focused on killing the tatas for the betterment of the traveler.

Adulting

Adulting is a newer term used to identify when we've made a responsible decision, completed a task that probably sucks but needed to be done or many other times when ignoring the problem no longer felt like the right choice. We Adult every time we choose to go to work and save a sick day, pay off a credit card instead of using the available credit on new shoes and telling a friend that dress sucks. I have been Adulting for a while, but lately I feel as though I'm failing.

I had what my husband calls a sad day yesterday, full of anxiety and consisted of me curled in a ball in my bed all day. It's hard to explain anxiety/depression to anyone, including those you love, but it's an illness that I take  Cymbalta for and usually keep ahead. The realisation that my chemo is coming to an end and surgery decisions are going to be made is scary. My brain keeps dreaming that I have other types of cancer, that my MRI will discover  more cancer requiring radiation. I also dream that cancer will be found during my hysterectomy which is unlikely. I try not to worry about the unknown, but thoughts slip in.

I work to keep a positive attitude and not get bogged down in the unknown, it is easy to fall within this abyss and let worries become overwhelming. I strive to find a balance, a way to cope with the unknown while maintaining a positive outlook. I choose to Adult most days; I make it to work, pay bills, take care of the dogs, try to remember to say hello to friends, etc. I have definitely realised it can be worse in many, many ways from a worse cancer to having no support to having a lesser job with lower quality benefits and unsupportive management. The worse can go on and on, but so can the good from supportive friends/family/coworkers, great job with amazing benefits, a loving home and triple positive instead of triple negative breast cancer. Although my cancer is aggressive and invasive, by all accounts it has been contained.

I am hopeful that as the end of chemo nears and my next steps are identified, I'll be able to calm down my brain and silence the worry. I'm not good at waiting and cancer most definitely equals waiting. I will do better focusing and caring once my life has better direction and dates are set. Today, as I sit waiting for chemo to pour through my port, I look around at these women and men and wonder if they have the same fears, same frustrations, same anxiety or are they experiencing worse or better. How are they Adulting?

New year, same cancer

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but that doesn't mean I have nothing to say, ;-). The new year has brought new chemo meds that still make me tired and constantly feel as though the flu is coming on. I'm still keeping a positive attitude but had a tough day last chemo. I received notice of a potential job that I had applied for and was at first excited of their potential interest which grew into frustration at the realization that taking on a new position isn't the smartest move.

My husband and BFF both told me not to let cancer stop me from replying with interest but the realistic part of my brain knows I'm not 100% and taking on a new position would be difficult, not to mention having to take time off for upcoming surgery's. Don't get me wrong, I have an awesome job and they have been nothing but supportive. I'm just ready for a change, and having cancer isn't the change I mean...

I felt angry that cancer has given me vaginal ulcers, caused me to feel drained 24/7, made me frustrated and angry, took away a potential opportunity, made me no longer enjoy Beer or whiskey and overall just sucks. It's good to be upset for a minute, I talked to my husband who shared my frustration and didn't tell me everything would be okay. He just listened which is what I needed.

I had my eighth chemo treatment today, only 8 to go. I'm definitely ready to not miss so much work to go sit in a chair and have poison pumped into me. I've had a few dreams that I have colon cancer, hoping this isn't a preview of my future. Overall I try not to worry about well everything, but there are moments that make me pause.

I forget that breast cancer kills until I read a story or hear from a family member. It's scary stuff and keeps my husband up at night. I think it's weird when people tell me to keep fighting but I guess not being overwhelmed and staying positive are the best moves I have. Not quite a one two punch, but close enough.

2015, we had a time

2015 has been a year of ups and downs, positives and negatives and everything in between. I started the year with a nissen fundoplication, aka stomach surgery for my acid reflux. I was on a liquid diet for a couple months and excited that I could eat and drink again without vomiting acid! That excitement kept on going when Chuck and I flew to Texas to see my mother and sister in May and took Nate to Lego Land in Florida in July. I finished my MBA and graduated in September followed by a wedding between my friend Cat and her wonderful husband.

I'm still amazed that a passing comment by my ob/gyn led to me getting a mammogram that found stage two breast cancer. Thank you insurance for covering mammo's prior to the age of 40. I shudder to think how far the stage would have progressed if not for this life saving test.

My vocabulary and knowledge has broadened this year, from my stomach surgery to learning that I'm triple positive and what that entails. I've learned that vaginal ulcers are real, they hurt and are a side effect of my last round of chemo drugs. I've learned that I suck at healing while on chemo from dog bites to yeast infections, I'm on round three of Diflucan. My body has decided that having a yeast infection, vaginal ulcers and hemorrhoids at the same time is a gift that chemo keeps on giving.

As I look into 2016, I have surgery's to contemplate and yearly colonoscopy's to endure to ensure this cancer is one time only. I truly never considered that breast cancer would be in my future and its certainly made me think of things I should of done, cancer and life insurance, and things I have yet to do. I am holding onto the fact that I'm awesome and will take this journey to heart as I determine my next steps in my career, rescue, etc.

As always, I am truly thankful for my friends, family, husband, Mother and everyone else that has reached out to me. My appreciation knows no limits when I talk about my support system. I've learned that many women aren't so lucky, so please take to heart my thankfulness.

This New Years Eve, we are home, I'm hoping for no diarrhea and the wisdom of my loved ones to stay safe tonight as the alcohol flows. Peace out peeps

Next rounds of chemo

Chemo makes me tired with flu like symptoms. It just plain sucks and I feel like I have the constant flu with aches, chills, etc. I finished my first round of chemo meds and start my next round of new chemo meds next week. Good news is less nausea, bad news is continued fatigue and diarrhea. Like I need any more reason to hate the bathroom.

I still don't feel like I have cancer, I would never know if it weren't for the chemo. I have one of the better cancers, treatable, I have a plan of action and know I'm going to make it through but it still feels weird. My tagline is currently, "I got the cancer", what else do you say to people? I'm still working which is expected on this type of chemo but I really, really wish I could just take life off for the next year and do what I want to do on my good days instead of work.

My husband is amazing and picking up my slack with no complaints but it would be nice to help clean, laundry, etc. on my feel good days. Instead I'm at a desk, working.... It should come to no surprise to those who know me that there is always something I'd rather be doing than working. I truly believe we are meant to win the lottery, our marriage has seen the worst yet we keep trudging through. We deserve a flipping break, at least one years worth.

I'm not counting on 2016 to be this year as cancer will continue and lead the way to surgery's but maybe 2017 will be our year. It feels as though I'm just floating through life with no clear goals and its annoying. I refer back to an earlier post where I mentioned a marathon, I know that isn't realistic but I do need to have a realistic goal that would motivate me. Yes, I have cancer and I need to focus on me but I'm not getting younger and I just feel stagnant. Hard to explain I guess.

I think coming home from work, eating and going to bed is wearing on me like corduroy pants. Loud and annoying. I understand staying positive and living in the moment but it just feels like "meh" in the words of Lyndsay...

Benefit update

I have no words to describe how amazing and awesome today was!!!! My friends go beyond amazing, they are stupendous. The benefit was today and everything was more than I could imagine. Cat and Viola lead the charge followed by Beth, Lyndsay, Lisa, Nicki, Trisha, Salina and Teresa. These women are my best friends and it is no surprise that they threw one hell of a benefit to raise funds for me and my family.

The donations were great, the gift baskets were beautiful and Beths husband was kickass in getting the camper donated. There were so many great people that attended from my sister and her sons, to coworkers, former coworkers, more friends and everyone in between. I can't believe how many supporters I have on this journey. I've said it once and will continue saying it, I'm overwhelmed by the love.

Today started out with me being tired and ended with me being tired but for different reasons. My mouth hurts from smiling, my voice hurts from talking and my arms have never hugged so many. Thank you to everyone involved in making today a success, a thank you card can't hold my gratefulness.

Randi's chemo side effects

Chemotherapy is a necessary evil for those facing cancer, myself included. The treatments are rough on the body and cause varying side effects. Some are tolerable, some are less tolerable and some are plain gross.

Hairloss is one of the common side effects for breast cancer patients. This is frustrating, a little embarrassing, for some demeaning but a tolerable side effect. I have chosen to rock my bald head opposed to wearing a wig or scarf. I am very lucky that my head has a nice round shape, no divets, craters or lumps and brings out my blue eyes. I have some hats if needed to keep my noggin warm here in Ohio but mostly carry a hat in my purse instead of on my head. Yes, it immediately appears that I have cancer, or a wicked fashion sense, but I feel that wearing a scarf or wig would show the same thing.

Hairloss goes beyond my head, I don't have to shave my armpits anymore! I am pretty happy about this because I suck at shaving, I constantly cut myself or in some way cause bleeding. My leg hair isn't completely gone, but close enough so I don't have to shave. Now for the personal hairloss, my girly hair is pretty much gone. It's weird, that hair helps direct pee! I never thought about it until my coworker mentioned that one of her friends learned real quick how helpful that hair is in directing the flow.

Nausea is another common side effect, I've been very lucky and only had a few minor moments when I had to take some meds. Overall, I'm relieved that this side effect hasn't reared its ugly head, yet. I start new chemo drugs in a few weeks and new side effects may emerge.

Now, the gross... I have internal hemorrhoids that I learned of through my multiple colonscopies. They don't bother me, I didn't feel they were there until I started chemo. I now have butt periods, I don't know what else to call them. It sucks! I talked to my oncologist, and chemo flares my internal hemorrhoids so I get to bleed every time I potty. I felt like this was a side effect not discussed, if others have this issue, now you know.

Tired.... So tired. This is my main side effect. I was tired all of the time prior to chemo, but now I constantly feel drained. I receive a white blood cell injection the day after chemo and it wipes me out. I sleep the entire weekend after chemo and feel like I have the flu for a few days. This is what prevents me from making, and potentially breaking plans.

There it is, a quick and dirty overview of side effects from the current chemo. Overall, not that bad but still falls under #cancersucks.....

My benefit is Saturday

How many times in a lifetime does a person have a benefit thrown for them? For me, it's this Saturday, December 12th starting at noon at my friends bar, Triple Shotz (https://m.facebook.com/pages/Triple-Shotz-Cajun-Island-Cafe/629319480556877) at 2700 Brice Rd in Reynoldsburg, Ohio.

There will be amazing auction items including a camper, yes a camper donated by http://www.golittleguy.com/ through my friends RV dealership, http://www.haydocyairstream.com/index.php. A freaking camper has been donated to raffle off in my honor!!! WTF?! It is beyond amazing, overwhelming, exciting and scary that my story moved Little Guy to donate. It's crazy that my journey brought my friends together to organize an amazing benefit to help raise funds for when I'm on leave due to chemo or upcoming surgery's.

I am not a person who cries but this Saturday, how can I not being surrounded by those I love and who care so much about me. I don't know how to thank everyone involved from the board to the organizations and individuals who have donated. My husband and I are humbled at the outpouring of love and generosity. I really hope that I'm able to convey my appreciation because y'all are truly amazingly awesome peeps.

I hope that those reading this blog can come out for fun, prizes, hugs, tears and gratitude. I am pumped to show up around 3 p.m. with my husband in tow to greet so many exceptional friends and family. I'm not sure how to end this post but with thank you, I love you and I appreciate y'all. I am a very lucky woman

Thankful

This Thanksgiving on Facebook, I listed ten things I'm thankful for: my husband, family, friends, home, job, stepsons, health, my Mom, rescue and my dogs. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I feel as though I should have a renewed zest for life. I should be getting healthy, focusing on a bucket list, identifying things I've always wanted to do and setting goals. In reality, I wish I had enough money to take time off for chemo. Not a huge goal, but something I wish I could do.

In general, I'm not a person that wants a whole lot but having cancer does make me wish I had gotten life insurance and cancer insurance if I could. I have been thinking of ways to be happier like finding a job that makes me want to get up everyday and do my best. I have thought this would be by becoming a veterinarian, running a rescue or working for an organization focused on the well being of pets. Perhaps this dream job is still the right path, but definitely not one to pursue during cancer.

I have this feeling that I should be working towards a goal or accomplishment. It's hard to describe, but having a goal to get through cancer isn't cutting it. Maybe my last six years getting my degrees has placed a weird need to be working towards something. Or, maybe I need a hobby that is self fulfilling but not too time consuming or with deadlines.

I'm going to think on this weird feeling and try to figure out what my head and heart want during this frustrating cancer process. Waiting every two weeks, soon to be weekly, to go to chemo and feel bad for a week just sucks. I can't make concrete plans with friends because I might have to cancel due to how I'm feeling and that alone is frustrating. I'm not able to commit to a board or other venture for the same reason and although I love staying home to watch movies, I'm used to being much busier with a calendar to look forward to.

I know everyone understands and I'm focusing on me, but it is still frustrating to feel as though I should/could be doing more. Maybe I'll look into getting my JD, or another Masters, or train to run a marathon. I'll update once I figure it out.

No Hair Randi

Today is the day I've been dreading...my hair fell out in clumps in the shower this morning. I was really counting on it not falling out until the seventh day after chemo and shaving my head on black Friday. Instead, three days after chemo, I pulled my hand away with a significant amount of hair no longer attached.

I yelled for my husband Chuck and he came rushing into the bathroom and told me it would be okay. He asked if today was head shaving day and I said yes. As I finished showering, avoiding touching my hair, he called my BFF Beth and the plan was made to head to Saturdays.

I am not a fussy woman meaning I don't wear makeup, fix my hair, etc. but I do enjoy earrings and pedicures. The loss of my hair put in perspective why so many women fight pretty during this BC war. Other than my earrings, I don't have any other girly thing to do. My hair is gone, I don't see me picking up makeup, but I will continue to paint my nails as long as I can. Fighting pretty now has a whole new meaning.

As the hairstylist turned me around to see my exposed head, Beth and Chuck were right beside me with encouragement and jokes. Just what I needed and wanted in that moment. Today isn't a sad day, its just another leg in this journey, another notch in my BC belt, another day to remember as I inch closer to the finish line.

#cancersucks #baldisbeautiful

I miss Rescue Randi

Since being diagnosed with BC, it has been difficult to make plans knowing I may have to break them due to how I'm feeling or medical appointments. I had planned to get back involved in rescue after I graduated with my MBA in September and joined the board of a non profit offering support to rescues and pet owners, http://www.ohioanimalcompanion.org/. The opportunity seemed like a good fit to ease back into being on a board but not too overwhelming.

I attended one board meeting, received one task, and failed at said task. Luckily, the board is extremely understanding and would like for me to join again after BC. I am appreciative of them and glad they still value my knowledge and experience but it makes me feel like a slacker not helping pets in some way.

I learned about rescue seven years ago when I saw a Craigslist ad for www.stopthesuffering.org needing a foster for a red chow. Being a chow owner and lover, Chuck and I agreed to try fostering, which led to volunteering, which led to transporting, completing home visits, crossposting and becoming a board member. A piece of my soul was finally found through rescue. Needless to say, we became foster failures and the red chow, Coco, is sleeping beside me.

Rescue is one of the most rewarding experiences and one of the most heartbreaking. I love finding the perfect home for a dog, one that truly feels like forever. However, I hate why that dog needs a forever home. Sometimes, the pets past is circumstance, they were lost, or their owner died. But, most of the time, they are abused, unloved, unwanted. The treatment of pets makes my heart cry most days, but the rescuers that step up to save them is what keeps my faith in humanity.

Once I'm back to Randi and able to wear my multiple hats, I look forward to transporting, rescuing, completing home visits, etc. For now I know I have to focus on me and help with rescue in other ways. Don't shop, adopt! Spaying and neutering saves lives! If you can't adopt, foster; if you can't volunteer, donate!

Talk to me

In the words of Annie Lennox, "Talk to me like lovers do", minus the lovers part. I am surrounded by so many wonderful and caring people and they don't want to talk to me about their issues because they feel bad since I have BC. Not true! I am still Randi, I'm still partly judgy and that friend that tells it to you straight, whether or not you want to hear it.

I want all of my village peeps to remember that I care for you as much as you care for me. At this moment, I'm winning the Murphy Award as my friend Carla says, but don't think I won't be passing this trophy along at some point. Please still tell me when you've had a bad day, are sick, worried about bills, spouses, pets, where the next great beer tasting will be.

I love y'all and am here to listen, comment and offer suggestions for what you're going through. BC sucks, but it doesn't mean I want to stop being a good friend. Always remember, if you don't want to tell me, you probably should.

Angry Randi

When I was younger, anger was my number one go to emotion. I am familiar with its fire and others knew not to get close to the flames. As I've grown older, anger and I have learned to co-exist as long distance friends,  when needed we are there for each other. I have had time to grow up, work on my patience, compassion and frustration.

I am proud that I've grown to be a kind hearted woman that doesn't live with anger as my BFF. This weekend however, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to feel the fire deep inside and have a valid reason to unleash the flames. BC is fucking stupid, why does it exist?! I'm not going to say why me, because I truly believe that I'm strong enough to handle the journey but I am angry that anyone has to start the journey at all. To date I haven't really cried over the diagnosis but this weekend a few tears were shed over hair.

My BFF Beth offered to have her stylist dye my hair fantastically fun colors to celebrate my hair, and the oncoming loss. I received approval from work, picked out blue, pink and purple as my colors and mentally prepared myself that I still have control over my fucking hair!! The night before the appointment, my husband suggested I make sure I could dye my hair on chemo. The thought never occurred to me that I couldn't.

As we read the internet, it became clear that dying my hair wasn't safe and would only speed up my upcoming hair loss. I was pissed... How dare BC take this simple task away. How dare chemo not only cause me to go into menopause and feel like shit; it had to take away fun hair! I know that there are so many other things to be angry about, but this was my proverbial straw. I realize that this was really me being angry I have BC, it sucks, it isn't fair, why me....

Instead of letting me rant and rave on Facebook, my friends found silver linings, alternatives and made suggestions on how to change my hair without dye. It was heartwarming to see so many village peeps working to cheer me up but really I just wanted to be angry. My husband and Beth both immediately understood, but I think they both also knew the real cause of my anger.

Thank you to everyone who stepped up with encouragement, options and general positivity. Although I just wanted to be angry, y'all wouldn't let me. Very few people can say they are surrounded on possibly their darkest journey by light.

Angry Randi is still inside and will come out a few times on this journey, its good to know that there are so many that won't let her stay.

Keep Positive

Positivity is one of my tools to use to get through BC and is also the number one recommendation from others to help fight this journey. I have so many wonderful people sending me positive thoughts, notes, and cards that it makes me feel that there is no room for negativity. The first words out of most mouths when they find out about BC, is STAY POSITIVE!!!

I have to wonder, what if I don't? What if I remain realistic, my norm, and just rely on y'alls positivity to flow through the journey. Would it work? Or, do the positive thoughts really mean nothing other than improving my positivity which is the key to the stubborn door?

I still feel that there's no reason to worry about BC despite the potential risks. For instance, today my oncologist called and we are back on the waiting train for bone cancer. The biopsy came back from the Mayo  Clinic inconclusive. I either have benign enchondroma or low grade sarcoma which is like stage 1 cancer. The west siders might have been right, or very wrong.

I now have to go see a specialist at OSU, damn you Charlene, for further testing. I assume this means more bruising, more missed work, more worry and the need for more positive thoughts. I am extremely thankful that so many people are thinking of me, but I do wonder what I would be facing if they were just thoughts, not positive.

My one breakdown involved black walnut whiskey, coworkers and a designated drive home by my husband. I suppose I'm only allowed to be negative in the comfort of my home otherwise I'll be bombarded with positivity. Maybe I need to schedule a negative day so people know ahead of time, negativity has its place if only to highlight the positive.

Week seven is coming to a close with another question, another car on the waiting train and another week of no whiskey.  Stupid cancer

This dude is dying

http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/11/asia/new-zealand-jake-bailey-cancer-speech/

Before you read my blog, listen to this brave young man's speech.

As someone diagnosed within the past two months with cancer, this obviously resonates. Heed this young man's words, life is what you make it. My cancer isn't near as aggressive but still makes me stop and think. Reach out to loved ones, lost ones, lonely ones... Let your actions be a testament to who you are, not who you want to be. I am proud of my personal journey so far, I've made mistakes, but truly have few regrets. I would take some do overs, but overall my path has led me to the awesome person y'all know and love.

It still doesn't feel like I have cancer. I know I do on paper, and I have started chemo treatments but its still surreal. Listening to this speech made me pause... what do other people do when they learn? I was lucky to find out with my husband and best friend at my side, how many find out alone? Is learning you have three weeks compared to the unknown really that much different? I am 100% committed to beating BC and have the resources to do it (e.g. the husband and BFF mentioned, Randi's Village, a good job, health insurance, etc.).

I just texted my BFF that I plan to lose my hair in a couple weeks, would she want to dye her hair pink with me. It's weird... I'm planning to lose my hair. Very few people have the opportunity to do that. In talking openly about my journey, I hope that others will feel comfort that I'm doing okay, that others with cancer or survivors will find some humor and that overall I find some solace sharing.

As week seven continues, let's all remember that for now, the sun is going to shine tomorrow and I'm going to be here to enjoy it; except I live in Ohio.....

Dude, I'm not dying...

It never occurred to me that BC may kill me. It just never seemed like an option. I'm not sure if this is because I'm too awesome to let BC be the thing that takes me out or if I just decided internally, it's 2015, BC is completely curable. BC is so common anymore, someone knows an aunt, mom, friend, niece of a friend, etc. that has overcome BC except for me, and my friends.

As my BC is coming out, I'm learning that coworkers, peers and extended family of others have been through the many stages of BC. I can only think of my friends mom as the one person I knew, but I did not know her mom well and definitely wasn't in the fight with them. How weird that learning I have BC has opened these other doors to souls and voices I never heard talking before. It's like when I bought my Escape and suddenly there were all of these other Escapes on the road, you know what I mean.

My good friend's mother in law is a true fighter in the BC war and has gone through her journey with strength, faith and love. It didn't hit me til right now that she, could be me.  WTF yo?! I envision my journey as a long one but more than doable, then a peep will tell me I'll get through this. Of fucking course I'm getting through this, I seriously never considered otherwise. Is that weird?!

My husband was like, honey you're putting poison into your body on purpose for many months.... Again, chemo just seemed normal, not normal normal, but a term that is heard in conversation and not really considered.

As I start week 7 of the BC Journey, I am often reminded that this is a treacherous road with laughs at every turn, tears as we cross the hills and love as I work towards the finish line.

Tired.....

Thursday was my first chemo day and it went well minus a little nausea that night. Friday was literally one of the hardest days to wake up because I was soooooo tired but I'm proud of myself for making it through. I had my injection after work to increase my white blood cells since some are lost due to chemo. I was in bed, like a boss, at 817 p.m.

Saturday, I expected to be tired but not near as drained as I was. My loving husband was concerned about how much I was sleeping and concerned I wouldn't eat so he woke me a few times but it was out of love... Note to self, his love needs to stop interrupting my sleep.

Our good friends Cat and her husband Danny stopped by to help clean, give hugs, gifts and in general see how we were. You know you're good friends when a dirty house doesn't phase either party! I woke up at 330 p.m. to hang with them and eat then back to bed at 8 something. A productive day for my husband, a glimpse into my near future for me.

Sunday was a little better, up around 8 a.m., but still took a pretty long nap after. I feel like I have the flu, achy, tired, neck hurts, etc. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow so I can work at a decent pace.

In the words of Lili Von Shtupp..."I'm tired..."
(If you don't recognize this quote, go watch Blazing Saddles ASAP)

Chemo Log 1st Treatment

My first chemo appointment is today; I have mixed emotions, fear, anxiety, happiness to really start kicking cancers ass.... My husband shared an article from a woman with stage IV about what to expect on day 1 of chemo. Overall, the day wasn't long, she made it sound pretty easy and very boring. My imagination tells me that I will be sitting in a chair with a tube attached to my port covered in a blanket watching Netflix next to Chuck.

In a few minutes, I will learn if this is true and its kind of scary. What's not scary is that I don't have bone cancer!!! The spot on my leg definitely shouldn't be there, but it isn't cancerous. My body decided that a benign bone growth needed to happen so it made it so. The sample has been sent to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion but I'm not concerned, although my pathology was completed on the west side of Cbus, I'm sure they got it right.

I am sick of waiting, waiting, waiting... I have had to wait for results, doctors and now to get back for chemo. I've been here an hour and successfully saw my oncologist and now I'm in the waiting area for infusion. I am the youngest person here by decades which is weird because it feels as though I hear about all ages having cancer. Maybe they are all at the James like Charlene says. (If you don't know about Charlene, let me know).

I'll follow up this blog with my actual experience, for now I'll keep waiting...

I'm almost done with my first treatment. Very underwhelming. I sit in a recliner in a big room with half walls separating our little areas with Chuck sitting next to me (his chair isn't near as comfy). I have a new chemo blanket made by a prior patient with love; she makes some every few months for new chemo patients. The nurse, Denise, is very nice and focuses on cleanliness to reduce chance of infection. I arrived at noon and its going on 3, nearly done. I will definitely bring some snacks next time and maybe my heating pad. This has been a good first visit, first stop on the five to six month long chemo train...

The good, the bad and the ugly

The Good- My coworkers, family and friends are AMAZING!!! My Care Calendar is full of those willing to drive me to appointments, Rally for Randi is off the ground and scheduled, fabulous peeps are donating to the rally and my gofundme, my coworkers gave me a huge care package last week, my Aunt Julie mailed me a care package.... I just have no intelligent words to express my emotions of gratitude, appreciation and love for everyone.

If cancer has done anything, its brought me closer to some wonderful people and forced my stubborn self to accept the help and love that is being offered.

I cut my hair last Saturday, and it looks awesome! I have been scared to cut it short for so many years and turns out my curls like being short!

The Bad- My port was placed today, and it hurts. Apparently cutting a hole above your clavicle is painful! I am seriously tired, way more than usual, and concerned about my tired level once chemo starts.

I'm still worried about money and missing work, but my health comes first. Hopefully it will all work out.

The Ugly- I may have bone cancer... The MRI results came back and my liver is fine (very surprising given my 20's) but my left knee is very worrisome per my oncologist. I'm scheduled for a bone biopsy tomorrow and need the results to be ready before my first chemo treatment. Like everything else, I'm trying not to worry, but I'm worried.

I can't change the name of my blog if needed, but I will say I have BBC if my biopsy is positive. I'm really tired of waiting for results, that's one of the hardest parts of my journey. So many issues come to mind when you're waiting... If I have bone and breast cancer will I have to do radiation, will they need to remove tumors from my knee, is it invasive, how the hell are the two connected?!

As week six starts, yet again, I'll be waiting by my phone hoping for good news and trying not to worry about the unknown. I will continue to shake my head because my hair feels cool and I will work to stay positive no matter how hard it feels sometimes.

Thanks to everyone who has me in their prayers and thoughts, part of a prayer chain and anything else y'all are doing to help me fight through this journey.

In times of sadness, let's all remember that T-Rex is unable to tie her shoes....

Who is more uncomfortable about my BC?

I attended a conference today for work and assumed most people didn't know about my BC so I intended not to talk about it. I'm the chair of a committee and when we met, I realized I may not be in attendance at the next meeting in a few months so I casually let them know I have BC and wasn't sure how I'd be feeling. It's uncomfortable for me because I don't want to make a big deal, but how do my associates feel?

They laughed a little and kept going with the conversation and we unofficially identified a vice chair to serve in my absence. Once we finished committee business, the new "vice chair" said she was sorry and that I was too young for this shit. I agreed and quickly explained that it came out of nowhere, I start chemo next week and this led to discussing benefits at my employer and if they were good. I gave her my blog info and was appreciative that she cared to ask questions, obviously we aren't close and have only met a handful of times, but how thoughtful for her to start the conversation.

Another associate at the conference asked how I was doing and that he'd seen on Facebook what was going on, nothing more needed to be said. I had a really good talk with another colleague who asked questions and didn't seem that uncomfortable. It was nice to talk to someone I know a little better and not feel that uncomfortable weight for either of us.

As I drove home this evening, I wondered if my non chalant attitude disturbs people, makes them uncomfortable or gives them an out to not discuss it if they don't want to. BC is a huge issue in my life now and dominates most of my thoughts; I am sure most people wish I never mentioned it but I'm not sure who they are.

There are other people who I believe would want to know, but in the professional world, how do I determine who's who? I would love to send an email to those I work closely with, and have for several years, if anything as an FYI. I would hate to be the last to find out someone I knew and worked with was going through a similar situation from another party. However, the question then becomes, would they feel obligated to contact me, send me well wishes, etc.? Or would I have made the right choice so it isn't awkward when we are in a meeting without my hair and going through chemo.

As I ponder the options, I also wonder who else is going through their own difficult journey that I know nothing about....

Benefits, gift cards and my village people

I need a word better than overwhelmed... I am so grateful and moved by the love, compassion, generosity and many other feels that I've encountered since announcing my BC. How can I thank so many wonderful people?!

I am a card giver and thank you note mailer but neither seems sufficient to adequately thank all of the people who are apart of my ever growing village. Chuck and I feel so uncomfortable with people focusing on us and offering to help in ways we would have never thought of but this feeling comes out of not knowing how to say thank you in the best possible way.

My friends are throwing a benefit for me, Rally for Randi, Hakuna Ma Tatas!!!! It will be Saturday, December 12th starting at noon at my friends bar, Triple Shotz (https://m.facebook.com/pages/Triple-Shotz-Cajun-Island-Cafe/629319480556877) at 2700 Brice Rd in Reynoldsburg, Ohio. I am so excited to thank all of my supporters and friends personally!!!  This is a wonderful idea, thought, gesture...

This week marks week five in my journey and I have already received donations, cards, flowers, hugs, tears, lunch, offers of gift cards during treatment and love from people I know and those that have gotten closer. This post is to thank all of y'all, to let you know what you mean to me and how you've inspired me to be happy and thankful despite BC.

“I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” –GK Chesteron

Short Hairstyle

I've decided to take my husband's advice and cut my hair short before my first chemo appointment and donate my hair to Pantene Beautiful Lengths (http://pantene.com/en-us/brandexperience/make-the-cut). A few friends are going to join me and assist in identifying a new style that will make me feel pretty but won't be so devastating when my hair starts falling out.  The more I've been reading women's stories and understanding the likeliness that I'll lose my hair the more concerned I am that chunks will start falling out with my current long hair and I'll kind of lose it aka wig out, LOL.

Luckily, I don't have any grey hair and it isn't dyed so it's perfect for donating and well over the required 8". The hair is used to make wigs for the American Cancer Society to help women as they lose hair to help them continue feeling beautiful. I am getting fitted for a wig on Friday but I won't be sure if I want one until the time comes.  I am so lucky to have friends who have offered to buy me a wig, offered resources of where to obtain a wig and those that have offered me wigs from other strong women that survived breast cancer.

I'm scheduled to cut my hair this coming Saturday, Halloween, and am excited and anxious with this new path of beauty.  I'm hoping that my eyebrows and eyelashes don't fall out, this isn't as common as the hair on your head loss, but it does happen to some women.  I don't wear makeup, if I lose my facial hair, I will have to learn makeup!!  I don't want to walk around without eyelashes and eyebrows, that just sounds awful. I'd be okay if I lose hair from stomach down, no more shaving, WOOHOO!! There are few advantages to BC, but this may be one of them.

I just spoke with my Mom on the phone, she's back in the Dallas area, and I miss her.  I wish she was here to help me and Chuck as we go through this journey.  She is so proud of my wonderful friends and glad that we have so much love over a thousand miles away to help us with support, driving, etc. It's always great talking to her, we are able to support each other and discuss our frustrations, concerns, wins and losses. I know that she misses me and knows that I love her, don't cry if you read this Mom!!

As another new week starts, I will be happy to almost be done with going to the hospital minus a few visits this week, and focus on starting chemo next week.  For those of you thinking, Randi it's just hair, it will grow back.... please know that I know this but it's just going to be awhile before that's relevant.

Chemo, wigs and ports

This week was another exciting adventure! I learned that I do not have cancer in my left breast or ovaries, uterus, etc. However, I did learn I need an MRI for my broken fibula, its not a torn meniscus as previously thought, and an MRI for my liver lesion (or pooling of blood or whatever is going on).

Our assumption is that neither is cancer related but cancer needs to be ruled out just in case. I will be starting chemo Nov 5th and will have injections the day after chemo for eight weeks then chemo every week for twelve weeks then an injection for the rest of the year.

How will I be receiving all of these fabulous chemicals?! Via a port installed in my chest, how fun does that sound?! At the same time I'll be losing my hair, sounds like nearly a guarantee, going through menopause, have flushed skin (to compliment my already red complexion), battling nausea and being more tired than usual. (Yes, that can really happen).

Insurance won't cover a wig but I'm still going for a fitting so I know my options. The many beautiful people who are donating to my Gofundme will be participating in funding my wig/scarf/hairpiece and I couldn't be more grateful. I currently have beautiful long brownish hair that I just throw into a clip/ponytail holder, but soon I'll have choices to color coordinate my head. That's a plus!!!!

My friends are amazing and waiting for our care calendar to become available so they can sign up for times to drive me to chemo, or getting my port installed or my haircut. I've decided that my husband is right, it will be easier to lose small amounts of hair compared to long chunks so pixie haircut here I come!!!

If you'd like to donate to help me when I have to take unpaid leave, like this past week, or cover items not covered by insurance I will be forever be grateful. This journey has many paths and I don't know which path I'm going down until it starts...

https://www.gofundme.com/4q6p7ucx

Throw it on the ground!

Whiskey is dangerous.... I love craft beer and have become a fan of whiskey but I fear whiskey isn't for me. My fabulous coworkers took me out to celebrate, me! It was so thoughtful and great, but I can't drink like I use to and totally made an ass out of myself.

Based on my husband's retelling of the evening, I threw the items from my table on the ground Lonely Island style! My angry self decided that cancer sucks and so does Randi when she realizes that she has cancer.

I am super strong and hate to cry so its difficult when others want to talk about what I'm going through because on whiskey I apparently let all of my guards down and get angry. Imagine a brown hair eyeglass wearing conservative dressing woman losing it around coworkers at a bar around the corner from work.... Not pretty but I feel last night was necessary for me.

Dr Lilly called with the good news that I don't have cancer anywhere else but I definitely need an MRI of my left knee and liver. Looks like I did something to my fibula and there is blood or liquid hanging out in my liver. Speaker phone is amazing, when you're too drunk to talk or listen, your doctor can give the news to you and your husband. Chuck texted me the phone call results because he knew I'd have no idea. I'm so lucky to have a husband that picks me up, listens to my doctor and explains to me what's happening in my world.

I don't see me drinking in excess any time soon but its good to know that my friends are always there to keep me safe, allow me to throw what I want on the ground and call my husband when needed...

It's too early in my journey to be this tired

I'm tired.... Today I had a CT scan completed of my chest, abdomen and pelvis and a bone scan. The bone scan worried me because they spent longer looking at my pelvis than they thought they would. When I left, I was tired and overwhelmed and just wanted to go home but I knew I had to "adult" and go to work.

I'm worried about paying our bills with me taking unpaid leave for appointments and leave to gather myself together. Chuck and I have had many challenges during our seven year marriage and we have always made it through financially but this time I'm really worried.

Luckily, my husband and job are both extremely supportive of me taking care of me and have faith that everything else will work out. That has been my personal mantra for years, but usually I'm the one working to make it work, not the one causing the issue.

I chose to come home and take a much needed nap to regroup and re-energize and missed a phone call from central scheduling at the hospital. What are they scheduling now?! I thought I had everything scheduled, guess I'll find out tomorrow. Supposedly, today's test results will be ready for my doctor tomorrow. Fingers crossed that nothing new was discovered today.

As this week continues, I need to remember that crying is okay, friends are available to talk and T-Rex can't give hugs...

Genetics and removing body parts

Today I went with my BFF Beth to genetics testing. I expected them to swab my cheek and tell me what the results would mean and leave. I was surprised to find out the appointment would take 60-90 minutes.

When I arrived my counselor began explaining about genes and how some have been linked to cancers. She made a family tree and I quickly realized I wasn't prepared for this line of questioning. I was very lucky to be adopted by my Dad when he married my Mom so I have never met my biological sperm donor making half of my tree a question mark.

As we began discussing my mom's family I realized I have no idea how many cousins I have, if any of them have medical issues or if my aunts and uncles suffer from cancers or diseases. I have zero idea about my Mom's dads family and little to no info on her mom's family. To assist, I called my Mom for assistance. She answered the phone in a rush trying to feed her pack of fluffies and called me back. You learn real quick how much I am my Mom's daughter when she's on the phone saying a curse word while yelling at a dog or two and working to remember information.

She knew how many cousins I have, medical issues related to her siblings (down to the number of colon polyps her sisters have had) but it got iffy when we went further up the proverbial tree.... Babcia (Polish for grandmother) had uterine and colon cancer which eventually put her in a coma and her siblings all passed from colon cancer.

What age did these great aunts and uncles pass away, no idea; did they have any kids, no idea; is there anyone alive to ask, no idea. At this point the counselor realized we had colon and uterine cancer to discuss and to her surprise my cancer polyps and breast cancer.

There are multiple genes that I could be positive for, currently they are betting I have Lynch Syndrome or BRCA 1 or 2. If I am positive for any of the genes listed, it pretty much means I have more information to determine if I remove ovaries, my uterus, get a complete hysterectomy or remove both breasts. Since I've opted for chemo, these results really won't matter until next year.

In a nutshell, it was an interesting visit and the least invasive but not really helpful for me at this time. The visit does prompt me to recommend that others find out their family medical history's and to determine if my mom, sister and the rest of the family need to be tested for the same genes I may have.

I'll let y'all know which body parts may be leaving once I learn the results. For now, I'll continue hoping that the main parts that make me female remain a little longer.....

Randi's cancer takes a village

I understand the need to ask for help, the importance of relying on loved ones to get through difficult times and I hate it. Perhaps it's pride, or stubbornness, or plain old embarrassment that I can't do everything I want to do when I want to do it because I'm weak in other areas.

Regardless of the reason, my independence is going to the side as the BC journey begins. I have had so many wonderful people offer to help in anyway, many whom I'm not particularly close to but know that they have good, true hearts. I have had offers to take me to appointments, sit with me at the hospital, get out of the house when needed, have home cooked meals, suggestions of different oils and therapies to use.

The use of Randi's village began last week when my husband and all time awesome best friend Beth sat with me waiting for the news to determine if I have cancer. As appointments began, they have both taken me or are taking me this week. I've had rescue peeps contact me offering to sit at appointments on their day off.

I'm only two weeks, going onto three, into the first leg and today I realized I need help getting Nate to school this week. I'm going to be scrambling to make my hours at work with at least 12 hours of testing during my workday. Luckily my BFF is willing and able to take him to school, this is a huge weight off of our shoulders.

I think as I continue to reduce my stubbornness, let go of some pride and realize embarrassment is silly; I will feel more comfortable accepting the help that is being offered. For those that are in my village, or looking to join, registration is free, payment is my awesomeness and time involved varies. I'm thinking of making some shirts, "Member of Randi's Village" on the front, T-Rex on the back working to tie a pink ribbon....

Nate, I have cancer

Kids constantly amaze and surprise with their understanding and love. My youngest stepson, Nate, is 11 and has been in my life for over 8 years. He is smart, funny, compassionate and an all around great kid. We have him every other week and he came over today to start our week.

We had dinner, watched a little of The Penguins movie and then had the BC talk. I wanted to tell him in person and answer any questions. Nate has heard of cancer before and knew several different kinds but not what cancer is. Chuck explained about the cells, my intended treatment and that it isn't contagious or his fault.

Nate knew BC is bad but there were no tears or questions. Columbus Monthly has an article on BC this month, October, BC awareness month. Nate flipped through the article and began eating a Slim Jim. As he chewed he said he wished the Slim Jim was cancer so he could eat it away. I told him to let us know if he has questions and that I may be sick over the next few months.

The BC talk went better than most of my friends when they found out. My oldest stepson, Ben, found out via Facebook and hasn't known what to say so we haven't talked. It's so weird telling my stepson that I feel fine but will be most likely sick over the next few months in order to feel better. It's also strange talking about breasts, or the removal of them, with an 11 year old.

I assume Nate will process and ask questions later. For now he's happily playing the WiiU..... If only I could do the same.

It hit me today....

I hate crying, a lot. I don't like the overwhelming feeling of emotions or the way crying gives you a headache and makes your nose run. Since Monday when BC was confirmed it hasn't felt real that this is a huge problem and truly life changing.

Yesterday's visit with Dr Lilly was exhausting. I have potential cancer in other places and next week is full of tests that I've never had. I'm still waiting to hear from the oncologist's office to schedule my consult. It's weird thinking I can't schedule my next few months because chemo might knock me down for a few. I'm going to be a chemo patient within a month of my mammogram, that's just crazy.

I had an overwhelming moment today at lunch thinking about all my testing and potential future. I took two Xanax to work through the start of a panic attack and tried to keep smiling. By the time I returned to the office I needed a break and a couple of hugs, luckily my coworkers kick ass and recognized the need. I hugged two great people and took a needed walk to get a caramel macchiato, it really helped.

As next week starts and my at least 12 hours of testing starts, I will continue to remind myself that a walk, laugh, hug or a moment are needed to get through this.

I am looking forward to my weekend, bad movies, good food and being surrounded by my husband and good friend are just what I need to start to process this first leg of the journey.

Dude, I have BC

It finally hit me today, Thursday, Oct 15, 2015; I have breast cancer. I met with my surgeon, Dr Lilly, and I have stage 2a on my right breast and potential cancer was found in my left breast after last night's MRI. WTF?!!! I now have cancer in both breasts?! The treatment plan is to start chemo ASAP, I'll be meeting an oncologist next week. I'm triple positive in my right breast and the cell type is invasive ductal carcinoma. This means, in my laymans terms, that I have cancer that digs growing bigger and NO estrogen for me.

As of tonight, no more birth control and I am now worried about getting uterine or ovarian cancer. The good news is we are considering removal of my tubes and ovaries which means NO MORE PERIODS.... The crowd goes wild!!!

I will be doing genetic testing on Monday to determine how susceptible I am to multiple cancers. The remainder of the week will consist of meeting with an oncologist, echo cardiogram, CT of chest, abdomen and pelvis, bone scan and ultrasound with biopsy of my left breast possibly followed by an MRI with biopsy.

Don't be jealous of my week! I also get to wrap my mind around no breasts. Even if the left breast is negative, my age and type of cancer points to a very strong likeliness of cancer in the future. The bright side is that I can hopefully do reconstruction at the same time as the double mastectomy and choose my breast size (within reason, sorry Chuck, no GG's).

Good news, I should only have to worry about FMLA the next few months due to BC. I can worry about disability next year when we discuss surgery. I am beyond lucky to have such supportive friends, family, coworkers and FB peeps. My husband is my main supporter, best friend and Love; I can't imagine going through this without him. I'm not as worried about my emotional state as I am my physical. I am looking forward to naps, losing weight and getting in shape as I work to throat punch this cancer and any others that come my way.