First Cancer Survivor Group

Over three months after surgery and I visited my first cancer survivor group tonight.  I met a member of Young Survivors Coalition,  https://www.youngsurvival.org/, at an OSU cancer conference prior to my surgery and wasn't able to attend any meetings until tonight.  I really thought that I would hate joining a group of women discussing/complaining/talking about their cancer, but I was pleasantly surprised.  One of the most important things I've learned about cancer is that every single person has a different experience from chemo, to doctors, to surgery, to post cancer. Tonight, I heard from several women and each of them has different things to say, different feelings to share, different perspectives to hear. It was so nice to listen to women that are currently in chemo, recently out of cancer, a few years out of cancer, and everywhere in between.  I felt vindicated that my feelings aren't crazy, it makes sense to want to do something else and feel frustrated making it through cancer and trying to return to "regular life" and having issues adjusting.

There were discussions around doctor's appointments, how to find what feeds your soul, finding support for your spouse or loved one and "playing the Cancer card". Our meeting was at a local Cancer Support Community center, http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/, which I didn't even know existed and I learned about many resources for me and Chuck that are free.  The services extend beyond cancer survivors and spouses to other loved ones and supporters. I was of course loud and felt like I talked too much, but everything I said seemed to be familiar to the women in the room. Everything they said was familiar to me. I understood the feelings being expressed, I felt a connection to women I only met a half hour before during "social time" prior to the actual meeting starting. I saw myself in their eyes as they discussed being angry, upset, confused and unsure of next steps.  I really saw myself in the women who said "Fuck", soulmates (heart emoji)!  I heard them when they talked about how to focus on yourself during chemo, surgery and after and not feeling guilty for not responding to a text, email, phone call.  The "cancer card" is a viable reason not to do something, anything, that you would normally do.  The purpose of going through cancer is to focus on getting better; for many of us it's forced us to find inner strength, realize who our true friends and loved ones are, and not feel guilty for the little things. True friends understand that you really wanted to attend their party; real family knows that you're just too tired to return their voicemail; loved ones want to help but are aware that you may just need their thoughts and prayers.

I am still struggling with the everyday... the getting up, going to work, being a productive member of society but I'm getting better.  I'm trying to go into work with a positive attitude, and obviously looking good doing it. :-D  I am seeing a therapist to help work through my feelings, talk through my finances and in general just have a sounding board. I'm still on the border for vet school, it's always been a dream, but I'm also trying to be realistic regarding my ability and want to attend school the next 6+ years carrying a shitload of debt. Is being a vet still my dream, or one that I've had so long that I just don't know what I want to do?  I am still stuck with not wanting to live in my current cubicle forever, but at the same time I'm stuck with my job that rocks when you consider the flexibility, my bosses, and benefits.  How do I find the compromise?  No idea, but each week I feel that I have an answer that's different from last week.  I feel lost but am still trying to live in the moment and not get overwhelmed with the future.  

In the past week I sold my car to save my household money which was a REALLY hard decision.  I loved my car, and it was able to be used to transport rescue dogs which makes my heart happy. However, the $600+ we're saving on car payment, insurance, gas, maintenance also makes my heart happy; the savings won.... My husband and I are talking about selling our house during this seller's market and downsizing..... or at least getting a ranch style home which we would both love.  There are times I look in the mirror and can't believe I'm 37. I can't believe I'm 37 and unhappy with my job for no discernible reason and internally discussing what I want to be when I grow up.  The more people I talk to, the more I realize that we are all in this boat.  The logical part of us recognizes that the choices we've made are important, they sustain what we've come to love; the dreamer part of us still wants childhood dreams where mortgages, car payments, insurance, and retirement plans don't come into play.  

I am a dreamer, realist, pessimist, optimist, winner, loser, cancer survivor.... I am a wife, sister, daughter, stepmother, friend, best friend forever, coworker, wife and I appreciate all of the relationships I've found and those that have stayed with me during this difficult journey. I know that none of you can answer my questions regarding my life... I know that none of you can answer whether or not I should or shouldn't attend vet school... I also know that you love me and want what's best for me, and for that I can't thank you enough.  I assume I'll continue keeping on, keeping on as I work through my feelings and confusion; and it's good to know I'm not alone.  So many other people, cancer survivor or not, are in the same boat.... We are all just floating together in a wide open sea, I hope y'all have your floaties....

Big girl panties

There are so many times recently that I just don't want to.... Insert just about anything here, get up, go to work, clean, move from my chair.... During these times, I remind myself that as a functioning adult I often have to do these things regardless of my emotional state. I have to pull on my big girl panties, not the smaller seamless kind, the pairs used for periods, bloating and laundry days. I have to pull myself out of the funk and be responsible because that's what Adulting is.

I am currently wearing said panties as I re enter the work force like a normal human and wake up, drive, deal with traffic, park a few miles from work and shuttle into the office. These panties are forcing me to realize me not being fulfilled at work doesn't matter. Nobody is fulfilled, or at least a majority of society isn't.  We all recognize that work is a means to an end, it provides the financing needed to survive. Perhaps a part of that surviving involves some sort of fulfillment through volunteering, being a good parent, working part time at a start up, or your own business.

I'm currently seeking a second job, which flat out pisses me off, but it's a must if we are going to get a handle on our debt. My student loans are ridiculous and if I'm working I can't spend money, so that's a plus. We entered our marriage debt free except for our house and two cars. Over the past eight years, shit has happened that forced us to make different choices than we normally would have and now we have to pay for it. Literally

The worst part about a part time job is finding one with hours you want that pays half decent which I find annoying. I'm worth more than $10/hour, but finding a decent paying evening/some weekends job is hard. There just aren't that many. My other option is to continue searching for a full time job that pays better with the same benefits. I totally wish I could do sales, I know there's money to be had in that industry but I just don't care if a customer purchases an item or not. This is definitely not a good quality in a saleswoman.

These damn panties are going to need to keep me going as I return to the office full time, search for a second job, try to get mildly healthier and keep my positivity. I did see a therapist today, and she feels we can work together to get through this funk. For that, I am appreciative.... But I'm also appreciative that I haven't lost it and gotten in my Escape and driven to another city to start over as Maryanne Werther from Iowa with a clever back story.... Either way, I'm working towards getting through post cancer....

Saturday phone calls

Today is a beautiful, hot, central Ohio Saturday and it started out awesome. My husband and I transported six sweet furbabies to safe havens, completed a home visit for a prospective dachshund adopter and drank a beer around 3 p.m. During our outing enjoying said beer, a restrictive number called, I of course hit ignore, and saw a voicemail flash on my phone.

As I listened, I heard the voice of my oncologist, calling me from home. I listened twice and learned that she wanted to talk about an estrogen blocker. My cancer is estrogen receptive and since I'm young(ish), my body produces quite a lot. She told me I have two options, the first is a monthly injection and daily pill that throws me straight into full on menopause. The side effects are awful including hot flashes and severe PMS symptoms like headaches and irritability. The other option is Tamoxifen, which can cause blood clots and uterine cancer.

Remember my post about Lynch syndrome? This genetic mutation causes colon, uterine and ovarian cancers (among others). So, yeah, I'm already prone to uterine cancer. This is a crappy decision. Luckily, I plan to have a full hysterectomy to reduce my chances of a few of these cancers early next year. So, I'm going to take Tamoxifen. I'll only be on it a few months, then after my full hysterectomy, I'll be on the other meds.

I also have to switch my anxiety/depression med from Cymbalta to Effexor. Cymbalta interacts with Tamoxifen which sucks. Hopefully Effexor will work as well, if needed my oncologist will adjust the dose as necessary. This stupid cancer will follow me around forever. I asked if I will have to see my oncologist forever, and she said yes. Sigh..... I knew the answer, and still asked.

I was thinking today that maybe I shouldn't have gotten my breast cancer tattoo on my wrist since I see it everyday. But to be honest, cancer is a firm, constant in my life. I can't help that, and am still hoping to help others going through this journey. This could be through conversation, my blog, my book (if I finish and it gets published), hugs or any other way. Either way, Saturday phone calls from cancer doctors suck....

15%

I saw my oncologist today and learned I have a 15% chance of my cancer coming back. This means I have an 85% chance of never seeing it again as a fellow survivor posted. I'll be honest, I expected more of a 3% chance, 15 feels high but my oncologist isn't worried so I'm not either. My friend Cat sent me a text with a great quote, "Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that really isn't you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place."

This quote totally sums up my recent blog posts, now the question, "Who am I meant to be?" I feel like such a brat sometimes complaining about really nothing. Life isn't easy, fair or awesome all of the time. As my boss tells me, I just need to chill and live in the moment. I need to appreciate what I have, and how lucky I am that my cancer was caught early. I am working on trying to get back to life, albeit it's hard after focusing on cancer for 8 months.

My husband thought of a great title for my book, " My journey towards death and how Mortimer saved me". Mortimer is my stuffed TRex that my co-workers got me. He's been to every chemo and Herceptin appointment, and kept me company at the hospital. I try to selfie with him during my appointments, I'm always there for at least a couple hours so plenty of time. I am about 4 pages into my book and I'm just writing without an outline or really an idea of what I want to say other than talking about my cancer, telling funny stories and of course mentioning my dogs. It's very cathartic reliving the last almost year, especially trying to remember my feelings and the emotions I had, and still have.

I am very much realizing that I'm just a hot mess. I don't know what I want, where I want to go, what my heart desires, what my soul craves and that's just going to have to be okay for right now. I don't have to figure these questions out immediately, I have time. Thanks to my kickass cancer team, I have the rest of my life to develop new questions, find answers, don't find answers, find out who I'm meant to be. I just need to slow my roll....

I made it

I made it, I made it through the cancer journey that lasted less than a year. I made it through five months of chemo, a weekend anguishing over whether I had cancer, two months waiting for surgery, a 13 hour surgery, the loss and reconstruction of both breasts, a 2 month recovery including missing work and now onto the what if's. What if cancer comes back?  What if I have my colonoscopy and cancer is found?  What if I wait too long to have my hysterectomy and cancer forms, or has already formed?  What if I choose to start school again to become a veterinarian and learn I hate it or should I stick with business instead of math and science?  What if I can't afford my student loans, which I currently can't?  What if I make a mistake and take a new job that still leaves me feeling like I'm missing out on something?  What if I continue on my current path and crash and burn because I'm just not feeling like dealing with life, not the living part, the "living" part?  What if I just want to live, drink, be merry, be happy without working, without worrying about paying for the mortgage, the electric, my cars, my dogs, but wait then how do I pay for my beer?

I am so tired of this feeling of being in between rocks, I need to climb out, but can't find my footholds.  I am normally a direct person, I know what I want and I go for it. Currently, I am wishy washy, frustrated, annoyed and unsure how to get to my next stepping stone.  I feel a little paralyzed at the thought of moving forward but unsure how to take a new path.  I know my friends are supportive of any path that I choose and will help me get there, but first I need to pick a direction... Does this mean different job, continuing on with school, staying at my current great job, looking at getting a second job to help with those aforementioned student loans, getting back involved with rescue to the point that I use to be, continuing with my book idea (I'm a few pages in), screaming to the stars "What do I want to do?!!!". I just don't know and it's killing me emotionally.

I tried to go to a young cancer survivor's group last week but traffic was AWFUL due to a soccer game and teeny bopper concert so I missed the opportunity.  I was hoping to ask fellow young survivor's if they are experiencing the same thing, how did they move from focusing on literally trying to survive to going back to a cubicle/office/job?  I plan to ask at the next meeting, or send a message, or somehow communicate; hopefully I'm not the only one!  I have felt lost for a little while but cancer and turning 37 has really brought home that I am not entirely happy with my point in life which is stupid.  I have a great job, beautiful home, nice car, great husband, great friends; what is wrong with me?!  I did apply to be a bartender at a new brewery opening in GC and am hopeful they give me a call. I love craft beer and discussing it with other beer lovers.  It would be a good opportunity to get out of the house doing something I enjoy, make a little extra money and be close to home.

Internal Monologue:   Randi, get your shit together!  Your life is amazing, you're amazing, get out of this funk!  For those of you who suffer from any form of depression, I'm sure this sounds familiar. For those of you who don't, I'm sure this sounds familiar.....